Savage Love Letter of the Day: Different Strokes


Dan, don't be such a pedant. Change with the times. Cum is a word. Get used to it.
@1 I've got to disagree with you. Accepting these alternate spellings only leads to silly people sending messages like "I want you to cum over and..." This is only slightly less silly than those Craigslist postings wherein the author capitalizes every 'T' to signify the desire to pharmaceutically enhance their interaction. Both are sophomoric and indicate that the person probably isn't worth talking to, let alone fucking.
LW: In addition to Mr Savage's excellent advice, you might also want to spend some time on other parts of your body. I suspect that humping the floor stimulated only your dick and neglected everything else. Ignore your junk for a bit and spend time playing with your nipples, rubbing your balls, fingering your butthole (it's OK, straight guys like that too), anything that you find erotically pleasurable. Concentrate on how that feels. Kinda like solo foreplay.
People are always making up words and altering spellings and more. I'm not sure why but I think it makes them feel hip or something.

No matter what you do or say, they won't stop doing it. Not a battle you want to fight.
Has dick retraining ever worked? I mean, has anyone ever heard back from someone told to go retrain their dick? Does anyone here in the comment section have personal stories or information on retraining their dick?
You should use a different toy, a flashlight-like one that opens up and allows you to stimulate yourself with as well as finish the job. You can squeeze it around the tip, move down slowly, whatever works for you. Also try using it while sitting with a pillow between your legs and place a small vibrator to stimulate your testicles ("Bols" if I may suggest...) You may need both hands to squeeze this toy and also move it up and down while in full mast.

Don't get the one with the too many pointy inner spots, use lots of lube, and be aware that all this lube and end result may cause a bit of a mess. It wouldn't hurt to place a towel on the pillow, have some paper towels within reach, and making sure the bath tub is available to wash the device right after.
Put me down for Team Come-is-the-verb/cum-is-the-noun.
Though there are so many good synonyms for semen that I generally avoid the noun form.
@2 a good read for language police and anyone they are policing is Origins of the Specious: Myths and Misconceptions of the English Language by Patricia O'Connor and Stewart Kellerman.…

Humping the floor while flaccid? WTF? Am I missing something here? And the dude writes like a 3rd grader.
I adore Dan's fervent defense of "come," although I recognize it is probably hopeless. Do not go gentle!

But I require some clarification from the penis-havers re: this LW's question. I've seen guys ejaculate from a flaccid dick due to prostate stimulation, but having an orgasm via flaccid dick stimulation is news to me. Is LW talking ejaculate, internal sense of relief, what?
Dick conversion therapy. Tsk.
@7 "Put me down for Team Come-is-the-verb/cum-is-the-noun."

Me too.
My late husband invented masturbation on his own, as billions of boys have, and what he came up with (at around 12) was to stand in a doorway and smack his dick against the door frame (the door opening, not the door) until he came.

I knew him a couple of years before he finally showed me this, and yes, that's how he did it.

He had no problems coming in more ordinary ways during standard sex, too. But on his own, he'd head for the doorway.
SophieX @ 11
While I can’t claim any expertise in “flooring” my guess is that while laying on a flat surface LW is stimulating bols and dik alike, which can lead to a happy end.

ECarpenter @ 14
No dooring experience either, but as you rightfully pointed out there are many ways to kick off that life-long masturbation career.
I admit to using clothing items while starting my very own journey. It took me some time to transition to “hands only,” and later to partnered sex.
A female friend around my age- 50’s- told me she still likes humping sofas arms rests every now and then.

@5: I retrained. As an adolescent, my m.o. was similar to LW's: lying face down on the bed humping a pillow (no touching with my hands). When I realized this didn't work as a way to have the kind of sex I wanted that involved other people, I stopped. It took a while, but the retraining worked (I remember coming by my hand for the first time during a long shower in my early 20s). Very glad for how this got better.
CMD@15 – "bols and dik"? Wat meen yoo?
@14 - Soooo, he basically took 'beating your meat' just a step too far? But I guess if it got results...
Ahhh, jumping on the "alternate spelling" bandwagon?
Agree with @10...busting a nut with a softie AND that atrocious spelling?
Definitely makes me wonder about people sometimes.
@10 & @20 You're both so judgy - shut up. People masturbate in all kinds of different ways it doesn't mean they're wrong or weird.
My husband retrained himself twice. He used to have a slight prematurity issue, then gave himself a mild case of death grip syndrome to (over)compensate. A brief period of "vagina or bust" and we have reached a happy median.
@7: That is my rule too. Come is a verb, came and have come are the past tenses. Cumed does not exist in any vocabulary. I was wondering if English was this LW's first language.

However, I really liked the excellent example of Muphry's Law that Dan fell into: "Movie on..."
Fred @8: My favourite is spooge. It's great because it's gender-neutral. All sexual fluids are called "spooge" in my vernacular.
There used to be an online support group for this specific problem, I think it was called (can't check now as I am at work).
@21: It'd be nice if they lived in a society where they were informed that touching themselves was okay (just not in public...) I really have to wonder how many of these scenarios were brought about by the need to look for ways to stimulate hands-free.

Pillow humping at least seems a more "natural" discovery, less trying to ruleslawyer around parental decree.

I imagine learning to retrain sensation is quite difficult, but so long as the penis slammed into the doorjam set keeps masturbating that way they're going to have issues adjusting to partners.
DonnyKlicious @ 19
How about "poetic license?"
Try masturbating with a boner on the mattress instead of your floor.

Seriously. It might be just soft enough so you could get off with a boner. I've done it and sometimes it's nice.
@5, @11: I didn't have this same humping-the-floor configuration, but I also settled on some weird masturbation method as a kid where I had to be soft, and I would ejaculate. I didn't come while hard till I was 28. The retraining, which included some relapses, was... two years? Three? So that would be my one addition to Dan's advice: it could take even longer than a year.

Reading this letter was intense for me, since I now mostly forget this was ever an issue I had, and it's shocking when I'm suddenly reminded of it and realize it was such a large chunk of my life. Overcoming it used to seem like the most impossible goal.

@20: I understand how you feel, in that I also wonder about people, when I read pointlessly obnoxious posts like yours and @10.
How da fuck you get off without having a boner? I've been blessed to never have a wet dream, but I frequently wake up hard; even in my sleep my body can get itself ready for sex, I guess. I cannot imagine getting off while flaccid.

Also, Dan, "cum" is a word. It's just as much a word as any other word, which is to say: They're all (100% of them!) made up! if people use it regularly enough - and 100% of english-speakers over the age of 18 recognize this word - then it's a word.
@32 - you beat me to it. How is that even possible? To reach orgasm, you have to me sexually excited, right? Exactly how does a man who can achieve an erection - the LW says he can - become aroused without his dick getting hard? Does it happen in some other dimension?

P.S. I'm with Dan on this one: it's 'come', not 'cum', even though in the sexual meaning it takes a different prepositional phrase as a predicate. Sex will do that to you.
*BE sexually excited, not 'me'. Gah, I hate that this commenting software won't let you edit.
Hey @31 and others reporting from their past, thanks, I imagine it could be a lifesaver to someone in this now.

And the people being dicks need to retrain themselves to get their internet rocks off without being pointlessly nasty.
Mtn. Beaver @ 35
Quoting @ 33, “You beat me to it.” It’s one thing to say, “It’s not my thing” or ,“I don’t get it” and move on. “How da fuck” and “How is that even possible?” don’t belong in this thread.

And speaking of language, how about using a gender-neutral expression like “assholes” (see the scent thread) instead of “dicks?”

@32, 33: This is the very first site of a ton that showed up when I typed in "can you ejaculate without being hard." Yes, it's possible. Paraplegics do it all the time, to name just one group.

Waking up hard doesn't mean you're thinking of anything sexual; it's just a response to hormone levels rising during the sleep cycle. This is the first thing that popped up when I googled "Why do men wake up with hard ons?"

For what it's worth, I wake up wet every morning, but I'm not necessarily in the mood for sex when I wake up every morning (but if I were to start having sex, my body would be "ready" to have it).
As far as "cum" vs. "come," and "cumed" vs. "have come," "came," or even "have cum" (shudder), I am ordinarily and in almost all other things, a champion for the changing nature of English and I typically am not pedantic, but I admit that there is something icky about "cum" vs. "come" for me, though I have resigned myself to the distinction of "cum" being the noun. There's something 1970s-sticky-sex-shop-booth's-floor-wha-wha-synthesizer-fake-nails-y about "cum" to me and it kind of makes my skin crawl to see it. But that's my own issue (and, it seems, Dan's, too).

But dude. The past tense can not be "cumed."

1) The past tense of "to come" is not "comed" (or even "commed"); it's "came." It's not "he comed;" it's "he came" (either to the dinner party or in his pants). I came 20 times yesterday; not I commed 20 times yesterday.
2) Even if you used the heinous construction, you'd need to spell it with two "m"s: "cummed." Otherwise it would rhyme with "roomed," or "fumed." Even neologisms have to adhere to the conventions of standardized spelling and pronunciation.
Did you guys never climb rope at school? That'll get you off quick, no erection required.
I've seen plenty of videos of cocks locked up in chastity that ejaculate easily enough without getting hard. In fact, it's one of my things, so I seek it out rather often. Yes, there's other stimulation going on there, but still. You don't have to be stiff in order to come.

And I'm totally with you @38, Nocute. I can't even bring myself to type out 'come' with that alternate spelling. There's something about it that squicks me out. I have no earthly idea why.
SL @32
How da fuck you get off without having a boner? [...] I cannot imagine getting off while flaccid.

LT @33
How is that even possible? To reach orgasm, you have to me sexually excited, right? Exactly how does a man who can achieve an erection - the LW says he can - become aroused without his dick getting hard?

In my case it often happens if sex goes on for a long time. At first I am aroused and get hard; then the erection dwindles but the arousal doesn't. I reach orgasm without getting really hard again.
Too bad, because an orgasm with a hard dick feels better than one with a flaccid or half flaccid dick.
Probably just an age thing (early fifties).
nocute @38: This post is one of the reasons I love you.
@42: (Blushing) Aw, gee, thanks, ciods. I love you and all your posts, too.
Sometimes if I've been turned on for a long time without masturbating or depriving my self of orgasm, when I decide to get it over with and am in a hurry to do so, I can get off before I even get hard. It doesn't happen often, but it has happened quite a few times.