This week in the world: Russia collusion. That horrifying NRA ad was debated over CNN. Net Neutrality Day of Action happened. People are sending ITMFA lapel pins to Congress. And why won't Amazon stop advertising on Breitbart?
This week from letter-writers: Guys who are perfect (except for their damn libidos), 100% straight guys who also who sit on dick, and "Help! Someone on Chatroulette has my dick pics!" Also, last week's Savage Love and Savage Lovecast.
I had my say. Now my readers get theirs....
In response to DICKS:
It’s a bit hypocritical of you to write in one paragraph that women get to identify as ‘straight’ even though they have sex with other women occasionally, yet in your final paragraph you single out that all straight-identified guys who sleep with or have slept with other men as "stretching to saying they’re all truthing." That’s a glaring double standard Dan and coming from you it’s gender-biased and not cool. Maybe every one, regardless of orientation who has sex with some one of the same gender is "not truthing"? Why should this apply to only ‘straight-identified’ guys?
The “all” in that sentence is there for a reason. Specifically, it's there to mean that some/many/most of these guys could be telling the truth. When I say it’s a stretch to think they’re ALL telling the truth, I'm allowing for the possibility/probability that some/many/
most are telling the truth when they pull the dicks out of their mouths long enough to say they're straight.
In response to TOUCH:
I'm a bi cis woman who, a few years ago, was in a relationship just like TOUCH describes—sweet man, wonderful in many ways, and a libido that became nonexistent about a year into our relationship. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep because I felt so undesired and unfulfilled. We tried everything—blood tests for hormone levels, couples therapists, sex therapists, exercise, communication workshops. Eventually, I called the relationship off, and found partners who could meet my level of desire for sex. It was like crawling out of a desert. When I look back at those years, I can hardly believe I used to live there.
It wasn't until months after our relationship ended that this man leveled with me, over dinner, about a porn habit he had that consumed every last piece of his libido. I was shocked. We *lived* together. I was a present and observant partner. How had I not known? I want to be clear—I'm a porn-positive person, and would have gladly engaged in watching with him if I'd been asked. Obviously, he didn't want me to know, and therein lies the problem.
You state in your response that you aren't going to tell TOUCH to DTMFA, but... I will. I'd bet there are pieces here that aren't coming to light, and that they aren't going to resolve themselves. If I could write this letter to my younger self (which I suppose is exactly what I'm trying to do) I'd say: get out. Get out now, go find yourself a lover (or several) to remind yourself that you deserve so much more than this. And you can have it.
In response to IDK:
I was surprised that you were so quick to tell IDK that her ex could be able to give up his cuckhold/swapping fantasies for her! Yes, we all compromise and shelve some fantasies as the price of admission... but it sounds like this would be a pretty big fantasy for this guy to shelve. Is he REALLY willing to give it up so easily to get back together with the letter writer because he loves her so much? Or is he just, as I think many straight men with this kink often are, afraid of being alone because he thinks he will never find a woman who is willing to share his kink? I am speaking as a woman who is happily married to a man with similar kinks, which we enjoy indulging together! But I know my husband spent many conflicted years trying to force himself to be vanilla and monogamous because he thought he would never find a woman who could accept or embrace his kinks. The letter writer's ex should try to seek out women who share his kinks before he forces himself to settle for a relationship that he is likely to find himself unhappy and unfulfilled in later! I am surprised that after all the "10 years after we got married my spouse admitted that they don't want to be monogamous..." letters you've gotten, you would encourage a woman who tried non-monogamy and didn't like it to go back to her partner just because he claims he can bottle up those desires now! You know that's not how it works!
Regarding a call on a recent podcast from a gay man whose husband recently and suddenly died (Savage Lovecast Episode 558):
After listening to your question and the conversation with Dan, I found you and your actions quite inspiring. You have taken some very significant steps to regain control of your own life.
I am a 39-year-old gay man living in Melbourne, Australia. Just over four years ago, my boyfriend died in a fatal car accident on his way home from interstate to Melbourne. My life have evidently turned upside down. I feared I would never recover from that. But looking back, I am proud to say I was wrong.
We met in the summer of 2012, our feelings for each other grew stronger as we spent more time together. He was kind, gentle, strong, confident, full of energy and passionate for life. Not only I felt safe, secure and so at ease with him, and for the first time, I saw a future with this fine young man, one I know it’d be very special. Then the tragedy stuck. It left a big gaping hole in my heart that seems impossible to heal.
But, things get better. I can assure you that it’s entirely possible to live your life to the full as a healthy sexual human being totally guilt free. Through my very own experience, I am proud to say my life is not perfect but can still be fabulous.
There are 4 things I found helpful to me during my time of grieving:
Don’t restrict myself as a one-dimension person.
It’s easy to label myself as a widower at the beginning, but eventually I didn’t let it define me. Apart from being a widower, I am also a reader, photographer, home cook, son, brother, uncle, friend, colleague, IT technician, coffee drinker, library card holder, aquatic centre member, immigrant, lover, law-abiding citizen, etc. I am more multi-faceted than I like to admit. And so are you.
Time is the secret ingredient.
The first 6 months after the accident was the hardest. I had almost zero libido. There had been some self-care relief purely for maintenance purpose, but other than that my body has shut down sexually for the longest time I can remember. Gradually, my drive and desire return and I took that as a positive response from my body. I cherish it. I can’t fight the loss with an unhealthy body and mind.
Focus on the progress, not distraction
Take part in, continue on or create yourself some mini projects that you can work on. Any project you can get your hands on would be just fine. I would generally avoid long-term ones. Successfully complete an artwork for example can boost my confidence and give me sense of achievement. It can be both tangible and intangible, as long as you know you would enjoy the process. We all know instant gratification won’t last and often leave us feeling empty afterward.
Stop ignoring the hidden gain after losing someone.
The tragedy makes me appreciate everything I have more than ever. I am more grateful for my health, my mental health, family and friends. I now say good-byes a little longer and hug them like I mean it.
I am so glad you put yourself out there again. I know it’s a right decision because I made the same one for myself too. I am out there again like yourself. Who knows, one day I might meet someone worthy of my love again. You can become the person you want to be if you allow yourself to step out of this dark cloud one step at a time. Love is always worth the risk.
A comment from Twitter about the podcast:
We love hearing from people about old columns and podcasts—particularly when the original letter writer or caller gives us an update...
Two years ago I asked you for advice (Savage Lovecast Episode 475) and you included our conversation in your podcast. My question was how to have gang bangs, which I love, in a safely manner. You gave me great advice and I followed it. (You also told me I am a unicorn and made me feel super special and great). Following your advice, I found my favorite way of doing my GBs safely: I searched on Fetlife for groups of guys who had already done gang bangs together. I chose thise who were experienced in gang bangs and confident fucking among other men. I favored those who had done it together, because that meant they already trusted each other and had talked about their dos and don'ts and soft and hard limits. I would first talk with at least one of them on the phone, discard anyone who didn't sound sane and fun and generous and understanding, and set my rules clearly. Condom use mandatory, weed smoking optional for them but they should be fine with me smoking, three hole slut available for DP, TP, bukkake ending and most things okay except blood, pee and shit. No pain involved, only pleasure. And I would leave after the party, no staying over. I met wonderful groups of guys and I kept seeing and fucking the groups of guys with whom chemistry was great. I danced for them in my lingerie at the rhythm of good music and I loved seducing them and making them hard and crave for me so they would go crazy and fuck me for hours. Such good times!! I became friends with some of them and we did vanilla things, like lunch and camping. I met a few guys who are great hosts that I trust immensely so I would just call them and ask them to set up a gang bang for me that weekend. All I had to do was show up in my lingerie and I a group of young, fit and pussy-hungry slutty men would greet me, admire me, attend my little sexy deducing show, and fuck me hard. They treated me as a queen. Everybody was respectful and fun. I felt sexier than ever before (I am 47) and I have been having the best sex ever.
And then something unexpected happened.
One day of September 2016, a guy wrote on Fet for the third time offering me to setup a gangbang for me. A sculpture of a man, 30 years old, black skin, beautiful thick lips, the muscles of a boxer (he actually trains boxing), and the sweetest voice on the phone. He set up a gang bang for me in a hotel and it was incredibly good. My chemistry with him was amazing. And for the first time ever, I stayed over that night after the gb was over. We slept together and he took me to breakfast. When he dropped me off at home around 1 pm, he said: "I want to see you again tonight." "Oh, I would love to, but I have an orgy at a friend's!" "Invite me!" It has been a great ride from there on.
Now, July 2017, he moved in with me. We have two or three MFMs per week and the occasional gang bang or bukkake party whenever I ask for one. I feel safe in his presence, as he looks intimidating with those boxer muscles, although I know he is the sweetest and most peaceful man. He is heteroflexible and we have some friends for our MFMs who are, too. I find those MFMs liberating, where there is no issue having dick in my pussy and/orass and my guy sucking my clit, and no problem if a guy suddenly comes and his cum falls part on my ass cheeks and part on my man's face... he doesn't seek it, but if it happens it's fine, so we all do whatever we want without worries. I love when I am sucking dick and my guy kisses my face and watches two inches away while he fucks me. This is the best sex ever. I love him dearly and I am in complete disbelief that I am actually living with a guy 17 years younger who loves me and cherishes me and that we can have such amazing sex together. Of course there are some challenges. Last week he felt jealous after an MFM. When our guest left and we were hugging and falling asleep, he just said "Fiona, I felt jealous tonight." I responded "they are just sex. You are the love of my life," and he fell asleep in between my breasts.
I am writing to you, Dan, without a question or need for advice. I am writing this letter because I heard you say that, for obvious reasons, society only learns about failed stories of open relationships or group sex. The successful stories are lived in secret. I think we kinksters need to get out of the closet, so the world knows we can be happy and find love, being who we are. So I have been telling my friends and even some coworkers I trust what the true story of this love is. I work in a very progressive NGO so it's easier for me than for others, and I take advantage of that to fight towards acceptance of our community of kinksters and against discrimination.
Thank you for your great advice and for your existence, Dan. You make the world a better place.