Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Quad Squad


Dan, FOUR left out a critical piece of information that should have had you wondering. FOUR texted her boyfriend, whose phone was off, but he undoubtedly received the message when he turned on the phone thereafter.

FOUR what did your boyfriend say when he saw your text later that evening or the next day? Were you able to discuss what happened, or did he ignore the message without comment? If you expressed a disinterest in having sex with this other couple, and then went ahead and had sex because you felt you couldn't back out, and your boyfriend knew this (albeit after the fact) and didn't say anything (after the fact) then you have more fundamental communication issues to address beyond communicating with this other couple.
Also, with regard to the MMF, it can be as simple as when she starts going down on one guy, the other comes in from behind.... or (dating myself) bust out the Super Mario Brothers and whoever is waiting their turn to play gets the action. (I have no idea what, if any, modern day video game has turn-based two-player mode.)

Additional option, if this really is a poly relationship, simply ask the other male to go for a walk, explain you're just not feeling it that day, and perhaps promise to make it up to him later. This is easier if you're poly to the point that you hook up in pairs when the other person isn't present, due to work or other social activity or whatever.
This is not a poly relationship. It is swinging with at best swapping.
Your SO/partner is not checking in with you he needs to resolve this before anything else happens.
I think all four of you need to talk more.

In particular, you need to talk over the scenarios that are acceptable, feasible--or let's say exciting!; let's put it like that--and your partner needs to talk about his fear of gay sex. MFF with him having an erection while another man has an erection is a little bit gay, isn't it? Some straights may not like the comment--but I was comparably afraid of straight sex until I was honest about group experiences.
Engaging in all sorts of complex, or athletic shenanigans...but being incapable of having your own feelings, thinking about them, expressing them, and acting upon them.

Why has this become the default standard of so many women? I read these whinging statements all the damn' time.

If you can't talk about it or ask for it, you probably shouldn't be doing it.
biggie@2 - Ultimate Chicken Horse! It's a competitive platformer that has a Couch Mode for people who want to take turns and/or only have one controller. It's been out on Steam for a while, but will be coming to XB1, PS4, and the Switch this year.

As for the letter, has the LW talked about this with her boyfriend at all? Just a "hey, so this happened, how should we deal with it if it happens again"? It seems kind of odd to me that the LW would consult an advice columnist before discussing it with the most important person in her relationship(s).
I think we need to hear more about the sex before we can truly understand and assist with this LW's problem.
@5, Polyphemus -- Why has difficulty expressing and acting upon her own feelings "become the default standard of so many women"?

Because many girls are still trained to believe that other people's feelings and other people's needs are more important than their own. Because many girls are still trained to believe that men's desires matter, and their own do not. Because many girls are still trained to believe that "nice girls" don't have sexual feelings. Because our society doesn't truly believe that women's bodies belong to women; it believes that women's bodies belong to men.

Blaming individual women for systemic cultural oppression is, itself, oppressive. It's also stupid if what you want is a woman who will tell you what she's thinking and feeling, since "What the hell is wrong with you" never convinced anybody to open up. :-)

When I was a professor, during the early 90's, several different young women asked me if it was true that women could enjoy sex. They were HAVING all kinds of sex, but they were doing it to get and keep a boyfriend ... and those boyfriends either didn't care if their girlfriends had a good time, or didn't know how to help them have a good time.

I realized that we had gone from "nice girls don't have sex" to "nice girls have to have sex" without ever reaching a point where "nice girls" were allowed to think about what THEY wanted -- to have sex or to not have it -- and to act accordingly. The culture that told young women they MUST have sex with their boyfriends was just as oppressive as the one that told them they MUST NOT have sex with their boyfriends, just in the opposite direction, because BOTH mindsets held that the woman's own desires were irrelevant.
This doesn't really sound like a poly relationship. This sounds a lot more like swinging, which would be classified as non monogamous.

I think this is an important detail because swingers are swingers for the NSA sex, whereas poly people are poly for the relationship.

When you look at it from this perspective, I could see why she would be apprehensive to bring it up. The other couple could very easily interpret her "not feeling it" as a way for her to not have sex, but her husband to still have sex with other women. That really starts to get into the realm of being unfair (in the other couple's minds).

I don't have any answers or suggestions but I don't think the question was correctly asked from the start.
Sublime @1 has a very good point. I wish we knew how the bf reacted after the fact, once he had seen her text. Although I agree with the chorus - this doesn't sound like true poly, where things are often talked half to death. This is more like monogamish swinging, sort of acquaintances with benefits. You guys gotta learn how to communicate before you can call yourselves a quad.
What bothers me is that, because FOUR didn't feel she could depend on the support of BF to back her up when he didn't answer her text, she reluctantly decided to go ahead and "take one for the team" and have sex anyway with the male-bodied half of the other couple. She didn't have the self-confidence to say "Sorry folks, I am just really not in the mood tonight - how about a game of Charades, or maybe a foot massage circle?...Or if you'd prefer, we can just call it an early night and we'll head for home." I am with Corylea @8 on this one, and it is very disturbing. It makes me wonder whether FOUR was truly gung-ho from the start about sexualizing this foursome-with-friends, or if she is simply going along with BF's preferences for expanding their sex life.