For those chomping at the bit to read Fire and Fury, Michael Wolff's literary soap opera about the first year of the Trump administration, your wait is over, because the blockbuster controversial book is on sale NOW. The Stranger has a story about where you can purchase the book, but screw that—I'm already thinking about who I'd cast in the inevitable film version of Fire and Fury. Here are my 100 percent on-the-nose suggestions, you're welcome, and any Hollywood mogul who would like to hire me as a casting director can reach me here.

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Donald Trump = Cate Blanchett. Before you disagree, let me remind you that you're usually wrong about most things, and yup! You're wrong about this, too. Besides the fact that Cate Blanchett is AH-MAY-ZING and has successfully played men on film in the past, the events depicted in Fire and Fury are so bat-poop NUTS that you need an actor of the highest caliber to portray the biggest fucking clown America has ever elected president. (Man, that was a really good explanation! I'm doing extremely well at this so far.)

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Steve Bannon = Philip Seymour Hoffman. BEAR WITH ME HERE. I fully realize that Philip Seymour Hoffman is dead. However, even a dead Philip Seymour Hoffman can beat the pants off any current living actor in this role, and you know I'm right. Besides, can't those Hollywood CG guys make a Philip Seymour Hoffman hologram like they do in the Star Wars movies? If they can't, and dead Philip Seymour Hoffman isn't available, Steve Bannon could also be played by a moldy, hollowed-out pineapple. (Guys, I'm killing this so far! But hold your applause, I'm not done yet!)

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Kellyanne Conway = Jared Leto. Actually I kind of hate Jared Leto, but I love his commitment to his craft. Kind of like when he played the Joker and sent his castmates used condoms and dead animals, I bet Leto would put a mop on his head and go on CNN every day to say ridiculous lies to Jake Tapper. (I could've done better with this, but I still think I'm pretty great overall.)

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Jared Kushner = Steve Buscemi. Anyone who thinks that Steve Buscemi wouldn't be fucking PERFECT as Jared Kushner is a fucking idiot, and I don't want to talk to you anymore, so go read something else. (If you'd like to agree with me and tell me what a great job I'm doing with this list, please write me here.)

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Ivanka Trump = Ivanka Trump. Again, another example of my casting brilliance. Sure, you could get any number of brilliant actresses to play Ivanka, including Natalie Portman, Margot Robbie, or Rebel Wilson, and if I casted them, they'd be great. But once again, this movie needs to be grounded in REALISM—so who better to recreate the soul-chilling, dead-eyed gaze of Ivanka Trump than Ivanka Trump herself? Besides, once she gets out of prison for obstruction of justice she'll need the money. (BOOM! Once again, I pick up the spare.)


Reince Priebus, Mike Pence, Sean Spicer, and Melania Trump = Justin Bieber. Well, I mean, c'mon. You're not going to cast Justin Bieber as Trump, right? And he's got to be in this movie somewhere. "But... but...," you haplessly sputter. "Justin Bieber doesn't even ACT!" You are correct. He doesn't act. He LIVES. His soul is filled with spiders, rotten baby romaine, and the tears of your dead grandparents who are so very ashamed of you. He'd be perfect as Priebus, Pence, Spicer, and especially Melania because they're both convinced the world owes them a living. (Thank you, I am right, and please send all accolades—or cease and desist orders if you're the Trump administration—here.)