Comments

1
man that puppet looks like Max Stirner
2
If there is any thing interesting in this letter it would seem to be the fact that he want to kiss this man, but not interact with him sexually in any other way. Typically, it seems that straight-identified men who fantasize about interacting sexually with another man want to enjoy another cock, but not kiss another man.
3
Dan's answer focuses on whether wanting to kiss 'James' makes KISS gay. I'd go along with it--'probably not'. But the letter asks something else. What should KISS do? Does KISS want to cheat on his wife? (Kissing can--even tends to--lead to sex). Is he going to tell his wife he obsessively wants to make out with a male coworker? (I doubt he will). Is he going to open up the marriage? Before he thinks about whether he and James have even a one-night future--whether he's actually going to kiss a man--maybe he needs to think how doing so will affect his marriage. It could in multiple ways--by leading him to cheat; through his falling for a coup de foudre and reevaluating his whole life, then doing something crazy; through his coming to feel distant from his wife because she has no idea what he's feeling.
4
@2. SublimeAfterglow. Or try another hole, in my experience.
5
I understand that Dan is limited by space, but why the leap straight to cheating here? KISS is happily married, and maybe his wife would find him making out with a dude a major violation of their marriage... or a rather minor violation she'd rather not know about... or she might find it fucking hot and provide nothing but love and support while he explores (theoretically or actually) this dilemma. I mean, as a woman who would find it fucking hot, clearly I'm a little biased, but, really, if you can't get a little drunk or a little high and chat about/watch some softcore gay porn with your spouse, what's the point of being married?
6
@2
that is a big if
7
James, you left your damn erotic fan fict on the copier again.
8
Thanks a lot for an image of objectified firefighters, Dan... but yeah, thanks!
9
I was about to touch on the happily married aspect of the letter, but FlyByNight @ 5 covered it nicely nicely.
10
I'm more concerned about coming on to someone in the workplace. "Awkward" could end up an encounter with something way more terrifying than gay tongue -- H.R.
11
I think the bigger question is not "does wanting to kiss James make me gay," but "is my marriage open?"
12
@11 nocutename: Yeah. This is way less "am I gay" (answer: sexuality is a many-splendored thing) and is way more "I am married and want to make out with my co-worker - is that ok?" (answer: probably not, adultery is generally a no, as is snogging coworkers).
13
Does Savage Love have no straight cis het male readers with conventional or vanilla tastes? No one to sympathize with the LW and give his problem a more respectful, particular treatment? I know I've been out of America a long time, but the degree of cultural polarization one senses from watching the news is ... off the charts.
14
Yeah, KISS didn't actually ask "am I gay?" or even "am I bi?" His question was whether he should act on his desire. And yeah, given that he's married and the guy is a co-worker and he has no idea whether James feels the same way, "am I queer" is completely irrelevant to what he should do. (Dan obliquely answered: "either find some other dude or be open to some other dude coming along that you feel the same pull toward and let yourself do it—provided, of course, that the dude wants to do it too.")
15
The question isn't does kissing another man make me gay. The question is does kissing anyone make me a cheater.

Looks like others came up with that angle before me. If KISS wrote saying he was happily married but having wild fantasies about making out with a particular woman at work, wouldn't the answer have had to do with what it would do to his relationship with his wife, what it would do to his relationship with his co-worker, and how his employers would view the entire business?

Some fantasies should stay just fantasies.

That said, I do think Dan's answer about the fragility of being straight is spot on.
16
Anyone else been earwormed with the famous misheard lyrics, "Excuse me while I kiss this guy"? :)
17
I feel kind of bad for the dude who asked what he should do about the crush and got a polemic about how fragile he is for asking a question *he didn’t ask*.
18
The bigger question is whether the LW is willing to face "sexual harassment" charges and lose his job?
19
17-Fresh-- Good point. What should he do about the crush? My answer: Fantasize all you want, and don't act on it. I've been fantasizing about David Tennant for years and have never sent even so much as one letter.
20
So, LW.

Though I may be wildly off base, you may be worried that you are one of those guys who seem to wake up one day and be gay. You may be worried that you are on an inevitable spiral to seedy encounters and a messy divorce.

The good news is that this most likely isn't the case. Most of the guys that we see that "suddenly turn" gay actually were gay all along and just took a long, long time to start acting on it and just because you think someone is attractive and your desire for novelty is expressing itself doesn't mean that you will be drawn to bathhouses and grindr. This is by no means uncommon in long term, especially married relationships. Try not to panic.

What you are dealing with is a crush. The thing about a crush is that it is like a fire. If you leave a fire along it burns itself out eventually, just like crushes. If you just acknowledge your feelings and thoughts and don't dwell on them they will fade in short order. In my experience the first week is the hardest. Keep busy with new projects and you'll be fine.

Source: I thought about making out with guys once or twice and work at the "Ford Modeling Agency" of IT companies. It's actually pretty crazy. The women I work with routinely range from "pretty attractive" to "I'm having a hard time looking at you so I'll go back to my cube and you go back to Lothlorien or wherever the hell you came from."
21
BDF @ 16
Excuse me, but the misheard starts with a “skews me”

Another missing piece in the puzzle is James’ dating/marital status. Assuming he is game just because he’s gay can certainly lead to work place trouble.

22
Dan: "If I had the urge to make out with a woman and acted on that urge (right here in the Delta Lounge), no one would look at me"

Perhaps, but as the news this week showed, if you escalate the making out in the Delta Lounge to a BJ on a Delta flight, you'll get a citation and the case will be handed off to the FBI.
23
Fresh @17: Nailed it! Winner of the thread.

Is Capricornius here? I think Dan's tangent answers the question of how he identifies, if not the question posed by this LW.

Ghost @20: You've nailed it as well. One interesting thing is that I've heard many, many straight women talk about their "girl crushes," women they'd presumably kiss if they had a chance but not sleep with because they don't have sexual desires for women. Sounds like KISS has a "boy crush." I bet this is a lot more common than we think, only men can't talk about it the way women can because -- hello! -- they'll be presumed to be gay.

CMD @21: Indeed. Memo to straight dudes: Not all gay dudes fancy you.
24
@13: “Does Savage Love have no straight cis het male readers with conventional or vanilla tastes? No one to sympathize with the LW and give his problem a more respectful, particular treatment?“

The LW asked for insight, not reasons specifically to why he’s notgay.

@23: “CMD @21: Indeed. Memo to straight dudes: Not all gay dudes fancy you.”

Plenty of LWs over the years with similar problems obsessing about parties who’ve expressed zero interest in them so far as well. Cart in front of the horse problems...
25
I think Dan missed the part where the LW was happily married.

I'll say this LW you've probably had crushes on women right? Then just treat your crush on James the same way you'd treat a crush on a woman you worked with. Don't make this James's problem, don't make this your wife's problem. Just admit you have a crush and wait for it pass.

Later if you want to explore, and your wife is okay with it, do that. Right now doing nothing, is the best bet.
26
@24. UndeadAyn. I agree that the LW did not ask for his orientation status to be revisited. This was my original point. To give him advice, we'd maybe need to know more about how his wife would feel about his opening the marriage (by having sex with a man) and whether James is conceivably open to his advances. It may tell us something about whether his obsession is 'just' a fantasy that he says nothing about these matters.

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