Two quick letters to start out the week, both from European girls wanting to know if they're bi—and, hey, who better than me to ask than me?

First, from Germany:

I argue with a lover (man, I'm a woman) about this, he says I'm bi: I love cocks, and I really love them. But I like women too, just not that intensely—I don't dream endlessly about curves & cunts like I do cocksucking (long haul flight tip right there, wow do flights go like the wind). My thing with women is skewed, I only have sex with women in the company of men/man, and my arousal is pretty power-play centered: she either dominates me (pushing my face into her pussy, riding my mouth) or I tease her & put her in humiliating positions (that I myself would be turned on by, were I in her place). What's the story? Am I over thinking it when I think I'm sexist? I identify as straightish. Because the idea of having sex with a woman alone is not-a-turn-on/terrifying. I'm pretty horny about going down on girls but not really into breasts & kissing and all the cool famously beautiful things about we women. Part of me wonders if it's some kind of deep repression that scares me away from identifying/being actually bi.

What's your take?

Maybe Wet 4 Women

PS: Next time you're in Berlin I want to take you to my local, I think you'll love it.

The bisexual label/identity is often misunderstood—even by many bisexuals—to cover only those people who are romantically and sexually attracted to both men and women equally. But it's not that simple. There are girls who wanna fuck girls but only fall in love with boys and boys who only fall in love with boys but also wanna fuck girls and boys who wanna fuck boys but only fall in love with girls and girls who only fall in love with girls but wanna fuck boys. There are "lopsided bisexuals," e.g. men and women who are romantically and sexually attracted to opposite-sex partner while also being sexually attracted—but not romantically attracted—to same-sex partners. And vice-versa. Some folks are bisexual but heteroamorous, others are bisexual but homoamarous. And some bisexuals folks are, indeed, romantically and sexually attracted to men and women equally. Bisexuality, like most anything worth being/having/contemplating, is complicated.

But for the record and your files, MW4W, here's a better, more inclusive, more accurate definition of bisexual, created and popularized by bisexual activist Robyn Ochs:

“I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted—romantically and/or sexually—to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way and not necessarily to the same degree.”

So, MW4W, the question isn't whether you're "actually" bi, but how your bisexuality expresses itself. You can like women "just not that intensely" and still identify as bisexual. You can express your bisexuality only during hot and smutty girl-on-girl power play scenes in the company of at least one dude and still identify as bisexual.

Or, hell, you can identify as straightish or heteroflexible or one of the very few women into "forced bi," a D/s kink enjoyed primarily by straightish men.

And now from Italy:

I'm 21 and confused. I've been thinking I was a lesbian since I was 14, you know, first crush and so on. I've been with some girls, I left my girlfriend a year and a half ago, after two years of relationship. I'm hopeless in love, right now, with a hetero woman. But I've started thinking that I like men too, maybe just less, and I would like to find out if what I feel is true. But I'm out and proud and really scared, also because I had a couple of HORRIBLE experiences with men... I don't know how to act, also because I would just like to try, I'm not looking for a relationship, but how can I trust someone I don't know? So what's your advice? Where can I go? How do I approach?

Barely Interested

P.S. I hope my English is understandable, I'm writing you from Italy, I'm not so good at that!

A few things...

1. Your English is a whole lot better than my German, BI. You have nothing to apologize for.

2. You know who else has had HORRIBLE experiences with men? Me, I have, and more than a couple—and I didn't let those horrible experiences stop me. If I could find guys capable of providing me with wonderful experiences, BI, so can you. Don't let any dude pressure you or talk you into doing anything you're not comfortable doing (sometimes people talk us into doing things we are comfortable doing and/or really wanted to do), take all reasonable precautions, and err on the side of treating men like the testosterone-soaked dick monsters many/most are, even the ones you know personally. But there are good ones out there, BI, and they're worth searching for.

3. Sometimes confusion can only be resolved with a little exploration, BI. But if the thought of hooking up or casually dating men makes you feel panicked, there are plenty of straight (or straightish) couples looking for bisexual/lesbian/curious women to join them for some fun (as MW4W's letter demonstrates). Connect with a couple, BI, and you'll able to explore sex with men with perhaps less pressure to perform or conform. If you don't click with the dude, there's always a hot lady for you to focus on instead... and vice-versa. (A caveat: It's curious that your interest in men seems to have surfaced during an infatuation with a straight girl. Hopefully your interest in men is sincere, BI, and not a tactic to somehow make yourself more appealing to this straight girl. ("Hey, I like dicks sometimes too—we have so much in common!") If your newly discovered interest in men is some weird move to make this girl find you attractive, BI, drop this plan and run towards the nearest girl who actually wants to fuck you.)

Bonus thing:

4. Your sudden interest in men doesn't require you to surrender your out-and-proud card. You could be an out-and-proud bisexual or an out-and-proud lesbian-identified bisexual or an out-and-proud lesbian who messed around with a guy once because she was curious but then realized guys didn't do it for her and has no plans to mess around with guys in the future.