DAN.jpg

Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: A conventional man seeks an abusive relationship, a letter-writer wonders how to dispose of a blow-up doll, and a couple ponders going to a sex worker for their first first threesome. Also, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

On ableism:

Hi Dan! Long time reader, blah blah, the usual. Don't care if you've changed, keep it up, etc. Pleasantries aside, I just read the current column and one thing stood out to me. No, not something you said. What a writer said. And your casual acceptance is it. "Not Disabled, Not Lesbian, Not Typical" said, at one point: "I don't consider myself disabled; I am different than most people but not broken."

And let me say that it's very much non-consensual ball busting for someone to casually write off literally 1 in 6 people as "broken." As someone from the era when we were called "broken" (and much much worse) for not being straight, it's rather disquieting to watch you go along with such degrading, humiliating, DEHUMANIZING behaviour. Ableism is pervasive and systemic, just like homophobia. I don't have the privilege of a closet to hide in though. Internalized ableism is every bit as nasty and insidious as internalized homophobia. It took me years to get over hating myself for being "broken." I'm not broken though. Just like I'm not broken for sucking cocks, despite all the haters who say I am. I'm different, I'm valid, and my disability is just as much a part of my identity as anything else.

Seeing people dismiss me as broken bothers me. Seeing someone I look up to and admire, someone who truly understands the power of words, just casually accept it without thinking? That's disheartening.

Sorry about that, and thanks for writing in. And, no, you're not broken.

A different perspective on choking:

This has come up in the column a couple of times recently, and I want to weigh in. I apply fairly hard pressure to my girlfriends' necks all the time. (Yes, I'm poly — to quote Caligula, would that the people of Rome had one neck!) No harm, either in the moment or temporarily — it actually takes a lot of work to strangle someone to death, and erotic strangulation (with your hand, not frigging hanging them with rope Michael Hutchence-style) is harmless if you're attentive and know how. I've studied martial arts for years and been choked out myself. I think you're being needlessly alarmist.

I agree with Mistress Matisse and Jay Wiseman: choking is safe, and people shouldn't do it. People do do it, I realize, and live to tell the tale. That doesn't mean it's a safe thing to do — or an advisable thing in the sense that it's something I should advise people to do in my advice column.

On ying yin and yang:

I'm a long time reader and fan of your work. Reading the 12/18/17 letter of the day, I have some info to correct your sentence, "But even if you could find a punchy ying to your punching bag yang..." As a student and teacher of Tai Chi Chuan, it's YIN/yang (not "ying") and, it's the Yin side that is the more "passive" aspect, only not exactly passive in the D/s way you meant. Yin/yang refers to aspects of the natural world. Yin is characterized as slow, soft, yielding, diffuse, cold, wet, and passive; and is associated with water, earth, the moon, femininity, and nighttime. Yang, by contrast, is fast, hard, solid, focused, hot, dry, and active; and is associated with fire, sky, the sun, masculinity and daytime. (Since this is you, I will specify: The feminine/masculine words above, like the others, denote an aspect that can be applied to any gender, including those on the non-binary spectrum.) Yin/Yang together represents the duality of nature: opposite sides of the same coin. For example, there is no light without shade: when the sun shines on an object, it casts a shadow, but it's not a static condition— the sun moves, what was dark becomes lit, and vice versa. Love your work, keep it up, all the best, and here's hoping for a better world in 2018.

On men & sexual assault:

Not into your response about men not living in fear of sexual assault. Not only do men live with it, they are forced to hide or accept it. You’re normally pretty spot on, on this one you are off.
Here is just one reference.

Regarding TRAIN:

First, let me say thanks for your work over the years. I don't always agree with you, but I always appreciate hearing your thoughts. I've looked forward to your column every week for about ten years now. Second, I was really surprised today at your response to TRAIN. I mean, first I was incredulous that such an amazing sounding woman could actually be real, but then I was almost as surprised at your answer.

For a lot of modern history there's been a thing. You can call it a lot of names, but let's use Fundamentalism for now. Fundamentalists love to sit around judging and condemning what other people are doing. Not that I'm going to draw some false equivalence between TRAIN's actions and some of the other actions that fundamentalists have condemned over the years, but I think there is a common principle there: one person is saying "I get enjoyment from this" and some other person — the fundamentalist — is running over to say "no! you can't do that! that's evil!"

Normally I wouldn't expect to see you taking on that role.

I remember one day in highschool. We were doing group work and I was standing in the aisle, leaning over a desk. There was a girl, let's call her Jane. We weren't friends, but I knew who she was because she was one of the more popular girls in school. As she walked by me, she unmistakably reached out and grabbed my ass. A bit startled, I turned in time to see her walking away, and she half turned back, smiled, winked, and said my name. I tell you Dan, it was the best day of my life. I was a bit of a loser in highschool, and at that moment my self-esteem multiplied like a hundred-fold. I got confidence like the wind after that. I never talked with that girl again, and don't know what happened to her, but if I ever saw her again I'd thank her.

Now I'm 40 years old. I've been married for almost 20 of those years, and like most other mopey married white guys who write you, my wife isn't nearly as interested in sex as I am. Or, as you have said, at least not interested in having it with me! My biggest problem these days is being depressed as hell because I feel unwanted, and not just unwanted, but unwant-able — as if I'm just not the kind of guy that someone could ever want or find attractive. I mean, if my own wife doesn't want me, it stands to reason. So if I was on a packed subway someday, it's probably true that TRAIN would not go near me. But what if one day she did? I promise you Dan, that would be the second best day of my life.

The day that girl grabbed your ass was a good day — in part because it was the only time that happened to you in high school. It was anomalous. I think you'd feel differently about your ass being grabbed that day or generally if it was something that happened to again and again and again, on the street, at work, on public transportation, on airplanes, in restaurants and bars, in classrooms, etc.

Ahem:

I just want to say a really sincere thank you for all the work that you do. I am listening to episode 581 where you respond to the man who called in requesting that you make sexual violence a "person vs person" issue rather than a gendered issue and it was exactly the support I needed. I live in a small town and am challenged often by people saying similar things and I often feel like I am drowning in this #notallmen mentality. It's awful, because it invalidates the work/fear I put in and experience (and watch other women put in and experience) everyday. Again, just thanks, your work and words are extremely appreciated.

Another POV for ITALY:

I typically love your column and responses, but as a mental health professional it was pretty obvious to me that ITALY has an Avoidant attachment style, and this was something you didn't address in your response. He isn't drawn to lesbians per se, he is drawn to people who send out vibes that they are unavailable to him, because HE is emotionally unavailable to everyone. If he genuinely wants one of these relationships to work out (and maybe start with the one with his existing girlfriend) he needs to address his issues with emotional intimacy. If he doesn't care to do this, fine, but he at least could benefit from being more honest with himself and his partners about his unavailability for a monogamous relationship. He could possibly utilize this as a resource to learn more about himself: http://www.attachedthebook.com/ (no I am not the writer or in any way affiliated with this book).

And finally...



Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org!

Tickets to HUMP 2018 are on sale now! Get them here!