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A year ago I started a FWB situation with a friend's BF, a poly dude. About a month in his GF of two years, my friend, moved to another city and into an apartment with her other BF. Dude & GF stayed in touch and saw each other occasionally when in the others' cities. Meanwhile, I saw dude every 4-5 days for a while. I wanted a more poly BF/GF sitch but he wasn't interested and said he was still processing his GF moving away. My heart was hopeful but my brain knew people rarely change their feelings for someone after their feelings have settled.

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A couple of months ago he met a new woman. They fell fast for each other. We saw each other less. I was hurt and jealous but I dealt with it. It was the risk I took by having the relationship, so it was my responsibility. Dude was understanding and I was impressed. I saw my other casual partner more and started looking outside for something serious.

Today his GF, my friend, asked if she could talk to me. She said she'd finally saved up the money to come back to the city where we live for a weekend — a big expense for her — but when she'd talked to her BF about it he said he mixed up the dates and now has plans with his new woman. He offered to spend time with her around his plans, but his offer of just Friday and Sunday nights seems measly to me. He says it's hard to spend time with new woman because of her work but he can spend time after this weekend!

This is a bit of a red flag for me. I see "poly" dudes neglect pre-existing partners when they meet new ones, almost in a way that seems designed to anger the pre-existing partner into breaking it off, so they can then devote all of their time to the new partner while feeling okay about not being the one who broke things off with their previous partner. Since the pre-existing partner knew they were poly from the start, it's the pre-existing partner's responsibility if they have feelings.

I know that the dude had a partner when he first met my friend, now his GF, and that she possibly left because she felt neglected. But I gave the benefit of the doubt when I learned this because I just didn't know enough about the situation.

Are my instincts right, Dan? Is not putting off the new woman to spend time with his GF shitty on his part?
Doesn't he owe more to three years than three months?

I won't see him until after this weekend, Dan, but should I say anything when I do? And if so what? Part of me wants to call him out. Most of me wants to stay the fuck out of the potential drama. I feel bad being friendly with him when I think he's being a dick to my friend. Should I just back out of this whole situation gracefully?

Finding Love A Grind

Maybe dude is playing, as they say, but it seems to me that [deep inhalation] a guy with a partner at home and at least one FWB we know about (that would be you, FLAG) and a GF in another city (where she lives with her other BF) who doesn't also have an executive secretary keeping track of his schedule is at high risk for double- or triple-booking himself. Dude could be manipulative shit who's lying to his out-of-town GF (OOTGF) about when he made plans with his shiny new GF — an out-of-town GF who "possibly" moved away because she felt neglected (nothing manipulative about that!) — or he could have thoughtlessly exceeded his romantic bandwidth and unintentionally found himself in a situation where he had to cancel on someone.

But you're right, FLAG: people will sometimes make themselves unpleasant, unavailable, or even unbearable in the hopes that their partner(s) will end the relationship — they want out, they don't have the balls ova to end things themselves, they words say one thing (everything's fine!) and their actions say something very different (get out!). That shit isn't an exclusively straight male thing or an exclusively poly thing — men do it, women do it, queer people do it, straight people do it, monogamous people do it, open/poly/monogamish people do it. Some people would rather be the (supposedly) heartbroken dumpee than the (supposedly) heartless dumper. It's not always a conscious thing, FLAG, but it's always an incredibly annoying one.

All that said, FLAG, your friend, who has more than one partner herself, announced she's coming to town and her BF, who also has more than one partner, has plans with his new/newest GF that he doesn't want to cancel. That sucks. But your FWB did offer to spend two out the three nights she's in town with your friend/his OOTGF — Friday + Sunday = 2/3 of the weekend — and that seems like a reasonable compromise to me. Your friend/his OOTGF could spend two nights hanging out with him and one night seeing you and other friends. If your friend feel like she isn't being prioritized the way she should be, she has the option of staying home with her other BF and saving her money.

And finally, FLAG, none of this is really any of your business. As a human being and an observer, FLAG, you are entitled to your opinion and you can, like an advice columnist, share your opinion with your FWB if he asks for it.. But I don't think you have a regulatory role to play here — and you're hardly an unbiased observer/regulator. You're not only fucking the dude, FLAG, but the dude rejected you. You were hoping for something more serious and romantic and he was obviously open to that, but not with you. Even if you're capable of setting your own personal involvement/hurt aside, your still wouldn't be the best messenger. Be a sounding board for your friend/his OOTGF, but otherwise make like Jeff Sessions and recuse yourself.


Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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