Savage Love Letter of the Day: Trump Killed His Wife's Libido


There's so much going on under the surface of this letter. How did LW, his wife, et al., ruin the brother's wedding? Why was brother and his fiancee staying with them, and how stressful did that get--and why? I don't see mention of a farm--was that edited out of the original letter? So many things!
HARD should lawyer up and sue Trump:…
Don't have any kids until you get the sex / not-much-sex thing sorted out.

If less than once-a-week sex is bugging you now, how are you going to feel when it diminishes even more? And then 22 years from now as you send the last child off to college and it's down to a single, reluctant hand job on your birthday each year, will you finally feel empowered to get a divorce and find a partner with a similar libido?

Because how ever much the idiot relatives may be stressing her out now, the lack of sleep, midnight feedings and the constant needs of young children are going to be MUCH more demanding.
#If they DON'T get the sex thing sorted out, having kids will be kind of a moot point.
Great response. I find myself having the same problem as the LW's wife, lately. Whether it's a Trump-related stress or just normal libido diminishing from living with someone (even someone wonderful and hot), I can't really manage PIV sex more than once a week. I'm just too wrung out and it bugs me. But I can manage PIV + hand stuff + mouth stuff other nights, which keeps me light-spirited and not feeling like an unfuckable troll the other part of the time.
David@3, that sounds so sad.. A hand job only at birthdays? I'd insist on one at Xmas too.
@5 You're not alone. I feel the same way as you.
Can confirm, my libido dropped to nothing for about a month after the inauguration. The daily dose of terror and WTF was enough to keep me agitated well into bedtime.

It's better now but only because one cannot stay on edge of terror indefinitely and we instituted a no news after 7PM policy to combat the unrelenting trauma.

It sounds like the OP's wife has just overloaded from too much life and needs a break. Constantly asking for sex isn't giving that to her. He needs to let off and give her some time to find balance. As Dan says, take some of the load off of her and the OP may suddenly find a much more interested in sex wife. Or not but he'll never know with the constant pressure.
Let's ALL sue Trumpzilla and take its ill-gotten billions--that would finally shut that wretched monster and its lackeys up.
Oh the Trump excuse again, it's so conveniently narcissistic.
To determine whether the problem is Trump or something else, try putting an end to the Trump administration and see if the sex improves.
How about a little vacation. My husband loves to take me on a vacation because it fires up the sex. We ca relax. Have a good time. Enjoy each other's company.

See if that doesn't start the motor running.
Lava@6 - Don't forget oral sex on Groundhog's's a family tradition!

As for the tRump effect ruining your sex life, there's always some asshole out there looking to ruin your day...don't let the bastards get you down! The evening news has always been a horrifying litany of murders, corporate misconduct, lying buttwipe politicians and deadly mutant viper-tarantulas escaping from the zoo. I really try to limit my exposure now to the newspaper, where you can quickly pick what you have to know and skip to the comics. Thank god for Pearls Before Swine!
Huh. I guess I had the terror-sex response. My boyfriend and I were both kind of like "oh, I don't know if I'll really feel --" and then had massively cathartic kinky sex for the rest of the evening. Maybe kinksters have an easier time getting catharsis out of sex? Time for a spanking experiment, everyone else?
About libido in general: does she take the pill? Because that can seriously damage your sexual desire if taken for too long. I took it for 10 years and in the end it was a big problem in my long term relationship. It wasn't the only one, but when I changed to the spiral (DIU) my libido sky-rocket and I came to understand how bad it has been for the last 3 years or so!
So, everybody, please keep in mind that hormonal contraception can seriously impact your sex life without you even notice.
If all else fails, plaster the house with Justin Trudeau pictures and take a Canadian vacation to counteract Trump Slump.
I like to make up my mind about a letter before reading Dan's response to see if he agrees with me. (More fun that way because sometimes Dan comes up with something I hadn't considered and I learn something.) In this case I was thinking that Mrs. Hard's lack of desire for sex might have nothing to do with the election, and I see that Dan came up with that in his 2nd to last paragraph. I was also thinking that once a week wasn't necessarily all that infrequent.

Mostly I was thinking that under the right circumstances hot loving connective sex with someone who agrees with you politically is a stress REDUCER under the right circumstances, not a chore that she grudgingly performs for him because she has to.

And yes, Clashfan, I want the dirt on the wedding. It sounds so much more interesting than the usual yawn about husbands who want more sex than their wives who are feeling overwhelmed with other things.
Missing from HARD's letter are how old they both are and how often they were having sex previously to the family and political dramas.

I was perplexed by this sentence: "I do as much as I can short of tying her up (which I would like to do) and fucking her until neither of us can walk." Um wut?

Here's an idea, HARD: If your wife is stressed out, then focus on ways to relieve her stress. How about giving her a massage with no ulterior sex motive? You're not getting the sex anyway, so you've got nothing to lose (and potentially an awful lot to gain) by offering a platonic massage. Proceed to a yoni massage if she gets relaxed enough to want to go there. In other words, don't "push the sex issue." Connect physically in other ways and see if that doesn't warm her to physical contact with you, rather than making her feel even more pressured.
Raindrop @10: We live in a patriarchy when women are required to have an "excuse" beyond just not being in the mood for sex.
Dan is on the right track;
and if expand your definition of sex to include nagging for sex and being shut down, HARD, you may find your expectations line up with your reality better.
I think @12 and @19 touch on the big issue here - if she's too stressed to get in the mood, then adding the concern of your unmet sexual needs just makes things worse. At the same time, if one partner's needs aren't met in a relationship, things will head south fast. Work on getting her emotional stability back. Start a conversation focussed entirely on that, on her mental wellbeing, and leave sex out of it. If you can find ways to get that resolved you can work on the sex issue next.
The solution of hiring someone to do chores or take a vacation is nice n all, but if they have relatives living with them and paying for a shrink, that may not be an option.

I feel bad for him, but yeah, tough it out, for awhile. And if she still doesn't get fired up after that, kick her to the curb.
@10, @19 I took Raindrop's comment to mean that the man was using it as an excuse for not working on the relationship like a normal person instead blaming politics--or that they BOTH were using it as an excuse. I could be wrong.

Raindrop, could you clarify?

This could indeed be a sign of a patriarchal society, but what gives me pause is that I could totally see how a man could use politics as an "excuse," too. ("Oh, but it's okay, honey! It happens to lots of guys!")
@11 Daddy and @19 BiDanFan: Spot on and hitting on all cylinders! Bravo!
I hope you disinfect the couch on a regular basis, LW. Weird after just a yr there is this lack of romantic/ sexual interest from your wife. Not a good sign. Then I don't live under trump and his parasites.. I'd think though cuddle and sex times would help relieve the stress.
Speak up man and see why her buzz around a new marriage has soured so quickly and push the family out a bit more. Whatever has gone down there, they sound way too intrusive and the brother rude. Maybe your wife needs to tell them to back the fuck off for a bit, while she attends to her marriage.
@18 Fan, I did notice that sentence and my response was different. He was expressing his sexual energy and obviously kink is part of it.
It was a fantasy. We all have them.
Definitely worthwhile to consider @15/ere's suggestion that there could be a physiological issue and not psychological issues at play, but like Dan, I really wonder whether once a week sex or less is what HARD's wife would like, and they actually didn't determine their sexual compatibility before marriage. HARD, don't have children until you figure out whether you are actually sexually compatible.

I've always found Dan's advice to have non-penetrative sex rather than PiV as a way to make sex a little more frequent, a bit odd.

For me, PiV is a helluva lot easier than a hand job, or a blow job, or anything else, really. If it really is a case of a mostly-checked-out, just-doing-him-a-little-favour, what's easier than lying there? It's faster, too.

If hot, both-of-us-into-it sex just isn't an option for some reason, I'd rather he take me out to the garage and bend me over the car than get a sore wrist giving a hand job, any day. Fast and fun and away from the in-laws.... give it a try, LW.
Lava @27: I got the "bondage fantasy" part of it; it was the "I've tried everything short of..." bit that puzzled me. Tried what, for instance? If his efforts to seduce a stressed spouse are anything even similar to the forcefulness "tying her up" implies, I'm not surprised he's hitting a brick wall. He'll catch a lot more flies with honey.

But it's good to know that he's not raping her, I guess?

Agony @29: Apparently, handjobs and blowjobs are much easier than penetrative sex when all you have to penetrate is an anus. So yeah, Dan's talking from the non-hetero perspective here. (Though YMMV; some men may be able to come much more quickly from a hand or BJ than from PIV, and if he's doing most of the work, it could be a low-effort option.)
Fan@30: No it's not a rape fantasy. She is complicit in it with him, that's how I read it. He wants her to meet him sexually, and she's not doing it.
Marriage is a contract and forgoing sexual intimacy for short bursts if an emergency springs up is normal. This sounds like a sustained attack from her family and somewhere along the way she's got her priorities crossed.
I think he's been very patient, and hopefully she hears him, when he speaks up, or she risks losing what sounds to me like a good man.
Fan@30, I read it as something they both have previously enjoyed as a stress-reducing tactic, but given the current circumstances, would make things worse. I read that whole sentence actually as him having tried everything he knows to help reduce her stress, which could then facilitate sex, and she's simply overwhelmed past that point. In other words, kind of a "I know she likes this and it would help, but doing it now could potentially feel too threatening and vulnerable for her." Perhaps focusing on creating a safe, outside-world-and-pressure-free bedroom space where she can let her guard down safely might eventually work. She sounds like she feels bombarded by politics and family.
@29 Agony and @30 BDF, I agree that a BJ or handjob can be much more work than PiV sex and much less satisfying for me. However, sometimes, if I'm not super horny, seeing my husband erect cock and stroking it/watching him stroke it near me will get me horny enough to want PiV. Other times not so much and he finishes himself off after some help from me.

This happened more frequently when I was pregnant. I think it's maybe psychologically easier to say yes to this kind of sex, but probably not if the non-horny partner is stressed out about all the stuff they have to do, then it seems like just one more fucking thing you have to do for someone else. But, if you're just not horny, in a monogamous relationship, and know your partner is horny it is a decent compromise where you're there sexually for your partner even if you're not engaging in mutually pleasurable sex.
I definitely agree with the not having kids thing until they sort this out. I guess the LW has tried to talk to the wife about her libido without asking for sex rather than just ask for sex? She might be able to reveal why she's feeling this way and what they can do about it.

The tying her up and fucking her until they are both exhausted line pops out at me. If her low libido is in fact because of the current social and political climate, then the offer to lay there (and perhaps be tied) while someone relentlessly fucks her may not be appealing. She might be after something more whole body or less thrusting PIV-centric. But we can only speculate. Hence why I hope LW is talking to her about it in a conversation that does not include a request for sex.

Beyond that... I can sympathize. The attacks on women right now- in terms of Trump's own statements, the fact that those statements did not exclude him from winning, and the constant assault on women's healthcare- all combine to make me feel like I never want anything to do with men ever again.

This isn't fair, and I'm lucky to be married to a feminist, but still. I get it. For me, I tend to find stress release in sex, food and alcohol, so I'm not responding the same way, but I get it.

The LW was recently a republican. The GOP's attacks on women are nothing new. It could be that the election has made his wife view him more harshly. It has done that to me, for many of my friends who until recently I thought of as moderates.
@14 I think some of it is about seeking intimacy and shelter. At least for me. My response was similar, but like I said, I'm lucky to be married to a gorgeous man who has been a lifelong feminist. I needed to be with him just to keep reminding myself that wonderful men are real. So yes to the catharsis, but if I'd been single or had a partner who was a Republican just a few months prior, then I think I'd run from them. Of course, there's no way I could ever be married to a person who spent a lot of his grownup life as a Republican in the first place.

@29 and @30
I've contributed to this conversation before, and it might be that I'm a weirdo, but when I think of heterosexual nonPIV, I don't immediately jump to hand jobs and blow jobs (which yes are more work for a woman who's not into it than PIV). I think of lots of humping and rubbing and heavy petting which can be very hot and usually include limited contact with genitals + hands or genitals + mouth but not protracted hand job or oral sessions. To me, this has always seemed obvious- it's basically how you have sex when you are a teenager and penetrative sex is off limits- and it can be a low pressure way to connect. Just a make out session with some masturbation. This can be a lot easier than active participation in PIV, especially easier than other positions than missionary which actually require some stamina and coordination, and if you are exhausted you might not be up for that. So if the choice is active PIV or sloppy hot make out and rubbing of genitals, I find the later easier, especially when I'm tired.

But I get that if you have no libido at all, you just totally aren't interested even in kissing and rubbing, but surely if that's the case, you wouldn't find PIV easier? Sometimes I realize I'm having trouble picturing other people's sex lives because if PIV seems easier than making out and mutual masturbation, then are just just going straight to the PIV without anything leading up to it? I mean, I could lay there and tolerate that, but that sounds really boring and unpleasant. I'd rather mutual masturbation while kissing any day.
@31 Yes sure- being tied up in a situation that is consensual and with someone you trust not to damage you is often more about surrendering control, not a rape fantasy. But if they do not have a history of doing this and if her loss of libido is do to Trump's and GOP's attacks on women, then "let me tie you up and fuck you until I collapse" is probably not a great suggestion. We'd need background to know though for sure.

@32 Ah, yes, that makes sense. I was confused about that line too, but your interpretation would clear that up.