I am a gay male. I have been with my partner for 3.5 years. We are both in our late twenties. We have lived together for the past two years and I have always imagined we will get married. My boyfriend is an egalitarian vanilla versatile/bottom in the sense that he likes standard stuff, expects reciprocation when he pleasures me, and prefers to bottom (he finds it physically more pleasurable). I have always primarily derived pleasure from sex from the power dynamics. When I think about sex, I tend to think about one partner being in control/dominating the other. I have tended to think of myself in the dominant role.
I mostly fantasize about being with sexually submissive guys who derive pleasure from pleasing me. In general, this means I think about guys who are entirely focused upon making me come and doing what I desire, and are not interested in coming themselves. I fantasize about being with a guy who likes to give blowjobs without reciprocation. I like the idea of never having to see/touch my partner's dick, or with putting my partner in chastity. I think about being with a guy lies there during anal, letting me do what I like to them e.g. choking, spanking, ass-to-mouth.
My partner and I traditionally had standard top/bottom sex i.e. I rim him, he suck me, I penetrate him. I found this reasonably pleasurable at the start of our relationship but I now find it stale and no longer look forward to it. We have tried experimenting with other stuff. We've tried some very mild BDSM stuff but it feels forced.
In the past two months, I have also tried bottoming (I had always topped until now) and giving my boyfriend blowjobs. I figured this might tap into my more submissive desires and I do find taking the 'submissive' role pleasurable. But I generally find that I don't really look forward to doing it and, beforehand, it feels like a chore, even though I enjoy the actual act.
I also have some quite specific issues about topping with my boyfriend (which will likely remain our primary sexual activity). I find it always takes a long time since my boyfriend likes to do a lot of foreplay which I find a little slow. And it is often quite dirty since my boyfriend is reluctant to douche or use enemas for health reasons.
I have discussed these issues with my partner. He agreed to an open relationship (with constraints) 6 months ago. I have frequently met people whereas he has met another guy once. I have really enjoyed meeting submissive guys (some of whom do seem to come close to my sexual desires). It feels strange to go from this power-infused sexual dynamic back to more vanilla sex with my boyfriend, which I don't enjoy as much. I also think I would generally prefer to be monogamous.
I am wondering whether you would have any suggestions for improving my sex life with my partner.
The alternative is that we break up and I pursue a relationship with a naturally more submissive guy. I have several concerns about this alternative:
1. I worry that this dominance fetish is a manifestation of a general discomfort with being gay i.e. perhaps wanting to be the manliest gay I can be.
2. Although I'm happy to perhaps take a lead in decision-making, I don't want a master/slave relationship and I feel uncomfortable with the expectation that I be an alpha male, which I worry a lot of relatively submissive guys might desire.
3. I worry that I will get bored of being with a submissive guy, like I have with more vanilla sex in our current relationship.
4. By entering into a relationship with someone who is primarily interested in pleasing me, I would be violating the concept of being GGG, i.e. not being generous/game. I worry that this could lead to long-term problems.
I would appreciate any thoughts you might have. Thanks!
Possibly Like Eager And Submissive Emasculated Dudes
You can either break up with your boyfriend and find someone who shares your interest in D/s sex, or you can become one of those gay couples that has sex outside their relationship almost exclusively. Now that can work, of course, but it doesn't sound like it's what you want. So I think you should end things with your current boyfriend, PLEASE. You aren't sexually compatible, first and foremost, and then there's all that shit on your dick.
With that decided—you're breaking up—let's jump to your list of post-break-up concerns, PLEASED:
1. No, PLEASED. No, no, no. Be thoughtful about your desires and kinks, but pathologizing the stuff that gets you off is a waste of time. (And, hey, if being into erotic D/s play is about internalized homophobia, what explains all those kinky straight people out there in D/s relationships, Femdom relationships, TPE relationships, etc.?) You're not any more or less fucked up because you wanna dominate a guy who wants to be dominated. (Wanting to dominate people who don't want to be dominated? That's fucked up.) In fact, kinksters who thoughtfully incorporate their kinks into their sex lives are happier and healthier than the average person. Like all of us, you probably have some issues that need to be worked out. But your kinks aren't the issue. So long as they're not causing you distress, so long as they can be and are enjoyed consensually, they're not even an issue.
2. You can be a Dom top without owning a slave. You can be a Dom top without having to be an alpha or a master or a handler or a key-holder or a whateverthefuck. Be the Dom you wanna be—create your own Dom persona and dynamics—and find yourself a sub who's a good-enough/close-enough fit. You may find yourself with a sub whose needs and desires don't align perfectly with your own, just as your desires may not align perfectly with your sub's. That's where GGG comes in: you meet his reasonable needs, he meets yours, you respect each other's limits. But otherwise, PLEASE, to thine own Dom self be true.
3. You could, but anyone could get bored with their partner. Sexual passion waxes and wanes over years, PLEASED, but—if your partner is right for you—other aspects of their personality will hold your interest over the longterm and get you through the dry patches. And speaking as someone in a long-long-LONG-term relationship, you're both going to grow and change and evolve and shit (but hopefully not on dicks). The guy who's your sub today could be your Dom a decade from now—or you two could wind up co-topping/dominating someone together. Or subbing together for some other Dom, or having mostly mild D/s sex with each other—or even vanilla sex—while exploring more intense D/s sex with others. Even if you get bored dominating him, or he gets bored submitting to you, your shared interest in domination/submission/control will still be there—it's the bedrock sexual connection that's missing in your current relationship, PLEASED.
4. If your guy wants to service you without reciprocation—if he wants to blow you without being blown, if he wants to make you come without ever being allowed to come himself, if he wants to worship your cock while his is locked up—allowing him to service you (ordering him to!) is totally GGG. If your partner gets off being with a selfish top, being the best selfish top you can possibly be is totally GGG. If this dynamic is your game and it's their game and you're both giving... then it's totally good. (All that said, PLEASE, order your future submissive boyfriend[s] to come once in a while, for their own health.)