Yup. If he was feeling the same intense emotional connection he'd be talking about ways you could see each other, not reasons why you shouldn't. That's a waving red flag, LW. Find someone that's at least 2/3rds as crazy about you as you are for them.

I agree. Had my own version of this recently and for my own self protection I ended the friendship as well. Because those sorts of connections are really never just "friends" and they aren't going anywhere. Usually someone that isn't ready just isn't that into you and then suddenly they will be "ready" and with someone else.

If Dan's hunch is correct, the "leaving super early in the morning" from the first time they met makes me chuckle a little, too.

A no brainer.

FAR-- This is said with compassion. (All my comments are said with compassion, but I have a special place in my heart for the heartbroken.) Consider the possibility that your pushing too hard and out of control emotions are NOT what made Mr. OWGA pull away from you. Consider that it was his depression or that he's not that into you or that he doesn't want a relationship with anyone or that he's a jerk who loves yanking you around or any number of other possibilities. There's some solace in blaming yourself because that, at least, gives you a little sense of control, but the whole thing might have been out of your hands from the start.

When he says that he's had some bad relationships and doesn't want another one, does that mean he doesn't want ANY relationship or that he doesn't want another BAD relationship. Here's what you do: Ask him to clarify.

Next (and you'll have to imagine a flow chart here), if he says he doesn't want any relationship, we move to information on how to heal a broken heart when you're really into someone who doesn't want you in back. This has been covered in this comments section before and involves song titles.

If he says he doesn't want a bad relationship or a long distance relationship, start the conversation on what he's looking for. You're going to have to play the steely rational guy for a bit. That's going to be hard when you're warm hearted and emotional, but it's necessary. You need to find out what he wants and whether you can provide that, and you have to do it without twisting yourself into but-I-can-be-whatever-you-want pretzels. Meanwhile, you're also going to have to decide if he's what you're looking for over the long term without blinding yourself with "we-had-a-connection! logic. Proceed cautiously.

It is possible that 2 people with a strong emotional connection (and I'm assuming great sex) don't work out for the long term-- or even a short term that lasts more than a weekend here and there. If so, back to the advice on broken hearts. I'm sorry.

It's also possible that a person who consistently has bad relationships (as opposed to simply has relationships that end or become non-romantic, because that's what most do), actually is the problem in those relationships, in which case, it really is him and not you..

@5 I think your advice would be perfect if there was actually something here - a relationship of some description. But what they really have, so far, is an attraction on LW's part, and a possible attraction on the other guy's. At this point, asking the other guy what he wants could get an honest, non gameplaying response of "I don't know" - because he really doesn't know.

So I think Dan's advice is perfect - just wait and see how it goes. If a year from now they've met up a few times, had fun, and are continuing to have enjoyable online contact, then it's time for the conversation you lay out. Just lay back, live his life with this guy as an added occasional bonus in it of some sort, and see what happens.

Unfortunately, I don't think our LW is going to be able to do that.

Sucks when you are totally into someone and the feeling isn't returned. We have a word for that, it's "life". Learn to recognize the signs and don't invest emotionally where it's not warranted, you just come off as needy and it doesn't help your cause. Play it cool as Dan says. It's possible this other guy really does have other issues that may clear up with time. It's possible he's just not seeing your full potential because he hardly knows you and that may clear up with time. It's possible you're not his long-term type. You sound like a kid looking at a shiny object in a store window (and we've all been there) but just wanting it won't make it so. Save your allowance and maybe you'll be able to get it someday (if another shiny object doesn't come along before then).

I feel I need to know what other guys FAR was dating and how at the age of twenty. Could it be that he set this guy up as something special because a relationship with him was impossible? That he leaned heavily on the emotional connection, and allowed himself feelings, with someone unavailable because these were things he denied and suppressed with the men he had sex with? Or was he having little or no sex because he was so absorbed in this guy--the guy he seems to have overwhelmed with his demands?

One potential problem in his having a future with this guy is that he sees what's just happened as continuous with his feelings of ten years ago. It's not someone from the past popping up again, and then--because they're so much older, relaxed and more mature--their being able to have great casual sex without making a song and dance about it. It might be that for the other guy. It might be him getting the LW out of his system--happily and in a changed way. But it's a reunion for FAR. This is a terrible strategy for his making something of the connection he feels--it's far too invested, forbiddingly over-invested. But can he play it cool? Why does this potential relationship matter so much to him, anyways? Is the guy so much better than the people he usually dates? Because, in the end, we tend to end up with people who're pretty much our social, cultural, financial peers.

Harriet @ 9 - "This is a terrible strategy for his making something of the connection he feels--it's far too invested, forbiddingly over-invested"

Indeed.

Someone you fell for really hard - whom you felt was the real deal - when you were TWENTY! LW, this sounds like a first love thing. Was he your first love? Are you feeling love for him now, or the memory of love? Try to figure that out, because you're not the person you were at 20, and neither is he. Sometimes when we meet up with old friends and lovers, we can revert to the people we were when we knew them, for a little while. The bittersweet joy of memory and nostalgia can be very alluring.

The whole thing is kind of moot anyway, isn't it? He doesn't want to try for a serious relationship. Maybe it's because he's recovering from bad relationships like he says; maybe he doesn't wanr a long distance part time lover; or, painful as it is to accept, maybe he's just not that into you. Take Dan's advice, don't try to push for one.

Huh. I flew right over the red flags you all saw. To me, if the One wasn't into him or wasn't interested, why the reconnect? Why spend a hot and bothered two days together after meeting up after a decade? The One successfully extracted himself from a relationship that didn't seem right ten years ago, of that is all this is, so why go down that rabbit hole again?

I drew the conclusion that while there is much chemistry, both understand their own internal barriers. Lw doesn't like/can't do the ldr and both seem relatively pragmatic in the sense that NEITHER seems to propose moving to the town where the other lives. And good for them, they aren't falling into the error in believing "love conquers all." Sometimes love doesn't even conquer logistics.

True enough, LW, don't get your hopes up. Neither of you really knows the other, although that chemistry counts for a lot. I'd take DS's advice but no need to be cynical or to necessarily think he's just letting you down easy. Just realize that life is unpredictable and fate is rationalization after the fact. Sometimes the pieces don't come together as we wish.

@12 "fate is rationalization after the fact"

That's such an eloquent way of stating it that I had to Google it to see what famous quote it was from. None. Apparently, it's yours. Nicely done.

@13 thank you! Glad to know I didn't inadvertently crib it off anyone. :) I've done that unintentionally.

@14 ~ you and George Harrison...

"I've had some bad relationships recently and don't want to embark on another one" could also mean "I realize Im the common factor, and Im trying not to do that again". Be very cautiously optimistic.