Oh, the horror.
Oh, the horror.

THE MYSTERY OF IRMA VEP – A Penny Dreadful, playing Feb. 8-26 at Intiman Theatre
Laugh till it hurts at this outrageous camp comedy the NYTimes calls “Wickedly funny!”

Anti-gay right-wing evangelical "Christian" looooonatick Linda Harvey sat down with my old pal Peter LaBarbera, the country's premier anti-gay looooonatick, and had a little chat about all the sick, sinful, sex-crazed predatory gays out there (sigh) "recruiting children" into the gay lifestyle via GSAs. Harvey and LaBarbera both backed Donald Trump — of course they did; the entire evangelical movement backed Trump — and, oh hey, here's Trump attempting to recruit a 14-year-old girl into the creepy-old-heterosexual-men-with-barely-legal-girls lifestyle. They both backed Roy "Man of God" Moore in Alabama who not only chased high school girls, he literally chased one girl into her high school. Not a week — not a day — goes by that we don't hear about some high-profile preacher or leader on the religious right getting busted for child porn or child rape — or regular old rape rape. (There's even a hashtag: #ChurchToo.)


The two lamented that homosexuality is now widely accepted in America, with Harvey voicing her alarm that it is even welcomed in public schools where “predators” are allowed to use LGBTQ clubs to target children for recruitment.... "How do we re-horrify people about the sin of homosexuality?” she wondered. “People are becoming so comfortable with this, even people on our side. We need to re-horrify them.” LaBarbera agreed, saying that society must be taught to “respect God and God’s values again” if there is to be any hope that America will one day “recover that sense of awfulness” about homosexuality and similar sins.

It used to be easy for people like Harvey to horrify straights. For centuries—for millennia—they only had to point to a couple of clobber passages in the Bible. They keep repeating those passages to each other (and screaming them at us), of course, but when they had to come up with a more secular rationalization for their hatred, they went with poop. And it worked! For decades, all they had to say was "They put their pee-pees in each other's poopers!" and that was enough. They still say that; they obsess about it. But lots of straight people put pee-pees in each other's butts too — both the flesh-and-blood and strapped-on varieties — and lots more straight people are honest about that now. (And lots of gay people don't put pee-pees in their butts.) Anti-gay Christian bigots used to horrify believers by herding them into church basements to watch footage from gay pride parades mixed in with graphic clips of extreme gay porn — gay men beating each other, pissing on each other, fisting each other — and that was pretty reliably horrifying back when straight people could pretend that other straight people didn't do and enjoy the exact same perversions. (It's hard to argue that the gay sex acts are uniquely sinful adventurous after you've caught your straight spouse watching DP/ATM/Femdom/BBC/gangbang porn on multiple occasions.)

Anyway, I feel kind sorry for Harvey (not really) — I mean, something that used to be easy (horrifying the straights) is much more difficult now. Poor Linda is having to work harder then ever to convince the average straight person that the gays are poop-smeared child molesters that they should be afraid of. (Not to be confused with gun-toting, God-fearing child molesters that they should vote for.) Since straight people now know that there really isn't anything gay people do that straight people don't also do (oral, anal, WS, SM, DP, CBT, etc.) — and since telling straight people that the gays have lots of crazy sex is a likelier to instill feelings of jealousy rather than horror — Linda is gonna have to point to something else. Something uniquely gay and uniquely horrifying.

I've been racking my brain but this was the best I could come up with. If Peter doesn't do it for Linda, maybe she could try reading aloud from my collection of pre-Stonewall gay pulp porn novels? They never fail to horrify me...

"Paul's eyes grew wider and he gave an audible gasp as the clothing hit the floor. Margaret, all the while, smiled lustily at him, breathing heavily through her hot, parted lips. Paul's hot mouth was blazing a path beginning at Margaret's feet, upward slowly and deliberately, leaving a wet, hot trail which glistened and reflected in the firelight as she moved her body slowly. Paul felt his man flesh harden and he couldn't stop it."
Hard-On the Saddle


If you have a better suggestion for Linda than Peter Thiel or pulp porn novels, leave in the comments.