Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: A teen girl has a porn question, a twentysomething Chinese guy's parents might disown him for being gay (again), an opportunity to DTMFA, and a woman (who lost her cat) doesn't want to forgive her brother (for being an asshole). Also, last week's column and Lovecast.

For SON:

I just read today’s letter, and it really brought back memories for me. Here’s what I’d like to say to the guy:

I’m a Canadian guy of Sri Lankan heritage, and I TOTALLY understand where he’s coming from. I am 37 now, I came out to my fairly conservative parents when I was 19.

When I look at how my life is now with my parents and my husband, I’m sometimes shocked that we are the loving, connected family we are. Seriously, my Sri Lankan parents get on fabulously with my Southern Louisiana Cajun in-laws, it’s unreal. From the outside, it looks like it’s always been this way. But it was 13+ difficult years with my parents to get here - and that included nearly getting into a fist fight with my dad where my mom had to come between us to keep us from killing each other, me punching a hole in the wall, and multiple 1-2 year periods of not speaking to each other.

Most South/Asians who are gay that I’ve met over the years do this awkward dance of waiting for the “right” time to come out to their parents. They lead double lives, they try to please their parents - and as a result, they end up just staying in the closet. The only reason to do this is if you are living with your parents and are dependent on them.

Since you’re not dependent, here’s what I recommend you do. First, find a good supportive therapist and make sure you have a close, supportive network of friends/family/chosen family around you. Then, fuck it and rip the cord, man. Call your dad up, and calmly and firmly tell him that you are gay and that’s that. There will be drama, hysterics, accusations of shame being brought on the family, etc. Hold firm. Do not apologize for being who you are. When your dad starts to yell and say cruel things, tell him you don’t have to take his words, and that he should call you when he’s ready to be civil.Tell your parents that if they don’t accept you, then they don’t get to have you in their lives.

That last sentence is the hardest one to say. Us Asians are raised to please our parents, and it’s incredibly painful to face the risk of not having your parents in your life for a while - possibly forever. I think Dan has said before, “The one lever of control we have with our parents in our adult lives is our presence. If our parents are good, we allow them access to us. If our parents are cruel, or non-accepting of us, we pull back our presence until they shape up.”

Your presence (or lack thereof) is the only concrete action you can take to change your relationship with your parents. Work with your therapist to unpack all your feelings around this, because it’s some complicated shit.

It will not be easy. You face the terrible choice of either choosing authenticity for yourself but then losing your parents for a time, or staying closeted with your parents while maintaining an artificial relationship with them. But to me, it’s actually an easy choice. If you choose authenticity and the loss of your parents for a time, you at least get to have a better, happier life for yourself - and you won’t have to pretend anymore. But if you choose staying closeted, you don’t get the benefits of being your true self and you also have to maintain a fake relationship with your parents.

And here’s the biggest thing I wish I could tell my younger self:
"If you don’t come out to your conservative, Asian parents, you’re not even giving them the chance to accept you. How can they accept your true self if you never show it to them?”

You have nothing to lose. Best-case scenario, you end up with your parents coming to your gay wedding some day. Worst-case scenario, your parents never accept you and you cut them out of your lives - but then why would you want to keep people in your life who don’t accept you? Life’s too short for that nonsense. If your birth family won’t accept you, then you’ll find your chosen family and you’ll be OK - you really will be. Building a chosen family is a time-honoured tradition of gay men at this point!

And one last thing: Never underestimate the power of being your true self even to your family. It took me years to be my true self unapologetically with my family and with the world at large. But living this way affects people positively in ways you can’t foresee. I have seen in my own life how my being my open, true self has made my mom go, “Wow, my son is just going off and doing what he wants to do, and he’s fine. Maybe the world won’t end if *I* go off and do what I want to do, too.”

When you are your true self unapologetically, you end up causing others around you to give themselves permission to be their true selves, too.

Best of luck, friend!

For that teen with a porn question:

I'm responding to your message to "Very Confused."

Just an FYI, girls can fantasize about having a boyfriend without fantasizing about sex with them and still be straight. As a teen, I had no interest in sex with a boy but I certainly wanted a boyfriend more than anything!

As a teen, I was looking at porn and thinking dirty stuff. No prude. Super horny. Atheist with atheist parents, no religious sex hangups. But my fantasy internet porn world was my only sexual world. My real life never felt sexual. I never sexually fantasized about the boys I liked. Thinking about fantasy people having sex was fun! I didn't care to think about myself doing it or anyone I know. (Actually I was into gay (male) porn in addition to straight.)

I understand that not fantasizing about sex with her boyfriend prospects may be a sign of lesbianism (or bi) but I want to make sure it's known that it's not a slam-dunk.

FYI I'm 32 now and married to a man.

For MFKS:

Just want to say I really appreciate the advice you gave to this woman regarding whether she should tell her family about her abuser who is a relative. I'm 66 years old now, and when I was 40 and in therapy, I chose to write letters to the wives of the sons of my abuser, my brother-in-law, the husband of my oldest sister. When I was 14 and he was 27, he sexually molested me often when I went to their house to babysit. It was "our secret." Fast forward 30 some years and I find out that he did the same to my other two sisters as well. I chose to write those letters to protect the innocent grandchildren of the abuser. Guess what happened? His sons and their wives called me crazy and to this day barely speak to me. And although they continued to invite him to family functions and pretend nothing had happened, I know for a fact that they never left any of their children alone with him. To me, losing those family members was worth every bit of seeing those children protected from him. Tell "My family kinda sucks" that it won't be easy but she will know in her heart she did the right thing.

On having dirty things put on your tombstone:

I’ve just listened to Savage Lovecast episode 591 and there was a discussion about what is permissible to be written on a tombstone. I live in Cologne, Germany and in the main cemetery here there’s the following tombstone…

Enjoy.