This March will be my three-year-anniversary at my job with Papa Johns. I started as a driver and now am a manager. The entire time I’ve been there I've been heavily and emotionally involved with this guy who doesn’t identify as gay or bi. In the beginning, when we first started to get to know each other, the topic came up and he said he wasn’t so sure if he was committed to the idea of being with a woman. Slowly, over these three years (my fear is) our own neuroses have dissolved any true potential of a future with him.
The thing is... well, there are multiple things.

Thing 1: We’ve had fights. But we always got over it. We were always able to come back to each other, work it out, and move on. However, I worry maybe that is only because we worked together.

Thing 2: I left that store earlier in January because of a conflict with the general manager. The GM and I had also been close but strictly as friends and coworkers. But the GM is very relaxed and I never was happy there. I ended up resenting the GM, we got into an argument, and then I ended up transferring stores. Part of the reason I stayed for so long was that it was my only connection to this man.

Thing 3: Our relationship was strictly emotional. The closest physical contact we had were hugs. He is a 29-year-old virgin. He has never even kissed a man or a woman. Having said that he also doesn’t own a cell phone (which I love about him) and he is not social at all. As a matter of fact, I remember when I first started to work there, there was this joke amongst all the employees that "Cornelius" (the guy I’m in love with (that isn't his real name)) has to be home by the time the sun goes down. Also, he still lives with his parents.

Long story short: I left that store on a Friday by means of this argument with my GM. That Sunday I went to visit Cornelius. I told him I wanted to see him because I no longer work there and won’t be seeing him as much. I also told him that this was a good thing for us because we need space. Cut to the next Friday. I called him at the store to ask if he could give me any info on the meeting I was supposed to be having with my GM that day. He seemed so cold. He just kinda shrugged me off so I let it go. I was in shock but I let it go. For a day.

I didn’t understand why I was getting this sense of being pushed away so I called him again the next day just to test the waters. I did it under the guise that I am lightheartedly calling to just say hi and I miss him. Really I was checking the temperature so to speak for coldness and it was the same short, dismissive response so again I brushed it off mostly out of shock but also out of the fact that I don’t want to be that same clingy guy I’ve known myself to be. The only difference was this time I made a point to tell him I miss him, I’m thinking of him, and I love him.

Later that night—after a few drinks and a good conversation with a friend I trust—I reached out to him one last time via email. I told him I understood how I could have been confusing by saying I wanted space then calling him the next week. I also told him that I freaked out and thought that because I lost my job there I lost him as well. I said if me having a human moment pushed him away then I wish him good luck in the future and that I will still be here sending love his way.

That was the last time I’ve contacted him to this date, exactly 2 weeks and 1 day ago.

What gives? He was supposed to be my best friend. We use to make jokes and mock our GM’s laziness and now Cornelius has seemingly chosen our GM over me. How could this happen? Why?

I suppose the only reason I am being so critical of him and asking these question is because now that I don’t work at that location anymore I don’t see him anymore. We never hung out outside of work even though I tried many different approaches over the years. The only other connection we had aside from the store was emailing. We grew so close through emails and our connection at work... or so I thought. I mean I know he was there with me at some point but I fear I lost him.

Speaking on the five love languages... he is not a big physical person nor does time really matter to him. He’s more stoic and waspy than that. I love him though. I love all the ways he’s incapable of showing love and being open yet he tried with me.

In these emails and in person we would frequently tell each other we loved each other and I believed him and he believed me. Did we mean it? I thought we did. But the emails slowed down and we stopped saying I love you to each other. I occasionally would still tell him but he stopped saying it back.

The pullback came from a fight we had, a fight we would always have, involving me putting pressure on him to go out to a movie with me or to call or email me more. I know my fault in this. If he wasn’t meeting my “requirements” for a healthy, loving relationship I should have moved on. But that is something that is wrong with me. I never want to do the “hard work” and put myself before others... look at myself in the mirror and be confident and happy with the person I see staring back at me. I want/wanted everything to fall in my lap. I have been so delusional for the majority of my life because of where and how I was raised. I never wanted to accept reality and I always ended up in my own head.

I don’t know if it’s the medication I started taking 3-4 months ago for anxiety or the fact that I stood my ground with my GM even though I didn’t go about it the correct or professional way but I finally feel more self-realized and self-actualized. I’m ready to put in the hard work to better my career, my future, and my life.

It’s been two weeks since we spoke and I want to surprise him around Valentine’s Day and show up at my old store when I know he’s opening and will be alone. I want to give him a gift and let him know I’m still here and I love him. I want to tell him I haven’t contacted him this whole time to prove to him that I’m not the usual overzealous guy he used to know. I am 99.9% sure I will do this but I am also telling myself he could continue to pull away and this great romance I thought we had is dead.

Whether or not we are “soulmates,” the reciprocity has shined the light on the fact that I do deserve love. I understand it may not be with him but I want to try. I should try again, right?

Return Interest, Please!

Imma be blunt.

Nothing about showing up at someone's workplace on Valentine's Day when you know they're going to be alone says, "Hey, I'm not the overzealous, overbearing guy you used to know!" It says the opposite. It all but screams, "I am incapable of taking the not-so-subtle hint(s) and moving on!"

So the answer to your question would be "no," RIP. No, you shouldn't try again.

Cornelius may have loved you once — at least as a friend and he may have been open to your friendship blossoming into something more (or not; dude could be straight or asexual) — but not only doesn't he feel however it was he felt anymore, RIP, we can determine the precise moment he stopped having whatever those feelings were for you. Scroll back through your text messages and/or emails. Find the first time you texted or emailed, "I love you," to Cornelius and he didn't respond with an, "I love you, too." That was it, RIP. Okay, maybe that wasn't the precise moment whatever it was ended — it usually takes a person some time to screw up the courage to stop saying "I love you" to someone — but that's definitely when Cornelius first let you know it, whatever it was, was over.

Would it have been better if Cornelius had told you it was over in clear and unambiguous terms? Yes, absolutely. But he's not a very social person — virgin at 29, no cell phone, lives with his parents — and like a lot of not-very-social people, RIP, he's not a great communicator about his feeling or anything else. But he's since let you know in a hundred small ways that he doesn't want to have you in his life anymore. He was cold the last two times you got him on the phone. He didn't respond to your email or two weeks and one day ago. It — whatever it was — is over and has been for a while.

Some things for you (to think about):

Thing 1: You deserve love, RIP, and you should try again — with someone else.

Thing 2: The confidence and happiness you see staring back at you in the mirror every morning? The quickest way to lose both those feelings is to chase after someone who isn't interested in you.

Thing 3: Please learn the right lesson from this failed/never-quite-was relationship. The lesson here isn't that you're unlovable or that you shouldn't try again (with someone else), RIP, it's that you were capable of making a connection with someone — you were capable of developing feelings for someone that were, for a time and to a limited extent, reciprocated. Falling in love with someone who didn't love you back or didn't keep loving you back doesn't mean you should stop trying (with someone else). It means the opposite. Try again. With someone else.

P.S. I suspect there's more drama than you cop to lurking under this statement: "I stood my ground with my GM even though I didn’t go about it the correct or professional way..."