Remember when Bill Clinton lost the nuclear codes?
Remember when Bill Clinton lost the nuclear codes? Getty

Just announced! Jon Bellion at WaMu Theater on 7/16/19. Tix on sale this Friday!

Local alleged domestic abuser apparently not a great guy: And shockingly, also has a thing for guns. The Seattle Times reports that after allegedly abusing his girlfriend, the suspect threatened to shoot himself and “blow up the whole neighborhood.” Seattle Police recovered “multiple” guns. There’s at least 15 pictured in SPD’s pictures of the recovered contraband.

Speaking of people who shouldn’t have access to deadly weapons: Donald Trump continued his pissing contest (no, not that pissing contest) with Kim Jong Un. Ever the size queen, Trump reminded the North Korean dictator about just how robust — and possibly girthy — this country's nuclear program is. Whether 2018 will end in hellfire and nuclear fallout remains to be seen but at least Freud would have a field day.

As if to reassure the public that nuclear war isn’t that easy: It seemed every news outlet under the sun was quick to clarify that Trump doesn’t really have a “nuclear button.” It’s called the “football” because what the fuck else would America call it? Life is weird enough, let’s go with it. This “football” is actually a 45-pound briefcase — toss the pigskin, dad! — carried by one of five military aids at all times around the President, a dedicated O-Line (maybe?). According to the New York Times, it contains the instructions for the mother of all Hail Mary passes—you know, inciting nuclear war with the “900 nuclear weapons that make up the American arsenal.” However, all Trump needs is the code he’s supposed to carry on him at all times to verify his identity which is — a departure from the football lingo — called “the biscuit.” What really butters my biscuit is how good ol’ Bill Clinton lost the code for several months without telling anyone.

(Disclaimer: Also about nuclear war) The authorities have been alerted: And they, meaning our venerable overlord Jack Dorsey and his at-one-point-fun-site-turned-Black-Mirror-episode-realized, aren’t doing anything as usual. According to the Hollywood Reporter, obviously the best place to get a hard-hitting story, people en masse — including some Hollywood elites! — mashed the “report this tweet” button on Trump’s incendiary tweet to no avail. Pushing the globe that much closer to nuclear war apparently isn’t in violation of the terms of service.

CUT TO: INT. SHARED KOREAN BORDER VILLAGE OF PANMUNJEOM: North and South Korea, both disgruntled, both (begrudgingly?) agree to reopen a communication hotline. The Olympics are coming up in South Korea, and North Korea is angling to send a team. The communication channel is key for these dialogues despite a year of nuclear threats and demonstrations from North Korea which, let me tell you, did not please South Korea or its U.S. allies.

Bannon’s been busy: A new book, “Fire and Fury” — catchy— seen by the Guardian, tells of Donald Trump Jr’s meeting with a group of Russians in 2016 as “treasonous and unpatriotic.” The whole Russia-treason-drama and the ensuing Mueller investigation has everything to do with money laundering, Bannon says. The little Breitbart troll says he’s not a witness, won’t be involved, but almost gleefully, utilizing a topical hurricane metaphor, says the administration is “sitting on a beach trying to stop a Category Five” in regards to the investigation.

In the meantime, make sure to arrange your plus ones: To the first annual “THE MOST DISHONEST & CORRUPT MEDIA AWARDS (sic).”

The name is clunky, everyone knows, but what can you do? The media these days, I swear. But, sources say it’s expected to have a Huge turn-out, a real who’s who of the fake/failing/corrupt/etc news media. In light of this recent tweet storm, it seems neither the media, the general public nor the 1.5 million Puerto Ricans still without power can get any shred of relief from Donald Trump. Why not donate to Puerto Rico and then cast your votes:

Maybe the Mormons know something we don’t about the fate of the world in 2018: The Church of Latter Day Saints’ president since 2008, Thomas S. Monson, of the Church of Latter Day Saints died last night at age 90. Depending on how good he was, his soul will either end up in paradise or spirit prison. He increased the number of female missionaries but wouldn’t let them get ordained as priests despite demands. Also, he wasn’t super cool about same-sex marriage. Jury’s out on Monson’s soul so we’ll leave that one to God. Meanwhile, don’t miss the Book of Mormon at the Paramount theater from now through Jan. 4.

Former Seattle Times president also passes: Mason Sizemore, 76, not to be confused with Monson (the Mormon), collapsed at the Fiesta Bowl on Saturday. He died in the hospital on Dec. 31. He was at the helm of the Seattle Times for nearly 40 years and saw the paper through a period of transition that resulted in its continued success.

Hey, aren’t we over due for that Cascadia Quake?: Who could forget that New Yorker article about how Seattle is pretty much doomed when the big one hits? Well, keep it close by maybe. Last night there was a cluster of small earthquakes, the Seattle Times reports according to the Pacific Northwest Seismic Network. One 3.9 magnitude quake hit followed by 14 smaller ones. Oh, and it was right near Mt St. Helens. Maybe every Seattleites’ New Year’s resolution should be to brush up on earthquake preparedness and to stop texting while driving.

Can Amazon please just enslave us already and get it over with?: Rumors are circulating that Amazon is planning another takeover after it Hungry-Hungry-Hippo’d Whole Foods last year. The next victim to be absorbed into the Bezos empire? Target. According to GeekWire, Gene Munster, a former analyst (confirmed) and the possible soothsayer (unconfirmed) who predicted Apple’s success, now says Target will be acquired by Amazon in 2018. Valued at $36 billion with 1,834 stores, Target would bolster Amazon’s offline retail presence. UW management professor Sureth Kotha isn’t sold on the idea, not convinced that Amazon would “jump from acquisition to acquistion,” Kotah said in reference to the Whole Foods deal. But who knows, if anyone has the balls to takeover another retail giant, it’s Bezos.