My only other advice to PS is that he should avoid the urge to go through a long recitation of all the facts he learned about Haley, and how he used that information to track her down on-line. PS will find less is more in his approach. Provide enough details about himself so that she can place him (in the event she was really drunk and doesn't remember the evening as clearly as PS), convey that he enjoyed their conversation, and end by asking if Haley might be free to get together.

And if you can't find her on social media, PS, then maybe she doesn't want to be found.

Or maybe she just has more sense than most people and hasn't bought into the social media data mining bullshit.

LW should definitely not tell any 3rd party about the reason for his inquiry.

Should LW exhaust his attempts to reach said person directly, he might consider a white lie... "Hi, I met Haley the other night and she had recommended some of your products, but I forgot to note what they were. She mentioned she worked for your company, so if she does and you could pass on my contact information I would appreciate it."

No embarrassment.

“That said, PS, I don't think you should send that email to her employer, as the possibility she might be embarrassed is high enough to make sending that email a flagrant display of bad judgment and bad judgment is a deeply unattractive personal trait. If you have her name, you should be able to find her on a social media platform — Facebook, Twitter, Instagram — and, if her DMs are open, you can reach out to her directly without involving her boss, coworkers, underlings, overlings, interns, etc. And if you can't find her on social media, PS, then maybe she doesn't want to be found.”

Yup. YUUUUP. Sometimes you just have to let things go.

@1: Or just friend request on Facebook and say “hey, we met at so and so” and gauge any other response (including asking out) on how she responds. If she responds coolly she may just end up a good friend, which wouldn’t be the worst.

What about doing it the old-fashioned way, i.e., picking up the phone and calling the company and asking for Haley? Is the LW afraid to do that, fearing in-person rejection? Because if he sends an email and then doesn't get a response, he can always comfort himself with all the usual rationalizations, only one of which is rejection. I'm mystified by the lengths to which both the LW and Dan are going to avoid using the most direct method available.

@3: Making it look like you’re hitting on the staff of a sex shop isn’t going to go over well. It’s a lie, it’s unnecessary, and she’s going to get an “is this rando okay” speech from her coworkers, where she’s going to respond “I’ve never seen this man in the store or talked to him about a product ever”.

@5: Because calling up someone at their job, the way they pay their rent makes them on the defensive and may make them feel unsafe.

This shit is what social networks are for.

Don’t fuck with their job.

@7 Isn't sending an email to the company fucking with her job even worse that placing a simple and polite phone call, since it involves at least 2 people (unless Haley is the one who also gets the over-the-transom emails)? She works retail, and a human sexuality retailer at that, not a hospital emergency room or some other environment where brief personal calls might be a problem.

Send the email!

Um - am I old-school here? Why doesn't he make a phone call to the company and asked to be connected to Haley? she probably has a phone line there..... Maybe he'll have to leave a message with the operator or on her voice mail, but that can be innocuous.

Emailing a company's general email would be weird.

Just saw @5 had the same suggestion - sorry for not seeing it before. It's no big deal to call someone once at their work; just keep it mellow, don't act stalkerish.

@8 “Isn't sending an email to the company fucking with her job even worse that placing a simple and polite phone call, since it involves at least 2 people”

They’re both terrible. If she wanted to give him her number, she would’ve.

Finding her on social media is much less invasive than calling her workplace and asking for her, and with a plausible deniability.

Facebook exists for this exact reason, to reconnect with people. And as the communication is asynchronous, if saves her the awkwardness of her trying to figure out who this rando is and why he’s making dates and having a personal conversation when she’s supposed to be working.

The fantasy of this being a perfect romcom reconnection is low and the likelihood of it being awkward because of his method of pursuit is high. Facebook won’t be any less intimate and it’ll be a fuckton less invasive.

Even if there was a spark and she liked the guy and would see him again, the vector by which he reconnects and how he frames it is still important.

It’s not “stalking” but you don’t know anything about her past dating, you don’t know about how she feels about talking to customers online, and you don’t know how she’s going to react if you ramp things up to where you left off (if she forgot, trying to force-jog her memory for her while she’s expected to be polite will feed back into her memories retroactively.)

Just send a damn private message.

I had a similar incident, although it was simpler - her e-mail was included in the group e-mail that the organizer sent out. The next day I wrote, acknowledging that I'd sniper her e-mail off the thread, and asked her out. She said yes, it worked out. It's kind of scary to admit that you got someone's contact info from non-traditional source (I remember, in college, being upbraided by a girl because I had mistakenly asked her identical twin sister for her number instead of her, but the twin knew I meant the other and rather than say "oh you mean Janet over there" just gave me the number) but it's a Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace moment.

It's an online store, but they obviously have an outlet in town. You could phone and say "may I speak to Haley please?" When asked if they can take a message, you say "This is PS [full name, first and last]. We met on this date, and I'd like to continue our conversation. Would you ask her to call me at this number?" If you really can't find a way to phone, send email with much the same message. Put Haley in the subject line, and say in the body of the message that you'd like to continue the conversation that was begun at this date and time. Provide your contact info. That's the most professional way to go about it.

Nothing wrong with that. The part of the letter that concerns me is getting quite so invested in a single person after a single night of talking, drinking, and cuddling. I haven't fallen in love like that since I was a teenage girl, and this is a 48 year old man. I hope PS knows that the most likely outcome, even if she calls him back and they make a date, is that they get to know each other when sober and discover that so much sparkle has worn off that they don't know what they flirted about. That's not to say it isn't worth going on that date, but don't be too terribly disappointed if it doesn't pan out.

May be difficult to find her online if she uses a pseudonym or unknown-to-PS variation of her real name on social media. If all else fails, try doing an online image search with the selfies from that night - she may have posted them somewhere, hoping that PS will find her (like a trail of breadcrumbs, or in this case, pub mix), or, they could be matched with her previously posted selfies, leading PS to her accounts.

Call me old-fashioned but there was a time when a bouquet of dildos from a gentleman admirer was considered a grand and romantic gesture.

- Matt Lauer (wasn't it?)

Since you live in a place that is warm enough for extended outdoor conversations after work end-of-year parties, safe enough to stand around outside a bar late at night without fear of violent crime, and enlightened enough for a person to feel safe telling someone who she just met that she works for an online sex toy retailer, there are probably lots of good potential partners in your area and you shouldn't get so hung up on one person who you don't even know very well.

Ugh. I just want to say don't get stupid drunk at company parties.

He's 48. If she's also 48, she may not have much or any social media presence.

Sure, try social media first. But if that doesn't work, go ahead and send a bland email to her employer. Just make sure it won't get her in trouble if she's dating the admin who reads it.

But there's nothing embarrassing about "Sometime met an employee and liked her enough to try to get in touch". It would have to be an awfully toxic workplace for her to get in trouble if you try to contact her there once.

I'd go with email rather than the phone, because if she doesn't remember you, or regrets the whole thing, a phone call should be really awkward. But she can dimly not rewind to your email in those cases.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, but show some class when contacting her. Something on the order of I met you (whatever night it was/outside of wherever it was), but it was rude of me not to give you my contact information or ask for yours. An oversight I regretted the next day. Please contact if you would like to continue our conversation. That should be neutral enough.

Search her by name on Facebook, Instagram, or whatever. Don't image search. If she doesn't pop up, you gotta let this one go.

soulcrusader @ 5 A phone call would not be a good idea since she did not give him her number. However, it is a good sign that she gave him her full name (apparently real since he was able to google her / there must have been a photo of her otherwise how would he know that he had the right person), exchanged selfies and told him something (if true) that I doubt most women would tell a complete stranger (i.e. she works for an online sex products store). It would be a very good sign if she posted her selfie to her social media page(s) I am amazed that he hasn't already searched for her on the major social media sites since he did google her. It would be the next logical step. That he hasn't done so makes me wonder if his letter is a fake

?

Not legally stalking but pretty stalky. If I were her getting his mail / voicemail at work, I would not be inclined to go near this fellow. Unless I happened to be as highly invested as he appears to be here, which has low odds.

I think making contact on Facebook is reasonable, as long as you *do not ask her out*. Provide her with the ability to contact you if she wants, and she knows how to use that.

Do you go to this pub? You could tip the bartender to offer her your contact info if they see her. Seems less thirsty since it stays within the original context. Note, then do not quiz the bartender if they've done it.

Soul @5: If Haley wants to, she can ignore the e-mail. Much harder to ignore the voice of someone who's on the other end of a phone call. Much more invasive and, yes, potentially threatening. Go with the e-mail.

Fichu @14: I'm sorry, but also somewhat envious, that you have a heart of stone! He didn't "fall in love"; he fell into attraction, and you know what, when you're 48 (or thereabouts) instant attraction and connection is a lot fucking rarer than it used to be. Remember that this was "after their respective end-of-year work parties." This time of year is highly emotionally fraught, and drives home to single people how much we don't wish to be.

Mother @19: Oi. She's 48-ish, not 78-ish. We GenXers started on MySpace while you Instagrammers were being potty trained. Now get off my lawn...

A single attempt at contact isn't wrong.

But this is a red flag:
"The part of the letter that concerns me is getting quite so invested in a single person after a single night of talking, drinking, and cuddling. I haven't fallen in love like that since I was a teenage girl, and this is a 48 year old man."
WTF, 48 year old dude? Are you sure you're seeing her as a human being and not some fantasy of the perfect woman? I guarantee she is not "The One", your soulmate, or any of that other trash.

Phone her at work, remind her you met her at such a place, ask if she'd like to meet again. If she declines, don't phone her again.

It's that simple.

While I do think a short e-mail though a social network is best, in the pre-social network era, I met an Australian woman while on the island of Ios in Aegean Sea. We spent the night dancing and talking, and hung out on the beach the next day. The following day, I left for Santorini and regretted not getting her contact information, notwithstanding learning that she was from Sydney and quite a bit about her life, including her employer and role. About a month after returning to New York, I called the main number of the Sydney office of her international company, and asked whether they could connect me with the a woman named "X" who worked in their marketing group. The receptionist knew exactly who she was and connected me. While she was surprised that I had been able to find her half way around the world, she was excited to hear from me too, and we spoke for more than an hour, and thereafter maintained a long distance friendship.

Game @26: Does she have to be "perfect, The One, his soulmate, or any of that other trash" for him to want to see her again? Did he say she was "perfect, The One, his soulmate, or any of that other trash"? No, he said she was amazing, that they had a great conversation, and that he felt happy being around her. I hope this is still an experience that 48-year-olds are capable of having. And if it is, damn right he should make an attempt to see her again. There's little enough joy in this world.

It's not the moments in your life that 'make or break' you. It's your life itself.

@5 Amen! I don't understand all these "just call the shop and ask for Haley" recommendations. I would be seriously creeped if someone did that. In fact, someone DID do that -- years ago when I was waiting tables -- and it was annoying (I was busy, you know, WORKING) and intrusive. Send a message to her Facecool or Twatter or whatever. Or, if you must, mosey into her store and act pleasantly surprised should she happen to be there (but for the love of god don't ask her co-workers if she's around). But don't put her -- and yourself -- on the spot with a phone call to her workplace.

Does no one use craigslist missed connections anymore?

@26 is 48 too old to have a crush? What's wrong with Stephen Getting His Groove Back?

@31: Seriously! I’ve looked up my crushes in ye olden daze, but it’s all in how you approach this chase. It’s not even necessarily what you do behind the scenes but how you approach the subject of your interest that will have the most impact on whether your interaction will be positive or not.

@32: Ah, screaming into the void. Missed Connections makes me sad, though the wistful tales can be sweet.

@33: I don’t think anyone’s ragging on the fellow for simply having a crush.

An e-mail to a shared account is a documented thing--a virtual paper trail.

A phone call is not. You might give the business a call and ask to speak with Haley. You might get voicemail, you might get her on the line, or it may not work. Also possible, they refer you to a different number, perhaps the office number for her particular job.

That's my suggestion, if Dan's social media searching suggestion doesn't pan out.

@34 "no one"? @14 and @26 seem to feel its inappropriate (did I say ragged? double checked - nope) for someone of his age to have the feelings he had.

If he knows where she works he could just turn up there at end of day. Face to face, and see if the buzz is real when they are not drunk.
Whichever way he goes, she'll know he tracked her down. Don't take flowers or dildos. Just him. Isn't this romantic?

Yes LW, I think it's romantic. However you proceed, be respectful of her response. I think you should meet her, not write. If she gets the email, it might freak her out thinking how you had found her. Seeing you, and she felt the same, then your reading of the initial transaction was correct.
I used to pursue men I was interested in, trusting I read the spark on meeting correctly. Not via the internet, so this guy needs to be very careful and very respectful.

Would DS change the ages of the people involved?

@36: They were a little concerned about the dizzying heights and “now or never”, not that he had a crush which was what you implied.

@37: It’s probably exciting for him, but “romantic” implies factors we don’t know, specifically how she felt about him afterward (especially considering the likely delay between the party and today.) I wish for the best, of course.

@38: Sometimes, yes.

It's romantic for him, undead.

Or how about sending her a good, old-fashioned snail-mail postal letter (friendly but polite) care of the company she works at? If you didn't catch her last name, then "Such-and-Such Co., Attention: Haley" should reach her.
I think she'd enjoy hearing from you, PS, and be flattered, and if you write a simple, gentlemanly "I'd enjoy continuing our conversation. If you would, too, here's my email address" that would not creep her out at all.
Long live romance and wonderful chance meetings!

Undead @34: Fichu and Gamebird (who quoted Fichu as her evidence of a "red flag") are indeed ragging on PS for having a crush. "I haven't fallen in love like that since I was a teenage girl, and this is a 48 year old man" is actually quite ageist, as have been a number of these comments. I'm unhappy to report that being fortysomething does not cure one of teenage butterflies.

Lava @37/@38: You're kidding, right? I don't care how well I'd got along with someone on our first meeting, showing up unannounced at my work would get him immediately branded a stalker and put on the permanent "block" list. PS has got the right idea with an e-mail: it's simple and easily ignored if she doesn't feel the same way about him.

NWN @42: Not a bad idea at all. And she is of the age that a personal snail-mail letter would be somewhat nostalgic/surprising in this day and age yet not something completely alien.

Not as intrusive as a phone call or turning up at her place of work. No need to do "stalkerish" things to find a personal email address/social media account. No time pressure. No electronic trail. I like it.

Of course, if you don't get a reply, that's it, just forget about her in that case.

Send her a small bouquet of flowers with a note (fondly remembering that night outside the pub, please contact me if you are interested in having a drink sometime) and your phone number. Then the ball is in her court. Don't keep harassing her if she doesn't respond.

Donny @45: I think we have a winner. Everyone likes flowers!

@46: Yeah, should be tough to take that too poorly.

I work for a company with multiple adult stores & an online presence, & we are specificallly FORBIDDEN to even acknowledge anyone's employment there. It prevents stalking, cold calls, exes trying to make contact, etc.