I am a 29-year-old married gay man. My husband is about ten years my senior, and we have a great relationship in almost all the important ways. The one thing that is lacking for me is the frequency and character of sex. I know you get emails like these a lot, but mine has a few twists. See, my husband's ideal sexual scenario involving me is me giving him a BJ while he jerks me off. I like sucking his dick, and getting jerked off is fine, but not as the go-to scenario. Moreover, he absolutely refuses to blow me. I really like bottoming, and it's often a chore to get him to fuck me. He just wants his dick sucked. I'm contemplating asking him for a slight opening of our marriage. I'm pretty sure he'd be up for it, as we've talked about it in the past. I just want a fuck buddy to see every once in a while. However, I want to impose one of three restrictions.

1. He can't see someone else. I realize this is not fair on its face, but my reasoning is that, whenever he wants his dick sucked, I suck it willingly, and if he wants to fuck, I'd gladly get fucked. If he ever was in the mood, I'd always be game. The problem is his willingness, not mine, so I see him utilizing a fuck buddy as an admission that he doesn't want sex with me, which he denies is the case. And I promise, if he were more into sex, I wouldn't even consider an open marriage because he's fucking amazing in bed.

2. He can't fuck his future fuck buddy. His preferred method of sex is getting his dick sucked, and similar to my reasoning above, if he wanted to fuck, I'm game.

3. This one is sort of non-negotiable: I want to disallow him from seeing two specific people, one of which I know would be his go-to fuck buddy. Several years ago we were having some severe relationship issues, and he almost left me for this go-to guy. Go-to guy is still a good friend of my husband's, which I have sanctioned, but if they were to start having sex (again) I would feel super insecure. I also want to say "no" to him doing anything with one of his former employees. My husband admits that this man has blown him before. I do not have the body type—or personality type—as the two I would want to forbid him from seeing. He swears (and I largely believe him) that he thinks I'm attractive, etc., but I do not have the same body type as other men he's dated and it would make me feel weird if he reverted back to fucking the two guys who personify the types of men he used to seek out.

I see any/all of my restrictions as being perfectly reasonable and logical, but I wanted a non-biased opinion, as the unreturned BJs and unwillingness to pound me is starting to drive me nuts.

No Use For An Acronym

Recapping your rules, NUFAA:

1. Your husband can't see other people.

2. Your husband can see other people (?) but he can't fuck them.

3. Your husband can't see and/or fuck two men in particular because he has a history with both guys and they share a body type unlike your own and that makes you feel insecure because your husband can't find more than one body type attractive and you won't be able to handle it if he "reverts back" to guys who don't look exactly like you and these guys look nothing like you and... so what happens when he finds a guy who isn't one of these two guys but doesn't look like you? (Have you thought this one through?)

This isn't an offer to open your relationship, NUFAA, it's blackmail. You're telling your husband to give you more and better sex or total freedom to seek the sex outside your marriage—with no restrictions placed on your actions but a long list of restrictions placed on his.

Good luck with that, NUFAA.

While most open relationships are predicated on a set of rules (sometimes seemingly arbitrary), and while certain rules may seem unfair to uninvolved observers (usually the ones crafted to accommodate insecurities), and while specific people are often ruled out-of-bounds/beds/slings, your proposed fix for your lousy marital sex life seems punitive and controlling—and that's not openness, kiddo, that's the beginning of the end.

Don't get me wrong: your husband's ridiculously limited sexual repertoire would frustrate many/most men—I wouldn't stick around for that—but if you're unhappy with the menu, NUFAA, you need to address that directly. If that doesn't get you anywhere—if opening up the relationship is the only way to work around your husband's sexual limits/limitations—then you'll need to craft an agreement together that doesn't amount to, "Open for me, closed for thee." Placing a long list of punitive restrictions on your husband's sexual choices isn't just unreasonable, NUFAA, it all but guarantees he'll screw up if he were foolish enough to agree to your rules. An openness "agreement" that generates conflict will undermine your relationship, most likely fatally.

If you're going to open the relationship, open the relationship. If you want out, get out. If you offer him this list of ultimatums and non-negotiables, you're gonna get out whether or not you want out.

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