I'm a 29-year-old straight woman, I'm faced with a dilemma, and I'd love your take on the situation. A guy wants to get back together with me, but... well, I should first give some backstory.

I dated this guy about a year ago, and in many ways he was exactly the guy I was looking for. The main hitch was sexual. Our sex was good, but he had a fetish where he wanted me to sleep with other guys (with or without him being there, whether secretly or openly). Basically, he gets off on a girl being a "slut." He was also into threesomes or swapping with another couple. I experimented around with all of that for a few months, and in a way I had fun with it, but I finally had an epiphany and realized that this lifestyle is not for me. Being honest with myself, what I want is more of a traditional, monogamous relationship. I broke it off with him, but we stayed on friendly terms.

Here's the issue: We have reconnected recently, and he wants to get back together. He says that he wants to be with me, even if it means a more traditional sex life. I'm interested, but I'm suspicious. If he decides to forego his fetish in order to be with me, can he ever feel truly fulfilled with our sex life? I don't want to be with someone who I can't completely satisfy. That's a turn-off for me, and it also seems like too much of a sacrifice to expect from someone long-term. I worry that down the road, he might change his mind and try to convince me to experiment with non-monogamy again, which would make me feel pressured. I'm looking for someone to settle down with, and I'm scared to waste more time on this guy, even though in many (nonsexual) ways he's a great fit. Do you think it's possible for us to be happy together in a traditional arrangement when deep down he wants more?

Interested Despite Kink

Every partnered person on earth is with "someone [they] can't completely satisfy." No one person can be all things to another person—sexually or in any other way. Settling down always requires some settling for, no one gets everything they want, etc.

This guy gets off when girls—his girl in particular—are "sluts," IDK. That doesn't mean he can't/won't/doesn't get off when you're not being slutty. (In this situation, "being slutty" refers to you sleeping with other people, which is only subjectively slutty.) He likes it when you're a slut, but I bet he also likes it when you ___, ___, or ___. (I don't know your sex life. Fill in the blanks.) Are you focusing too much on one of the things he's into (you fucking other people) and not enough on all the other things he's into? Things like ___, ___, and ___? If those other things are enough for him to have a great sex life with you without getting to enjoy this particular kink, maybe that means he really likes you... and that's a good thing, right?

In other words, IDK: If giving up his hotwife/cuckold fantasies is the price of admission he's willing to pay to be with you, maybe you should let him pay that price. If being with someone who fantasizes about sexual scenarios you would rather not participate in (and may be fantasizing about them while you're having other kinds of sex) is the price of admission you're willing to pay to be with him, maybe you can pay that price. Another maybe: Are there accommodations that could allow him to have his fetish/fantasies without having to stifle them and you to have your monogamous commitment? No fucking other guys, but sometimes sharing stories of past exploits? Or making up dirty stories you can share while you're fucking?

Again, IDK: No one person can be all things to another person, no matter how kinky or vanilla or slutty they are. Kinky people sometimes place a few of their kinks on the shelf for years, decades, or all their lives because they love their partner but their partner doesn't love their proclivity for ball-busting/piss-pigging/latex-masking/whatever-evering. And, yes, sometimes people say they're willing to let go of their kinks and then change their minds and pressure their partners to participate in them years or decades later—often when it's much harder for the non-kinky partner to end things, i.e. after marrying, buying a house, having kids, etc., which renders the pressure both coercive and corrosive. Another thing that sometimes happens: people who never thought they'd be into X and married someone with the understanding that X was forever off the table suddenly find themselves curious about X and wanting to give X a try years or decades later. Who we are and what we want at 39 or 49 can look very different than who we were and what we wanted at 29.

All that said, IDK, I couldn't help but wonder something while reading your letter. Do you want to be with this guy? Do you want to be with someone who likes threesomes and couple swapping and his girlfriend being a slut? He may be able to shelve those interests, but are you able to put aside your dislike for them? Will it bother you to know that he sometimes masturbates about this kink and/or fantasizes about it when you two are fucking? Will you live in fear of him bringing it up again? Can you let him have this fantasy—and enjoy it, as a fantasy—or will you obsess about it and, by attempting to police or censor his inner erotic life, create a lot of conflict and suspicion? He's willing to accept you, you said. Okay. Have you spent some time contemplating whether you are willing to accept him? If you haven't, you should.

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