You know what really gets my goat? EVERY YEAR the annual Starbucks cup controversy starts earlier and earlier! GODDAMNIT WHY CAN'T THEY WAIT UNTIL AFTER THANKSGIVING??
That being said, the new Starbucks cup has turned me gay. I was already bisexual, so it could be argued it wouldn't take much to tip me to either side, but this new holiday cup is SO gay, I couldn't resist Starbucks' devious and alluring invitation. Here's a picture of the cup... and WARNING: If you've ever had even a slightly gay dream in your life, don't look at this cup unless you agree right now to meet me at Steamworks this weekend.
See?!? What did I tell you? Just one peep at those androgynous hands touching each other, and suddenly we're all gayer than Gaylord McGayerson, the grand marshal of Gaytown's "Whoopee! I'm GAY" parade. Personally, I'm tickled pink that I'm now an official super gay—you can tell because I just spent the last hour on Amazon pricing out leather teddy bears and rainbow flags that I can hang on my apartment balcony—but many others are not! After Buzzfeed revealed they are gay after looking at the cup, Fox News (who have been struggling with same-sex feelings for years) came out with their own coming-out story. And naturally this was followed by other articles from conservative websites such as the Blaze, who after adamantly denying they're gay, rushed off to the bathroom to watch YouJizz.com on their phones, while uncontrollably sobbing and masturbating on the toilet.
Obviously this isn't the first time Starbucks has created controversy with their cups, and it won't be the last. However, if you're going to make a product that's specifically designed to flip someone's sexual orientation—like this, this, and especially this—a coffee cup that instantly turns people (like ME!!!) gay isn't the worst thing that could happen.
This Christmas MAGA hat is the worst thing that could happen.