Comments

1
She shouldn't let him stay with her. Change the locks.
2
NOW should be setting off everyone's red flag alarms.

They should break up, but that won't resolve NOW's problems. Her faraway boyfriend didn't "make her feel lonely" (she was already lonely with or without him), he failed to make her feel whole. NOW will eventually have to confront the fact that her issues aren't outside of her - they're internal.

The sexy photos thing is just a distraction - if BF isn't down with it and you enjoy taking/posting them, well, lose the boyfriend. He doesn't seem to be bringing anything else to the table. If he's as otherwise great, I think she should put her desires ("move to my city, be a family", etc, whatever they are) explicitly on the table, work on a deadline, and hold to the ultimatum. The 5 year investment is a sunk cost - you don't get these 5 (unsatisfying) years back if he does decide to be with you, and it doesn't retroactively make that time better. That time is gone.
2
Why why WHY do so many women think controlling, uncaring A-holes are worth their time?
(Maybe men do also but I know about more women)

LW, dump.him.now!! He's NOT great, he doesn't love you, you AND your kids deserve better. And you definitely can do MUCH BETTER than this creep!

There are single parents meet-up groups that have lots fun activities for both you and your kids, join one and start having fun!

3
Sometimes I wonder if a letter writer sees what they've written and goes, "oh."
4
Between some recent podcast questions and this letter, Dan's been calling a lot of attention to the way women allow themselves to be manipulated and emotionally abused by assholes and to try to take the blame for their own abuse and let the asshats off the hook.
Thank you, Dan. You're providing a valuable act of community service.
5
@2 makes a really good point, there's a huge red flag that nobody's mentioned yet.

NOW wrote: "I'm talking serious depression. Suicidal, overwhelming-thoughts-depression."

Yeah she should dump this guy, but she should also get herself in therapy (if she isn't already) and go early and often. Breaking up with him may make her feel better, but it also may make her feel worse.

Call your therapist NOW, like, maybe right now. And don't harm yourself.
6
Nocute @ 3 - So do I.

And every time I do, the other person is said to be "great" (or an equivalent) in the first line of text, then described (usually in detail) as anything but.
7
Dan: perfect advice (DTMFA)

Add: NOW (LW) might consider seeing a mental health professional for her feelings of depression, loneliness, etc. Feeling sad and lonely are emotional states many of us experience. However, depression (especially with suicidal ideation) is a serious mental health diagnosis that just doesn't go away on its own and without leaving adverse outcomes in its wake. Brain chemistry can be permanently changed if the individual suffers from depression.
8
LW -- You have a friend who has sunk her life savings into a stock she really believes in. This is not "Fun" money, but her 401K for retirement. She's held this stock for five years. The stock hasn't grown in value during that time, and NOW, it's starting to tank. "But I've had it sooooo looooong!" she wails, while telling you that her life savings are disappearing. Do you tell her to re-evaluate and sell the stock while she still has some money left? OR, do you tell her to hold on because it's sure to rise, even thought it's NEVER done so before.
Don't go broke. DTFA
(I cut out the M because why are we trashing a mother/woman, when it's the guy who's the jerk?)
9
You know you have to dump him LW, so now Dan and a few others are agreeing with you. What's he talking about, you're not the woman he thought you were with your pictures? Not easily manipulated, is that his meaning.
Just somehow work it, so the children can say goodbye to him as well.
10
It kind of seems like that feeling that NOW is getting from the Instagram account is a less icky version of the feelings her partner was getting from their "relationship". It sounds like he keeps this long distance thing going because he enjoys someone who pines after him, who maybe he can even manipulate. An ego boost pen pal. All without the inconvenience of actually having to see her often. He has no intention in investing in someone who is nothing more than that. Who knows what he is up to where he lives. I bet NOW doesn't .
11
@9: LavaGirl, why should the lw "just somehow work it, so the children can say goodbye to him as well."?
Why can't she say to the kids (and we don't know how old they are): "I know you really like ---, but he isn't nice to me and he makes me feel bad about myself and I haven't felt that he really likes me, and I think I deserve better treatment from someone I love, so I broke up with him."?

12
He lost his job so what exactly was his reason not to move closer to this woman and kids who adore him? If he wasn't cheating on her, he was probably cheating on someone else with her as the piece on the side. Or maybe a relationship in which the other party makes all the effort just suits him.

It's so easy for us to tell someone else to DTMFA. It's a bit like telling someone to quit their job because their boss sucks. Well, you are getting something out of your job: a paycheck and validation and there's no telling how long it'll take to get a new job.

Still, DTMFA. He's made his priorities clear.
13
@2 Because if you're a woman in your forties and are of average appearance, you have the whole media telling you that no one's ever going to love you romantically, so when even a below-average guy shows up and pays attention, you think you got a rare, lucky thing that is not likely to happen again. This LW probably thinks it's either her current boyfriend or never having a boyfriend ever again.
14
I would urge LW to join a group therapy/talk of some sort. It helped me put things in perspective, observe behavioral patterns that seem to appear regardless of gender and orientation, and acquire tools as well as a network of friends to help me deal with different challenges.
That said, the instagram account gives me some creative ideas. Strangers’ approval is way secondary.
15
@11. Oh I don't know nocute, maybe because they have had relationships, over five years, with him as well, and she says they have affection for him.
Geez. Is it so complicated to let children and their affections be acknowledged as well.
16
@15: You're ignoring this-

" He has zero desire to move to be with me and because I have children and am a single mom"

He sounds a complete loser and she's better off without him.
17
@15: Oh, i understand acknowledging children's affections. But he's not their dad and he's not someone that they see often or regularly. And I'm more concerned that she act in her own best interests while the motivation is strong.
So I'd be in favor of her DTMFAing while she has the nerve rather than waiting until her kids get a chance to say goodbye. For Chrissakes, she says she's suicidal.
18
@13 - It's not exclusively middle - aged women of average appearance that endure this crap, though. Many young, apparently naive, even especially attractive women wonder if they're being unreasonable or if they've does something wrong when it's their partner who is an absolute fucktrumpet.
19
*done something wrong
20
So she spent 5 years with this guy. if she stays now, she will have spent ______ years and STILL need to Dump this dick. DUMP HIM NOW!
21
This is the risk you run when you let your kids get attached to a boyfriend/girlfriend and there is no firm commitment. But really, how attached are they? This dick lives thousands of miles away and rarely visits. Unless he's Facetiming with them daily he's kind of a mythical character like Santa Clause who shows up once in a blue moon to slip Mom a "present." If they really are attached, then double-shame on you Mom, for bringing this asshole into their lives. Don't do that to them again.
22
One definition of depression is anger turned inward. So instead of getting angry at the guy who's making her miserable, NOW turns it on herself.

It's almost like Mr. 5-years has been trying to break up with NOW, and she hasn't gotten the message. He has no desire to move to be with her despite being between jobs and having the money. He doesn't see her for months at a time. He withholds sex. Now he's blaming her for doing something that makes her feel good.

Here's a 3rd alternative for NOW besides groveling and getting angry. Try distant unconcern. It would be best to tell him not to come, but if he does and you can't help seeing him, be uninterested in anything he says. He tells you he's lost his trust in you, "oh, what did you say? Something about trust? Hmm.. I knew someone with a trust account once." You don't actually have to break up with him, just be non-committal about anything he says including whether he visits again. You just don't care.

Also, you might have a friend or therapist or domestic abuse hotline on speed dial. This guy sounds like the sort who could become violent when dumped.
23
@22 not sure passive-aggressive ever solved anything...good point on controlling idiot might be violent. He lives remotely, break up remotely.
24
23--DonnyK-- I didn't see my advice as passive-aggressive. I saw it as merely passive. I asked myself what the easiest no-drama way might be to break up with the guy. Doing it remotely would be best. That's why I started with "it would be best to tell him not come". But as a 2nd choice if he does come and she couldn't help seeing him, I thought anything that smacked of an explanation would be the wrong way to go. This relationship has withered on the vine anyway. I thought it best to figure out a way to let the flower drop to the ground with no fanfare.
25
It's clear that this relationship is not meeting your needs and going by the history probably never will. Sounds like you know this and are asking yourself if you should end it. Listen to your own inner wisdom.

You say you are not good at taking care of yourself in terms of sex, however, you very creatively found a way with your Instagram account. And you loved it, made you feel great right? If you can do that you can go on to find other ways to express yourself sexually and get your needs met on a more regular basis.

You will never meet Mr Right while Mr Wrong is still hanging around taking up space in your thoughts - even when he is 2000 miles away! If you can't get the type of relationship you want with this guy you'd be better off to can him, and make room for someone who actually fits the bill to come into your life.
26
LW: Dear Dan, I am in a wonderful relationship with a great person! But... [proceeds to describe a toxic relationship with an asshole].

Dan: DTMFA

^^^Basic formula for many SL letters.

Maybe we need to change the default cultural attitude that being partnered is inherently better than being single. Come to think of it, we also need to change the idea that when you're in a relationship, even a monogamous one, your partner owns your sexuality.

You're better off single, NOW. Even if you don't find Mr. Right right away (or ever), you're still better off. Seriously, you'll be fine. Dan's advice here is excellent.
27
@24 Ending a relationship by pretending to be not paying attention to or listening to someone isn't passive-aggressive?

He tells you he's lost his trust in you, "oh, what did you say? Something about trust? Hmm.. I knew someone with a trust account once." You don't actually have to break up with him, just be non-committal about anything he says including whether he visits again.

28
LW there's no reward for sticking out an awful relationship. You don't get a ceremony, a trophy, a million dollars, and a harem of attractive people if you hang in there for ten years.

All you get is wasting five more years with this man.

And I'll ask would you want your kids is a relationship like this? Would you want them with a partner who treated you the way this guy treats you? If the answer is 'no' then you know what you have to do.
29
@17: it reads to me like her suicidal thoughts were alieviated by doing her photos. And as I said, if her children adore him then give them the chance to say bye.
If she has only enough strength and courage to end it, then yes, leave the kids to maybe contact him later.
30
24-Tal-- Honestly, I don't believe it is. In this case, it's just being passive. It's not designed to get into an aggressive-aggressive argument. It's designed just to lay low and take the path that's least infuriating for this asshole until he can go back to the city from whence he came and stay there.

Both you and DonnyK have called it passive-aggressive, and I am open to criticism and disagreement, so let me ask you. Let's say that NOW is unable to get out of seeing Mr. 5 Years one more time. What do you suggest? Should she say "I want to break up" given what we know about how controlling he is? Should she say why?
31
@30 that's about as close to the definition of passive aggressive as I've ever seen. It's *ULTRA* passive aggressive. But it won't work anyhow because she doesn't desire to break up.
32
Dear LW. You don't have a boyfriend, you have an online roleplaying game that got out of hand. End this. In your own words: "He has zero desire to move to be with me" - he doesn't want to be with you! Or, at least, not enough to actually make it happen. He's not your boyfriend and is never going to be your actual boyfriend, so why are you dragging this out? He's never going to be with you.

End it and go find yourself a RL boyfriend. Or girlfriend, or gender-neutral romantic partner, or learn to love the single life, or whatever. But end this. It's a sad farce that isn't doing you any good.
33
P.S. That "try distant unconcern" thing is passive aggressive as hell. Don't do that - just break up with him cleanly.
34
Iseult @2: Yes, men stay with assholes too.

I sympathise with NOW's "FIVE YEARS." It's called the "sunk costs fallacy." It's an excellent motivator for staying in a bad relationship when you live in a society that says relationships that last are the only worthwhile ones, and ending relationships indicates that you're a failure at having them. Don't fall into the trap, NOW. Dump this asshole, NOW, and find someone who makes you feel good about yourself, NOW.

Beesting @10: Excellent point.

XiaoGui @18: And young and attractive men act like doormats sometimes as well. My best theory is that these are people who were emotionally abused as children, or whose parents were in abuser/doormat relationships, and they grew up thinking either that this is normal, that it's better than being alone, or that it's all they deserve.

Fichu @22: Agree with Donny that passive(-aggressive) game playing is not the mature way to deal with this problem.
I have an ex who is so conflict-avoidant, he doesn't break up, he just moves away and becomes emotionally distant in hopes that the partners get so sick of it that they break up with him. It just drags everything out and sends confusing messages... and on one occasion, caused a major blow-up when he moved onto his next partner without telling the previous one they'd split up. Trust me. Unless NOW believes her boyfriend is violent, which there's no indication of, she needs to person up and either tell him in person "I'm breaking up with you, here are some cheap nearby hotels for the rest of your stay" or preferably "don't come, I've realised I don't want to spend any more time with you." And if she DOES believe he's violent, she needs to say "don't come," and possibly stay with friends where he can't find her for the duration of his aborted visit in case he comes looking for her.

MsAnonymous @28: Another excellent point. NOW is just setting her kids up to be the kind of adults who tolerate abusive relationships because that's what they've seen modelled for them. Dump him for your kids' sake.
35
@30 Yes, to any other observer this is a dictionary definition of passive-aggressive behavior. He's been doing it longer and better than she could. And she needs less of it, more control over the sad situation she's invited into her family with that shitweasel.

He has another life, maybe another relationship, and he doesn't see much in her. She needs to actively reject that sadsack in order to have the possibility of happiness.
36
Fichu@30 - the guy lives 2000 miles away, how can she not get out of seeing him? A text message simply saying "It's over, I'm done." Give reasons if you must, but then stop corresponding. But if he's the type to jump on a plane and push it, you deal with it just like any other controlling asshole. Call the cops.

And being non-committal about everything in order to get him to lose interest or break up is textbook passive-aggressive.
38
Fichu, I have to agree with those saying that the technique you suggest @22 is classic passive-aggression. It also seems unnecessary.
What the lw should do--but won't, because they never do, and she sounds thoroughly brainwashed--is to break up with this guy. She could simply say that the relationship is no longer working for her, which is true.
If he were to come out, she doesn't have to put him up at her house and she doesn't even have to see him, though breaking up in a public place might be an option.

39
DonnyK @ 21 - usually I enjoy your posts, but as a single mom I need to call you on this one. Specifically "double shame on you for bringing this asshole into their lives."

1) We know nothing about the length or quality of the relationship at the point when Now introduced the boyfriend to her kids. I suspect it was relatively early - within the first 6 months or year - and boyfriend's patterns were not yet fully revealed. She probably didn't predict that 4 years down the road, she'd be feeling the way she describes herself feeling now. If she introduced the kids to him after she realized the relationship was beginning to go south, as a ploy to try to keep him engaged, then "shame on you" might be appropriate. But we don't have evidence of that.

2) And, her kids adored him. She is probably not the first or the only parent, single or otherwise, who has granted a pass for less-than-stellar behavior to someone who adored her kids. In fact, plenty of women married to husbands who abuse the women, but not their kids, do exactly that. (I'm not saying these women should take the abuse, just that it's a common pattern). Maybe he did things with/for the kids that their own biological dad didn't do.

3) Some single moms decide not to have love/sex relationships until their children are grown up, or "old enough" as they define it. Others decide that being a mother does not mean they have to put love and sex on hold. Still others do it one way for a while, and another way for another while. Would you be as harsh on a single dad, if the genders were reversed?
40
Swamp @37: Two people created these kids. One is raising them. Fuck off with your sexism.
41
@39 - I AM a single dad, and I never introduced my kids to the women I was dating until I finally met the lady I've been with for 7-1/2 years, and even she didn't get introduced until a half year in when I was darn sure it was going to be a lasting thing. And she's a woman, rarely ever a pedophile or other type of abuser. The letter omits how long this guy has been living 2000 miles away, but by any reading he doesn't sound like a peach. And of course the kids "adore" him...they're kids. That's what they do, and that's why you keep them at arm's length until you're damn sure. This "great guy" has her suicidal from 2000 miles away, which says as much about her as it does about him. I'm guessing there were warning signs a-plenty years ago.
42
Another victim of the Sunk Cost Fallacy. DTMFA
43
@40: Comment history indicates that they're a shitposter no matter the topic.
44
No one deliberately introduces someone that they think is an asshat or abuser into their children's lives. Sometimes it takes quite a while for an asshat to reveal him or herself. I never understand the point of piling on with the "why did you introduce him to your kids before you were sure?" accusations. DonnyKlicious, I'm glad that the woman you knew was a keeper at 6 months when you introduced her to your kids has proved to still be one 7 years later. Many people get married thinking that their spouse is "a keeper" and that marriage is over 7 years later.

I once waited 6 months to introduce my kids to the man I was dating, quite deliberately because I wanted to make sure that he was a real and lasting thing (and it wasn't just a timeline with a six month point marked off I was waiting for, but a more formal and durable thing which was revealing itself) and he broke up with me several days later. Maybe the nature of the relationship implied by that introduction spooked him. Who knows? The kids knew of his existence beforehand anyway, knew how much I obviously liked him, as I had talked about him, and had no attachments to him after a single meeting. Of course, they were teenagers, not little kids, and he wasn't acting in a parent-like capacity. That is where I think the more tricky part comes in: I don't think it's a good idea to move in with your lover (or move your lover in) if you have young kids living at home unless you are really sure that this is going to be a lasting thing. But again, most people get married or move in together when kids aren't involved thinking it's going to be a lasting thing, and it so often isn't.

Parents who are single and dating have to make a lot of choices about when to introduce their kids to their partners, and I think they often weigh factors and make what seems to them to be the right choice at the time. And indeed, only time will prove that decision to be the correct one. Unless we're talking about the parent who moves the obviously asshatty partner in after a three-weeks' acquaintance, I think we should cut this woman and other single parents a little slack.
45
Their relationship is doomed. The problem isn't that she posted sexy photos of herself on line, or even that she didn't tell him about it 1st. The problem isn't that he won't move to her city or is upset about her sexy Instagram. The problem is that they don't have enough of a foundation of communication to be discussing this with each other. A relationship with lack of communication is doomed to fail.
46
There's no way he's not fucking around on her
47
@44 I'm between Fichu and Donny on this one. On one hand, you don't know who someone really is. On the other, you have a heightened obligation to know and to protect your children who's ability to set expectations is functionally zero. Most importantly, I guess, is to own your decision: If your kids get their hearts broken, it'll be because of a decision you made. So make sure you find out all you can.

@46 there's plenty of ways he's not fucking around with someone else. It's not like 40-something guys have a highway of women to sex. He's unemployed but he may be an unemployed Actor living in LA/NYC, or an unemployed tech guy in the bay area, or whatever. or LW has been pressuring him for some time and although he likes her he doesn't like her enough to uproot his life, move in with her and her kids. Etc etc.
48
As an MD my first concern was that she needs immediate therapy with a psychiatrist--These guys are board certified in both psych and neurology to make sure she is physically and mentally ok.
Marriage counselors and therapists do very little for the current relationship..but NOW must make sure she doesn’t repeat this self-flagellation, this self-abuse of letting this go on for 5 years-Why?
And everyone here knows that the guy hasn’t been celibate for the years he’s staying away.

As far as the kids? Most children want a single mother remarried or in a solid relationship so that they don’t see her miserable, crying, suicidal. They may “like” the guy..because they hope the guy makes the mom happy. “Happy mom, happy house” as the expression kinda goes.

If they see her be strong and DTMFA, this will elevate their opinion of all women. "See! She’s in charge! All right!”
49
First time I've disagreed with Dan. DTMFA fer shure. But adults don't break up with other adults in text. Or chat. Or e-mail. The distance means a phone call is fine. Otherwise, spot-on Dan. Especially since she doesn't know what he does when he's home.
50
@4 nocutename

While in a horrible abusive shitty relationship I "wrote" many times, and thought 'oh'... And never hit send. I also stayed until they dumped me for someone else.
51
Dang it, @3
52
DonnyK - you are fortunate to have a combination of luck and good judgement. People who are not so blessed may write in for advice. At this point, this guy is clearly not a great guy, but I wonder at what point LW began to feel things were going south. When the stakes are high, people sometimes willfully blind themselves to the implications of their SO's behavior.

Also, consider the effect on children of learning their parent has been meeting up with someone the parent has come to care about significantly, and the kid(s) have been in the dark the whole time. Some kids might take that in stride; others may feel betrayed.

I myself dated for 6 months without my child's knowledge - it significantly reduced my already very limited opportunities to meet people, but that was the choice I made. I did not tell my child about my guy until 4 months in, and they didn't meet until 6 months in; I met his kids 7 months in. My child was definitely disconcerted to learn I had been dating for so long. And though we've been dating for over 3 years now, there are no guarantees.

NoCute @44 - thanks for the story. You point out that even when you do due diligence, people can have a change of heart. And you restate the obvious - it is difficult to determine when the balance has tipped in favor of introducing a boy/girlfriend to your children.
53
@29 Lava Girl. I agree in principle that her children's feelings should be taken account of. But how old are they? Could they understand saying goodbye to someone they like but who, they must understand, doesn't reliably care for their mother? Maybe it would just upset them to go through the experience.

To me, the letter is partly about sex, partly about everyday commitment. The boyfriend (or notional boyfriend) doesn't make the LW feel sexy, partly because he's usually absent. But the side of the matter dealing with non-sexual stuff, the everyday issues, is, I guess, more important. He should want to be there for her, to do the washing up, cook occasionally, take the kids clothes shopping, take them to Little League. She knows her relationship better than commenters (to some degree) and will have a sense whether it's worth saving. If it might be, she should perhaps give the guy an ultimatum that he pull his weight ... and when he refuses to do so, then move on, put him behind her.
54
@39, 41, 44. If a single mom's motivation is to find 'something for herself', to feel sexy and have sex, I'm not sure that the question of introducing a new lover to her children comes up. (It doesn't seem that's the case here, but it would be another reason for the LW to get shot of this awful guy).

What if at some level a mother supposes that she will get together with a man and have him be part of the family, as a father-figure to her kids? Circumspection is needed. Mothers need to be careful about not calling it wrong. But it's such a tricky situation. I can't blame them if they do. Even when relationships between adults are temporary, children will know who cares for them--their mother (usually), their primary carer.
55
In the specific case of NOW, it's impossible to tell how much her children know this man or how much a part of their lives he has been. She's known him for 5 years, so theoretically he has been a part of their lives for a large percentage of them, but considering that they sometimes go a month between seeing each other, it's easy to assume that the kids and the man have a pretty minimal relationship. If he was a stepfather or had been living with them, or the bf and the kids had had a strong relationship of their own, that's different. "My children adore this man (when they get to see him)" could simply mean that he takes them out for ice cream and buys them a present. If she met him when her kids were quite young and he saw them rarely, they're still young and they may have relatively few meaningful experiences or memories of him. If he came into their lives when they were 8-12 years old and stays at their house for a week at a time, going out and doing family-type things, they may feel much closer to him. We can't tell from the letter as written.

In general I think the bf or gf meeting their partner's kids matters more depending on how young the kids are and whether that bf or gf is assuming a parental role. My last bf met my kids within two weeks of my dating him, because my ex dropped by the house with the kids unexpectedly, and the new bf was there (fortunately, we weren't doing anything that the kids couldn't see). But they were older, and he wasn't moving in or acting like a parent; he was acting like Mom's friend. While I don't think my kids disliked him, they mostly only liked him insofar as they knew he made me happy. When we amicably broke up, they didn't seem to care either way, except to be supportive of me if I seemed sad. Not all "my kids and my partner" situations are equal.
56
@clancy (51 and 52): I'm glad you're out of the "horrible abusive shitty relationship" even if you weren't the one to end it. I hope you're doing better now.
57
LW here. Thanks for all the comments. I'm in my mid thirties and my kids are both in high school. I work hard and we have a nice life. BF really is a good man. He's incredibly intelligent and has the most integrity of any person I've ever met. He's incredibly emotionally supportive of me and the children. I trust him completely-- something I have never felt with anyone else. He did come into town and he is staying with us for the week. We have both been very honest about our feelings and he says he will move here if I promise to move to another place once both kids are out of HS. However, he also feels like he shouldn't move because he says he has lost all trust in me because of the instagram posts. I wish I could go back in time and make a better decision, but I can't. This relationship is worth holding onto. Maybe I just need to resign myself to partnering with someone and living separately.

Also- I am in therapy and I do take medications for depression. They have helped, but I still can't lose the feeling of loneliness. I want companionship. I want to lay my head on his chest at night and feel safe and secure. Sometimes I just don't know how I can have both things I want so desperately- his physical presence and a partner I can trust completely. I want to build a life with him and I selfishly screwed it all up just to get some attention with sexy photos.
58
@57 "I wish I could go back in time and make a better decision, but I can't."

No, but you can make a better decision than the one you seem to be currently making.

He wants you to promise to move after your children are out of high school? Why? It sounds like he wants to destabilize you (emotionally and financially), and separate you from your children. I sincerely hope you don't give this person any more real power over your life.
59
Hi LW @57, and thanks for adding some important background info.
I am concerned that the online pics are something your boyfriend will be able to hold over your head to ensure he has the moral "high ground" in your relationship, so he can pressure you to make decisions his way. Either he has to get over it, or move on. You can't keep beating yourself up about them, either.
60
@57: He doesn't sound like a good man from your descriptions, and please don't resign yourself. You deserve better than the man you've described.
61
This doesn't sound like an equal, let alone healthy relationship. It sounds codependent and a lonely place to be in BECAUSE of him, not for lack of his presence.

He's not a "good man" to be in a relationship with.
62
@44 I waited quite a while. It was FIVE years ago. I can't remember how long I waited, but rest assured, my children have not have random men coming and going out of their lives. At the very least- I have provided a stable, safe home for them and they are two wonderful, well adjusted children. They have me (all of me) and I rarely let them see me in a bad state of mind. I wish I could have provided my children with a two parent household, but that dream is now over--they are almost grown. However, please, everyone, know that my kids are safe and happy and secure. I may not have done well in my love life, but I have done well with them. They are truly my joy in life. BF and I are going to work on things. Trying to navigate a way for us to be together, happy, and fulfilled.
63
LW-NOW, what is wrong with your place and why wait until your kids are out of high school? If you and your lover pooled your finances, you could get a better place. Doesn't he want to support your children for 3-4 years, max.? You will both have to live with his not having done so (and with your adult children's reflections) if you stay together.

Don't beat yourself up over​ the Instagram pics. You did nothing wrong; you were tending to yourself. The baseline has to be your thinking you're attractive, lovable and can have a partner (not only this one). Good luck!
64
NOW @57: Your boyfriend's "integrity" sounds like judginess to me. If he can't see that you did what you did because you were lonely and cut you some slack, then I don't think he's the "good man" you see him as. Your only choices are NOT him or nobody forever. Surely there are other guys who have chests you could lay your head on? He's holding your future over your head because you made those Instagram posts -- ie blackmailing you to live by his moral standards. A woman in her mid 30s has lots more options!
65
@64 The thing is, we had an explicit agreement that I would NOT post photos on Instagram. I really screwed up. I intentionally hid what I was doing from him, instead of trying to communicate my feelings. No bueno. You are right, he does have incredibly high moral standards. It can be really hard sometimes because I am FAR from perfect. What's my option? A man with integrity that I know I can trust or going back to the drawing board with a bunch of creeps?
66
@65: "What's my option? A man with integrity that I know I can trust or going back to the drawing board with a bunch of creeps?"

A man that wants to be with you, wants you sexually, and respects you. And all of these things now, not where they may change in years.

What if he's not the man you thought when it finally comes time for your children to be out?

The issue is that his "standards" have ruled you out. You already don't match them independent of the Instagram kerfuffle. It's a symptom of the problem he has with you, not the cause.

You're gambling on him changing when your kids are out, but you've given plenty of evidence that they're not why things are bad off between you both.

Being a "good man" isn't being a man that is happy with you. You need someone who respects you from the start and wants you now. Beating yourself up about your will cracking and wanting attention that you deserve is counterproductive. He ain't gonna change.
67
Your "option" is to try for something that has the potential of working rather than butt heads against this guy who's only passively and strict conditionally "into" you and wants little to do with you or his own success otherwise.
68
LW, it sounds like what you want, what you need to thrive, is a partner that makes being with you his priority, both being in your life generally, and being with you sexually and romantically.

This man could be with you, you say he has the means and he is not bound by work. He chooses not to. That's his right.

But if he cares for you, he should care what you want and need, especially if your lack of it is making you depressed. If he cannot provide it, why keep you hanging on instead of freeing you up to seek it?

There are all sorts of ways he could be in your life as a friend who cares for you, and your children, without monopolizing you in this way.
69
@68: And he's not even promising her anything. It's the possibility that he MIGHT change his mind about how he feels about her in the future.

The dating sites are filled with jerks but she already has one, who I guess is "polite". But still not into her.
70
@68 If you only knew him you would see how lucky I am to have him in my life, anyway I can have him.
71
@70 LW-NOW the way you are having him in your life now is making you depressed, and drove you to seek approval on Instagram for which he is now making you feel worse yet.

He could choose to be in your life in a way that does not make you feel this bad. Is he doing that? Can he? Can you?

You have children who need you functional and acting with self-respect. If you can't care for your happiness, at least care for theirs.

72
NOW @65: You never mentioned the explicit agreement to not post racy photos on Instagram. How did that come up? I've never discussed whether I'll post sexy photos on Instagram with any of my partners. My guess is that he brought it up as one of many "rules" he expects you to follow; am I correct?

No, you're not perfect. This guy has somehow gaslit you into believing that he is. Can't you see that he's not -- nobody is? Someone who truly loves you will both accept your imperfections and own up to their own. You're acting as though he is the only man with "integrity" in the world. Has he convinced you of this, too?

Don't go back to the drawing board. Break up with him and get yourself to a good therapist who can help you understand why you, a woman in your 30s, have allowed yourself to be convinced that every man in the world besides this one is a "creep." In reality, this guy is pretty much the textbook definition of creepy! He's moralistic and controlling and has you convinced that you're not good enough. You and your kids deserve better. Being alone is better than being treated like you've been a bad girl (and not in the fun way). Your post @70 indicates just how brainwashed and abused you are. You think you're "lucky" to get someone who judges you, infantilises you, gaslights you, and controls you by not committing to a future unless you toe his line on morality. There are lots of better men out there -- but please don't date any of them until you can advocate for yourself as a human being. Stop groveling! If this guy's got you upset enough to write to Dan, he really is not the prize you have convinced yourself he is.
73
LW-NOW, I'm not going to say I know better than you with regard to your boyfriend. How could I?

But it does sound to me that you think it's him or a creep, him or nobody. Maybe you could try to raise your self-esteem some other way? Lose forty pounds (apologies if you're rake-thin). Go up five belts in taekwondo. Become neighbouhood chess champion. This will have a knock-on effect on how you see yourself dating.
74
@70: You sound unhappy that he's in his life but more unhappy that a bad guy for you would leave you.

Seriously, the only thing good about him that you've said so far is that your kids like him.

But he doesn't like your kids.

He doesn't like that you have them. He doesn't like having them around from everything you are telling us.

Yes it's scary to be alone, but you already are alone.

You can do better, and find someone who you can honestly say makes you happier than he makes you feel unwanted.

75
@73: I don't know if "know better" is the best way to convince a person, but she surely can't say anything good about his treatment of her beyond "he is a good man and I'm scared that anyone else will be worse" :(
76
Also agreed that she needs a hobby or something she can feel good about for herself alone, I imagine her life is about her kids and obsessing about this guy with fantasies about when he's going to stop treating her poorly all the while blaming herself when he treated her poorly well before Instagram became their latest shared excuse for the neglect and lack of concern/affection.
77
@75. Undead Ayn. To me this is the danger of the DTMA advice. It may seem perfectly well-founded. But when the person seeking advice doesn't follow it, thinks it mistaken, it leaves the advisor with nowhere to go. It essentially says to someone, 'you understand nothing about your situation; you've been brainwashed, gaslit'. Of course you're hoping that this person will see sense. But if they don't, you've only laid down a basis for distrust and perhaps animosity. And if they do? One thing it says about them is that they've followed a stranger's advice over their own reservations or instincts.
78
@77: "One thing it says about them is that they've followed a stranger's advice over their own reservations or instincts."

Well, it certainly brings up two following questions-

Why the flip are they reading advice columns?
Why are they asking for advice if they're going to just argue with the writer?

It is not surprising that they argue and wish to recast reality in a more pleasing light, she's been doing that for many years now.
79
LW-NOW, you don't sound lucky to me - you sound distressed, humiliated, insecure and desperate. Or maybe I'm reading a lot into "how lucky I am to have him in my life, any way I can have him."
80
@77. Undead Ayn. The question is how you lead someone towards your view of what's in their best interests. Do you go for a short, sharp shock approach, telling them they've been brainwashed, gaslit etc., that they have completely the wrong end of the stick, or do you find one or two stray reservations or intimations they might have that anticipate your view, and tease them out and work on those, and try to bring them round to your understanding?

I think a non-professionally certified advice columnist like Dan, writing for a mass audience, will go for the first, and a qualified therapist more likely to go for the second. Which approach works best is likely to depend on how the person seeking advice sees the giver.
81
When I wrote my letter to Dan I was a mess and too embarrassed by the instagram account fiasco to take it up with many in my life. It reveals how insecure I am, my low self esteem, all these personal struggles I have to feel whole and the truth about how I feel about myself- something I actively hide from the majority of people in my life. My letter was lopsided. It didn't express the entirety of the situation and it certainly painted my BF in the worst light possible. I can, however, attest to the fact that this guy loves me, loves my kids, and has only good intentions for us. I think, maybe, that fully merging our lives is just very frightening to him. I did wrong. I was not acting as a good partner. If I want to be worthy of that kind of love I've got some personal issues to overcome. And I WILL overcome them.

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