Savage Love Letter of the Day: Is Her Ex-Boyfriend Biphobic? (Her Ex-Boyfriend Would Like To Know)


Da Nile ain't just a river in Egypt.

And projection ain't just a job in a theater.

She felt you were worried that she was going to leave you for a woman (when you weren't worried). That strongly suggests she was imagining that possibility. It's easier to dump on you, pretending you feared her actions, than to face her own fears of those future actions.

You did good. You did all you could.

A hallmark of the closet case is confusion. Which (among other things) is hell on their opposite-sex partner.
Sounds like you were as supportive as you could be, and sounds like she's a bit of a mess, regardless of her sexual orientation. I'm thinking she is probably pretty young. Hope she figures it out, with as little human collateral as possible.
Even taking into account that the LW has probably put his best foot forward in describing the situation and how he handled it, I'm still not convinced that "he made it all about his insecurities." It sounds as if he asked a perfectly reasonable and rational question. If someone who WASN'T my SO was having frequent discussions with me about being bisexual while in a monogamous heterosexual relationship, and they had never had a same-sex relationship (or encounter) I would probably ask them the same question.
She put all of the weight of supporting her onto him, in her refusal to find a support group, even though there is no way he could be all she needs in that regard. (could be laziness or shame or who knows).
Then she gets upset when he asks a perfectly reasonable question about THEIR relationship, as if he isn't a part of it. Add in her hiding her upset feelings.
Then after the fact projects/gaslights him about "his insecurities"...

If they weren't already broken up I would suggest a DTMFA. It sounds like she needs to come to terms with more than just her bisexuality.
She sounds like a regular nightmare. That gal is a piece of gaslighting shit. Maybe at some point in the future (I'm thinking when she gets it together to come out to her fucking therapist it'll be an important milestone), she'll be datable, but I'm thinking she is definitely not GF material for a nice person of any gender at the moment. You are well rid of her.
She won't even talk to her therapist about it.

Her therapist has one job, compensated by your ex at a couple hundred dollars an hour, and your ex won't even engage the exact person she's paying to fill that role. Tbe problem is not yours, QB. Let go of your guilt; you can't help people who refuse help.
Quick editing note: (where are you know, Joe O.?) - now, eh?

Otherwise, high fives all around. Muah.
Ya did fine, LW - your ex just needs some time single to figure herself out.
I agree with @5 jayde. What in the actual fuck? This girl isn't worth the digital ink this letter was written with.
What does the LW want in his own life? Does he want a monogamous relationship or to negotiate some kind of poly lifestyle? I would take the 'vulnerability' he has purportedly projected onto his ex not as his concern that she would leave him for a woman, but a feeling he was being somehow 'stifled' by the relationship. (A common way, in most people's conceptions, that a bi person may feel 'stifled' in a relationship is if they can only have sex with a person of one of the genders they're attracted to).

He seems to have behaved decently towards his ex. On the narrow question of whether it's 'biphobic to ask a bi person whether they want more than a monogamous relationship', the answer's 'no': it's not biphobic.
Man, this letter takes me back to when I was the sole support system for a tortured bisexual out to only me! The ugly midpoint, anyway. Ultimately he came out to everyone, apologized for putting me in a series of crazy mind-fucking situations along the way, and we're still friends.
@7 As soon as I saw that typo, I thought, "and which fuckwad is going to point this out?" Ding, ding, ding you win!
@12 Aw, that's not very friendly-like. I'm an editor! I edit! No smooches for you.
MPI @13, sadly the world is roughly divided into two camps: those who are offended by misuse of the language and therefore feel compelled to correct others' typos and grammatic slip-ups, and those who are offended by people who would dare to correct others' mistakes. Not coincidentally, the folks in the second camp are often the most prolific generators of errata.
Cap @14, I could hug you for that comment.
@5 @9 How 'bout a little compassion, eh? Sounds like the letter writer was doing his best to be a fine human being, and yeah sure she has some issues, needs some help (not just the LW) and ought to talk to her therapist. Sure. But having been there myself (and still not having reached any sort of perfected enlightenment!) I can say that compassion helps a lot more than "not worth the digital ink..." You can internalize a lot of nasty shit over the years and it does damage. She might be a pretty fine human being herself once she works through things.

LW, sorry things didn't work out for you this time. You'll be a wonderful partner for someone - that level of communication and caring is pretty awesome. Good luck.