Savage Love Letter of the Day: Potential Perfect Boyfriend Mocks Handsome Gay's Small Cock

Comments

1
Or the potential BF is just an asshole and the LW should DTMFA, coz submitting a guy you've just met to SPH without asking if he's into it is, quite literally, a dick move.
2
SPH, I think what you're seeing is that even men with relatively large cocks can still harbor anxieties about their size, and that through being a SPH dominant, they get reassurance as to their own size.

In reading your letter, you seem to acknowledge your smaller size in a way that suggests that you're comfortable with who you are physically. That suggests you're not open to being on the receiving end of SPH. Meanwhile, if your boyfriend wasn't into this before meeting you, he certainly seems to have discovered something that turns him on, and he is fantasizing about kink scenes involving other people. That suggests that you two are not kink compatible, and if SPH isn't your kink, it strikes me as a form of kink play that would be corrosive to your self-esteem, rather than something erotic. So if I were you, I would put a stop to this, discuss your respective kinks, if any, and see what overlap you two have and whether you're really well suited for each other.
3
Top and bottom are mindsets not determined by dick size. Tell the gorgeous potential BF that you are not into SPH, and that you're not going to play that way. If he doesn't agree and apologize, drop him.
Now, if you and he can be happy with his bragging about and your praising his big dick, that might work, but non-consensual degradation is toxic.
4
Agree with Ricardo @1 on bf’s assholism.
I once again take issue with “dick move” though. I brought it up here couple of weeks ago and was told that this is a commonly used word, aimed at men who don’t really care about it anyway, “cunt” is more powerful and degrading since it’s not that commonly used, and calling someone a “cunt” is indeed a dick move.

As a proud (average size, but that’s not the point) penis heaver I find associating penis with bad behavior to be offensive. Those who assume that penis heavers don’t care, or are far less likely to be offended, are only perpetuating the situation and have less of a right to complain that men are insensitive pigs.

5
The LW needs to tell his potential bf that SPH isn't his kink and that he, his lover, should desist--SPH doesn't want to play, doesn't want to be mock-shamed.

I am a 'meh'-penis-haver--actually someone who would rather not have it at all, in some moods, if I could have a fully feminine physique. But I don't want to transition. For me, being a bottom is a convenient way of taking my dick out of the equation--what I feel about it; whether it's big or small; whether or not I come; whether I'm being 'a proper man'. Putting it back in the equation by making it the theme of a humiliation game would be alarming to me. If PSH is anything like this, then he needs to put a stop to this part of his dating at once.
6
So Trump got SPH'd by Rubio?
7
As a smaller than average straight dude with persistently nagging issues around size despite continuous evidence that everything is actually more than cool, let me just say this . . . I call you brother--and ditch that MFA if he hurts your feelings. You deserve better.
8
The number of views for a video and the number of videos matching keywords are, in fact, data, not anecdotes. I know we're in an age of Emotional Reality, but does that extend to the explicit meanings of words too?

9
I used to play with humiliation sometimes and, in my experience, humiliation works when the top understands the mind of the bottom so well that top can play on bottom psychologically. If the top is only doing their fantasy of what they find humiliating, but it doesn’t hit the bottom’s humiliation topics, it’s a failed scene. Maybe the bottom can pretend to be humiliated to indulge the top, but that doesn’t work well.
For example, I used to play with a guy who wanted to humiliate me about my weight. Maybe he had some body issues. But, even though I am objectively fat, I am very self accepting about it. So he would (in scene) do some version of “you’re so fat” and I’d be “yeah, so, what’s your point?” Not feeling the least humiliated and sometimes not even getting that this was his attempt at a scene. If I try hard and squint just the right way, I can scare up some shame about weight.... but it’s just not my thing, really.
So, SPH, if you don’t have any sense of shame about your penis size, that scene is never going to work for you.
More problematic? A top who wants to introduce humiliation without any conversation first if you are into that, without getting to know what might work for you in that kind of emotionally intense and intimate scene, and last but not least, wants to involve dinner party friends in such a scene non consensually. Red flags all round.
10
Hey Sportlandia, I responded to a comment you made over at the reader advice roundup a few days ago. I'm not sure I got it right and would appreciate your feedback on porn criteria.
11
Who is Juan Carlos Alvarado? Is he gay? Was/is he Drudge’s lover? Someone at The Stranger, get on this please.
12
Charming, and wanting to show off the LW's penis to friends when they are over for dinner. What a catch.
13
So the potential boyfriend has an especially "big and long" penis. Sounds like he is turned on by the idea that his is so much bigger than other people's. I am all in favor of indulging your partner's kinks and fetishes, but trying to make someone feel humiliated by something that doesn't, in fact, humiliate him seems unlikely to give Mr. Big Dick what he wants and has the potential to give this rather sweet-sounding lw a complex he didn't have before. I wouldn't do it.
14
@1 WORD!
DTMFA, LW
15
Oh god.
Men and their penises.

I see them everyday and it’s just another part of the body. You guys treat it as if it is the return of the Messiah.

Of COURSE they guy’s an asshole. and so is the LW if he only gets off on “gorgeous guys!”
16
God, what a dick.

@1, @15 FTW.
17
CMD @4: Are you insulting the noble pig?

I'll give Ricardo a pass for using the term "dick move," because the whole issue is about dicks, and that was his reason for using the term.

Sublime @2: My guess was the opposite -- maybe Mr Big Dick had a previous boyfriend who was into SPH, so he assumed LW would also be into it, as his penis is also on the small side. Advice is the same -- LW needs to tell his guy that he's fine with his penis, doesn't enjoy humiliation, and they need to lay their kink cards on the table to see whether they are compatible.

Sporty @8: I caught that too -- what are numbers if not data? Numbers are data, for sure, but data is not a compelling argument for this LW to adopt any kinks he is personally not into.

Lava @12: As always, you manage to perfectly distil the situation into one immaculate quip. Kudos!

Centrists @16: Don't feed the troll. Whoever said this LW "only" gets off on "gorgeous guys"? Why does being attracted to people who are attractive make one an asshole? If I had a penis, I imagine I'd be pretty fond of it too.

LW: Well done you for realising the truth, that there is nothing wrong with a smaller-than-average penis. You deserve a guy who appreciates it, and you!
18
CMD - Just a reminder that considering my name, I'm the one who should be thin-skinned about dick jokes. And I'm not.

BDF's got it right - it was merely a (albeit dickish) play on word, because the letter is all about dick.
20
@17/BiDanFan: I punted on whether SPH's boyfriend already enjoyed SPH before meeting SPH. At first read, I thought SPH's boyfriend already enjoyed this kink. He's an exclusive top who may have sought out an exclusive bottom, and he quickly jumped into wanting a scene in which he was humiliating SPH in front of their dinner guests. Presumably one doesn't do this unless the guests have been forewarned, which suggests that SPH's boyfriend may have done this before. But the evidence seems to point the other way too. Particularly, the fact that SPH thinks his boyfriend only discovered his enjoyment of SPH after seeing his small penis.

In any event, I think the only difference is that if SPH's boyfriend came to the relationship with this kink, then it is less likely that they are a good match. However, if SPH's boyfriend only just came to realize that SPH is a hot kink, than he might be more willing to give it up as the price of admission to a relationship with SPH.
21
Maybe the LW's hung not-yet-boyfriend (Mr. BigDick) once knew a man with a small penis who was into SGP and assumed it was a universal response to having one. Maybe Mr. BigDick thinks he's doing the LW a favor by indulging what he thinks the LW's kink is.

Maybe Mr. BigDick conflates being a top with being a Dom; and maybe he's into humiliating his bottoms in general and seized on the LWs penis size to use. If the LW were balding or overweight or had some other physical trait that is generally seen as less than ideal, Mr.BigDick would have used that.

Maybe Mr. BigDick sees bottoms as unmanly and feels like a real man's man: he's a Top and he's hung. Now he meets a Bottom who also has a small penis, so that has doubly emasculated the lw in Mr. BigDick's eyes. He also sounds like a cruel sadist and bully, on top of all that with the dinner party suggestion. Maybe he's just a cruel bully and the LW's penis size is the outlet for his bullying for now.
22
Spam @19: At least you found a relevant thread to post on. Well played spammer, well played. *reports*
23
Sporty @8 and Bi @17: Numbers are data, but data often lies. The number of views on a video, for instance, doesn't actually tell you the number of *different* people who watched (could be one dude who just love that vid), the number people who clicked and then watched all the way through, the number who were already into that kink instead of just finding out what it was after reading a Dan Savage article, the number who clicked it intentionally, or even what percentage of the sights overall views that is. Two million sounds like a lot, but we also don't know what the time scale is: 2 million views a week? A year? Since XTube started ten years ago?

So yeah, it's data, but it's meaningless data.
24
Yeah, don’t get people who go straight into the humiliation thing when their partner isn’t interested. That’s not sex-positive, it isn’t consensual, and definitely on the cruel asshole end of sadist.
25
I mean surely they can find other, willing play partners.
26
@8, 17 and 23: Yeah, I don't work with numbers or statistics, but I'm wary of the conclusion that because a lot of people click on a kind of porn, it means that a lot of people are into that thing they're clicking on in their own sex lives.

First of all, some people are clicking or searching out of a curiosity that is not arousal. It could be disgust or contempt. It could just be curiosity. Apparently, a lot of people look at porn featuring older/middle-aged women and overweight women. As an older/middle-aged, overweight woman, I should be filling my dance card quite easily, according to an interpretation of that data, but in fact, it doesn't work that way. So I come to the conclusion that those clicks represent a novelty to look at, rather than a preference for something the clickers genuinely find arousing. Maybe they're clicking on those videos to denigrate the women. It's impossible to know the motivation given just that data point. In the case of SPH, we don't know if the people watching that porn have small penises themselves or are average or larger sized and just want to feel superior. We don't know if the people watching that porn are turned on by it or just want to laugh at other people or are just curious about the novelty either of having a small penis or the phenomenon of Small Penis Humiliation as a thing in general.

Second, even if people are clicking on that porn because they find it arousing and use it as wank-fodder, not everything people masturbate to is something they want to do in real life, as I find I have to keep saying over and over, using myself as an example. See the incest fantasy discussion on this week's Savage Love column and the comments at the Reader Advice Round Up from October 19. People who click on incest-themed porn don't necessarily (or probably generally) want to have sex with their own relatives.
27
I don't see anything in the letter that suggests the LW is upset at his partner's kink; he just finds it confusing.

As Dan says, it's more common the other way around, but it does exist in this form.

As someone who has learned to adapt to a similar kink (being told I should want larger breasts, and being told I will eventually get those larger breasts and then I will understand how much better my life is with larger breasts) -- I just want to be a data-point that someone without the kink can sometimes adapt to the kink if the relationship is good in other ways.

I'm not actually going to get breast implants. But I'm okay listening to the fantasy. I don't feel insecure about my breasts, so it doesn't traumatize me to hear that they're inadequate. I have even become able to play along, cheerfully.

So, that's the question I would ask the LW. Can you imagine playing along with this, cheerfully? Does the relationship work for you in other ways? Does your partner generally treat you with courtesy and respect? If so, you could give this kink a try, as dirty talk in bed. And that includes the fantasy of mocking you in front of other people: that would stay a bedroom-only fantasy unless you changed your mind and found it fun. It can be very fun to play with a kink that the other person really really loves. Seeing how excited they are -- that can be exciting.

But if the kink disturbs you, then you're probably best off ending the relationship. It's unlikely that your partner will lose this kink.
28
Ricardo @ 18
Apologies, apparently your writing is too sophisticated for me at times. I may also be blinded by my anti dick-expressions jihad (or is it “crusade”?)
Apparently a di.. oops, a penis, move on my side.
29
"or transubstantiate maybe?"

{rings bell}

The small Penis of Christ.

Amen.
30
@26: I think there is a genuine sexual interest, just not in seeing the subjects as people as making the dating site connections would require :/
31
@17 - huh? What troll did I feed? @1 made a totally reasonable point, and none of it had anything to do with attractiveness. Going right into SPH without consent is an asshole move. @15 was right, too - guys are way too obsessed with penises.
32
Centrists @31: You're obviously not familiar with the tone and content of @15's other posts, whenever "she" decides to seagull in and troll us with her presence. Click on her history to see some gems. This one was a standout: http://www.thestranger.com/slog/2017/06/…
33
@27: “I don't see anything in the letter that suggests the LW is upset at his partner's kink; he just finds it confusing.”

Good point, I see it more as exasperating and on the tired end of confused but I may be reading in from previous LWs.
34
@31, @15's comment her may have made sense to you, but those of us who have seen more than a few of "her" posts know a troll when we see one.
35
@32, @34 - Thanks - didn't realize the history. Just reacting to what she wrote here.