Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up


Noted, street harassment > not asking.
As a grandmother who was forced to wait for my youngest to turn five before I was /allowed to be sterilized, even though birth control pills gave me migraines, and whose daughter likewise fought for the right to implement her decision when she decided that one was enough, and who is anticipating similar battles in the next generation, the criticism for episode 583 is spot on.

Women are not allowed to choose to be sterilized unless they meet the criteria that the male-dominated medical profession imposes on them. That needs to stop. ANYONE who changes their minds after sterilization is faced with the same consequences and the same options; women do not need to be "protected" from what they choose to do with their own bodies. Ever.
re #583; I am very curious to what's the, uh, upright perspective: "Women shouldn't be expected to take care of birth-control by themselves - it takes two to tango!" vs. "Women should be empowered to take charge over their reproductive outcomes, rather than be told to rely on some man to do it for them".

Both statements, separately, would gather an equal number of Yasses on jezebel; but they're diametrically opposed opinions.
There's a non-surgical female sterilisation method and the commenter didn't provide the link!?

Sterilisation generally isn't recommended because it's far more invasive than a vasectomy, and for that reason, most doctors won't perform it as an elective procedure, particularly if you are under a certain age (ie the age when you could possibly get pregnant, because every woman eventually "changes her mind", cue massive eyeroll). Dan, please e-mail this person back and get her to give us the info!
Yeah, I'm in the UK and I've always wanted to be sterilised, but I can't get it done. Even a woman I know who's had three abortions (and keeps asking for it) can't get it done. I've got an IUD now which will last until I'm 45.

I would just mention in Dan's defence though that female sterilisation has been more difficult and expensive than vasectomy. I don't know about this non surgical option, maybe it's new?
Oh, BDF and I were obviously typing at the same time. Jinx!
Looks like the nonsurgical option is a no-no for now:…
Lovecast 583: I didn't hear it all so I am not sure what else was said, but the difference between a cis woman having a tubular ligation (a PERMANENT sterilization for women equivalent to a vasectomy) and the guy having a vasectomy, is that a TL is a day in the hospital under general anesthesia and several days of recovery and a vasectomy is an hour in the doctor's office and a few hours recovery.
How you get crabs from a blow job is what I want to know.
I recently went to my first kink party and TOOFAST and this response made me appreciate how excellent a situation I found. Newbies had to go to a 90 minute orientation in which they made sure everyone knew the rules and talked about consent, safety, more consent, more safety, and then even more consent. The people running the party literally said “If some one reapproaches you after you’ve declined them, tell us and we will kick them out. If someone makes shaming comments about your body or what you are or not wearing tell us and we will kick them out. If someone tells you you can’t come to a party and not play or that you have to do something with them because they’re a big deal, tell us and we will kick them out and blackball them from every venue in the state. We keep lights on and doors open at all times and a dungeon monitor who knows what something bad happening looks like who can shut the whole thing down.” I was super impressed and felt incredible safe and comfortable. More safe in comfortable than in many places where people are fully clothed and not being publicly flogged. ;)
I am fine with letting OS men and women set the standards for OS consent, but SS consent is sufficiently different to deserve it own rules. OS consent could well require primarily female input, which is all the most reason the same system shouldn't regulate MM.
Re: "Women shouldn't be expected to take care of birth-control by themselves - it takes two to tango!" vs. "Women should be empowered to take charge over their reproductive outcomes, rather than be told to rely on some man to do it for them".

Sportlamdia suggests that these are diametrically opposes and asks for another perspective. Try this for size: Everyone benefits from birth control, everyone benefits from taking responsible ownership of their own outcomes (whether that’s [not] bearing a child or [not] being on the hook for child support) and be willing to help with their partner’s, and no one should be denied sovereignty over their own body.
@9 the husband has a beard and was the one giving the non-reciprocal BJs.
I got Essure in June 2012. It's outpatient, permanent, and has never given me any trouble. It wasn't the most comfortable I've ever been; they feed a laparoscopic camera into your fallopian tubes to implant copper coils that cause scar tissue to form and seal off the egg-factory, and I did feel some discomfort. But no hormones, no side effects, and no complications (for me, anyway.) Also, no regrets! And no babies!
MissPiggy @7: Quelle surprise :(

Ricardo @9: Good point. A beard and an immediate previous blowjob perhaps?

Anathema @10: This chimes more with my experience of the BDSM scene than the experiences described. I think they were just UNlucky.

Katezee @14: And you were lucky! Yay for you!
Thank you @12, Calyx. Sportlandia, how could you think they were mutually exclusive?
If a woman categorically doesn't want children, that is very different to a woman wanting children, just not yet. Either way, she has complete agency over her body, and any man, decent man, needs to respect that.
What is with the medical mob telling women they can't be sterilised until whenever. Now that I can look back, having babies is a big fucking deal. If a woman doesn't want to engage in that sort of work, yeah. If she does , also yeah.

Reading about this kid who went to a public school that tried to stop bullying and as a teenager had parents who could afford an alternative high school makes me feel so bitter.
TLC @18: :'( I'm sorry you, too, had to endure bullying. "Best days of one's life," bullshit!
I agree with one of the LWs, Esther Perel's book is great. Sharp and non judgemental insights into the mess human couples plus others, can get into.
I started asking about a tubal at 17. Took me 7 years, a threat of litigation, and mandatory counseling. And even then the (male) gynecologist insisted I would "change my mind" as I got older. It's been almost 30 years and I've never wanted to get pregnant. Wish I could find the old dude and point that out. Being either young or female does NOT mean you can't have made a permanent decision!
Aeronwi @21: My only regret in life is that I did not make cash bets with everyone who told me, "You'll change your mind." My mother recently said that I was about eight or nine when I asked her if I "had" to have kids. Nearly four decades later and I've not for one moment been anything but happily and decidedly child-free.
@3, 4: This.

Honestly, male surgical sterilization is just a simpler, easier procedure on account of the gonads not being inside the abdominal cavity. It's easier to reverse, should this be desired, and there's less risk of serious sequelae. (I strongly suspect that it's cheaper too.) If a woman has multiple male partners, it might make sense for her to get her tubes tied. But in a monogamous opposite-sex relationship, vasectomy should be the preferred option in the vast majority of cases. Screw your hand-wringing about the implications for gender politics; go with the procedure with less risk.
LW8, a few hours of recovery? You obviously haven't had your nuts cut. A few days on the couch and light duty. Ice packs at night as your sleep. Might not be general surgery, but it ain't like having your teeth cleaned either.