Longtime listener, first-time writer. I'm a 31-year-old queer female writing to you from
New Zealand because I want to stop being an asshole. When it comes to sex, Iâm addicted to the thrill of the chase but I struggle to maintain a lasting relationship beyond that. Iâve been with my current partner for three years but itâs been an up and down kind of a ride due to various reasons and I've also slept with 14 other people in that time without his knowledge. Iâve never had a relationship where I havenât cheated and Iâve never dated someone who can keep up with my libido. The thing is that when I do get laid, I donât want it to last long because itâs really only the thrill of the chase that Iâm into.My current situation suits me fine. I have a pretty good relationship and when Iâm feeling like I need the thrill of the chase Iâll go have a one night stand with someone and that keeps me satisfied for a while. It suits me that his happens without my partnerâs knowledge and consent because it keeps things nice and simple. I know itâs not fair that he doesnât know. It would be ideal if he was into cuckolding but Iâve raised this idea with him in the past and heâs not keen. Iâve also raised the idea of being more open/swinging and he seemed to like the idea of that, but I do wonder if any of these things are going to damage his self-esteem. He knows that I have a higher libido than him and that Iâll happily fuck him whenever heâs keen, but if I tell him that I want to fuck other guys too wonât that make him feel inadequate? Heâs not super confident and that actually causes a little bit of a problem for us in the bedroom room because he canât make eye contact during sex and so I donât feel connected to him. I worry if I come clean about my sexual desires and how I have/would like to keep servicing my needs, itâs going to eat away at him. Heâs the sort of guy that might agree to something but wouldnât communicate his pain until it hit boiling point. So it would be easier if I kept it all secret. But thatâs not morally sound.
I know that an answer to this might be âbreak up with your partner and find someone whoâs into cuckoldingâ but that wonât be easy in a county with a small population and relatively conservative attitudes towards sex. So my questions are:
1. How do you ask your partner to let you fuck someone else without it damaging their self esteem?
2. Is there a name for someone whoâs addicted to the thrill of the chase?
Could Unveiling Cuck Kink Entirely Distress Her Insecure Man?
P.S. If we were to open things up I think Iâd be OK with my partner fucking other people too.
1. It might clarify things, CUCKEDHIM, if you asked yourself what finding out his girlfriend has already cheated on himâand cheated on him repeatedlyâis gonna do to your insecure partner's self-esteem. A guy who can't handle an honest, respectful conversation about monogamy/non-monogamy in advance of sex outside the relationship isn't gonna react well to learning that he's been in a non-monogamous relationship for the last three years without his knowledge or consent. (And he actually handled your previous conversations about open/swinging pretty well, it seems, so I don't understand why you're avoiding this convo.)
Zooming out: You know yourself, CUCKEDHIM. You know you're incapable of honoring a monogamous commitment; you've cheated in every relationship you've ever been in. Don't want to be an asshole? Stop making or defaulting into monogamous commitments you know you can't keep. Stop being dishonest, stop being disrespectful, stop being selfish. Stop cheating. I don't mean stop chasing or stop fucking around. You can have the kind of sex life you want (one with new experiences, one-night stands, lots of chasing) and the kind of relationship you want (one with a strong emotional bond and an honest sexual connection), CUCKEDHIM, but not until you risk opening your mouth and telling your partner the truthâthis partner, if things work out, or your next partner, if things don't work out.
If your partner doesn't know about the fourteen guys you've already fucked behind his back, CUCKEDHIM,
have a convo with him about the future, not the past, i.e. come clean about your sexual desires, not your sexual history. Stuff those fourteen guys down the ol' memory hole and tell your partner the big-picture truth: "We've had a few tentative conversations about openness and swinging, honey, and I've got to level with you. An open relationshipâone that allows me to have sex, just sex, with other guys once in a whileâis the only way I'll ever truly be happy in a long, long, long-term relationship."
If that's not the kind of relationship he wants, he's free to go. Maybe he won't go right awayâmaybe he'll agree to openness at first and then have a meltdown when his pain hits the boiling pointâor maybe he'll quickly realize nothing much has changed, since you're not interested in dating other men, just a nice discreet/discrete chase/fuck every once every once in a while. If he can't go thereâif he can't wrap his head a degree of openness (not even a DADT arrangement)âdue to his inadequacy issues, CUCKEDHIM, then you two will have to part. Because the simple fact of the matter is this: he's not enough for you. No man is be enough for youâso it's not that your partner is inadequate (although the eye contact thing is weird), it's that all men, on their own, are inadequate.
2. Casanova is alleged to have said, "The best moment of love is when one is climbing the stairs." So it would seem that one of the world's legendary lovers was on the same pageâthe chase, the getting to "yes," was the sweetest part.
P.S. That's very gracious of you, CUCKEDHIM, considering all the people you've already fucked behind your partner's back. This is for you.
P.P.S. You describe a cuckolding arrangement as "ideal" at the start of your letter and close by saying you "think" it might "be okay" if your partner fucked other people too. Hm. I'm actually not convinced you'd be okay with him sleeping with other women, CUCKEDHIM, which makes me wonder if he's not the only insecure person in this relationship. If you want to fuck around on someone who has no interest in fucking around on you (or isn't allowed to fuck around on you)âif that's something else you know about yourselfâthen break up with your boyfriend and go find yourself a nice cuck.
P.P.P.S. There are cuckolds and cuckold couples in New Zealand. I Googled "cuckolding New Zealand" and a bunch of personal ads, chat threads, Reddit postings, and swinging websites popped right up. Here's a handy link.
Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org!
Tickets to HUMP 2017 are on sale now! Get them here!