Dick dancer = This, but naked.
Dick dancer = This, but naked. iStock / Getty Images Plus

We’re going to need a bigger boat, Seattle Rep presents Bruce.
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From The Stranger's inbox (we like mail, too!):

There seems to be a very conservative gay bar scene in Seattle, especially for such a large international city. We know there is a XXX cinema contest each year allowed by the city. We have 'titty' bars in the city. But we don't have male dancers for the gay audience in the city.

I once asked about this and was told it was illegal in Seattle. I thought, "c'mon man"... hell, it's legal in Dallas, why not Seattle? The staff of some gay bars here are very concerned that someone might rub another's crotch in a dark corner. Even The Eagle is freaked by Sunday Tea Dance scenarios.

I would be interested in reading an article that discusses the reason gay bars in Seattle will not take on City Hall. I've heard rumors it's because they are owned by straight investors. They seem to be afraid of losing their liquor licenses if they cross the heterosexual rules of a bar. Why haven't gay leaders insisted that if there can be female nude dancing for str8 males then there should be male thong dancers allowed in gay bars? We call them "dick dancers" in Dallas and Austin.

What has happened to the gay bar scene in not being more proactive at letting the Eagle be the Eagle? Or the Cuff being the Cuff... that is to say... sex bars or back rooms like leather bars usually have in major international cities?

I was once playing pool in the Eagle on a Sunday afternoon. It's a men's bar in most cities in the world. A guy came up to the second level where we were playing pool and announced that he didn't want to see any gay stuff going on because his girlfriend was with him. She wanted to see a gay bar so they stopped in. Some of us told him to f off.. but the bartender took the sides of the straight couple not wanting to offend them and stating all are welcome there. I was livid... anyway.. that's heresay...

I guess Seattle is still very conservative.

It's not Seattle that's fucking things up here, dear dick-hungry letter-writer. The real culprit? The Washington State Liquor and Cannabis Board (WSLCB).

Why does Seattle have archaic closing times? Why can't gay bars play porn on the walls? Who regulates the presence of live dicks dancing near your booze? The WSLCB, which, in 2010, issued a violation to the Eagle for showing a Guys Gone Wild video. Not only does the WSLCB do a shit job of retailing/regulating liquor, its well-paid members also feel the need to be the morality police. (A current listing for an LCB Enforcement Officer offers a salary with a monthly pay of $4,623.00 - $5,493.00.)

As Dan Savage, recently wrote, "the Washington State Liquor Control Board has been ruining our good times since forever."

And as for strippers with penises... er, "dick dancers," if that's what Texas wants us to call them... dancers aren't allowed to strip down to their dicks (or vaginas) anywhere booze is sold in the state of Washington. Per the Washington State Legislature:

What types of conduct are prohibited on a premises with a liquor license?

Licensees may not allow, permit, or encourage employees (including him or herself) to: Be unclothed or in such attire, costume, or clothing as to expose to view any portion of the breast below the top of the areola or of any portion of the pubic hair, anus, cleft of the buttocks, vulva, or genitals.

So, letter-writer, you'll have to go down to Portland if you want a dick dancer's pubic hair, anus, cleft of the buttocks, or genitals to come with a side of booze.

Will the WSLCB ever loosen its Puritanical grip? Probably not.

A very abbreviated round-up of the many ways the WSLCB has been ruining our good times since, like, forever:

- Liquor Control Board Cracks Down on Art Galleries (Aug 12, 2010)
- Liquor Officers Gone Wild (Nov 11, 2010)
- Declaring War on the Liquor Board (Dec 2, 2010)
- A Case for Firing Washington's Ineffectual Liquor Control Board (May 31, 2012)
- Liquor Board Apologizes for Dispensary Visit (Aug 31, 2013)
- Sorry, Boozehounds! Broadway QFC Ain't Serving Liquor! (Aug 11, 2017)