Theres so much face biting. Its also kinda sexy.
Prince Puma (left) and Dragos (right) are babes. They’ll also jump off a second-story balcony to kick a dude in his sternum.

Did you feel your TV rumble? Do you have a sudden urge to buy a shiny mask? Do you want to knock down your neighbor's door and challenge them to a championship match? If you don't, you will, because Lucha Underground is breaking into the mainstream. Now in its third season, Netflix is bringing the first two seasons of the professional wrestling and serial drama series (yes, that’s a real combo and it happens on Lucha Underground) to a wider American audience. As of March 15, Netflix subscribers can binge through 65 episodes of the show, which is best described as a cross between Super Smash Bros and a telenovela. And it's... astonishing.

To be clear, I'm not a fan of wrestling. Before Lucha Underground, wrestling would be the last thing on my list of things I fangirl over. (Well, after magicians. You can't trust magicians.) But this shit makes me squeal. It makes me throw beer at my TV. It makes me sprint around my living room screaming "SHOVE HIM IN THE COFFIN! SHOVE THAT DIRTY BASTARD IN THE COFFIN!" I didn't know I had this much hype in me, but Lucha Underground makes me feel things.

The show exists in Dario Cueto’s Boyle Heights wrestling temple. Cueto is a slimy man who tricks competitors and loves watching grown men get their eyeballs ripped out. (No eyeballs are actually ripped out. I think.) In this show, fantasy and reality converge like a Venn diagram and in the center is "an anti-diva festival of flesh." (Or, at least, that's how the show's play-by-play commentator, Vampiro, describes it.) And these luchadores give us an extensive festival of flesh. There are as many episodes as backflips (and there are a lot of backflips).

Don't know where to start? Besides the premiere (obvi), episode nine ("Aztec Warfare," a 20-man melee) and episode 19 ("Grave Consequences," where the only way to win is for a fighter to trap their opponent in a coffin) are good introductions. If you're short on time, try this video of 37 Hours of Lucha Underground in 37 Minutes. But before you jump in, familiarize yourself with some of the most crushable wrestlers on the show...

MIL MUERTES
The Mega-Babe From The Mega-Quake

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Mil Muertes is a scary fuckin’ dude. As a kid, his family was killed by a 9.0 earthquake in Mexico City. He survived but emerged as a brick of a man who’s out for blood. Talent: Eating the face of his lover’s new lover. 

SEXY STAR 
She’s 2 Thot 2 Handle

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Unlike other professional wrestling shows, there aren’t gender divisions in Lucha Underground. Out of all the lady Luchadoras, Sexy Star is queen and the mother of OLD-FAaASHIONED HAND STOMPSss. (Imagine that’s said in the voice of a haggard wrestling announcer who only drank Tecate for the past three decades.) Talent: Wearing an uncomfortable glitter bra while knocking your teeth out.

DRAGOS
Be Still, My Beating Dragonheart

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Described as the personification of “the underbelly of the smut on the streets of LA,” Dragos is a big, bad, dirty dragon. Real dragon. Not a man playing a dragon. He’s a REAL. DRAGON. Talent: Slithering around the stage and slithering into your heart. 

FENIX
Talk About A Comeback

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Fénix is known for rising from the ashes covered in blood after having his face bit off and spit into the crowd. He’s a crowd pleaser and a general good guy to bring it home to papi. Talent: Throwing your ex-boyfriend into a coffin to FINISH HIM.

PRINCE PUMA
*~*Heavy Breathing
*~*

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Prince Puma has a very nice butt. Talent: Total bae. 

Something Else:

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Disney ABC

Looking for a different type of trainwreck? Dancing with the Stars premiered its 24th season on ABC this past Monday, March 20. This season features Charo, Mr. T, and Chris Kattan. So if Mexican wrestling isn't enough for you, watch stars (who would've been on season 24 of The Surreal Life if it was still around) duke it out to see who has the twinkliest toes. ABC streams full episodes a week after they air, so if you don't have cable, you can see the premiere here this upcoming Monday. If you do have cable, you can stream it there now, for free.

Premieres & Releases This Week

- Grace and Frankie (season 3 available on Netflix, March 24)
- RuPaul's Drag Race (award-winning drag reality competition moves from Logo to VH1 for its 9th season, March 24)
- Rebel (brand new cop drama on BET, March 28)

(Finally, about this column’s title change: Y’know how the British sitcom Lovesick was originally called Scrotal Recall? Well, TV Snide is to Scrotal Recall what Stream Queen is to Lovesick. This column’s called Stream Queen now. Deal with it.)