So the correct pronoun is 'them'?

LW, what a beautiful family you are. Moving away is the last option, first up you've got to educate your villiage.
Go talk with the school's head for starters, in a villiage, this person has some power. Get them on board, if they don't understand, then educate.
Chat with other mothers you know, just casual and accepting and informative. Read and join online support groups for parents of trans children.
Talk to people in your villiage at every opportunity, and educate them. Your family is part of that community, accepted and loved for all the great ways I'm sure such a loving family contributes, and don't be defensive, just matter of fact.
Are you close enough to a bigger town where meetings go on? If yes, then plan regular trips so you and your child can go to them.

Aw, I'm tearing up. Thanks, Dan.

A couple of years back, Nature (one of the world's top academic journals and the most cited scientific journal) published a piece refuting the idea that gender is binary. It's worth reading:

https://www.nature.com/news/sex-redefine…

I very much appreciate that the parents and grandparents are supportive. However, and maybe it's just my backwards views here (please correct me if I'm wrong), but I'm having real trouble with 7 years old and knows she's a girl. At 46 I'm still not fully certain of my identity and I'm pretty sure I barely knew I was human at 7.

I'm picking up the sense that the LW is downright *proud* to have a trans kid. Perhaps it's an affirmation of the rightness of their progressive world views. I see it as kind of a variant of I want my kid to be a doctor but instead it's some form of non-conforming (queer, trans, whatever).

My advice to the LW would be to not stifle the kid's identity but find ways to let the kid explore without having to put them out there for ridicule by strangers. Girls wear pants, too. Boys can have long hair, etc. Give the kid space to learn *ON THEIR OWN*, without the parents projecting on them while also subjecting the kid to the least emotional trauma.

So, for those better educated on this subject am I wrong? Can someone really know their gender identity at 7?

@5, MonkeyFetish, I didn't take that view from the letter. I read how this woman is ready to take on all comers in the protection of her child.
Yes at seven years old the child still has a ways to go before puberty and big decisions would need to be made.
Girls can get away with butch clothes much easier than boys wearing dresses.
I don't read the LW wants to push anything, she is loving her child and asking for guidance.

This raises a few questions for me, and I'm sure I shall be vilified. But, is the child not in school? Many UK schools require uniforms.

How long have they lived in the small town? I've lived in small UK towns, and once an oddity in clothing or actions is known, most adults don't whisper about it because it's old gossip. (And they probably wouldn't be gossiping about the child, but Mama Bear.)
At 7, most children are aware when their clothing choices are not the same as their friends'. So why is the child "confused" when others comment on clothing?

Bullying can be deadly, but before Mama Bear gets her hackles full-up, she should check out the attitude at school and among the teachers. It might be more supportive than she expects.

@5 Some knows when very young, and some realize it when puberty starts. No loving parent want tgeir kids to have a difficult life to be "cool"!

@ 5 - You're wrong.

Yes, young trans* kids often do start identifying themselves early. From the American Academy of Pediatrics:

"Research suggest that children who are persistent, consistent, and insistent about their gender identity are the ones who are most likely to become transgender adults...

If your teenager has identified as a different gender since early childhood, it is unlikely he or she will change his or her mind. A 12-year-old male who has consistently asserted, "I am a girl," since the age of three*, will most likely remain transgender throughout life."

*emphasis added

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/…

Again, great advice from Dan. This guy! :o) ... I usually add when I want to quibble with his advice or he really pisses me off -- 'cuz you fight with the ones you love.

This person -- however he / she / they may come to identify himself / herself / themselves -- really knocked the ball out of the park with the parents. Truly, the fact that the parent is even asking these kinds of questions means that the kid is in a good spot compared to most other kids.

My nephew is normatively gendered, but different, like I was different. He sometimes gets picked on (okay, a lot) -- for a while, I wanted to beat the piss out of those kids.... but following Dan's advice works best. Beating the shit out of those kids is a lot less effective than making sure the picked-on kid knows how worthwhile he/she/they is....

@5 - Seven sounds like a reasonable age to have settled on gender identity to me.

I knew from my earliest memories that I was NOT a girly girl. I was (and am) what is called butch in lesbians, and a 'tomboy' among children. I would roll in dirt on purpose to ruin dresses and pretty outfits my mother put on me. I would pull and tear the lace. I would rip off flowers and bows and decorations. I would pick at any sores, hoping they would scar and make me look mean and tough. My earliest memories are of kindergarten and first grade.

I was born female. I grew up to be a heterosexual female. I have never wanted to be male (aside from wanting the benefits males get). I am frequently mistaken as male. I have a short, male haircut, don't wear make-up, have a plain face, athletic build, and B-cup breasts that are usually flattened in a sports bra. This is how I want to look. And I knew absolutely how I wanted to look and the kind of person I wanted to be before I was seven.

Sounds like the transgender issue is not the issue; it's how to model dealing with conflict.
I got a lot out of "How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable". It has specific examples of dealing with child-related bigotry in front of said child. A very interesting and practical look at verbal violence and language that can defuse it.

Kudos to Dan for including this admonition:

not to confuse innocent glances or non-malicious inquisitive glances for dirty ones

Once the shields are up, it is easy to believe the worst about those around us. People are generally nicer than we give them credit for.

I don't have any helpful suggestions, I'm just sending love and support to you and Sweetie. Hang in there, MAMA. Parenting is a long and difficult project, but worth the effort. Sweetie is lucky to have a mama like you.

Kudos to Dan for reminding people that bullying can be a life-or-death issue.

A nephew of mine grew up fascinated with princesses, unicorns and the like. He dressed as princesses for Hall'o'weens. He wanted to be a princess. His parents never discouraged his princess interest or treated it as anything weird. Now as a 15 year-old he pumps iron, hikes trails, hunts with a bow, talks about pretty girls, and follows his older brother everywhere. Doesn't mention princesses at all any more, and doesn't like Broadway show tunes. Point is that childhood interests do not necessarily predict what type of adult a person will become. Adult gender structures do not seem to apply so rigorously to children who have no need for them.

There are lots of great books for gender non-conforming kids, although some of their names escape me right now. Sweetie's mom should ask the Internet. Sweetie's mom should also see about visiting the class to do a dress-up story hour/read-aloud of some of those books. Bring lots of fun costumes, encourage kids to wear whatever they like, etc, read the books to the kids.

Great advice Dan. If the family do decide to move, I suggest not letting the older children know it is in regards to the bullying of the younger sibling.
Don't underestimate bullying. Teachers can be just as vicious as pupils.

I live in a small British town.
My neighbor's child was born female but has always felt male, and now is 10 and has change his name to a male name and identifies/dresses male. He is fully supported by all his family.
We are lucky that our school has taken a very hard stance. They accept him and will tolerate bullying. The kids at the school are aware of this. It's not perfect but the child is happy and supported.
I can't imagine how hard it must be to feel alone and bullied. Luckily the LW is a good person and wants to be supportive. I've seen firsthand how being supportive can help so please, please keep this up.

Some times confronting the bullies may backfire and increase hostility towards the child. And don’t feel obligated to stay where you are, hoping you will “educate” your neighbors.
If it doesn’t work, please move elsewhere ASAP. In 20 years your offspring will ask you why you didn’t.

As for children figuring out who they are, I’d say trust them to know best. Things may shift, or not, and come back.
Or not.
Also, be aware that nowadays there is more awareness and room for expression for ordinary folks who are some place on the non-binary scale.

Gender is generally accepted as being realised before 4, from a developmetal standpoint.

To the writer of the letter: Facebook has a few pretty great, supportive communities that might be of interest to you. Some parents arem't coming from as educated a place as you are, but there is always an outpouring of love and support for the unique challenges of parenting a nonconforming kid in a frequently hostile environment.

Search "parenting transgender kids" on fbook. :)

CMD@20, why do you put down the notion of trying to educate the villagers? Depending on how big it is, people can be very interdependent in a villiage.
A lot of bigotry comes from ignorance of the situation. The other night on the bogan football show, one of the dicks called Caitlyn Jenner " it",
and all hell has broken loose. Calls for him to be sacked etc. these moments educate people that something in their cultural landscape is shifting.
Yes, some people will never find the compassion and do some research and get it, some might. That transgender people exist would be no surprise to anyone in the western world, because they have become more accepted by more people and are more visible. A trans woman was recently the cover model for Paris Vogue.
This family will be right there to front anyone who causes trouble. The child is old enough to know about mean kids and mean adults, and all parents( grandparents) need to check in often with the child and see how the world is treating them.
Moving is such an uprooting, and when you're talking a biggish family, that's not an easy ask. If it became untenable for the child, then the whole group would see the wisdom of leaving.

On the podcast "One Bad Mother", one of the moms is dealing with this. Her very young son (four at the time) is now a daughter. The mom's attitude is a good one, I think - she's not worrying about whether this is "just a phase", or is lifelong, because her kid needs love and support and protection now, so that's what she's getting. At this young age, even if the whole thing disappears in a year, there is no harm done in supporting the kid's choices, and if the child truly is transgender, which is certainly very possible, well, it's never too early to establish a supportive foundation.

The mom put a lot of effort into talking to the school, and reaching out to other parents in the community. this isn't something most people are very familiar with, so of course they are going to be curious, and the way to deal with curiosity is to try to satisfy it, not to get defensive about it.

I'd really recommend looking up the episode of the podcast where the mom discusses how she talked to school and other parents - it's about six months ago. And note I said "episode" - the issue is not brought up every week, or at all, really.... it's just that now, when referring to her kids, the one who used to be called Simon is now called Grace - she's still the same little kid when the issue is trying new foods, or messy room, or fighting with her brother, or any other childhood thing.

I'm not transgender (I'm quite happy with my cis parts) but I am definitely on the non-binary spectrum. I consider myself androgynous. My memories of confusion and frustration over what I wanted, compared to what society expected from children of my assigned-at-birth gender, date back to about age five. I just want to reinforce what many others have said here, based on my personal experience. If parents raise their non-conforming child with unconditional love and acceptance, without making a big deal out of any gender-bending behaviors, the kid will grow up feeling safe and confident enough to understand that bullying reflects the bully's own personal problems, not anything to do with them. I always knew that no matter what I did or didn't do, no matter how much my life diverged from what theirs had been or what they had hoped for me, whether I became wildly successful or totally screwed up, my parents would always love me for being myself and would be there for me when I needed them. (Thanks, Mom and Dad.)

I somewhat agree with CMD @20 that going full-out Mama Bear could actually backfire and increase Sweetie's difficulties. It could make the kid a more conspicuous target, both for school bullies and for gossipy adults in their small community. Also, if LW goes into warrior-champion mode whenever she feels Sweetie's identity is being mocked or challenged, Sweetie may never be able develop the self-defense skills and deconfliction techniques that are important for all kids to have, especially the sensitive, non-assertive kids who are the bullies' favorite prey. In my opinion, it's better to acquire that skill set early in life rather than later. Even if Sweetie's current experimentation with androgyny turns out to be just a temporary phase, LW should consider stepping back and watching to see how her kid handles peer pressure and name-calling without her assistance. As long as she keeps the communication lines open with this child, and pours on the love and acceptance as she has been doing thus far, LW will still be able to monitor the bullying activity (if any) and step in to help if she can see that things are getting too dangerous or traumatic for Sweetie to handle on their own.

Lava @ 22
Yes, should have phrased it differently.
I’m not putting down the value and importance of educating the population re trans and nonbinarism.
What I was trying to say is that adults should not fight their own wars on the back of their children. If this education process takes five years or so then those years will be devastating for the child as a teenager despite the possible success of shifting minds in the village.

And speaking of…
Somersetgal @ 19 highlights a phenomenon that is often common in most cultures around the world: no doubt female-born turning male have their challenges, yet it is often the other way around that is more ridiculed and prone to violent attacks.

I think the reasons are that MTF’s of any variety are seen more threat to men in general, not to mention those who find trans women attractive but are revolted by their own feelings.
Another issue is the perception by some of a male-born voluntarily shedding their male privileges. By doing so they come across worthless who deserve to be humiliated.

Lava @ 22 revisited
Telling your neighbors, "We're leaving because you are hateful assholes for no reason. I will not tolerate you bullying my child and no other parent will," can also help them put things in perspective and make them deal better with a future similar situation.