Nothing much to add. Her parents have reached a situation that works for them all on their own. It's none of her business. LW should butt out.

"Leave them alone. Butt the fuck out. Mind your own business." Exactly.

DADDY, you seem really desperate to create drama where absolutely none exists. If you have unresolved issues about your parents or the state of their marriage, see a therapist and talk it out. If you really want to know about your mother's plans following the death of your grandparents - who you don't seem to be too concerned about yourself - keep your questions circumscribed to that issue. Don't go ask leading or open ended questions as a way to direct the conversation toward the state of your parent's relationship. Also don't be surprised if your mother shoots down the conversation, your asking about a time after her parents die, and that may not be something she wants to contemplate just yet.

I'm surprised Dan didn't mention: mum might be having some fun too but she might be better at hiding it. You already know more about your dad's sex life than you wanted to. Do you want to find out about mum's? I sure hope not, so let them live their lives.

LW, your parents are adults, they have the rights to conduct their lives the way they see fit as long as it's with consenting adults!

Go forth with your own love/sex life, stay out of theirs.

“It’s completely different to Americans, who all divorce each other the whole time”

I mean, I’m happy they worked out but these options may also work best when you’re the landed, titled gentry.

(Not that I think meddling is a good idea!)

I'm reminded of a line dropped by the Dowager from Downton Abbey. "...people like us are never unhappily married...in those moments, a couple is unable to see as much of each other as they would like.”

"P.S. Stay the fuck off your dad's tablet."

Srsly. Weren't you ever pissed at the parental units for snooping in your shit?

It really sounds to me like DADDY has some things to work through that are "only" related to recent events as triggers. Something (seems related to infidelity, but who knows) got him hepped up, and the appropriate thing to do is to take it to someone sane to talk it through. Doesn't have to be a therapist, but there are actually decent ones out there, assuming one has the money. (Don't be afraid to shop around - if you find you don't trust or for some other reason can't talk with a potential therapist, you're wasting time, money and misery.)

In any case, snooping for secrets about your parents that will make you unhappy is no way to go through life. Find a better hobby.

If LW got this information by peeking at Dad's gadget behind Dad's back, which is what it sounds like, LW has the absolute obligation to STFU. No questions of any sort to either parent, no hinting, no noodging about futures. LW has discovered what happens when you sneak over boundaries -- you find out things that make you uncomfortable and that pose ethical issues. The proper way to deal with this knowledge is to wrap it in heavy paper and put it in the trunk in the attic since LW can't now un-know it. If one or the other parent should decide to talk about the issues at some future date, the proper response is open and neutral - not, Oh yeah I knew that years ago. (P.S. - You mean "discreet" yearnings, LW.)

DADDY, if one of my adult children came near my phone to snoop at my communications, well. They know it's best to mind their own business.
Your parents are in their sixties, your mother is no longer sexually available to your father, he is then free to run his sexual life anyway he pleases.
Please, turn your mind away from their sexual business. Stop snooping and enjoy the times you have with each of them. And leave them to run their story, however weird it may seem to you. They still hang out, don't spoil that.

Thanks for kicking this letter writer in the ass.

Nosy adult parents who tut-tut and judge and play their "should" games with adult kids are deeply annoying. When the adult kids pull the same bullshit on their parents it is in a way worse---the moral superiority is more annoyingly pure, since the adult kids ostensibly don't have the power in the relationship, so their sincere disapproval can have this earnestness that's deeply exasperating and annoying.

I don't really disagree with the consensus here, but to be fair, according to the LW:

-When mum found the condoms, she went to all the bother of confronting dad about it;
-When confronted, the LW's dad went to all the bother of making up an obvious lie in case mum wanted to pretend to believe it;
-Mums decided to involve Daddy (the LW) in her parents' sex life by telling her about the condoms;
-LW's description that she saw the hook-up apps on her dad's tablet and that he probably knew that she did is suggestive that he was using the tablet in front of her or that she was using it in front of him, not that she was snooping (I have a bit more of a problem with the messages on the phone though).

So, it sounds to me like there is probably drama present that is not of the LW's making and the LW may not really be snooping (much).

I still think the LW should butt out though. The only response I would recommend to any of this would be when mums told the LW about the condoms, LW could have asked "do you care why he had them and, if so, why do you care?"

My parents no longer live together as my mum moved away a couple of years ago to care for her elderly parent. My parents see each other several times a year, mainly at holidays. They don't hold hands, they don't kiss, they hardly interact, they don't even act like friends, more like strangers.

Why does dad even have to justify condoms in his belongings?

Bravo, Dan.

I’m outraged!

@13, dcp 123.. dad is a dubious character and has been for a while by the sound of it.

The LW should shut it when talking to her mother, the past is another dimension now. And ask her dear mother, to also shut it around any sexual information about her father. She's not interested.
Then she has to decide how she feels about her father. Does she want him out of her life, because of his duplicity for so many yrs?
Then eject him out of her life.
If she needs to tell him what's what and clear this slightly incestous story wide open, then do it. Just with him.
What your father discloses to your mother Now, LW, doesn't concern you. Your father's sex life, doesn't concern either you or your mother.
You having all this knowledge of your father is the burden, then tell him. If it means your feelings for him are very ambivalent, then tell him.
How you came about this knowledge was very intrusive. Checking his phone and stuff. Why would you assume that right? Except to spy for your mother, perhaps. The woman who wants no sexual contact with him, yet still wants to control him.
Say your piece to your father, say nothing to your mother, then slowly step away from any more involvement in your parents private adult business.

@6 Yeah it bugs me when Dan drags out this quote because I'm willing to bet the Duchess of Devonshire never had to deal with the consequences of her husbands actions. She probably had teams of people whose sole job was the protect her from her husbands shitty behavior.

When you have to clean up the mess of cheating and alcoholism that changes things. When you can't fly away to another house, that changes things. When you don't have people discreetly hiding or fixing things you don't want to deal with, that changes things.

I am of course in kind of the wrong place mentally, if mum and dad have not had a sexual relationship for years I can see it being very justifiable for him and or her to seek other options. For what ever reason they don't seem to be too interested in a divorce and him having sex with males (if he is rather than just using the tools to masturbate to, a lot of straight men hang around at swinger sites responding but not playing and I'll bet the same is true with gay and bi sites and I'd guess when I was younger I had maybe a couple of dozen condoms bought in hopes that were never used...he might be hoping, kinda working up to playing or playing and it isn't really an of the LW's business to share or judge. Mummy might have felt that finding the condoms violated an unwritten contract between the parental units and mumsy was pulling his chain. A couple living apart by choice not due to job or some other factors should have some sort of method or agreement for "relief" if desired and as pretty much everyone feels it is none of LW's business to snoop or judge and she does not have anything approaching the full story from either of them much less both soooo back off!

Undead ayn rand...I thought at one point in English history that it was pretty much assumed that the better off didn't marry for love and hubby got to fool around from the start of the marriage (but wasn't supposed to bring anything home or leave a cake in another oven) and the wife could play after an heir and a spare. Seem to recall some writings on how complex it was assigning rooms for married guest couples at the country estates...you had to take into who was fooling around with who and the who the associated spouses were playing with to reduce the chances of couples bumping into each other at night as they were going to and fro from assorted lovers and friends and the assigned "married couple" bed. Had to have up to date information to make everyone happy!

" Seem to recall some writings on how complex it was assigning rooms for married guest couples at the country estates..."

heh. yes, I remember reading about it in Barbara Tuchman's' The Proud Tower' (a great book btw!)

@19: “Undead ayn rand...I thought at one point in English history that it was pretty much assumed that the better off didn't marry for love and hubby got to fool around from the start of the marriage”

Sure, both these things are true... but a terrible double standard as the woman was expected to still be chaste and suffered social outrage/loss of status if she attempted the same.

Also, most of us are not dukes or dutchesses. Alas, I am already married so no oppprtinities to become the landed gentry.

@20: I’ll look it up!