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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: A stray text message outs the wrong parent, a girlfriend wonders if she should make her boyfriend cancel his dream vacation, a woman wonders if she should blame her case of herpes on her shitty ex, and how can this woman move on when he's got such a glorious cock? Also, last week's Lesborama column and last week's Savage Lovecast.

Regarding straight men identifying as bears:

Hello love! Just a quick anecdote re: straight bears. Me and my beautiful ursine husband live in central TX, land of cheap beer and fun rivers to tube upon. Once, on a trip, we accidentally happened to hit the river at the same time as Bears on the Guadalupe, a tubing club for human bears of the more traditional kind. This certainly led to several delightful misunderstandings at first (the men hitting on my husband thought I was merely a straight girlfriend he'd brought along for fun) but, once everything had been cleared up, the bears could not have been friendlier or more welcoming. Honestly, if my husband had any taste for cock at all, I could have had the rent paid that night! Anyhow, the bears encouraged us to embrace the term "bear" for our own self-conceptions as much as we were feeling it, and I'd like to pass that encouragement on to dude who wrote in! xoxox

Regarding a straight woman laying the blame for her herpes:

Good morning Dan, we’ve talked about herpes in the past and I just wanted to respond to a post I saw regarding this. It is important to remember that there are some false positives on the herpes antibody test - the CDC is now recommending confirmatory testing for people whose test results fall into a certain range. Perhaps this woman who posted could use this information or others as well.

A success story:

I'd like to share with you an uncommon scenario; one that was partially a result of your column. I'll be as concise as I can here. My husband and I were together for 11 years, married for 5. A great marriage, very compatible, at least satisfactory sexually. We're both mid-30s. A couple of years ago I realized I was bisexual, though I never had any sort of encounter with a woman before. He knew this.

Cut to a year ago, when I started hanging around a girl who eventually became a friend to all of our group, including him. Along the way, I fell hard for her, unbeknownst to her. He could tell. He and I were starting to argue a bit so we went to marriage counseling ("a sex-positive therapist per Dan's advice"). That helped only a little. A couple of months later, the girl's boyfriend broke up with her. Not long after, it became clear to her that I was into her. Soon after, we began an intimate relationship. I communicated to my husband about this and he agreed to open up our relationship. That lasted all of three weeks, as neither she nor him was satisfied with the level of attention they received.

I then told him that I couldn't be married to him anymore, as I just didn't feel for him what I did for her, and never had. We were great friends, and neither of us ever thought there was anything missing in the relationship. We promptly divorced. Since that time several months ago, and still to this day, he has been my greatest supporter (and defender to some). He made sure we split everything down the middle; made sure our friend group stayed intact; and has been an all-around amazing person. She and him are friendly. I tell people that this is the friendliest divorce in history, though no one can ever quite understand how smooth this all became. I've helped him navigate the dating waters, and we're there for each other for pet-sitting and anything else that comes up.

She and I now live together and have a great relationship as well. I just wanted you to know that reading your column over the years helped us get here. I'm happy, she's happy, he's getting there, and we're all working through this together. (My conservative family is completely ignoring me but that's another thing. Fuck 'em.)

Thanks for what you do, Dan. Sign me...

It All Worked Out

Thank you for the very sweet note! I’m glad you’re happy and kudos to your and your ex-husband for sticking the dismount. If my column played a role… it’s only because you took it in. You guys made it work and you guys deserve the credit. Sadly, I hear all the time from people who claim to be longtime readers who then tell me what they’re doing and/or putting up with and I'm like, “You've retained nothing!” It’s lovely to hear from someone who not only got it but put it to use!

Now onto that incest question:

I wanted to say thanks for taking the incest question in last week's column, which I follow in the Minneapolis City Pages. I saw some harsh reactions to it on Facebook, and I want to make sure that wasn't all that you were hearing. It was a good question. I thought the response was carefully considered, and it was smart to include assessments from professional counselors. I think it's good that the people feel safe asking you for help with taboo questions, and that you answer them. I think it's important. It can rot a person away to feel like there's nowhere to turn without being shamed. Your column lets in some light, some air, some empathy.

Speaking of outrage:


It's an outrage the way I keep answering the questions lesbians keep sending me in the hopes that I'll keep answering their questions! Someone stop me before I answer another question from a lesbian who wrote me hoping I'd answer her question!

And finally for SPANK:

You were of course right to point out that SPANK's spankees may very well be bi and that for all we know, their GFs spank them too. But taking the question at face value, and assuming that SPANK has these facts squared based his discussions with these dudes, I'm not at all surprised. We all know that who we want to fuck does not always coincide with our kinks (spanking being a mild "kink," that is). Further, our kinks may have nothing to do with sex. I'm a lesbian; All I want is to fuck pretty, feminine women and have them fuck me. When it comes to kink with women, I'm a total bottom. But for some reason, I thoroughly enjoy dominating big, masculine, hairy, barrel-chested dudes. It's AWESOME. But then once the domination ends and the sex part begins, I lose all interest. And, ew, it's even worse when they try to cuddle. I'd tell SPANK that if he enjoys whacking these dudes and making them his little bitches, mazel! Continue. Then find a queer guy to fuck. But if the straight-spanking merely makes him frustrated, he should tell the spankees to find someone else.


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