Savage Love Letter of the Day: He's Perfect, But a Premie


After like 2 decades of saying, "no, most women don't get off from PiV sex", it seems the tables are turned - we're seeing a lot (ok, 2) of letters from women who are expressing a desire to get off during PiV sex and find partners that get them via oral/foreplay uncompelling.

I've often wondered if Dan runs advice "arcs" - ie, trying to tell a story with the letters he picks, emphasizing certain themes for a period of time.

Does the invisible hand move the market of letters you receive Dan, and would you say that the letters that are published are a decent representation of the (serious, compelling) letters you get? Or is there a plan/program to them?
He could also masturbate a couple of hours earlier. (in the "this might help/worth giving a try" category - no guarantees)
2-Ricardo-- That was going to be my suggestion. Come once quickly when she's around or not, doesn't matter. Most guys last longer the 2nd time, and I've known some who can get hard the 3rd time, but it takes them forever to come if they can at all.
@2 He could also try a condom, or even 2 (I've heard guys with penile piercings do this, so it's at least technically feasible). They make condoms with topical ointments on them, I'd be surprised if there wasn't one designed to basically make it impossible to cum. He could also try certain non-sex medications, some are known to make it harder to get off, but I think they come with "kill your libido" as well.

As for LW, are you getting off in other ways with your man? Are you chasing PiV orgasms specifically or orgasms in general? Have you broached your BDSM interests explicitly? Last I checked you don't need a hard dick to tie someone up or whip them or order them around or write degrading things on their naked body. Look up "impact play", or whatever best suits your particular kink.
I really didn't get why the kink is out of the question. That didn't seem to follow from the short PIV sessions. Is this a whole separate issue, whether it's around her asking / his not being willing / other blockers?
@5: Its a little ambiguous.

"On top of that, I'm very into kink, rough sex, and BDSM, and right now those are totally out of our wheelhouse as a couple. How am I supposed to be sub to a man who can't control his orgasm"

I guess she sees his insecurities and sexual performance as more submissive traits, and he's more fixated on that than giving back? Perhaps a mix of her perspective of him and his disinterest in offering other options? Even non-penetrative activities still get his knees quickly buckling?
MB @5, Undead @6, I don't think she means that - "How am I supposed to be sub to a man who can't control his orgasm?" - as contemptuously as it sounds, but since the sub role in BDSM is all about giving yourself over to the Dom/me and trusting them to maintain control and keep you safe (though rarely comfortable), I'd guess she thinks his lack of control over his PE would equate to insufficient self-control (and maybe insufficient self-confidence and attitude...?) to be a safe and effective Dom. Or maybe he's already lost a lot of her respect in the bedroom, so she just doesn't care to explore BDSM with him and face more potential disappointment.

Given that this couple has only been together for about a year and LW is already dissatisfied and going crazy due to the bad sex with Mr. Incredible, I don't like their long-term chances. It's ironic, since I think most guys take longer and longer to come with age, especially after age 45-50. Not that I think LW should wait that long, if she's already going crazy now. She can take Dan's advice and make a conscious decision to explore other means of coming and playing with Mr. Incredible, then end with a few seconds of PIV thrusts that may (or may not) increase to a few minutes or up to the better part of an hour over a long period of time, possibly decades. She could also seek out PIV action with another sex partner, if that's something they are both OK with. That would allow her to relax and get more enjoyment out of her current relationship with Mr. Incredible, since it sounds like they are highly compatible in all the important non-sexual ways. Or, she can break up with him and keep looking for a guy who may not match up to Mr. Incredible outside the bedroom, but who can give her the PIV sex she craves.
Get him a perscription for an S.S.R.I. One of the biggest side effects is delayed orgasm.
A fair number of women are into getting fisted vaginally, and some like ass fisting too. And hands never go limp. So that's also something to explore - finished off, after an hour or two and when you're nearly satiated, with a quick dick-fuck.
Ditto @4's suggestion of condom use. Certainly get his dick in to see a urologist pronto!
Don't know if this is applicable, but when I was younger, I had a bit of a problem lasting more than the time it takes to open a shaken up soda bottle. For me, it was always the first time with a new partner...after that it never happened. I came to realize (pun intended) that making a good impression was heavily on my mind (which was way counterproductive) because I was trying too hard to be hard during foreplay, and by the time we finally got around to it, ol' Moby Dick was simply too primed. I learned to just let the little guy be flaccid until he was needed and concentrate on oral sex for my partner. That seemed to do the trick for me, and had the side benefit of having already given her an orgasm or two so even if I did pop off too soon at least she couldn't complain too much.

Other than that, I usually look to the Mayo Clinic first for my web advice (and not just because I grew up 30 miles away from it). The internet is full of quackery, but I'm thinking you can trust this source.…
Are you for real? Who are these women you know who are into fisting? I have NEVER yet delivered a baby where the woman yelled orgasmically! She’s usually telling me and her husband to ESAD!

Getting a small well lubricated speculum into a woman’s vagina is tough as is. Same with using an anal speculum on both men and women-looking for internal hemorrhoids, growths etc.

Are you Donald Trump with teeny hands?
@11 Are you seriously comparing sex to medical procedures? This is wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin. To start with, a closed speculum isn't necessarily bigger than a penis, but it is still uncomfortable. Hopefully anyone engaging in sexytimes with a romantic partner is more relaxed than they are in a doctors office with at best, a trusted professional shoving a chunk of cold steel up them. Foreplay. Working your way up to it. How exactly do you think fisting is done? Also, barring microcephaly, a fist is still smaller than a newborn's head. About the only intersection between medical procedures (including giving birth) and sex is people who get turned on by playing doctor. This is akin to wondering why someone who is into pain in the bedroom doesn't orgasm at the dentist...
The only thing I have to add is that it's "in the throes of", not "throws". It's a fossil word, like "champing" (as in "champing at the bit") and "petard" (as in "hoist by his own petard").
@Helen Nuschler MD: I am a woman and being fisted is one of my favorite things. I don't know how you have sex, but it's nothing like having a baby for me. Neither is having sex like having a pelvic exam.
I'm kind of surprised that a woman (or at least I assume you are, based on your username) would equate a sexual act with a medical procedure or the experience of giving birth (and yes, I've given birth), but that's the thing about this comment section: I always learn something.
@11 I will add to the general dismay at your posting that indeed I've known women who've orgasmed during birth.
I don't know if they yelled.
@11 - Wow. As someone who probably would never countenance even the suggestion of fisting by a partner, even I know that there are plenty of people who do indeed find it pleasurable. I don't get it, but then I don't have to. If you are truly a M.D., perhaps you should work on being a little less judgemental about sexual acts that you personally do not like.
Long-time @13: Thank you, that jumped out at me too.

ECarpenter and "Dr" Helen: The number of women who are into what ECarpenter suggests is probably higher than "Dr" Helen thinks and lower than ECarpenter thinks. Substitute "fingering" for "fisting" and "minutes" for "hours" in post @9 and you'll have more generally applicable advice. Many women who don't want to take a full hand would love to have two or three fingers for an extended period. And no, sex of any sort is nothing like childbirth! What a ridiculous comparison to make.
One problem with the "standard" advice that Dan identifies is that "thrusting slowly and carefully" may be effective in delaying the guy's orgasm, but it's also pretty much certain to be effective in preventing this woman's as well.
I reckon the strap-on and "masturbate first" advice will be much more helpful for this couple.
I'm going with the suggestion of a strapon and a dildo. LW gets her fucking. If the boyfriend is feeling insecure about the toys, then LW can point out that it's still the man she wants fucking her the way she wants, and it will totally sidestep the one problem that's killing their sex life.
@18 -- the purpose of that advice is not to get the woman off, or even the man. The purpose is to train the guy's dick so that hopefully they can build towards more vigorous PIV sex. It's actually good advice. Nothing in that advice prevents the man from getting the woman off fourteen different ways beforehand. But if he doesn't practice stress-free PIV, where he works on building up a tolerance for those sensations, the likelihood he'll ever overcome his PE is basically nil.
As a guy, I've dealt with this myself. It's not fun, and there's a lot of shame involved. If I had to bet, I'd say that he knows damn well why she's not showing as much sexual interest in him... and it's probably pretty devastating for him.

But I come with practical advice!

1. Purchase the book "Coping With Premature Ejaculation" by Barry McCarthy.

2. Find an experienced sex therapist. He'll start by going alone, and then she'll probably start going sometimes, too.

She needs to take the pressure off. If she doesn't think she'll ever enjoy sex with him, then she needs to break things off soonish -- get that ball rolling and then end it. Fully. None of this "let's be friends, I love you but don't want to be with you, we can still give each other back rubs" shit. They took things to this level, and so they either need to stay there or part ways. Any middle ground will be sadistic.

As Dan says, this requires patience. But it's not a death sentence. If he feels secure in his relationship, if he can feel like a sexually adequate partner -- and only then -- he can begin to coach his dick.

For me, I had to work through some completely insane sexual anxieties / feelings of inadequacy, and then also practice the techniques in that book and do the things my therapist recommended.

I remember the first time I was able to perform and last for a while. It was very liberating -- I thought, "Holy shit! It really doesn't have to be that way!"

I still have the same dick, this issue still occurs (especially when I'm nervous, in a new relationship, under stress, etc.), but honestly, I've hooked up with women I'm confident never knew that this was ever a problem for me.

He might never be able to provide her with the sexual experiences she's looking for. But I hope she can be open-minded (her letter seemed a bit judgmental, probably due to her frustration), and I hope she at least gives him a chance
I've had two female friends who were into vaginal fisting (not from me). Yes, it helped when their partners had tiny Trump hands. In one case, a shower cap was involved for some reason (!!!!!!).


Good* sex requires practice--not just for this couple, but for everyone. I'm not sure why so many people don't "get" that. Is it because the word "practice" is associated with work rather than romance and spontaneity? Is that where this reluctance comes from?

*So you think you're already having good sex without practice? Great. I'm defining "good sex" as better than what you're having right now. :-P
@20,21: Good insight/suggestions, pythag3. I'm glad you found an approach that helped you and hope this man--and hopefully this couple--will, too.
Slinky @ 19 "it will totally sidestep the one problem that's killing their sex life"

I highly doubt that. Many men (I'd say a majority, in my experience) have this totally symbiotic relationship with their dick, i.e. If it doesn't work the way it "should", they consider themselves lesser men. He has to work on that before he'll be able to accept the strap-on option, or else he'll just feel humiliated and things will worsen.
At the risk of sounding totally misinformed: Although I have never had a partner use one (with me) but would the LW's partner wearing a cockring help?

SNJ @ 25 - A bit, most probably, but he would have to put it on quite a while before getting to PIV, when he's very soft, so as not to come from the sensation of the ring.
Was Dan high while operating his advice column? Some studies do show behavioral techniques help (some studies show no effect, but they don't make it worse).

And meds can definitely help some people, tons of studies on this.

SSRIs as mentioned by @8, ED drugs like Viagra and Cialis delay ejaculation in some men as @10 mentions, Mayo clinic summarizes this as does a moment's perusal of PubMed:

If he's a "one and done" (or "two and done" or "n and done") guy with a looong refractory period, a higher dose ED drug or Caverject can give him a faster-than-normal post-ejaculatory boner but with a significantly delayed next-ejaculation.

Get thee to an AASECT certified sex therapist who knows the best behavioral techniques, psychosocial interventions, and works with an MD, PA, FNP, or other prescribing-medical practitioner.
@25: Sounds a bit apples-to-oranges when it comes to issues of over-sensation and ejaculatory control. I'd think that it'd have a counter effect for that intended purpose, but perhaps someone with more experience combating this would be able to give a more direct "no".
The LW seesaws in between incompatibly extreme things in what she says about her partner. She 'loves, respects and adores' him but he 'can't control his orgasm'. I get the impression she's trying not to say 'I think less of him because he comes prematurely'--though, of course, that is likely what she thinks.

They need to take a step back from PIV as a couple, I think. As Capricornius says, it's possible she supposes he can't dom her because he's insufficiently self-possessed and masterful. But maybe with the strap-on? With stiff fingers and a look of extreme resolution on his face? Quite why is bondage out of their wheelhouse? I find it dispiriting when anyone refers to anything but PIV as 'foreplay'. Is oral sex foreplay for her? Fingering or fisting can't be the main event? What does it say (you will humor me the romance) of their looking in each other's eyes or squeezing each other's hands? As the situation has been described, it seems more her problem than his. Poor guy, he seems at his wits' end, possibly feeling inadequate and browbeaten. She needs to find him another way to get her off. And I think he would seize it with relish.
@29. Harriet. It's not a matter of her getting off, as we've read here from many women, getting off from PIV is not always going to happen. It's the pleasure of PIV that a woman experiences.
@29: Wow, Harriet, I think you're being waaaaaay too harsh on the lw. I see no contradiction at all between love, respect, and adoration and "he can't control his orgasm."
One statement describes her feelings; the other is a plain statement of fact. There's nothing to suggest that she is secretly harboring contempt for her bf . . . at least not in those words. Actually, the love, respect, and adoration don't stand independently in the sentence, but are attached to a dependent phrase: "Outside of our quickly dwindling sex life." ("Outside of our quickly dwindling sex life, I love, respect, and adore this man and could see myself building a life with him long term, but sex is SO important for both of us and the health of our relationship.") The sentence in its entirety strongly suggests that this lw is compartmentalizing this relationship's facets and perhaps also her boyfriend's qualities. He's well on his way to being her neutered best friend, but I don't see her thinking "less" of him, just differently about him.

But I will say that in her derisive explanation that his PE/ED make the idea of any BDSM stuff "out of [their] wheelhouse" establishes a definite case for the argument that she looks down on him or thinks less of him.

I think that he might be becoming emasculated in her eyes and if she is subby, she may be equating a dominant man with a virile man, and therefore she has decided he lacks the necessary manliness/masculinity to dominate her. So if that's the case, then you could be picking up on that attitude. If it's gone that far, I don't think this relationship is salvageable as a romantic/sexual one.
Maybe the LW needs to try and meet her guy half way. Does she masturbate? Perhaps she could have fantasies where she gets off with oral or fingers. Sorry Harriet@29, I didnt closely read the part where she only orgasms during PIV.
And she has been patient, it is a year long relationship. Pythog3@21 shows how this situation can be shifted, for the man.
LW as others above have pointed out, your attitude needs to shift and let the judgement go. It's pressure on him too if you only ogasm during PIV. Its a dynamic. And if the relationship in all other aspects are as close to perfect as you describe, go see a sex therapist asap. Trust that these issues can be sorted.
@29. Lava Girl. Sorry, my 'getting off' expression was badly put. I meant it integrally to mean enjoying sex, including the imaginative experiences of conforming to (or bucking--though I'd guess conforming to, in this case), conforming to and meeting gendered expectations and arousing stereotypes of sexual behavior.

Does she not come, though, through playing with toys? I see now you're thinking along the same lines as me. It could be that she'd find it hard to come with her boyfriend driving the toy in that she feels it's not properly manly--it should be his dick. She should try to disabuse herself of this notion now. Any performance pressure has to come off him. He's not a ten year practising a Bach sonata. And do ten year-olds like Bach sonatas? When they get praised for playing them. How about her thinking of no more than pleasing his dick for a while?
@31. Nocutename. I don't mean to be harsh on her. The issue may be that the LW knows the words for kinds of sex life, but isn't experiencing those realities as their practitioners and enthusiasts would understand them. She says she's into 'kink, rough sex and BDSM'. But if she only experiences orgasm through PIV, this would seem to imply that her idea of rough sex is simply him pounding her in a dominating way. Kinksters are going to say there's more variety to it. Partners can switch. And domming isn't purely a matter of being able to perform, powerfully and flawless, to a preconceived definition. (I'm very sub--without necessarily thinking of myself as a kinkster).

As quite often, I think it would be better if the LW wasn't labeling herself and just expressed the desire to be happier in bed (people claiming poly status or a GGG ethos can be similar, I find).

The LW does not say: 'I've found a wonderful guy to whom I want to be committed but there's this problem I need help in getting over'. How she feels is more desperate and anguished than that. That's what my saying she's yawing between extremes, almost histrionically, was meant to convey. It's likely the guy's not as amazing in other ways as she projects, and that sex with him doesn't has to be so bad. How old would you say the couple are? Perhaps mid-20s, late-20s? Old enough for her to have had a fulfilling 'slut phase' but now wanting to settle down? This yo-yo-ing between extremes, and finding it difficult to look at its situation in its entirety, would seem to be more typical of younger people.

Does he have to be virile, traditionally male, in bed for her to want to be with him? This is maybe a question only she can answer. There are technical patches, like serotonin uptake inhibitors and Cialis, but I'd see them as short-term fixes until the couple can sort out the gender roles issue. Let's say he begins to learn to withhold his orgasm. How he has felt when not being able to perform will always be with him, and he'll only be a few quick squirts away from the problem coming back all over again.
Is the problem premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction? A pragmatic solution if it is just premature ejaculation. Using whatever (vulgar?) language is appropriate he commands you, his sub property?, to take off his clothes. He sits naked in a chair with his legs spread. He commands you to STRIP off your clothes, Then he commands get on your hands and knees, crawl to him and suck him off. It doesn't matter if he cums prematurely. He commands you to suck his cock and balls until he is hard again during which he grabs your head and fucks your mouth (rough sex) He takes you roughly (PIV) in whatever position(s) and however he chooses.
She is his sub. She wants rough sex and PIV until she cums
Cut your losses. You are allowed to end a relationship if you're not sexually compatible.

LW wants good sex and doesn't sound patient enough to wait for it to happen... and I'm not clear from the letter that they even had enough communication that they both know this is a problem. Yeah, he's a great guy, and I'm sure she's great, too. But they will spend the rest of their lives litigating this sexual imbalance, and no one deserves that.
@37 You really don't think they'd get better with practice? I see this relationship as being salvageable.

The premature ejaculation is not a red flag. That can be dealt with. If he's kink-phobic, on the other hand, you have a point.
Am I an outlier in that toys feel like nothing to me? Psychologically, I require real dick or it's just not sexy at all.

Premature ejaculation is sometimes ED in disguise. A guy sometimes learns to come quickly because of lack of confidence in his ability to sustain an erection. It's worth seeing a urologist to rule that out.
@33 Harriet, if by gendered expectations,
you mean the woman expects the man to stay erect for more than thirty seconds? Then those gendered expectations are hard to let go of, as a young woman. I've only ever been with one guy who went quick and it was not an experience I wanted to repeat.
@37Steverino said it, have they even really faced this as a problem. And yes, for a young sexually desirious young woman, thirty seconds of fucking would make sex not fun. So. She either lets it go for now, and they both do some work. He has to get to a therapist and check his diet.
Or, she calls it quits and hopes she'll find another great partner guy, who can sustain his erection.
I'm with you mr ballsup@39. Real flesh or why bother.
Someone could be a Dom with PE, or just a regularly confident partner with PE, depending how they handled it. Someone who handled it by being defensive, avoidant, dodging communication with their partner, dodging doctors, pretending they'd no problem when their partner was climbing the walls: not so much.
@38: They are certainly welcome to try, with no guarantee that practice would be enough to meet her needs. He's "perfect BUT" this is a pretty critical incompatibility for her. Good faith effort aside, sometimes persons have great paper matches with each other but an element out of place that throws everything out of balance.

"The premature ejaculation is not a red flag. That can be dealt with."

Some persons can, if not, she may not enjoy having to seek out physical affections from others.

The point in 37 is still vitally true: "You are allowed to end a relationship if you're not sexually compatible". And that's sad, but far less sad than deciding there are reasons why someone isn't "allowed" to end a relationship for any reason out of misplaced obligation.

Pivoting from a scenario that's just not working for either of them (If he's a good guy, he can't be happy when she is this miserable either) could give him proper time and space to get the therapy he needs, or at least find someone more capable of matching any physical limitations.

Point is, matching the person you want to be with is much more admirable than thrashing around because you feel you should be more attracted to the person than you are. Obligation in the early stages of a relationship is not a virtue.
Dan gets multiple letters from guys that can't orgasm at all during sex because of their "death-grip" style of masturbation. Is it possible that making the death grip a habit could help this guy, or is it too late for that?
Clone a Willy! Then he can fuck her with "his" cock.
@40. LavaGirl. I mean something more than that by 'gendered expectations'--that he is dominant, masterful, powerfully and competently directs penetrative sex. It’s possible, after all, for a man to be erect for thirty minutes, not thirty seconds, of PIV (personal experiences will vary), and for him not to direct proceedings but for them to be mutual, gentle, maybe tenderly exploratory. But it sounds as if the LW would want more than this.

Of course he has to do some work. Change his diet, see a urologist, see a psychiatrist. But it could be overwhelming if he feels it's all on him. He will get dispirited, and that's just not manly to her. My guess would be that the way they salvage the sexual relationship is by lifting such an awful burden of expectation off his dick.
@42. UndeadAyn. I think there's also loving the person you're with so much that the sex is better than it would be with anyone else--however good or bad it might seem objectively to an observer.

That's never the case in the letters we read in the column--but maybe they're instances where something has gone wrong?
I know folks mentioned using a strap on...but one toy that may work better in this instance is one that fits over the penis. It gives a sensation to the reciever that is Much closer to that of an actual cock, plus it feels good for the guy as well!
@46: "I think there's also loving the person you're with so much that the sex is better than it would be with anyone else--however good or bad it might seem objectively to an observer."

As you suggest, these people aren't writing in for intolerably bad sex, and aren't complaining at all.

So why even bring them up? It's a little confusing :p
one of the best things I ever found to help with my PE was recommended by my Urologist. He gave me a sample of Promescent and told me to apply it 10 mins before penetration which wasn't bad, gave us extra time for foreplay. now I order it online, its been a game changer
@39: You're not an outlier at all - that's a strongly normative view. It's also a view that is based much less on constraints of material reality and much more on internalized cultural ideas about how sex should be, and a view that leaves a lot of people frustrated (unnecessarily so, in my view). While you can't snap your fingers and magically think otherwise, working to re-socialize that viewpoint might be beneficial to people like you and presumably the LW, though it's not any kind of ethical mandate, either. And, of course, nobody is obligated to stay in a relationship that isn't working to try to make that attempt, but if it's really the only issue and there are a lot of other good reasons to stay, reprogramming one's views can help.