Who can forget this classic Simpsons moment from season four, episode 12?
Who can forget this classic Simpsons moment from season four, episode 12?

Oh, you think I'm making it up because everyone has one foot out the door for Christmas vacation? Feast your eyes on this:

One can only hope he has a pleasant stay.

But hang on just one quick second: If you think you are the first, or even among the first to make reference to the Monorail episode of The Simpsons—("Marge vs. the Monorail," S04E12 to be slightly more precise), which O'Brien obviously wrote and which has always been and ever shall remain one of the very best episodes of The Simpsons, although, in fairness, when was the last time you even saw a rerun of The Simpsons, much less a new episode from whatever season number they're on now, 100?—think again, pal:

Uh, yeah. And thats just from last night!
Uh, yeah. And that's just from last night!

Also, just kidding about the whole season 100 thing. They're really only on season 29.

But NOT just kidding about not having seen it for a long time. In fact, I think I'll take a short break from composing this Slog post and see if I can find a viewable copy of "Marge vs. the Monorail" somewhere close at hand, either digitally on the internet, or possibly at one of the excellent second hand DVD shops within easy brisk strolling distance of the Stranger's offices.

Can you hang on for a minimum of 22 minutes, though possibly considerably longer (if I have to walk over to Everyday Music or one of those other ones that I can't remember the name of, if they're even still there)? Actually, hang on first while I look up the names of those shops. They're on Broadway—one by the Buffalo Exchange and one further down, by Pagliacci. Something like Move or Groove? Wait, that's it: Groove! No, hang on, actually. It's spelled some funny, memorable way, like Grooooov or gruv, I think. Oh, man, I hope Google figures it out for me because I am NOT feeling very lucky tonight.

I must be some kind of idiot. Gruv hasn't been there for years. I guess I'm betting the house on Everyday Music. They've never let me down before, so here goes nothing!

Okay, I'm back. I actually wound up having to go home to look through some old boxes to see if maybe I already had the DVD set of season four, which I did, except—guess what: The box was completely empty! I had taken all the discs out and put them into one of those old Case Logic binders years ago. I wracked my brain trying to remember where the hell I'd put that old sleeve booklet (not to mention what else it contained) and then it dawned on me—are you sitting down? It was back at the Stranger offices, where I had brought it over a year ago to settle a bet with some millennial co-workers that those fabled sleeves full of CDs and DVDs really existed, except by the time I brought it in they didn't even remember that we'd made a bet and acted as though I'd made the whole conversation up, and actually, now that we're talking about it, I think I do remember thinking I overheard them laughing derisively in the stairwell at me, like I brought this big Case Logic booklet full of CDs and DVDs into work as a way of bragging about my amazing collection of CDs and DVDs, which I would NEVER do, not even 20 years ago. I mean, yes, I had a pretty big collection, but it wasn't like award-winning or anything. Just big. And yeah, I mean, I flatter myself that my tastes are decent, but it's not like I'm so deluded to think anyone would be especially impressed or amazed at the records and films I owned. As if ownership is the same thing as appreciation, you know? As if the art was somehow enshrined within the artifact in a way that conferred some kind of authorial grace on me, simply because I'd bought that stuff—or, to be perfectly candid, gotten a lot of it for free, actually. I've worked at newspapers as a music and film reviewer off and on for 24 years. That gets you a LOT of free CDs and DVDs. And my other main job has been as a rock'n'roll singer, and occasional actor. And those people get nothing but free stuff—even when you try to pay, people are like, "no, no, I insist." You feel weird refusing. Anyway, this is not to suggest I haven't also spent tons of money on records and films in my life. And books, too, for that matter. They completely dominate every physical space I have ever lived or worked in, and I feel a weird connection to the objects that also makes me feel a little ashamed. Not massively, but not insignificantly. If I had to quantify it, I'd say that whenever someone sees where/how I live, if they react with that kind of awkward, "whoa, that's a lot of books and records and films—don't you know about Netflix and Spotify and Kindle?" attitude—even if they say it with a laugh, I totally defer to their aesthetic preference and denigrate myself for having a childish attachment to things. I don't use the words "hoarder" or "packrat" because those are words for boring people. And if the people in question use either or both of those terms, it's not like I kick them out per se, but I definitely start eyeing the clock and sort of secretly willing them to leave. But oh, yeah! The sleeve! I found it in the office, kind of wedged between my desk and the wall, where I had hidden it after all my young co-workers mocked its existence and me for both having and maybe more to the point still having it. Months went by and everyone forgot all about it. Even me. Even I. Until just now, that is.

Anyway, I'm very pleased to report that the Simpsons episode in question is still very funny. Very funny, indeed. Leonard Nimoy, the Music Man reference, the song... It all holds up wonderfully.

Somehow I had it in my mind that the monorail one also had the guy who used to play bass for the Pretenders, but that was a different episode, from season five, "Homer Goes to College." Also written by Conan O' Brien, weirdly. Good old Simpsons.

Nice work, Mr. O'Brien. May you and your family enjoy a merry little Christmas here in the great Pacific Northwest.

(A word of advice, though: complaining about the traffic just makes you look like a rube now. Also, ixnay on the unge jokes-gray. Lastly, there's a lot of good coffee shops here that aren't owned and operated by Starbucks, so maybe think of giving one of them a try. Okay, great!)