Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: What did Louis C.K. do "wrong"? Does a micropenis have to be a dealbreaker? Is this type of butt play okay? How should they humiliate a third?

Also, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

On daddies:

Whenever I've been called "daddy" by a sex partner, it was a younger man who turned out to be looking for a surrogate father figure. It's not a role I want to play at all and I don't appreciate it being imposed on me. From the moment I hear it, I know exactly a) how that person wants the relationship to go, and b) that this person isn't much concerned about how I want it to go. It's a total and instant turn-off, and I now immediately stop seeing/talking to anyone who calls me that. So, everyone, avoid doing it unless that dynamic is clearly established as part of the relationship. Otherwise it's not cool.

Regarding PUSSY:

In last week's column, PUSSY asks (among other things) if it would be degrading for a third party to lick her fiance's cum off her pussy. You say yes, it would be. It's unclear to me if PUSSY is interested in degradation or not, but to my mind degradation is not intrinsic to the scenario she describes. Under the right circumstances, I like watching strangers fuck, I like eating pussy, and I like drinking cum. Why not combine the three? For me, and I suspect many others, participating in PUSSY's fantasy wouldn't necessarily entail power play or a sense of degradation. Good luck to PUSSY and her fiance!

In response to Up His Butt:

Long time reader, first time emailer. I'm writing in response to your most recent Love Letter of the Day, "Is He Gay? (An Email Exchange)." I would like to say that your advice is as always fantastic and I truly hope it all works out for them. But...

Here was my experience: My ex boyfriend and I were together for about ten months. About a month or so in, he tells me that he is bi and I think, "Great! We can watch gay porn together!" We have a conversation about what that means to him, what that means in this relationship, and how he feels about my body. I took him at his word that he was bi and the relationship is on! We say I love you, we go on trips, meet family, we have good sex, he seems to love eating pussy! My pussy in particular! He was always at the ready to go down on me! He seems to love playing with my tits! He says they are fantastic! I never have any doubts of his attraction to me or my body throughout our entire relationship. No red flags. No nothing.

Cut to ten months later, when he tells me something new. That when he met me that he was actually in a transitional phase in his life, that he is now questioning his sexuality, that he loves me, but he believes he is gay and not in fact bi. That his attraction to all women, including me, has been waning for months, that for all the sex we were having, he only wanted to want it. All that time he only wanted to want to eat my pussy. How kind of him.

If UHB's boyfriend is having doubts or concerns about his sexuality, maybe it isn't the best time for him to be in a long term relationship with anyone. If she wants to continue to care for her boyfriend, maybe she should not be his girlfriend, because it fucking SUCKS to get your heart broken this way. Where I had so much love for this person, I now have so much hate because of the lies he was telling himself and how those lies hurt me. I think I had the absolute worst case scenario. Because my ex was in such deep denial about who he was, he thought he was telling me the truth. And I could only take him at his word because I trusted him. And I still got hurt. That's the risk I guess. UHB has to make the choice to take her boyfriend at his word and trust him and their relationship. And not end up like me. Mad as hell. Bitter as all get out. Going through tinder like wildfire. (Though that part is nice. That I can recommend.)

Related to MICRO:

I dated a guy once who never had a hard erection. We didn’t talk about it, it was what it was, and what it was was obviously soft. Once we were chatting about his brother’s “plumbing problems” following his prostate surgery, so I took the opportunity to ask about his own “plumbing,” “Oh, my plumbing’s fine, perfectly healthy, same as when I was fourteen.” Okay then, it’s not going to change, he’s talked about it with his doctor, cool. That’s all I need to know about his anatomy. Maybe at some point we can talk about what he’s tried in terms of toys over the past forty years. Months later I discover that he'd chosen to misunderstand me and had been using “plumbing” to mean prostate when we had definitely been using it to refer to his brother’s ED. I am not happy.

I’m not hung up on penises. I had terrific sex as a lesbian. Each size and shape has its own advantages. Sure, a dick hard enough to pound nails has its charms, but I’d much rather blow a softie than a stiffie. There were stiffies in my teens and twenties. I’m in my fifties now. I expect more softies. But if you refuse to use your words I’m going to lose a lot of respect for you. I volunteer the fact that I gush, explain how I deal with it and ask how you feel. I set expectations with you in advance that I am not going to swallow and reassure you that it’s not because I'm disgusted. If I ask nicely about your dick I want the respect of an answer.

Neither guy in the letter behaved well. The LW didn’t ask nicely and his date didn’t volunteer. Ignoring things doesn’t make them go away. (Teeth being the exception.) They’re each justified in being disappointed in the other. They should also put some effort into being disappointed with themselves and figuring out how to do better next time.


I down vote any attempt to pull off a humiliation scene with an unsuspecting third. Humiliation play requires clear consent after negotiating the parameters, because you’re playing with emotions that can cause strong reactions. As such, I would also veto any attempt at heavy flirting along the lines that Dan outlined. You won’t humiliate this man so much as leave him confused and possibly angry, and that’s not an outcome that merits serving your kink.

What you want is to find a man interested in this kink, and a place where you can let this scene play out. My guess is that your going to want to find a place where you and your fiancé can get fairly sexual without that being an issue, like a kink club, a hotel room, or your home, rather than a bar, where your level of sex play is likely to be too tame to provoke much a response from your third. And it’s obvious that if you’re really in to this scene, what you’re going to want to experience is having sex with your fiancé while this guy is forced to watch.

To get to that point, meet a few guys for coffee, and get comfortable with them. Then try this scene out in a kink club, taking things a far as feels right to you. Then check in with your third a few days later. Once you’re comfortable playing together in public, take it back to your place for the full scene.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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