Given today's parenting norms, moms of young children often don't have the time or emotional availability to maintain the relationship they're in, let alone start a new one. I think it's unlikely LW will be ready to meet her "long-term life partner" until her kid is in elementary school at the earliest. She might benefit by setting her expectations accordingly.

@3

Parenting sounds like it sucks.

I was on the dating scene recently and dated plenty of single moms. Lots of guys are fine with it.

The odd issue I had was single moms who didn't want to date me because I didn't have kids of my own ("my kids won't have anyone to play with! we won't have parenting in common!") yet complained that single dads didn't pay enough attention to them ("he's too busy with his kids! I'm afraid he'll favor his own kids over mine!").
Not all single moms were like that, but I did run into several who were. I basically told them that maybe they weren't ready to date yet.

Don't set out to meet a long-term partner, just get out and meet some people—see what you've really got the time and energy for and take it from there.

MOM, I agree with your suspicion that most single men who do not have children are not going to be interested in meeting a woman with a child, so Dan is right to focus you on the many men who have children themselves and are either divorced or widowers. And he is right to get you focused on getting out of your house and doing things that are going to put you in a position to meet men. As for what to say in an online dating profile? Be honest and up front about being a mom and the amount of time you have to date and/or spend with a partner, but keep the profile about you and your interests, and not about your child.

@1 - I am very much childless - can't stand the lil buggers. But calling a three year-old kid 'baggage' seems a bit harsh, don't you think?

Why will her child one day break her heart? Not necessarily true. My one child is entering 8th grade and although I do get nostalgic for the younger years I'm proud to see her becoming such an awesome individual. Anyway, to the letter writer, it happened for me. I met a great guy when my daughter was 3, and I did it the way Dan is describing, just being out in the world, not online. You trust your gut, go slow before any introductions to your daughter etc. I know there are plenty of men who wouldn't see your child as baggage, but an added plus. Good guys too. Don't be so pessimistic, it will happen for you! good luck.

A 3-year old is like any other aspect of your personality. Some people will be OK with it, some won't. Put it up front in your online profiles...this is one of those things that there is little wiggle room on. It's not like "she likes anchovies...but I can live with that." You're 40, not 22, so men in your age range are going to be very familiar with potential partners who have kids. I'm betting most (like me at that age) have made peace with the concept or not. It will be fairly black and white. Vet potential partners carefully. Don't bring them home or introduce them to your child until you are absolutely SURE about their trustworthiness and long-term potential. There is nothing worse for a young child than bonding with your "date" and then having them disappear from their life when you decide he wasn't Mr. Right after all. Dan's advice is sound. Get out and do stuff! Enrich your life whether you find a partner or not. Check your community education opportunities. Take a swing or ballroom dance class...there are usually singles looking for partners, and even if not, hey! You get to learn how to dance and that always comes in handy!

(My own modified comment from last week.)

Try an "old school" method of meeting someone at a dance or interest group or while volunteering for a political candidate. Take a class. Join a liberal religious group. Ask partnered people to introduce you to eligible men. Don't have sex until the 4th date. Before that point, do your googling/investigating/asking around to make sure he's not involved with someone/lying to you/has a police record. Don't have sex until you've seen where he lives, where he works, and met at least one of his friends. Be choosy, not desperate either for company or sex. Be more interesting/smarter/better read. Know what you want and communicate that in an online profile. I mean, you know you want a good man, a life partner for yourself & and a father for your child, but what else?

Expand your definition of a good man to someone who might not be your ideal type. Consider someone who's an inch shorter or a bit out of shape. Consider someone who's not making oodles of money but supports himself and likes what he does. Consider someone with his own "baggage", maybe older children or even someone taking care of elderly parents.

Question for the commentariat? How common is it for predators to seek unmarried women with 3 year old daughters? Is the Humbert Humbert thing really something to be afraid of? I can see that it's terrible if it happens. I just wonder if it's one of those things that's so horrible it gets conflated in people's minds with being common. I ask because I was about to advise MO2M not to worry about that, but I really don't know.

A quick google search tells me that Parents Without Partners is still around. I hadn't thought about that group for years.

Can you schedule a babysitter at a regular time so you can go out? Do that. When at the chatting getting-to-know-you stage with a new acquaintance, mention your kid conversationally in a joyful, non-complaining way. Just talk about fun things you like to do with her and what she's like. Put the information out there from the start so men can step aside if your daughter is a deal-breaker for them, but it's likely she won't be.

I've known several men, including my brother, who happily got involved with single women raising children, married them, and were good fathers to all the kids and devoted husbands to their wives. So the comments that this cannot happen are just false.

The percentage of single men who want to get involved with a woman raising children is small, but our population is so huge that the actual number of men looking for women like you is large. In the past, it was really difficult to find each other - but now, with dating apps, it's much easier.

The main thing on a dating app is to be completely up front about who you are, who you're looking for, how important your child is to you, etc. You'll only attract the men who want a woman like you if you tell them who you are.

And yes, go to coffee in a public place first, feel comfortable saying "I don't think we're a good match" if that's what you think, and feel comfortable about hearing the same from your date if it's not working for him; he's not the only man out there. Tell a friend or relative who you're meeting and where, and let your date know you've told a friend or relative who you're meeting and where. You obviously need to protect yourself and your child, and no man who understands that will object to your being cautious. At the very least, you'll have some adventures, and at best you'll find yourself in a good relationship. Good luck!

I dated a single mother for several years and there were some really awesome aspects of the situation. I was (and still am) unsure if I want children of my own, however having a child being a part of my life was awesome. I got in after the really messy period (the child was also three when I started dating their mother) and had a lot of fun bonding with the child while still enjoying the the time off when the child was with their father.

When discussing what you being a parent means for your perspective long-term romantic partners, don't frame the issue as something that will be a burden for them so much as an awesome lower-impact opportunity for them to have a child in their life.

"No one looks at a mom and thinks flirt with her."

Not true? I think the bigger problem is that the more respectful people wouldn't know the single aspect.

Look on the bright side, LW. You don't have to waste your time on people like @1.

@9 Your kid will break your heart. I broke my mom's heart when I got sick. Life happens and when it happens to your kid you feel devastated.

Donny @10, no, why wait till the LW knows he's the 'one' and then introduce him to her child. He might behave appallingly around a child.
I agree, be careful not to let your child attach to each date/ lover. If she feels things are getting serious for both of them, not he's the one, then she could slowly get he and her child to meet and hang out. Find out how he is around the child before deciding on anything permanent.

@16: you need to be so offensive because? And you were once three. Depending on the child, three can be a beautiful age.

Lava @ 18 - See his avatar? I can clearly picture that little bird being crushed to death a second after the photo was taken.

Some people are just like that. But generally, at one point life crushes them back.

The one thing everyone forgets to remind "dating single mothers" is that you don't have to introduce your kid to your date. For a very long time, like a year. You could create a profile stating your parent status then later as you get closer to someone, if they express interest in meeting your child, you can say, "I have a very strict rule about that" Then see if they are still interested in seeing you while respecting boundaries. Sure it's inconvenient because all the dates will have to end at his house, or a hotel room, or her house if the kids at a sleepover and babysitters have to be arranged. As a person who has lived through watching mom's boyfriends come and go, I can tell you, you are for sure saving your kid some heartache.

Good god. Is this really a dilemma? There are multiple online dating sites for single parents. Even Match.com has filters for single parents looking for other single parents.

Plus, once your kid is in school, you'll meet lots of other busybody parents who would just love to set you up with McKynna's or Cody's nice single dad.

"Question for the commentariat? How common is it for predators to seek unmarried women with 3 year old daughters? Is the Humbert Humbert thing really something to be afraid of? I can see that it's terrible if it happens. I just wonder if it's one of those things that's so horrible it gets conflated in people's minds with being common. I ask because I was about to advise MO2M not to worry about that, but I really don't know."

This also stood out to me. Predators out for your money aren't horribly rare. (From what I've seen, older women are the most popular marks nowadays.) But for a variety of reasons, predators who scour dating sites hoping to hit single moms happen about as often as people passing out poisoned halloween candy. In other words, it doesn't.

I am a little leery at the fact that LW is a newly single mom. Freshly divorced/widowed people tend to be so used to being part of a couple, it takes some time to rediscover themselves instead of still seeing themselves as half of a unit. And tend to expect too much of the prospective other half of a new unit way too soon. So I'd recommend either putting off the search until she has better established herself as her own person, or at most finding a tinder fuckbuddy to scratch her itch while she does other stuff to establish herself as her own person. (Frankly, the best resource for single parents is other parents. Even if - especially if - they're not dating prospects.) But that's about rediscovering one's sense of self after a long relationship has broken up, not about dating while you have a kid.

I think Dan might want to mine some of these for his reader follow-up day. Not that there was anything wrong with his answer, but people have given a lot more nuance to it.

Be open to dating non-American men. Sorry to endorse a stereotype, but in my personal experience of being a single mom on the dating scene (albeit many years ago), I found that men from various other cultures were far more open to dating mothers than American men were. Ultimately, I married a man from one of those cultures, who turned out to be a fabulous step-parent to my daughter, and a fabulous bio-parent to our two subsequent daughters.

I did not even tell my 6 yo daughter when I first started dating. I told her when I got serious about one dude - a single dad. A bit less than half a year after I first met him, we met each other's kids. Sleepovers happened once everyone felt comfortable with it. It was an incremental process.

And to add my two cents to the question about how
Common it is for predators to seek it women with chikdren.... well, I can't speak to percentages, but my own mom (unknowingly) dated and married a man who abused my younger sister (she was five) and tried to abuse me (I was old enough to defend myself). I don't doubt that he sought her out because she was the mom of young girls. But, as I said, I have no way of knowing how common or uncommon this is. Only know that it happened to us.

I was in a similar position 20+ years ago. What worked for me was to abandon the idea of meeting a potential relationship/father figure for my child, because I didn't really want that for myself. I reasoned that I didn't want to pick a guy for his fatherliness when I personally found that trait boring and I didn't want to be stuck with "boring father" type the rest of my life. So my situation was a little different but I would encourage LW to think about what she wants beyond providing an extra parent for her child. For me, keeping my "dating" life completely separate from my family life worked pretty well. When my daughter was very small, I noticed she had a tendency to attach quickly to any guy I was seeing, then she'd be questioning "where is x guy" when I stopped seeing him. So much easier to keep it all separate.
As for predatory pedophiles... It happened frequently while chatting online that I would begin to get an uneasy vibe from a fellow's interest after I mentioned having a young daughter. My method was to stop conversing with that person immediately. However it happened so often that I suspect it is not an uncommon strategy. Probably in real life also. The "tell" was that the guy would be suddenly more interested or want me to talk more about her. It would be an easy trap to fall into because some of these guys could pass for "I'm a child-loving family-man type" and that might be more attractive to a mother than the "who me change a diaper?" Type. For my purposes, I'd rather be with a man who didn't like children...since he was unlikely to ever meet mine...or with one whose children were grown and had no interest in wading into parenting again.
I remember once chatting with a fellow who was surprised at my reticence and told me about another woman friend of his who actively used her daughter to attract dates. He showed me her profile and pics...I figured out what town she lived in and reported her to the local authorities. Don't know what ever came of it but it looked to me like she was actively pimping out her kid by making them a package deal.
so, yes, get out there and meet people, but downplay the parenting thing and lower expectations. If you're like me and can't afford paying a sitter plus paying to go out plus missing all that time with kiddo (e.g. Going out on a work night would mean barely seeing the kid that day at all), then put it all off till kid is old enough for sleepovers or summer camp or even staying home on her own (about age 14) don't know if your kid has an active father herself but shared custody or regular visits to the grands can also be your friend.
Beware of men who show a high degree of interest in your daughter and don't introduce them until you've known him a good long time, if ever. And think about what you really want...if that long term involved relationship with one guy is what you want, your strategies will be different from mine. But if an occasional hookup will satisfy, it is so much easier, in time, money, emotional energy, and decreased risk to your child.

Lava@17 ~ "He might behave appallingly around a child..." I never said you have to know he's "the one" I said you should be "...absolutely SURE about (his) trustworthiness and long-term potential..." He doesn't have to meet your children for you to have discussions about how comfortable he is around kids in general, what his attitude towards kids (especially your kids) are, and especially what he views his role in this relationship would be with your kids if it gets serious. Odds of him "behaving appallingly" are slim, unless you are a terrible judge of character. It's never too soon to be modeling good dating behavior for your children, and in my book that means no casual sex within their sphere, unless that's behavior you want them to emulate... "Mom fucks random guys she hardly knows all the time so it's gotta be OK for me to do the same when I'm twelve!" Think that's a stretch? It's not. When it's age-appropriate, have a discussion about the difference between "dating" and a "committed relationship". There's nothing wrong with introducing my date "Bob" to the kids when he picks you up, but hold off on the "family" activities 'til you're sure. Kids bond fast, and don't understand why "Bob" has suddenly abandoned them if you decide the relationship has to end. Be aware that they've already lost Dad and "family" (to a certain extent) to your divorce, so they'll be more sensitive to another "significant grown-up" departing. You don't want this to become a theme in their lives.

And adding to what Squidgie@27 said, beware of any man who guilts or pressures you to let him meet your kid(s) before you're absolutely ready.

"No one looks at a mom and thinks flirt with her." Really? Because I still remember this one time the mother of an infant asked to share a table with me while I was eating lunch in a park. She had a kid of about six months with her and a ring. But, she was really hot and the kid was cute and the ring really didn't scream "wedding ring" and she was friendly and nice to chat with and was great and loving with her kid and, although maybe not exactly my usual type, really, really hot, partly because she was such a great mom.

If I weren't so happily married, I'd still regret not having asked her if there was any tiny chance that, despite all the signs to the contrary, she might be single. (When I say "if I weren't so happily married" I'm telling the truth about my marriage, but lying about still not wishing I'd asked.)

And I have also flirted with other mothers of young kids. So, yeah, it happens.

For increasing your competency (you are already probably pretty damn competent!) at protecting yourself and your daughter from predators, especially those who may become close to your family, I recommend Gavin de Becker's book "Protecting the Gift." This is a companion book to the famous "Gift of Fear" that deals specifically with keeping kids safe from both stranger and intimate danger. His advice, like Dan's, boils down to "trust your gut." However, parenting and dating are fraught separately and together, and sometimes it's hard to accurately hear what your gut is saying. Bonus: It also includes solid methods for assessing common dangers and preventing the conditions that can result in public snatching and kidnappings. These books are a great practical resource for learning to interpret and respond to your instincts more accurately and effectively, and a great way of supplementing the lessons your daughter is learning from you about protecting herself.

I guess MOM has never heard of the term MILF.

@11 Unfortunately this definately happens. I'm glad it's on the Law's radar.

The number one selling book right now is....”The End of Men.”

Why does this woman feel that she needs to find a “forever man?”

I am sick of the Fairy Tale that we women need a man! We don’t.

Have fun! Have a LOT of sex! Get a college degree. Learn to play tennis! Read! Improve yourself..but NOT to meet the “man of your dreams!”

Enjoy your child. Do great things together. Fly to India with your child and walk through the bazars! Go to Paris--Paris is FUN for kids--REALLY! Men are simply NOT the see all be all!

Sorry Dan--we gals REALLY love you--but you’re in a committed relationship and we don’t even WANT a committed relationship--we want FREEDOM!

@34 I agree with the sentiment I guess but this comment sounds wildly out of touch.
"Are you newly single? Likely adjusting financially to a single income? Have so little time and personal space you can't even poop in solitude? Sounds like a great time to take that elaborate vacation you've been dreaming about!"

And as an aside, I truly hope people still flirt with moms because I have a 6 month old and I still have a lot of flirting left to do, goddamnit.

Fichu, I think that's great advice for meeting people, usually. But a single parent of a toddler will not have time to do most of those things, particularly if she is also working. Didn't know Parents without Partners existed. As for predators targeting parents, I don't have the slightest idea, but I'll add that this is the reason a lot of single mothers wish to date men with kids. They figure that if the man has kids too, he's more likely to be interested in other parents for reasons that have nothing to do with predatory behavior. Since most predators are people the victim knows, including family members, I don't know if this makes any sense. Your extra screening advice makes sense.

Re: flirting with single mother- I don't think the fact that you are a mother prevents people from flirting with you. But it is true that if you are out and about with young children, men are far less likely to approach you (when the kids are around). Generally, I think this is respectful behavior as when I was out with young children, I did not want the additional hassle of unwanted attention, and I (generally again) believe that we should limit cold-approach flirting to times when it is socially appropriate. Plus I think a lot of people still naturally assume that if you are with a young child, you are in an LTR. But I can see how this would be inconvenient for a lonely single mom who doesn't have much time away by herself. Dating and/or relationships (or doing just about anything) with a three year old is hard. So I can see what the LW is saying here.

Re: The End of Men- that book is not about women no longer "needing" a man. It's about the end of men dominating different aspects of society and the rise of women in many areas where they've historically been unrepresented. I listened to an interview with Rosin recently, and she pointed out that she didn't come up with the title but that she also couldn't think of an alternative. You might be perfectly well aware of this, but I just wanted to point this out to other people reading this thread. I agree that women do not "need" men, but if you are a straight woman, you will naturally want men in your life to have sex with, and if you are a human, you will naturally desire intimacy and companionship. I'm tired of this "you go, girl, you don't need a man!" nonsense because I think it sometimes emphasizes loneliness and casual fleeting encounters dressed up as independence. I agree the opposite- a kind of dependency- is also unhealthy, but it's totally normal- in fact as Dan says, it's as old as the human species- to want to have long term intimacy, physical and otherwise, with others.

Squidgie, your experience sounds horrifying. Glad you were careful. I wonder if this is the norm online? I'd assume that most people dating in their 40s have kids already, right?

MOM, you're newly single, horny, and have a 3-year-old who is rightly the most important person in your life. Have you been raised to think a "long-term life partner" can be your only potential source of regular sex? Put that aside for now. Enjoy your child and your freedom. Date casually -- by which I mean get a fuck-buddy, or two. If you're not looking for an LTR you'll find a lot fewer men who are put off by your being a parent. Go to his place for sex, that way you won't need to involve your kid. (You will need to involve your babysitter.) Good luck!

MOM, fellow single mom here. I agree with others who have suggested not limiting your search to Mr.LTR. Some FBW type of dating will hopefully boost your confidence, help you deal with the logistics of it (find the right baby sitter, understand how frequently you can afford to go out, even update your "what I look for in a man" file a bit) while you're not screwing up anything LTR. Also, it will help you ease back into relationships and sex life, cause hey, with a 3yo, the one who's not willing to dedicate 100% time and energies to a new relationship might end up being YOU. Sending a hug.

also why does the URL say dating advice for a cougar LOL change it guys