Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: What should she do about her roommate's ex? Should these three people DTMFA? Is the primary or secondary partner to blame? And this woman has a very long story to tell.
From the Palace:
You answered a question of mine in San Francisco a few weeks ago about wearing lipstick in solidarity with my mom. The response from you—and the audience—made me feel confident, and in turn wearing the same lipstick made my mom so happy, and I can't thank you enough for that.
In response to ITALY:
Longtime fan. In response to ITALY today you wrote "I constantly receive letters from people who made the mistake of committing to partners who didn't support their sexualities/fetishes/kinks, etc. It's a recipe for frustration, resentment, and a much messier breakup down the road." I wonder. Don't you think maybe you get all these letters because… you're a sex advice columnist? Don't your "I'm going crazy here" letters outnumber your "everything is great" letters on nearly every subject? Everybody's situation is different and some needs are too strong to ignore, but I wouldn't be so hasty to say that a messy breakup is inevitable unless ITALY gets his latex on.
None of which is to say that ITALY should get over his latex fetish. The ideal outcome here would be if GF tries the latex and likes it. But suggesting that his needs are nonnegotiable doesn't do either of them any favors. If she's really a "perfect soul mate," the latex-for-soulmate tradeoff might be worth it. (I know, they're only 22….) Sometimes you suggest that an unfulfilled desire leads to sexual doom—but other times, you advise people to ask themselves whether they're OK with a certain desire being "off the menu." That's a question ITALY has to answer for himself. But allow me to suggest that you be quicker with "menu" and more hesitant with "recipe for frustration."
You're right, of course: my sample(s) are pretty hopelessly skewed. People who are content—even after paying the price of admission—don't write in to tell me that everything's going great. That said, kinky people shouldn't be expected to sacrifice their kinks, or to pay the price admission, by default. If ITALY's GF gives latex a try and doesn't like it, instead of just telling ITALY he'll have to make the latex-for-soulmate tradeoff (which he might have to do), we can also advise ITALY's girlfriend to consider making the reasonable- accommodation-for-soulmate tradeoff. She can let him wear latex to fetish parties or wear latex herself once in a while—she may find, in time, that she likes dressing up in latex and that it was kink-negativity that prompted her initial reaction, not an abhorrence of latex.
I have to thank you again, this time for the response to the individual complaining about serial first daters. I've all but given up on online dating because of the guilt I feel when the guy wants a second date and I don't. I am admittedly too chicken to tell them at the end of the date (I mean preinterview). So I wait for the next day text, then try to let them down easy. However, seeing the date as a preinterview, not a date, makes me feel less bad for something I shouldn't have felt guilt to begin with. It's impossible to gauge chemistry online and sexual chemistry is so important to me. I am going to start telling them at the end or even middle of the preinterview that there will be no date and quit being vague and elusive and leaving them hopeful until the next day. Thanks again!
The biggest issue to me seems that he told her this? That seems unnecessarily cruel. Perhaps it's time for her to create some rules too e.g., "I don't want to hear about your relationship with your wife unless it's neutral or positive, don't relay anything she's said to me as I won't take sides or be your relationship confidant." Maybe the married couple need a therapist to help them become comfortable with the changes they've made in their relationship. It's not really her problem though, she just needs her own boundaries to ensure she's getting what she needs, hierarchy or not, out of this experience without trying to control others.
I couldn't help but ponder if SADDEN's inability to control negative sexual impulses was related to either ADHD or narcissism or some combination thereof? I get that armchair psychology can be incredibly dangerous, but I've been around partners with these personality traits/maladies and boy did her descriptions make my hair stand up. I'd hope she gets professional help to at least investigate these issues asap. For her sake and everyone she cares about as well.