Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up


About first dates....

The first date with someone you don't know at all, such as a tinder date should always be super duper low key, and have a time limit. Middle of the day coffee or lunch. Not elaborate dinner and a movie. If your 30 min coffee date worked well, then it's time to schedule your "real" date. It makes it so much easier to let someone down easy if they only have 30 minutes and $7 invested.
On kink-related "settling down means settling for", and hoping to redress the sample bias: As the high-desire partner, I thought about breaking up over this issue and kink-related issues many times. However my marriage was and remains freaking great; I worsened my dissatisfaction by approaching the issues badly on many occasions; and having hit forty years old, the differences are no longer so marked. I'm so glad I settled for. It is rich, deep and rewarding, and my own shortcomings (the root of my problems) forced me to grow.
To the responder to ITALY: Did I read a different reply, or did I just read the reply? In the comments themselves, another commenter dreamed Dan had advised ITALY to get his kinks on with a third party, which he never suggested. He also -- to my surprise -- did not advise ITALY that a breakup was "inevitable." Here's his response, my highlights added:

I'm not going to tell you to DTMFA—"Dump The MotherFucker Already"—but I will give you a warning: Someone can't be your "perfect soul mate" in the context of a sexually-exclusive relationship unless the "sexual sphere" works too. I constantly receive letters from people who made the mistake of committing to partners who didn't support their sexualities/fetishes/kinks, etc. It's a recipe for frustration, resentment, and a much messier breakup down the road.

But I don't think you should dump your girlfriend or that she should dump you—not yet, at least. Instead you should continue to talk about the importance of embracing each other's sexualities—her embracing yours, you embracing hers—as that's the only way you'll be able to make this work longterm. If she can't embrace yours because it doesn't work with hers, you may need to part ways. But there are no motherfuckers here—just two people who might not be sexually compatible.

That said, ITALY, there are two kinds of people you meet at big fetish/kink events (the kinds of places where you might see, oh, cute Italian boys gimped out in full latex): people who were always kinky and the people who fell in love with them. You're both young and you really like each other. I think you should keep seeing her and continue to have the conventional sex you both enjoy while making it clear that your kinks aren't going away and will need to be either incorporated or accommodated at some point.

"Accommodated," to me, suggests compromise, as does the rest of Dan's response. He fully acknowledges the likelihood, based on his wealth of experience, that the differences in their desires may lead to a breakup if they don't resolve them. He didn't say the only way to resolve them was for Ms ITALY to embrace ITALY's kinks wholesale. "Negotiable" was, in fact, the entire theme of the reply. Keep negotiating. Maybe this couple will be the exception.
OhTheTrees @1: Yes. It's good to have some other appointment/commitment you need to get to, so you'll have to end the date, whether it's going well or not. This will also tell you whether they only view the date as an opportunity to get laid that day and never see you again.

Queen @2: Thank you for providing the counterpoint!
On serial first daters...I am going to start telling them at the end or even middle of the preinterview that there will be no date and quit being vague and elusive and leaving them hopeful until the next day...
I have had one or two women tell me this over the years. Even if I didn't feel the same way, I was thankful they were honest with me. It's just life. Not everyone is meant to be with everyone for a million possible reasons. I was happy not to waste any more time on a lost cause and move on to a possible better fit where we both felt the same way.
*cracks knuckles*
Time to act like these things actually have an answer and also write some bullshit no one will read.