Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: A gay Australian sends a letter to his father, a woman wonders if an open relationship is medically necessary, a kinkster is lost on how to find the right kinkster. Also, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.
On the the gay trans man who isn't on hormones, hasn't had any gender confirmation surgeries, and presents femme and is frustrated because he's having a hard time finding gay men who'll date him (who called into the Savage Lovecast):
I just called in but like a moron I used an incorrect episode number. Anyways, I just wanted to point out that I love the show, but I was a little disappointed that you and Buck decided to spend more time ridiculing the caller instead of coming up with solutions.
1. Trans men can be gay... so why wouldn't the number one suggestion for a gay trans guy who is having trouble finding validation be to seek out other trans men? If anyone would embrace and understand this guy's struggle, it's them.
2. If you'd like a list of trans men to call on in the future who won't be problematic by intentionally misgendering the caller, I can provide you with that list. Kudos to you, Dan, for at least using a masculine pronoun which Buck apparently couldn't bring himself to do. I don't expect much else from someone who has publicly shamed phalloplasty results and humiliated other members of the community in other ways.
3. I absolutely love your show! That's why I was so surprised and taken aback by the response (and who you chose as "a representative of the trans male community") to this caller. Hormones, nor surgery is required to be valid. I do agree that realistically we can't expect cis gay men to be physically attracted to trans men especially if he is presenting female. I also agree that if a stranger encountered him on the street and accidentally misgendered him, he couldn't really complain too much.
However, if the caller has told you they are a trans man, it's on you to respect that designation. You do not get decide whether or not they have "begun transition" as your summary puts it.
Anyways, I promise I love your show and I know we all have different opinions and that's what makes the world beautiful, I just couldn't help but feel shitty for this caller. It took a lot of courage to ask what he asked and I feel like the "reality check" kind of turned into a bit of a pile on with no real solutions other than find a bi-dude (which again, you came up with , not Buck, and that was wonderful!!)
Thanks for writing in, and for including a list of trans thinkers, activists, and porn stars you'd like to hear on the show—we will be including some of those folks as soon as possible. We will also be having Buck back on the show. Buck has apologized for misgendering the caller—something he did not do intentionally—and you can read his apology here. We apologize for not catching it before the show was posted. In Buck's defense, it was a complicated question and a complicated and fast-paced conversation—we were talking about a trans man who hasn't transitioned medically/surgically/hormonally and presents as female and why gay men—even trans ones—typically aren't attracted to people who present female and the convo had us addressing the issue of being male but presenting female from multiple angles—and, yes, we offered solutions!—and we lost our pronoun footing there. But it was in no way malicious or intentional. We also offered some solutions for the caller, again, and listeners are always invited to phone in comments and additional advice for callers. As for phalloplasty, Buck isn't the only person in the trans community who thinks the results may not be worth the risks—there's a reason top surgery is more common than bottom surgery.
And as for your suggestion—the caller should seek out other gay trans men—I've given similar advice to bisexuals who've complained about how hard it is to date those awful monosexuals ("have you considered dating other bisexuals?") and asexuals who complain about how hard it is to date those awful sexuals ("have you considered dating other asexuals?") only to be told that those responses were biphobic and ace-phobic. So... if I'd given that advice, I imagine there would be similar complaints.
More on the Lovecast:
You described your opening monologue as a rant, yes I suppose it was. However I hope you never stop being so passionate and well informed about the injustices of anti-gay, homophobic, right wing nut jobs. I look forward to every Tuesday morning when I can listen to your very informative ideas and information. Your work is great and so necessary most especially now that we have these people in power. Trump may make America great again because so many people are protesting and becoming active against these creeps currently in office. Much admiration for your all work and your show.
If you enjoy my rants at the top of the "Savage Lovecast," you'll love me on Blabbermouth, the Stranger's weekly political podcast, which is hosted by Eli Sanders.
Um, yes, hello... Those women very much do exist. Hi, my name is E, and I'm a hairy AF pegging enthusiast. If those are seriously the only things you're looking for, I doubt it will be difficult to find once you put yourself out there. Keep in mind that rejecting one societal norm will usually come with a few more. Not giving a damn about what people think of you as an individual might mean no makeup and jeans and tees for the most part. So you should be prepared to look under the surface if necessary. You won't get everything you want, either. I'd be happy to peg you until you're a blubbering mess, but any kind of CNC is on my no-no list.
I'm a neatly groomed, tattoo-less, tweed-wearing college professor (well, adjunct). I'm also extremely kinky and poly. I put it all right out there on OKCupid, which is probably the best site for straight people: "Hello, I'm 6'2", muscular, fit, shaved head, and I want to hold a knife to your throat and fuck you."
Worked like a charm.
Recently ready your advice to the woman who was worried about bruises and cuts from BDSM play. Good advice, as always. But she also needs to give some thought about how those marks will be viewed should she ever find herself in a hospital ER. Someone is going to have The Talk with her about whether she feels Safe at Home. If her partner brings her to the ER, they will take him aside and have a Talk with him as well. If this happens unexpectedly, it can be disconcerting. I frequently have bruises on my upper arms and on my thighs from yoga arm-balance poses. The arm bruises in particular look disturbingly like grab marks. GGG boyfriend found this distressing. So, just in case, he took a couple of photos of me in crow pose and keeps them in his phone. Your BDSM fan may not want any photos. However, she can do what I have also done, which is advise my primary care doc of the cause of the bruises, so he could put it into my medical record. Love your column. Love what you do. Thank you so much for being a voice of reason out there.
To give a more explicit answer to her very practical question first ("Are there things we can try in the bedroom to simulate P&V to help tide him over?") Yes. Variations of the toys and frottage that Dan mentioned: (1) grasp a Fleshlight between her thighs and let him go at it, (2) lots of lube in the same area and he can simulate penetration between her pressed-together legs - in either case, they can gaze into each other eyes, he can look at and play with her tits, etc. Similar to PIV but without the P in the V.
I'm not hearing in the letter that they've tried anything besides PIV. Oral, anal, hand jobs? If he insists he needs PIV from someone else without exploring more options with her, he's not ready to get married - has he seized on it as an excuse to fool around? And that she hasn't gotten more creative "so he can find relief", suggests maybe she's not that keen on any kind of sex (at least with him) and but for her feelings of inadequacy, a future of no PIV and not much sex in general with him might be fine with her. Because she never says sex is something she wants.
If two adults can't/won't apply some creative problem solving to improve the situation and give one or both of them pleasure, that really doesn't bode well for a marriage in which challenges with no fun outcome (finance issues, home repairs, ill health, dirty diapers) arise all the time.
On wedding day fucking:
I discovered your podcast recently after moving to Seattle from Chicago and it keeps me company every day while I walk from Greenwood to Ballard to hit the gym. Thank you, very enjoyable. I also went to the HUMP! 2017. I've been working my way backwards through the podcast, so I'm down to around 2013, and I've heard two questions that were very similar and your response seemed to me to be missing an obvious solution. I thought I'd mention it in case it comes up again. The question was regarding folks who wanted to have sex on their wedding day, but didn't want to see each other before the ceremony and the movie Breaking the Waves instantly came to my mind. The newlyweds solved that problem in what seemed much more enjoyable to me than your solution of putting on blindfolds and groping around pre-wedding. Watch the movie, if you haven't. The whole thing is quite disturbing, but no more so than the ousted Prey video in HUMP! I think you'd enjoy it quite a bit. Dark, lots of sex and kinks.