The Trumpy Bear commercial as it happened in my living room
The Trumpy Bear commercial as it happened in my living room.

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It's 5:32 am Thanksgiving Day and the baby's up so we're up, too, and the living room is bathed in buttcrack-early TV light, the sort that makes everything feel kind of surreal and bizarre but that is absolutely necessary because anything brighter might over-stimulate the baby and keep us from getting her back to sleep. So when the commercial starts, we're paying so little attention that when we both look up, we think it's a joke or a clip from an SNL skit, because it's for a product so ludicrous that the notion of someone creating it is as unbelievable as the fact that there are people out there who will actually pay two installments of $19.95 (plus shipping) to own one.

I am referring to Trumpy Bear, and it's totally, unreasonably, appallingly real.

Of course, I didn't know there was already a (probably no longer stocked) Bernie Bear until one of my co-workers pointed it out today, and with this information, I should be less surprised.

From the voiceover [my comments in the brackets]:

"Trumpy Bear was born June 14, Flag Day. Just find the secret zipper, and pull out the flag blanket, then wrap yourself in the red, white and blue for comfort and warmth. [Because it's only disrespecting the flag when you're on the NFL and trying to make a statement.] Show your patriotism and proudly display Trumpy on Flag day. And on any American holiday. Trumpy can even honor your own family heroes. [Because buying a Trumpy Bear and propping him up in the middle of a shrine dedicated to a fallen military officer is the best way to honor him or her.]"

If I was to judge who the fuck is buying this thing based on the people represented in the commercial, it's retirees ("God bless America, and god bless Trumpy bear," says the old lady who holds him up in a half-hug), bikers and retired vets (the dude riding proudly with Trumpy on his motorcycle is both), and golfers ("He makes my golf game better, thanks Trumpy Bear!").

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My only consolation is that it doesn't seem to be meant for children.

Full two-minute commercial below.

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