Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Needs To Move On But Totally Cock Blocked

Comments

1
Gosh if only you'd asked sooner we could have warned you not to have a kid...
2
Blame it on the kid you had; it's all his fault. His head was too big and whoops.

I can't speak for other men but I really hate it when women cannot accept responsibility for their disney dreams and fairytales.

What I mean by that is your not going to be 18 tight forever. That wonderful cock that's a perfect fit; 2 years later won't be so perfect.

So for this woman I'd suggest her to dump her man; find some 18 year old and play out her fantasies until he gets tired of her and rinse and repeat.

If you don't want to accept non-perfection you might as well just saddle up for the youngest hardest thing you can until he gets tired of you.
3
Dan is spot on! We have been long-distance for ten years and have decided to marry, despite being on different continents.

4
Well said again, Dan the Man!
@STPT: I'm with Dan here. Who says that you and your guy have live under the same roof?
5
Earlier in her life she liked a regular dick, now she likes a big dick. Go with it. Enjoy. I'd second Dan's notion that if everything around this guy's big dick is great outside of the possibility of living together, then that might be a compromise worth making. If not, happy hunting & don't feel guilty.
6
.....although I shudder at the idea of viewing any Twitter feed, considering the Shithead-in-Chief who already trolls it hourly because it thinks it's so 'HUUUUUUGE".
7
Fundamentally, Big Cock questions are all the same: I am partnered with (or was partnered with) a man with a big cock, but I’m thinking about braking up with (or broke up with) this man, but after having sex with a man who has a big cock, I only want a man with a big cock in the future. What do I do?

Well, a big cock in hand is worth two in your bush, so to speak. So if you want a big cock your best bet is always keeping the man attached to the big cock that you’re currently fucking. Otherwise, finding another big cock will require being very upfront about the cock dimensions you are seeking, and since big cocks aren’t correlated with other characteristics limiting your choices along other dimensions that are important to you.

That said, you’re not limited to monogamy, so you could have a smaller cocked partner and some big cocked fuck buddies.
8
Challenge: Women having a preference for dick size is just as sexist as men preferring big tits. Maybe even more so since they, surprisingly, haven’t perfected an effective penis enlargement surgery that still maintains a solid erection (that I know of).
9
Oh, before you complain, I’m a gay man who believes that it’s more about finding “the right dick for the right hole” so to speak.
10
LOL Challenge accepted...or not, since I reject the premise: why would it be sexist for men to prefer big breasts? Or small breasts, or curvy legs, or whatever? For the most part people aren't choosing to have those preferences.
11
When it comes to who/what we are attracted to, I don’t think anyone should make any apologies for our preferences. No amount of explaining how sexist/racist/whateverist our sexual preferences are will change those sexual preferences. They are what they are. The secret is to be compassionate and humane dealing with people who are not our cup of tea, and not to over-objectify people who are.
12
It's not sexist if a man prefers big tits. It's sexist if a man judges/reduces all women to their breast size or if a man partners with a smaller breasted woman and then either shames her for it or pressures her to change her breast size. But a guy that likes big breasts who searches for or happily partners with a woman with big breasts? Or who admits that part of what he loves about his sexual partner is her big breasts? Or the he wants to be with a big breasted woman in the future? Why in the world would that be sexist?
13
Have you ever heard of kegels?
14
Also it's really bizarre that it would even hypothetically occur to someone to peg what is sexist or not to whether or not there is a plastic surgery 'solution'.

Some women like big cocks. So what? The weirdo stuff up above about how it's her own fault for having kids- what? Is that sarcasm?
15
The LW can do kegel exercises. If she just wants a big dick, that's different, but if it really is about the sensation of being full, the kegels could help (I recommend Kegel balls). Other toys might help too. A butt plug makes me feel more full, even when having PIV sex.
16
@2: “Blame it on the kid you had; it's all his fault. His head was too big and whoops.

I can't speak for other men but I really hate it when women cannot accept responsibility for their disney dreams and fairytales.

What I mean by that is your not going to be 18 tight forever. That wonderful cock that's a perfect fit; 2 years later won't be so perfect.“

Who’d you learn anatomy from?
17
@8; Er No. Tits are not necessary for a good fuck to happen, the right sized cock to fit a vagina is. So no it's not sexist to require a cock a woman can feel during penetration. The LW still shouldn't do inspections before dating.
18
Assuming my cock hasn't changed sizes that much over the years, someone's "tightness" seems relatively arbitrary. I've had a serious gf who had kids, and she wasn't especially tighter or looser (ugh, i feel like a juvenile even writing about it) than anyone else. I guess, LW, if it makes you feel any better, having a kid probably hasn't changed which cocks you can enjoy or not.
19
I agree with Dan. Also agree that the LW should, if she hasn’t already, do pelvic floor exercises (“Kegels”). She should also consider seeing a urogynocologist as it’s always important to medically rule out any medical issues and possible treatments.
20
Noting wrong with wanting to "be filled up", but you realize that you are severely limiting your dating pool. Lots of wonderful men out there with average penises that you are automatically ruling out to your own detriment. Kegels are the easy, free first option. But, if the years go by and you just cant find the right emotional match with a guy who fits your enlarged pussy, vaginal rejuvenation is a medically accepted option to tighten things up.
21
@20, Donny? What.. much easier to find a cock size to fit than have some procedure done. Or is this a joke.
Not sure if her kid came out side ways or what but after six kids my fanny is fine ( FIF). Breastfeeding, if possible, is a good option because it helps tighten the vagina at the same time. And as others have said, do kegels.
Not really sure what the problem is here.
Lots of couples live apart.. no fighting over the housework. If you love this man, then make it work. Otherwise, go forth and find new lovers.
22
@12 I get the feeling that LW is reducing men to their dick size. Her only complaint about her ex husband is his dick size. The only reason she’s staying with her current is his dick size. Her big worry about dating is fucking somebody with a tiny dick. Men are reduced to dick size in this letter. Which, fine, whatever.

But if you look at feminist messaging, it’s not OK for men to prefer big tits because that drives women to body image issues and getting plastic surgery. Men have the same insecurity about their cocks (I’ve seen penis enlargement devices from the early 1900s so this revelation is nothing new), so it should stand to reason that the big dick preferences are just as damaging.

I’ll support any woman going after anything she wants, but wanting a man with a big dick is just as superficial a preference as a man preferring big tits (no matter how much LW claims “omg, I have a wide set vagina”).
23
I had to go and re read the letter, Mr TheM@22: and nowhere does she say she left her husband because of his dick size. Or that she's loving the man she's with, because of his dick size. Contributing factors, I'll concede that.. from the info we have.
Did you not read my words? Tits are a nice add on for straight sex. For some maybe a big add on, people have their things. It's not the main game though for most straight people. PiV is. And what's the point of it for a woman if she can't feel said P in her V?
So again, no it's not sexist to seek a sized cock to fit so it is felt by the vagina holder.
And I don't even know if seeking big tits is sexist. I wish Dan hadn't thrown that comparison in there. Like apples and oranges, or cut fresh figs and melons.
Jesus. Is all our pleasure up for debate with men?
24
I'm sorry if men are insecure about their cock size Mr theM. There are lots of women of all sizes and I'm sure their is a size to fit. Women shouldn't lie about what gives them pleasure, not to themselves. Of course don't tell a man she can't feel a thing, anymore than a man should say anything about a woman's breasts. Then they don't go on a second date, the other person doesn't have to be shamed over their body.
25
*there
26
@8 I think the fundamental difference is that no one can tell how big my cock is whenever I'm in public? In my case, people make a lot of assumptions, so I feel like I'm straddling the fence a little bit in this regard.

My take: there's no real option other than to get over it. Dudes who like big tits gonna find girls with big tits, if they say out loud they want em or not. Girls that need a big dick... literally half of all guys are above average. I imagine it can't be that difficult.
27
@22 @TheMisanthrope:
> But if you look at feminist messaging, it’s not OK for men to prefer big tits
I'm not familiar with this messaging, although it probably exists. Hooey comes from all over the spectrum. It's not sexist to have preferences. It's not sexist to act on preferences in your personal life. Now, if you're acting on them in your role as some sort of job supervisor...

There are over 7 billion people in the world. For the vast majority of us, it's not that hard to find someone who digs what we've got. No use moaning that some people don't. Won't change a thing.

Now, arguments can be made that society shapes preferences, and therefore we should be thoughtful about what we allow or encourage, so as to not create unnecessary numbers of people with body issues, etc. But even so, I don't think the argument is about sexism. It's about capitalism (making people feel bad about how they look makes them spend money).
28
As someone who has had more than the average 2.3 children, I agree that things change. But I'm a little skeptical that it was mainly a size problem. In my experience, how tight things feel is largely a matter of how aroused I get. Sometimes when I come first, I lose that vaso-congestion or vag-boner or whatever and can barely feel my partner though his size is not changed. Maybe the stress of parenthood struck the final blow to the passion and excitement in her former marriage.
29
I used to feel like I had a strong preference for large dicks, but then after dating a guy longterm with an average-almost-small dick...I found out that good chemistry and a skilled partner can work just as well. At first I had to keep adjusting positions to "feel" him, but over time the problem went away completely. Something changed and from then on it felt like he was "big" even though he definitely wasn't. We had some of the best sex that I've ever had and I never would have known that if I hadn't kept an open mind. However, I have to say that the reason his average dick got so many extra chances with me was because he was so very good at everything else in bed...nice touch, great kisses, very cuddly, strong muscular arms, lots and lots of foreplay and aftercare. His average dick turned out to be a non-issue in the bedroom, even though it was a problem for me the first few months. Sadly, the relationship fell apart for other reasons, but the sex was always great. Lots of nice memories. That's why I don't think a woman should opt out of a relationship just over dick size. Give a guy a chance if you really like him- it just might turn out to be some amazing sex you never realized could happen.
30
@Sportlandia: The (seemingly widespread) belief that giving birth permanently stretches the vagina has not been born out by my experience either.

The only changes in size I've ever noticed were due to muscle contraction, with vaginismus being on the extreme end. Lends some credibility to the kegels suggestion @13.

@TheMisanthrope: Yes, women are animals, too.
31
Lava@21 ~ She says she has, "...a vagina that was no longer the same size as it was before. After the birth, I could hardly feel my (then) husband's average size cock..." and ""...the thought of having sex with guys with smaller cocks, makes me sad..." due, I assume to the "not being able to feel it". I took her at her word and put forth a couple suggestions that might enable her to find a partner based on personality and intelligence, rather than cock size removing a sizable portion of the male population from her dating pool. Note that surgery was only one option I suggested, and not a mandate. I'm not saying don't love yourself as you are, but a lot of people have a variety of surgeries to improve their lives, cleft palates, lasik, etc. This isn't a cosmetic problem, it's a physical phenomenon that could be adjusted as an option.
32
Mr Savage seems a bit too lenient on people with these unspoken requirements. If one isn't going to be up front about such a deal-breaker, it seems the least one can do is shoulder a little more blame than one strictly deserves, without being unnecessarily brutal. I'm sure the right form exists.
33
Ms Ods - How hard are you looking?

It really surprises me how many people on both teams in the Culture War (as a GRA, I admit that my self-interest is served best if neither side scores a decisive victory; it makes me feel quite like Oceania) whom I find quite reasonable are both genuinely unaware of the extremists on their own side and the reasonable people on the other, as well as their arguments. There are so many fascinating conversations I could arrange in which both participants would think the other a variety of unicorn. I rather envy the luxury; I'd like nothing so well in the world at times as the ability to think that Straight Chasers didn't exist.
34
You can buy a cock of any size you like.
35
I wonder if there is a nerve or muscular issue that could have resulted from childbirth that feels (to her) like she's become stretched out but is actually just a loss of sensation or sensitivity?

Though I have heard men say that sex before/after childbirth does feel different with some women. My guess is it's about pelvic floor muscles.

Misanthrope, there are all sorts of stupid things that people say and then claim to have aligned them with certain identities, so I have no doubt that plenty of people who consider themselves feminists have said plenty of dumb things. But there is a popular culture idea that 'feminism' means only liking people for their minds or some such bullshit that I've never actually seen in feminist literature or activism though I don't hold the dictionary definition of feminism so I suppose people who believe shit like that are within their rights to call themselves feminists. But in my experience, it seems to be the sort thing that I hear people say that feminists say more than I've ever actually heard a feminist say, if that makes sense. On a personal level anyway for what it's worth, I don't think we can't account for all our physical desires. I think both the current cultural desire for big dicks and big boobs are a part of socialization (as the opposite has been desired in cultures elsewhere and in other times) but that doesn't make the desire less real- individuals will like what they like, and while it might be useful to think about why that is, we still just have to live with the gut-level horniness for whatever we like, boob and dick size alike.

I don't see that this woman is reducing all men to cock size. She's saying she likes big dicks. She says why. And she's figuring out how to balance that with other considerations. If a guy were saying the same thing about breast size, I don't think I'd perceive it any differently.

Where it would get weird is if she starts speculating about all guys' dicks or staring at guy's crotches at work or run around making reference to dick size in normal life or shame some partner for his small dick (which she might've done with her ex- she was troubled by it). These are the things that make men's obsession with big boobs problematic- when they stop being able to separate women from their breasts in regular life.

But you might be right that she seems to be straddling that line. To me, I took her question as awareness that this could become a thing so how do I deal with that.

Like, I like big dicks but I want to balance that preference with other considerations without making anyone feel like shit. How do I do that?
36
@vennominon: It really surprises me how many people on both teams in the Culture War whom I find quite reasonable are both genuinely unaware of the extremists on their own side

I've noticed the same, although I'm not surprised. Extremist rhetoric tends to be more salient when it's directed at you vs someone else.

Perhaps more relevant in this particular instance, I've also noticed there are certain genuinely positive people who have a knack for brushing off or avoiding the more toxic, spiteful elements of our culture. I don't know whether their outlook is the result of avoiding negativity, or vice versa, but I find much to admire in them, and these days I'm very grateful to have them around.
37
@34: Sheaths too.
38
No, this is totally natural. Kids stretch it out permanently and that's the end of that. I refer you to the fact that throughout human history few families ever have more than one child. Two at most. Pick any century. One or two kids, that's it, except in rare cases. People just stop having them an this is why.

Can you imagine how many billions of people would populate this Earth if anyone still wanted to fuck after their first kid? Absurd.
39
@38: Thank you for that. I would like to ask you to marry me.
40
You know, LW might not be the size queen she thinks she is. All she really wants is to enjoy being fucked - which seems reasonable. She's had 2 lovers post-birth: her husband and the boyfriend, and based on this, she thinks that she needs a certain dick size in order to enjoy the dicking. Which, ok, maybe, but also maybe not. "Motion of the ocean," "two is not a valid sample size," and all that, you know.

But at the end of the day, since you generally aren't in the position to judge cock size before you fuck, I think she'll just date people like normal, and then after fucking them go "ok, that was nice, let's do that again some time," or "well, that wasn't nice, let's not do that again." And if it so happens that she enjoys sex with a guy who has a less-than-huge cock, she's not going to be like "well, that was great, but I have decided that on principle I shall only fuck big-dicked men, so goodbye." So all this is a bit of a silly thing to worry about.

Also yes, she should probably try kegels. While I'm not going to shame her for deciding that she only wants to have sex with a certain demographic because that's what she thinks is going to get her off, it does seem a bit silly not to try and expand your potential dating pool if you can. There's nothing wrong with her only wanting big dicks, but if there's something reasonably easy she can do to possibly enjoy smaller dicks, well, why not give it a try - there's really no downside.
41
Anyone else finding it hard to find sympathy for a CPOS who left her husband (soon) after their baby was born because his dick was too small, instead of doing kegels? I hope the ex-Mr STPF has found someone better.

Anyway, yes. Kegels. And if dick size is so important, and you do break up with Mr Big because of the distance thing, have sex with these guys early on so they won't get attached before you check out their packages and find them wanting.

Dum @2: Not all 18-year-olds have large penises which shrink with age. What on earth did they teach you in sex ed??

Sublime @7: Except for the "his dick is too big and it hurts" questions. Those guys get an "it's not you, it's me" pretty early on too, just wanted to give the flip side.

Misanthrope @8: I agree that these things are equally sexist, as in, neither of them is. A preference is a preference. Denigrating women who have small tits or men who have small penises may be sexist, but merely having preferences is not. It's about treating people with respect instead of reducing them to parts. In other words, you're confusing preferences with objectification.

Emma @15: Excellent suggestion about using a butt plug, or a simultaneous dildo, for that filled-up feeling with a smaller dicked man. Bonus sensation for him, everyone wins.

Lava @17: Excellent point about the functionality of cocks versus the aesthetics of breasts.

Misanthrope @22: Preferences are shallow, so what? The LW even admits to this. That having been said, they are notoriously difficult to overcome. And they are not universal. Not every woman (or man) out there wants a super-sized cock, and even if the majority prefer "at least a medium," some large proportion of these will be willing to overlook that preference if the man has other good qualities both in and out of bed. For those who can't, they just move on. My tiny breasts and I and our long dating history are living proof that a common preference for big tits isn't the death knell for those who lack them, and the same applies to men. Some of the smaller men I've been with are quite happily married today.

Unintentional Pun Award to Dadddy @30: "The (seemingly widespread) belief that giving birth permanently stretches the vagina has not been born out by my experience either." Ba-dum tish!

Traffic @40: Good point about sample size. Maybe Mr Big is just a better lover all round. There are definitely crappy lovers with big cocks out there!

(Another person here who's just marked, as their second-longest relationship, one with someone I don't live with and never intend to. We're both happier in our own places, and we miraculously haven't got sick of each other! Yay!)
42
Mr. Venn @33:
> Ms Ods - How hard are you looking?

Not hard at all! I think most purposes are best served by studiously ignoring those folks who hang out at the very end of the spectrum of opinion and yell at everyone else.
43
One more comment: STPF comments on her new partner "fitting just right." This may not be just a function of size but of shape. It's easy to see that penises can be curved in certain directions, but vaginas are as well. Perhaps Mr Big's penis is curved at exactly the right angle to hit her G-spot, whereas her ex-husband's was not. So a smaller man with a similar shape could satisfy her just as well -- though she might not feel as "filled up" -- as Mr Big.
44
I'm coming to the conclusion that the things STPF brings up in her letter actually have nothing to do with each other. They seem interconnected, but they're not.

1. Vagina size and sex after childbirth. See a doctor. Be upfront about the changes in sensation, lack of sensation, pain. Follow recommendations. Do kegels. There may be other medical treatments that will help.

2. Prefer the feeling of being filled with a larger cock. So buy a sex toy. Teach whatever guy you're with how you like it to be used.

3. Can't see spending the rest of her life with the guy she loves, is loved back and has fantastic sex with. Think about what you want and look for solutions. Maybe enjoy the relationship/sex you have now while planning on remaining single. Maybe work on whatever is stopping Mr. Big Cock from being great long term relationship material. This is a pretty ordinary problem, the one where the people we like to have sex with aren't necessarily the people we want to live with and share finances with and talk to every night and go through life with forever and ever. There isn't necessarily one single solution. All of us end up settling on something somewhere down the line. The decisions aren't easy, but they can be done.
45
Ph'nglui@31 ~ Actually, "throughout human history" people tended to have lots of kids because a) disease killed a big chunk of 'em off, 2) it was a sign of virility and 3) no contraception. It's only been very recently that families could afford the "luxury" of a small family.
46
After the birth of my two children, I had massive changes. I couldn't squeeze or tighten up my vagina at all. Could hardly feel my husband. No longer had orgasms. I was told to do Kegels. I did them all day every day for years. I went to five different OBGYNs (male and female) that all told me that I just needed to accept that changes happen when you have kids. This was bullshit. I am supposed to accept the fact that I can't have intimate pleasure with my husband??? Finally finally finally I found someone that told me my vaginal muscles had torn apart during the birthing process and needed to be put back together. It took me four years to find that out. No amount of Kegels would fix that. I am scheduled to have surgery soon. I cannot wait. We really really need to listen to women more sometimes and offer help. I understand what this woman is saying. I am just thankful that my husband has been steadfast in supporting and working with me. This has been terrible, especially since my libido is very high and screaming at me.

Bottom line - losing vaginal muscle tone is sometimes an issue. Women should not be talked down to or made fun of. We need to be taken seriously. Sometimes Kegels can't fix it. There is nothing wrong with seeking sexual pleasure. I urge the woman to talk to her Dr. to see if anything can be done to help her.
47
Ms Fan @ 41 - Your attitude in favour of living separately seems to fit very nicely with that of the late Mr Rees, who was such a major part of early gay publishing in the UK.

I think Mr Thrope's point in #22 is that there is a one-way street when it comes to which criticism on the grounds of shallow preferences is "acceptable", and that it runs up the privilege ladder. To avoid going into a lengthy rumination on "acceptability", I'll stop here.
48
Thanks Chrysla. That's what I was trying to say re: losing sensation or muscle tone. I have known men who say they can't feel anything with their wife after childbirth, and they are not assholes or liars. To me, that means something like that must happen sometimes. And it's not just the women saying they can't feel the man which means it can't be just about nerves, but it must be something real that happens in some minority of cases. The vagina is not magic (despite what some senators believe) and childbirth is not always a harmless beautiful experience. It makes sense that there could be complications. Sorry you are going through this and I'm glad you found a doctor who is taking your concerns seriously.

@BDF and Misanthrope, Yes. For some reason, I thought the ending of her marriage was a separate thing. She does not come out and say she left her husband and father of their new child because of his dick, so I just assumed it fell apart for reasons that cause MANY marriages to fall apart after the birth of a child (it's stressful and people have stupid expectations of parenting), but you might be correct. She does say she left her husband for another man which means she was cheating at the least, and with mr. big it seems. So yes, I agree with Misanthrope's revised discussion about sexism here- preferences are not sexist at all, but reducing a partner to his/her body parts and then leaving them on those grounds is really shitty behavior, and to everyone- the child too. Though we don't know that's actually the reason.

I know I keep saying it, but I think we need to have much more honest and detailed conversations about what pregnancy, childbirth and early parenting are like for all aspects of the lives/bodies of the mother, father and child involved.
49
Ms Ods - I've always found that part of understanding the weaknesses of of one's own case is getting a firm grasp of the worst destination people reach from one's starting point. I have limited exposure to the infamous Professor Peterson (although he and Mr Savage have quite a lot in common about pronouns), who makes me nervous mainly because a great many of his fans make a virtue out of going out of their way to be anti-gay (shades of Lady Russell and "How quickly come the reasons for approving what we like!" - I really ought to invoke that quotation more often).

I've been ruminating about the tendency of both sides to take the enemy extremists as the mainstream. It's reminiscent of how Ms Rand absolutely refused to accept that the most passionate outside advocate for gay equality I'd heard for a long time was a young MRA, whom I mentioned once as having advanced arguments with considerable energy that I'd likely have been reticent about trying myself, suspecting dismissal for being too partisan.
50
DonnyK @ 45 - What's the matter, is your sarcasm detector off today? That was a brilliant post by Ph'nglui, and you had to go and ruin it.
51
Donny @45: Cthulhu's comment was one that even I recognised as blatant sarcasm.

Chrysla @46: Great point, thank you.

Emma @48: I'm sure there probably were more factors at play than "I wasn't enjoying PIV with my husband anymore, so I started an affair with a hung stud, fell in oxytocin and left," but that's pretty much how she phrased it, so I'll stick to my policy of not presuming facts not in evidence. It could very well have been that simple. Also, we don't know how old this kid is. And why she's so obsessed with getting not just dick, but big dick, once her lover is living non-booty-call distance away, rather than raising a child by herself.

But hey, on the bright side -- see? Not all new moms lose their libidos!
52
@BiDanFan: It seems I'm guilty of two unintentional puns:

The (seemingly widespread) belief that giving birth permanently stretches the vagina has not been born out by my experience either."

Apologies all around.
53
@49: “It's reminiscent of how Ms Rand absolutely refused to accept that the most passionate outside advocate for gay equality I'd heard for a long time was a young MRA, whom I mentioned once as having advanced arguments with considerable energy that I'd likely have been reticent about trying myself, suspecting dismissal for being too partisan.”

Are you conflating someone’s advocacy of rights for men with the “Men’s Rights” movement?

Because I’m not sure I ever recall that discussion.
54
My rhetoric may be impassioned sometimes but my beliefs and wanting equality for all is not “extremist”.
55
"Among American women, about one in four have some kind of pelvic floor dysfunction. For new mothers, the number is higher: 58% of moms who delivered vaginally have a pelvic floor dysfunction, as do 43% of those who delivered via C-section." -- NGPT This is not something that OBs in the US are typically trained in. As evidenced by this post, many people in the US think that a women's vagina just changes after birth, or that it can be easily fixed with at-home kegels. For many women it is not simply a matter of doing kegels. Specialized pelvic floor PT is part of standard postpartum care in much of Europe. This letter missed an opportunity to educate people about pelvic floor health, which (like so many women's health issues) is commonly stigmatized, minimized, and misunderstood.
56
Dadddy @52: Bahaha! Want a double entendre? I'll give you one! Don't apologise for lols, ever. Unintentional funnies can be the best kind.
57
@52: Well, it's technically "borne out," so that's a slight degree of removal from your unintentional pun.
58
One key part of @46/Chrysla’s story: four doctors dedicated to gynecological issues were really dismissive about pleasurable sex for women post birth. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that some of these doctors were women, who you think might be more in tune with this issue, but are not as a matter course.

Bottom line OB/GYNs are not necessarily going to address post-birth vaginal issues without a lot of patient pressure, and there may be things that can be done, although every woman has to decide for herself what kind of medical / surgical intervention she will accept. But unless doctors take seriously women’s sexual experiences post birth, and how that affects their lives and marriages, women won’t get the treatment they may want or need.
59
I agree @48: EmmaL, for a start, birthing lying down is the worst position to be in when giving birth, no wonder women tear.
60
@50/51 ~ Think I wrote that late at night...sorry for being so obtuse.
61
@59 ~ "...birthing lying down is the worst position to be in when giving birth...
I thought the worse position was hanging by your heels on a flying trapeze...
62
Glad I'm not in a relationship of any form with this shallow twat. *Love* to hear what you'd all be saying if her husband had dumped her after her vag changed size.
63
That's usually not an option a hospital will give you Donny@61: squatting or similar to give birth is the best way, but you know, it seems a little too primitive for our culture.
64
Actually here it's not the LW's interest in dick size I noticed as much as her normative idea of how the rest of her life, from her late 40s onward, will play.

Living together with this guy didn't work out, and he's moved to take a job in another city. So she's thinking of their breaking up? She says she loves him; but either this is perhaps pro forma, something said just in politeness, or he doesn't love her...? If he does love, or remains very interested in, her, as is suggested by how she describes their wonderful sexual connection, what would be the problem with a LDR? Is it that she feels she would not be cared for on that basis into her late middle and old age? Is it that she's holding to some social expectation that she will have a live-in partner? But this may not cover all cases: people can get their care and all sorts of human attention from peers in retirement villages and old persons' homes, from children, from same- and other-sex friends. They can still have LDRs.

I wasn't at all sure how important her current lover's massive cock was. Monogamy is not obligatory if she wants to maintain acquaintance with this member! Or she can screen lovers for cock size and settle down with another guy with whom--and evidently not just for this reason--the sex is comparably satisfying....
65
Ms Rand - I am not calling you an extremist, simply stating that you at least at one time expressed the view that all MRAs were by default sexist/misogynistic, racist and homophobic. Now such MRAs definitely exist; I am even in a battle with some of them over whether my coined term SMRA is a valid counterpart to TERF. (I became annoyed when two people I consider SMRAs got very preachy in a complaint that "MRAs stand up for all men, not just straight men or white men, but we get whacked when we stand up for straight and white men.")

My point was that you took the extreme wing of your enemy to be their mainstream. I see about equal amounts of this on both sides (I'm a GRA, and quarrel with everybody); I could probably name several MRAs who are equally insistent that No Feminist holds views so reasonable as some we have seen expressed by Ms Cute. There are various pairs of people it would be fascinating to lock in a room for two hours and listen to the conversation stream.

It all comes down to who wins the battle to control the definition of "equal", which we all recall, Ms Cute wants to be, except when she doesn't (and I don't blame her).
66
compagno@3 Congratulations on beating the odds and making a long distance relationship work to the point of getting married. Will you have a transcontinental marriage and are you considering children? Military marriages have a high instance of failure particularly when there are children. I use military marriages as an analog because they are the most common form of transcontinental marriages. I take it that you aren't subject to military travel restrictions.
67
Gato @57: Indeed, and that's why I picked up on that pun (the incorrect, but unintentionally hilarious, word born rather than borne) but missed the previous one.
68
EmmaLiz @35

"But there is a popular culture idea that 'feminism' means only liking people for their minds or some such bullshit that I've never actually seen in feminist literature or activism though I don't hold the dictionary definition of feminism so I suppose people who believe shit like that are within their rights to call themselves feminists. But in my experience, it seems to be the sort thing that I hear people say that feminists say more than I've ever actually heard a feminist say, if that makes sense."

Makes perfect sense to me...
69
@62 idkrn
70
@65: “simply stating that you at least at one time expressed the view that all MRAs were by default sexist/misogynistic, racist and homophobic”

This here is an unwinnable argument (for both of us) based on self-ascription.

I do believe that the Redpill/MRA bitter jerks correlate to a lot of nastiness.

I believe persons can advocate for men’s rights and not be a terrible person. When I speak of “MRAs” I’m isolating for the ones I encounter on the Internet, whose identities are wrapped up in the Reddit and zero-sum (that women’s equality necessarily hurts men) brand of “activism”.

Does that make sense? I know persons outside of this model exist, but they’re the exception and I wouldn’t argue with reasonable positions?

I also never ever encounter them on public comment forums so a moot point no? If they were the default and creeps didn’t speak for them, I wouldn’t have such distaste for the term being permanently hijacked.
71
“My point was that you took the extreme wing of your enemy to be their mainstream”

The issue is that the mainstream “MRA” is equivalent to TERFs, and much more in number.

This is the problem, and false equivalency of someone who sees dismay at zero sum gender politics as kinship with TERFdom didn’t help men’s rights in the non-AltRight sense.
72
@62 idkrn...oops, accidentally posted before I commented. What I wanted to say was that I agree with you-this type of mentality is not for me. Reducing a partner of either gender down to body parts isn't love, it's just lust/sex. Also, would be curious to know if LW has a perfect body herself and if she would like to be dumped after years of marriage for some perceived physical flaw of hers. After childbirth and in her late forties, her tits, stretchmarks and ass might not look that great anymore either. Same sentiment for all those short, chubby, bald guys in their forties who think they deserve to harshly criticize their partner's body.
73
@65: “I became annoyed when two people I consider SMRAs got very preachy in a complaint that "MRAs stand up for all men, not just straight men or white men, but we get whacked when we stand up for straight and white men.”

You’ll probably find a 1:1 intersection of that brand and Four Horsemen/New Atheist pseudoskeptics. They have a high affinity for Dawkins and Hitchens and haaaaate others in the “skeptic movement” after Elevatorgate. They’re all about “race realism” as much as gender.
74
Ultimately my “enemy” is the sort of people who feel that human rights are zero sum, and my concerns lie with people moreso than titles. My observation of trends with those who adopt the title of “MRA” is irrelevant to my being able to discuss the actual issues, I just don’t tend to run into any decent advocates on the wider internet. I’m sure they exist and wish them well.
75
And not to hijack this too much further for our aside but so long as a person and myself can discuss the concept of “toxic masculinity” and how strict gender roles hurt men I’ll probably be able to communicate with the person about other concepts from a realistic framework.

It doesn’t usually come up, because those guys are usually already feminists to begin with and goals align.
76
Congrats on doing 69, girliegams! Luckily you explained @72, or the jury may have been out for a measly "idkrn" to score the lucky number.
77
Ms Rand - I have encountered a number of decent advocates. Thank you for clarifying. With regard to numbers, you could be right; it might depend on how we counted those who seek equality but think most feminists are taking a drastic step in the wrong direction. Perhaps I'd have done better had I said "mainline" instead of "mainstream", because the decent MRAs remind me of the old Protestant sects of Christianity that seem to exist mostly in New England and are called mainline (tending to be progressive and ecumenical and deserving of the soubriquet Works Well With Secularists), but are less flashy-splashy than the sparkly evangelical sects that seem to have sucked up all the oxygen and hijacked the term "Christian".

The atheists tend to have punted on men's rights of late. They're having enough of a conversation closer to home.

Had your original response back when I first mentioned my MRA acquaintance as the best straight advocate for gays I'd heard in years been the conclusion to #74, we would have advanced from there quite peacefully. But I understand your points.
78
@76 Thanks! Hope it really is a lucky omen, b/c the last few months have been rough. Crossing my fingers, lol.
79
@77: Beyond venting I try to focus on sincerity and the end-goals over terminology. No need to spar unnecessarily.
80
@46 chrys - being told that your pain or loss of sexual function is not a big deal is pretty typical w obgyns. As far as I know most if not all of them get no training in how to talk about sex or sexual pleasure with patients and it shows. Obgyns particularly bc their job is babies babies babies, that's why they got into it, that's what they do, and very little else matters as much, understandable. There's very little money for research into women's sexual health so it just doesn't get done and getting told it's normal/just lady troubles isn't unusual. Often you have to go through multiple doctors, find GYN only docs, or go to the most high octane medical facility you can reach and talk to them. Women routinely get torn up in childbirth, it's one of the reasons people opt for C-sections, and it gets ignored all the time. I haven't had kids but got told to just never have penetrative sex again at one point. By several docs. I mean, what? Turned out to be easily fixable but I had to go through five docs. I'm sorry you went through that and I hope things are better now. Even just knowing what is wrong helps.
81
It's worth going to a pelvic floor physical therapist, just to see what's up. Generally a lot better than docs about talking/knowing about this stuff, and it's far easier than you think it's going to be. Depending on how you want to do the appointments you don't even have to be touched or naked at all, it's entirely up to you.
If you don't see improvement in 3-6 months and aren't a surgical candidate the big dick solution might be for you, but before you cut the guy loose you may wanna look into the percentage of men in the population that have cocks his size, cause 7"+ is very thin on the ground.
It's also pretty typical to be super enthusiastic about the cock of a new guy - maybe this is NRE and not magnificent cock. Could be both. But just saying.
Look into the WeVibe? Perfect candidate for fisting too, no? Get into that might get more flexible about cock size.
82
@35 the lw likes big dicks for functional reasons, not attractiveness reasons. Having married a regular dicked guy it's possible she's had no attraction to big dicks prior to this point and only now does purely in a Pavlovian sense.
83
@55 pip - thank you, excellent info! Pretty sure the most common issue is bladder incontinence, though prolapse is super common too ( you usually don't find out about that one till after menopause). How many US women do you know who have bladder incontinence after childbirth who have not been offered PT? It's a lot, right? Super common to have issues. Super common to not be offered help. That's a problem.
84
@58 yes to most of those obgyns being female. I found male doctors more sympathetic about the sexual pleasure being a priority, although of course my sample size was small. And one of them was a bit of a lech to the point that I wouldn't send a teen or twenty something woman to him. So... ymmv.
85
So I guess a gay male ob/gyn is the best option.