Savage Love Letter of the Day: Her GF Had Great Sex With An AirBnB Host and Still Talks with Him Online and Might Hang Out With Him Again

Comments

1
"(Does this happen a lot with AirBnB hosts and hot house guests?)"

If he runs a pseudo-spa and travels in festival circuits, probably.
3
You sound like a commonsense woman and should tell your monogamous friend to be monogamous or hit the road.

(Of course maybe "monogamous" has a brand-new meaning in this brave new world of SJW word salad. Or you could adjust the word to mean "monogamous except when I want to get laid by somebody else".)
4
Beer happens plenty (and so do drugs) at festivals. And unfortunately, lots of people use them as an excuse to justify after the fact certain acts that they already wanted/planned to do before their intoxicants of choice entered the picture.

Ask the tough questions, LW. And never believe the "I got so drunk..." line.
5
@ 3 What does this have to do with SJWs? Please explain.
6
consenting adults should be able to sleep with other consenting adults without being judged, persecuted, trashed in reviews, sent to prison, burned at the stake

Indeed. Perhaps you've heard that the Seattle Police Department just arrested 204 men for seeking the services of a sex worker, slapping them with crime of "sexual exploitation", a misleading label that makes them unemployable despite the fact that it's only a misdemeanor.

Is this something the Stranger is going to cover?
7
Basically, not only is she probably going to fuck this dude

She's going to hide it (badly)

Then declaim any responsibility (we'd been drinking and it all just 'happened')

Then eventually blame you and your suspicion for driving you into his arms (because you made her feel awkward and like she couldn't tell you everything).

Lock it in.
8
Also of note is the "When I told her that it was bothering me, she responded by (justifiably) saying that she was never going to let somebody else come between and her friendships and/or tell her whom she can and cannot see"

along with

"My girlfriend told me that despite the strong connection that she felt with him, the fact that they lived far apart prevented her from pursuing anything further"

Even if she's not staying at his place, was there an explicit discussion of her intentions in seeing him? "YOU CANT TELL ME WHO I CAN SEE" sounds a disproportionate response to someone's interest/concern about all these variables. I wonder exactly what was exchanged between the partners, what may have been left out.
9
@5: You know exactly what these idiots mean.
10
@5: Clear generalized slur against younger-and-overall-less-hatefully-tribalist people. I can't believe we didn't get a "snowflake" or reference to participation trophies in there. Though I also assume you're pretending to be iverly credulous for rhetorical effect. :-)
11
Er, should be "overly".
12
"Why have a knock-dog, drag-out argument with my new girlfriend about sex I might not wind up having?"

I thought the expression was "knock-down drag-out?"

Anyway, I think the letter writer is right to be worried. At best, they have different ideas about monogamy and at worst, her girlfriend is already putting herself into a position to potentially cheat if she already knows her idea of monogamy does not align with the letter writer's.
13
Have you both explicitly agreed that your relationship is monogamous? If yes, does she still want to be monogamous? Does she consider one night stands in distant states to be a sufficient threat to a primary relationship that she would consider them a serious violation of monogamy?

Yeah, your girlfriend is open to having sex with the guy again. Personally that’s the kind of thing I have a hard time worrying about. Never did. It’s far away. Not a threat. Not worth worrying about.

I wonder if you’re brooding over this because your girlfriend seems less excited about you than she did just a few months ago and you’re poring over everything you know about her looking for clues as to what’s going on with her.

If she’s not that into you any more, it’s not about the AirBnB host she had sex with once last year. It’s about the two of you, and you need to look at that.
14
AIRBNB, I don't think you're girlfriend has really come clean about her feelings for this guy or her intentions toward him on this trip. Your intuition is telling you she is going to have sex with him and I think you need to make your feelings about probability that clear.

@13/Alison Cummings: Given expectations of monogamy, suggesting that AIRBNB has limited grounds for complaint because she didn't negotiate exclusivity in the context of a long term relationship seems wrong. As does suggesting that she shouldn't be bothered by out-of-state cheating. As does, suggesting the real issue is AIRBNB sensing that her girlfriend is less excited about her, not her girlfriend's disingenuous behavior.
15
LW, why dont you go to the festival with your gf.
It's red flag to me because your gf has already said what a strong connection she has with this guy and she would have tried to pursue it, except for the distance. This is her fantasy. He's probably many fucks later and forgotten who she is. Her commitment to you and the relationship is what seems sketchy.
16
To #6
You link to a story about 204 men being arrested for paying for sex workers and you THINK THESE ARE CONSENTING ADULTS???

“Members of the Seattle Police Department’s Vice & High Risk Victims Unit arrested 204 men during the 10-day operation that began July 5, netting more than $22,000 in cash — money the men handed over expecting to be sexually serviced by a handful of undercover female officers, or UCs.”

“High Risk Victims” I am REALLY tired of men and some misogynistic women thinking that sex workers are consenting adults! What part of the sex slave trade do you NOT understand?

"The Department of Homeland Security defines human trafficking as a “modern-day form of slavery involving the illegal trade of people for exploitation or commercial gain.” In 2012, the International Labor Organization estimated that there are 20.9 million human trafficking victims worldwide. According to the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime, sexual exploitation is the most commonly identified form ahead of forced labor.”

Nearly 21 million sex slaves. In Iraq when my daughter was there as a combat physician, the civilian contract workers used to keep 12 and 13 y/o Iraqi girls locked up for sex. No wonder ISIS wants all Westerners to die!

I volunteer for DHS in Hawai’i and care for both pre-pubescent girls and boys who have been “rescued” from the slave trade. One 11 year old girl died of internal injuries so many guys raped her in one afternoon. $5 each.

There is NO ONE who actually cares for these sex workers who think this is a “victimless crime.” I’ve done so much suturing, splinting and casting broken limbs, ribs from “johns.” That I’m sorry it’s just a “misdemeanor.” I wish I could shoot these guys.
17
AIRBNB,

At the risk of repeating what others have said, the reason for your insecurities is your GFs very clear plans to travel across the country just to fuck this guy. She said that the fact that they lived far apart prevented her from pursuing anything further with him and now she's planning to travel to his town and visit him. If the guy has any interest at all in fucking her again, she'll fuck him.

Reduce your future insecurity and preserve your self-esteem: DTMFA before, not after, she cheats on you with this guy, which she is totally going to do.

Dan,
You're gay, so maybe you sometimes forget the physical power imbalance that almost always exists in the world of the straights. An Airbnb host who cruises his female guests for potential mates is likely to be perceived as doing exactly that. Given that he is almost certainly stronger than all of his female guests and has the keys to the rooms where they sleep and they do not have the keys to the rooms where he sleeps, there is a power imbalance there and an imposition of fear of rape that isn't really the coolest thing for an Airbnb host to do. Yeah, he's probably no rapist, so he totally knows that he wouldn't do that and that they're wrong to fear that, but they don't know whether he's a rapist and probably would prefer that he'd maintained a professional demeanor rather than making sure that they knew that he wants to fuck them when they already know that he can get into their room any time and could probably physically overpower them if he wanted to.

I guess it's possible that AIRBNB's GF was the sole initiator and basically started pulling his pants off when he was trying to give her the key, but I suspect that the reality is that he flirts with all attractive single guests in the hopes of finding ones who are interested. Unless he's incredibly smooth and non-threatening and also completely hot, I suspect he has the bad reviews to prove it.
18
JH @ 10 - I am not pretending to be overly credulous for any effect. I merely want that commenter - you know, the one I actually asked, NOT everyone else who has an opinion - to try and answer my question so s/he will reveal how pathetic s/he is. Like when we used to egg on SeattleBlues (those were the days!).

I didn't think it would be that hard to figure out my intentions.
19
@16, You're reaching a conclusion about what these men thought they were paying for based on the name of the police squad that set up the sting, the "Vice & High Risk Victims Unit"? You focus on the "High Risk Victims Unit" part of that name to imagine sex slaves and ignore the word "vice" that has been applied to gay sex, straight sex that is not PIV, the use of certain drugs selected without any consideration of the relative harm of different drugs, and any number of other consensual behaviors that didn't accord with somebody's sense of morality.

And you think the article just neglected to mention that the undercover cops and UCs were pretending to be underage because, I mean, why would a newspaper bother to mention the most sensational aspect of its story?

Look, there is a lot of exploitation in the sex industry and many women join the trade when they are still girls and that sucks. But none of the Undercover officers in this sting were underage and it appears that they did not advertise their services as anything other than consensual adult sex workers. Let's not convict these guys of the attempted rape of child sex slaves based on your hunch, OK?

if you really believe that a significant fraction of the sex workers in the US are kidnapped or forced into the sex trade by anyone other than a controlling boyfriend, I've got a bridge to sell you.

Yeah, there is a lot of unpleasantness around the sex trade, but I don't think treating all of its customers as rapists and pedophiles and driving it ever deeper underground really promotes the openness and control that could help monitor the trade to protect those being pressured into acts that they would rather not engage in. Consensual sex workers write into this column from time to time. Do you want to tell them that they don't exist?

And, in case you were about to ask, no, I do not patronize sex workers.
20
This advice is for for LW girlfriend: Why are you ok making your girlfriend so uncomfortable just to spend time with some random travel fling? We've all had them. Sometimes the connection feels very intense in the moment, but by the time we get home it's just a blissful memory that makes us smile at boring staff meetings and such. To revisit them is asking for disappointment and to taint those memories. At best it will pale in comparison to the connection you remember, and at worst you will find that he is too busy "connecting deeply" with other guests to spend time with you. After all, of the connection was so deep why (if LW is correct) don't you guys really talk... I have had plenty of travel flings in my younger days, but the one with whom I really felt a connection, is one with whom I still have real conversations several times/week all of the years later, despite us both being happily attached. And we see eachother when we can. Does this dude even know you will be in town. Either get real with yourself and accept that this is just a fantasy to be kept in your own head, forget about dude, and stop stressing your girl out about shit that isn't real, or get real with your girlfriend and tell her that you would like to have a long distance lover that will not otherwise impede on your relationship. I gues to turn it into advice for LW, ask your girlfriend which of these it really is, and if it's fantasy land, tell her that you don't begrudge her having fantasies but making your relationship feel threatened isn't a healthy way to include you...She should reassure she is not really going to see (have sex with) this guy. It's fun to think about but she's moved on and she will no longer present it as a real possibility.
21
Tonight I think we'll role play "AirBnB host and guest."
22
"in a large southern town for a festival" I mean come on you might as well have just said she got south by southsexed
23
So, according to Dan, if an AirBnB host sleeps with his guest there's nothing sketchy about that, but on the other hand, if he hits on all his hot guests that would be extremely sketchy. I don't get it. Either hitting on a guest s sketchy or it isn't, and if it isn't, what does it matter how often it happens?

dcp123 @17 is much clearer about why hitting on AirBnB guests is sketchy.
24
She's willing to put her relationships with her 'friend' before you? No. No. No.
25
"she doesn't understand why it would bother me that she would state her desire to see him so matter-of-factly"

So you'd prefer it that she lied and saw him behind your back, thus showing that you couldn't trust her to be telling the truth when she said they hadn't had sex?

I am friends with people I met under sexual circumstances. I have seen friends I met under sexual circumstances while in a monogamous relationship, and remained monogamous. Situations like this is why the word "trust" was invented. This guy existed in your girlfriend's life before you did; she's more likely to fuck him if you've already condemned her for doing so. If you show her that you trust her enough to keep her commitment, she probably will.

Why does she want to see him? It's a festival, it's a long way out of town, she probably doesn't know many people there, and this guy is a local. She's agreed not to stay with him again, which I think shows more than enough good faith and respect for your relationship. Trust her.
26
Dan! Shame on you. Bisexuals know what "monogamy" means.

What I want to know is why AIRBNB isn't going to the festival with her girlfriend. Then she could meet Mr Connection, become friends with him too, and also ensure the girlfriend doesn't inadvertently end up in anyone else's pants due to beer and hormones.
27
The advice about bringing up whether the gf is planning on sex is right.
28
This girlfriend won't let anything come between her and her new relationship. I'd take this to mean she won't in principle let casual sex (with a man she maybe doesn't much like) at SBSW come between her and her girlfriend. But this is not how the LW sees their relationship proceeding.

In asking whether her gf is thinking of reigniting the flame with this guy, the LW should strive to be nonjudgmental. 'Many people see no moral or emotional difference between being strictly monogamous and being monogamish. It would be no big for them as a bisexual to have sex with someone of another gender than their partner in a context where it won't affect their main relationship. Maybe they're not wrong; I'm not judging those people. Are you one of them?'

Anyways, as @22 says, the gf is a walking cliché, pursuing a fantasy from many years back. And the LW is policing her feelings, rather than standing up for her values and saying 'no'?
29
@25/BiDanFan: "I am friends with people I met under sexual circumstances. I have seen friends I met under sexual circumstances while in a monogamous relationship, and remained monogamous." I think many of us have, but I still don't think it is possible to make a generalized principal from that fact. In the circumstances AIRBNB describes, there is reason to be skeptical about her girlfriend's trip, but we would might not express any skepticism if her girlfriend had met that guy six years ago, and had maintained a friendly relationship in the intervening years.
30
not good @ 3
Feel free to elaborate on your own experience, why and how monogamy works for you and so on.
Otherwise it looks like you’re one of those moralists trolling this thread and other Stranger’s posts, ever eager to be the first commentators.
A confessed conspiracy theorist I visualize some semi-bitter folks with a tiny bit too much time on their hands, always eager to tell others how they should live their lives while collecting unemployment from a government they abhor.

Dr.Helen @ 16
Not to minimize your experience or the undeniable horrific side of prostitution, yet this is not the entire picture.
31
@Dan
The first time the phrase "fuck his brains out" appears it's been 'struck out'; which makes NEITHER of the 2 options in that sentence the one you endorse in the following sentence.
32
@15 is right. Offer to go to the festival with her and meet this "friend." Say your schedule has opened up and you have time to go, would love to go, because it sounds like a lot of fun. You'll be able to tell much by her reaction. Is she instantly happy and excited you want to go, maybe starts talking about how she thinks you'll really like her friend, etc.? Or does she start making excuses, acting strangely defensive, or getting nervous? If it's the former, then you can put your mind at much more ease. If it's the latter, the two of you will really have to sit down and have a serious talk about the nature of your relationship and whether or not she still wants to be in it. Remember, you don't actually have to go the festival if you don't want to-- something could "come up" at work or whatever that keeps you from going. But simply raising the possibility of your going and gaging her reaction should tell you a whole, whole lot.
33
Harriet @28: This happened one year ago. "A couple of months before we met."

If AIRBNB says their relationship is a monogamous one, I'm assuming that's because at one point they had at least one conversation wherein they decided they would be monogamous. She says she trusts the girlfriend to not have sex with this guy. She just feels jealous that the girlfriend had a shared intimacy with someone else -- I'm guessing his gender probably has a lot to do with this. I suspect she's threatened by the fact that the girlfriend likes men in the first place. This is extremely common among lesbians -- and justifiably so, given that the huge majority of bi women end up paired up with men, for reasons I've discussed to death in this forum. (Yes, I'm projecting -- but no less so than the people who are guessing a self-described "monogamous" person hasn't even talked with her partner about what "monogamous" means.)
34
I don't think LW should try to go to the festival. There should be enough trust and clarity that one doesn't need to go traipsing across the country to verify.
@25,29 I agrees that people often transition from a romantic or sexual relationship to a platonic one. But I agree with 29, that it sounds like the only thing LW has heard about this guys is wistful what could have beens. If that is not the case and LW has also heard a years worth of other shit, but only acknowledges the early bit about the deep connection hookup, then I would say the LW is being unfair.
35
This line from AIRBNB was key for me: "...she doesn't understand why it would bother me that she would state her desire to see him so matter-of-factly." GF sees no moral problem with seeing a guy she has clicked with since first meeting him a year ago, in large part because it won't be a struggle for her to see him socially while staying sexually monogamous with AIRBNB. That's why she has been so open about her past relationship with him, and why she is bewildered that AIRBNB would take it so badly. My guess is that AIRBNB would have more difficulty resisting temptation around her own former lovers, possibly emotionally as well as physically, and therefore she thinks that GF is being inconsiderate and playing with fire by allowing herself to be alone with this guy again. A rough analogy would be the reformed alcoholic who requires the support of a 12-step program and total abstinence to stay on track, vs. one who is now able to have the occasional drink without relapsing. BDF @33 brings up a good point, the underlying gender-attraction issues in a lesbian-bi relationship may also be clouding the picture here.

If I were AIRBNB and feeling highly threatened by the situation (although IRL I tend to think along the same lines as GF), I'd say "Your friend sounds awesome! I can't wait to meet him myself, so let's both go to the convention." Or, if I had absolutely no interest in going to the event with her, I would suggest that GF invite him to our home before the convention so I could get to know him better. If he truly IS a great guy, and GF can demonstrate in front of AIRBNB that she can still be friendly and playful with exes while saving all her love for her partner, they will both get what they want and need.
36
@33 BiDanFan. The gf slept with his guy a year ago? OK, I've checked and you're right; this happened a year ago. I was misled by people talking about the travel flings of their own youth.

The key question for me still is, does the LW's gf have any idea of fucking this guy again? Would it be acceptable to her (the gf of eight months)? Would it sit with the idea she has of their currently headline-monogamous relationship? Does she think she should be allowed that much slack, given (in part) that she's bi? The only way for the LW to ascertain the answers is to ask her. There are two things the letter could, at bottom, be about: 1) the potential threat to the LW's relationship of her not seeing eye to eye with her partner on what fidelity means; or 2) the correctness, or otherwise, of the LW's feelings of possessiveness and jealousy about her gf hanging out with an attractive guy. The big deal is the first. And I would think that, at some level, the LW knows the first set of issues is in play. Yes, people care about their feelings; and many young people have a degree of righteousness and want to be correct in their feelings--but I'm not sure anyone could be so painfully conflicted that they're compelled to write in if they thought something was only a matter of their feelings (and maybe questionable behavior directed by her feelings). Well, maybe someone could be ... though this isn't how the letter was taken by Dan and many other readers...

Why has the gf spoken of the 'amazing connection' she had with her chance sexual partner? She could have been angling for permission to have sex with the guy again. Or the interpretation suggested (perhaps suggested) by you could be right; she might be underlining that she fucks men, and is not ashamed of the fact. This could be a non-absolutist political position for her, or she could have been highlighting that she hangs with straight/bi men socially. The interactions between the two women, for me, do not conjure a picture of the two being exactly always on the same page, or always open with each other. Better get everything out in the open.
37
Is it sketchy to hit on your AirBnb guests?

Are you actually asking whether female travelers might not be well-served by wondering if their AirBnb hosts are going to be the 20th man to hit on them today?

Read the first letter to get a sense of context here:

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_…

"The two most recent instances actually involved the owners of the small hotels I was staying at—one said it was “cool” with his pregnant partner if he and I had a relationship (so completely not my thing)—and I'm too uncomfortable to go back again. The other followed me back to my cabin on a prior visit. Both places are isolated, without cell coverage.
I want to enjoy my travel and not worry about creepy men. How do I best handle these situations? I work in tech and put up with this type of treatment day in, day out, and don't really want to spend my free time dealing with it too."
38
BDF @ 26 - "Bisexuals know what "monogamy" means."

And like people from every other orientation, some bisexuals aren't very good at it.

I've met quite a few bi men who justified their cheating with men on their female SO with the fact that she couldn't give them what men could. I wouldn't generalize that to all bisexuals, but let's not generalize that they're all decent, respectful individuals.
39
@37 thanks for laying it out.
40
Registered @23, Thanks.
BDF @25, And if you were LW's GF, she probably wouldn't be that worried. Heck, we're totally incompatible, but if you were my GF, I'd trust you. But everything LW wrote gives me a deep conviction that her GF is on her way to a fuck festival. And I only have what she wrote to go on, so I say DTMFA.
41
CMD @30, I didn't even notice that I was responding to Dr. Helen. If I had, I probably wouldn't have bothered. Has she ever posted anything that wasn't out of left field?

For those who have worried about her patients, I'll note that there is no evidence readily available that an MD of that name actually exists and, apparently, in another forum someone using that name identified as both a nurse practitioner and an MD.

I'm guessing what we really have here is a 400-pound dude writing from his mom's basement. Hawaii does have a history of very young girls being sexually active (I think the age of consent was 14 until fairly recently), but her stories of repeatedly stitching up child victims of the sex trade and girls being raped to death do reek a bit of some troubled guy's masturbatory fantasies.
42
@BDF in 28 — I believe you misread the letter. The quote was "she was never going to let somebody else come between and her friendships and/or tell her whom she can and cannot see." Meaning, "she was never going to let her new girlfriend to come between her and her friends, and tell her whom she can and cannot see." If she had said what you thought she said (i.e. she would never going to let anything to come between her and her new girlfriend) that would be a great reassurance. But it wasn't. Rather, it was a veiled threat (e.g. if you don't like me seeing my friends you are the one who must go).

We all need reassurance sometimes, and it is important to feel ok with being insecure to a degree. Nobody should be too afraid to talk to their partner about their insecurities.
43
"I'm a 30-year-old lesbian in a monogamous eight-month relationship with a queer woman (she dates both men and women)."

First, I've always thought "queer" was in reference to MM, FF. So, now "bi" is also "queer"?

Second, while it could have been an edit by Dan, why the hell not just say "...eight-month relationship with a bi woman"?
44
Peyton @43, for people who are trans, androgynous, or non-binary in their own gender, classifying one's sexual relationships as MM/FF/MF can be extremely complicated and ambiguous. Identifying as "queer" is simpler and more accurate, and it encompasses a wide range of human variation in both gender and sexual preferences. "Bi" is not directly synonymous with "queer," and neither (since around the turn of the 21st century) are "gay" and "lesbian," although in recent years LGBTQ groups have reclaimed the term as a sort of Big Tent organizing principle for anyone who isn't completely straight and cis-gender. If you're not sure what to call a friend or co-worker, just ask them to tell you the label they use for themselves.
45
Beesting @34: To clarify, I don't think AIRBNB should go to the festival *just* to chaperone her girlfriend. I think she should go to the festival because this is clearly something Ms AIRBNB enjoys very much, and partners should share interests, right? AIRBNB might find she has a great time.

Capricornius @35: Insightful as always. AIRBNB says she doesn't think the girlfriend will cheat; that she thinks it's perfectly reasonable for the girlfriend to say "I won't let a partner tell me who I can and can't be friends with." So what's the problem? The girlfriend has made a different choice with respect to an old flame than she herself would have made. AIRBNB needs to accept that her girlfriend is a separate human being who will, at some point, make decisions that are different to the ones she herself would have made. She won't be able to sustain any relationship if she can't accept that this will happen on occasion.

Harriet @36: "Why has the gf spoken of the 'amazing connection' she had with her chance sexual partner?"

Good point; it wasn't particularly tactful of the girlfriend to rave about how awesome this guy is, then say she is going to meet up with him whether AIRBNB likes it or not. That certainly had a hand in putting her in the bind they are in now.

But I still reject the assumption that bi people might think that "monogamy" is gender specific. No no no. If a bi person wants permission to date/shag people of the other gender, they need to discuss that, and every single one of us knows that. Whether, as Ricardo says, they can honour that commitment or not. AIRBNB already said that if the girlfriend did cheat, she'd dump her, so I think they both know that fucking the guy would be cheating and a dumpable offence. "Gee, I didn't know monogamy meant I couldn't have cock either" would be laughable if the girlfriend even tried it.

DCP @40: Funny, because I can see having this exact discussion with a partner, from the girlfriend's perspective. (If I hadn't invited my girlfriend to the festival, the only reason would have been knowing that she couldn't or wouldn't want to come. If I were planning on repeating my fling, I would have explicitly asked permission. The girlfriend strikes me as someone who's completely honest about her intentions, so I think she'd have done the same.)

Kunsagi @42: See my reply to Cap @35. That's exactly how I read the letter. And I completely agree. If I got a new partner who tried to dictate who I could and couldn't (openly and platonically) spend time with, that person would indeed be out on their ass. And AIRBNB said she agrees as well. I don't think she should be "afraid" to talk to AIRBNB; she spoke to AIRBNB, AIRBNB reassured her; she now has to either trust her, or find some tangible reason she doesn't, and break up.

Peyton @43: Yes. Anyone not straight and cisgender falls under the umbrella term "queer." (Bi people who are closeted might be an exception; "queer" is a political identity rather than simply a sexual one.)
46
@45. BiDanFan. If the gf knows that cheating would be a dumpable offence, then the relationship's ground rules are clear and everything's out in the open. But said gf might think that the LW _knowing_ she fucked this guy only is the dumpable offence. Their conversations on the topic so far might not have conducted to honesty--so why not take a few steps back, try not to be judgmental and start again?

From the extremely judicious and self-knowing language of the letter, I can't see the LW attesting an 'amazing connection' with a past (female) lover. Yes--'I liked her a lot'; 'she and I got on very well in that regard'; 'we had some good times'--all things that wouldn't make a new lover feel pressured or insecure. But not 'an amazing connection'. My guess would be that in this relationship the gf is 'hotter' and the LW 'smarter' or 'wiser'. And possibly older?
47
Harriet @46, seriously?
If this girlfriend is such a sociopath that she thinks cheating is only wrong if she gets caught, then there's nothing to discuss here.
We can all take whatever flights of fancy we want in making improbable guesses or we can go by what's in letters and what normal people do. We have no reason to think that the girlfriend is a sociopath. Therefore I think there's close to a 100% chance that she knows the girlfriend would not be okay with her fucking this guy -- if she's not okay with her staying at his place, it should be pretty obvious that she's not OK with her having sex with him.
AIRBNB doesn't mention her girlfriend's past female lovers because none of the past female lovers are the issue here, and no one needs a full autobiography to analyse one situation.
Has everyone gone mad here? Is "we're in a monogamous relationship" really a confusing statement to everyone but me?
48
@47: "If this girlfriend is such a sociopath that she thinks cheating is only wrong if she gets caught, then there's nothing to discuss here.
We can all take whatever flights of fancy we want in making improbable guesses or we can go by what's in letters and what normal people do. We have no reason to think that the girlfriend is a sociopath. Therefore I think there's close to a 100% chance that she knows the girlfriend would not be okay with her fucking this guy -- if she's not okay with her staying at his place, it should be pretty obvious that she's not OK with her having sex with him."

You don't have to be a full-fledged sociopath to make harmful decisions that you know are wrong going in.
49
That said there's really not a definitive idea of what's going on with the girlfriend, their exchange is selectively documented and sure it's possible that her partying up with someone she slept with at a party hostel and still has feelings for (?) may indeed be chaste in execution.

Still doesn't seem like the greatest idea, but the level of trust present and deserving is a bit ambiguous.
50
What I'm wondering is how many people here have been to a festival. We might have very different ideas of what "meeting up with someone you met at a festival" entails.
51
BDF @45 " Funny, because I can see having this exact discussion with a partner, from the girlfriend's perspective. (If I hadn't invited my girlfriend to the festival, the only reason would have been knowing that she couldn't or wouldn't want to come. If I were planning on repeating my fling, I would have explicitly asked permission. The girlfriend strikes me as someone who's completely honest about her intentions, so I think she'd have done the same.)"

Then @47 "We can all take whatever flights of fancy we want in making improbable guesses or we can go by what's in letters and what normal people do. We have no reason to think that the girlfriend is a sociopath."

BDF - I understand why you're being defensive about the issue, but you are also taking "flights of fancy" by assuming that all bi people are as morally upright as you. The gf could have been completely matter of fact about seeing the guy BECAUSE she feels entitled and plans to keep it to herself and she's completely comfortable lying about it.
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@47. BiDanFan. I think an ordinary conversation between the two people in this relationship would go: 'I'd rather you didn't hang out at SBSW with that guy you had sex with'. 'Why, are you afraid I'll have sex with him again? Because I'm committed to you'. But the gf had a chance to say that (and still has) and instead came up with something like: 'I won't allow you or anyone else to dictate who I can and can't see'. The LW hasn't been able to see a way to back down from this confrontation and still ask her partner whether she, the gf, retains the desire to fuck her festival buddy.

I don't necessarily think that going behind her partner's back for extramural sex is 'psychotic'. The gf (the LW this time) won't know about it. It would upset 'her' to know; and the two people's handles on sexual ethics may be incompatible. Does it threaten the main 'monogamous' relationship? No, it's potentially a random hookup in a distant city. Can the cheating partner separate the hookup from the rest of her feelings towards her lover? Not see her with pity, derision or contempt after playing away? That's a much more difficult question. Only the LW's gf knows the answer. Unless she's more explicit about her fears, the LW risks cuting herself off from what her partner's really thinking and forcing her into the arms of a maybe sleazy, opportunistic guy.