LW "Dear Dan, Is it weird that my boyfriend sent a note to his ex-wife on valentine's day?"

DAN: "Well, no not necessarily..."

LW: "Oh wait, there's more"
(LW unloads mile long list of bright red flags)

DAN: " !!! "

Obviously, as soon as you can, you need to leave this man behind you forever. My bigger concern though, is why you were attracted to him in the first place, and why the straw that broke the camel's back was this valentine and not... well... everything else about your relationship.

Ask yourself, what is normal for you? Then do some research/thinking/therapy/whatever around why that is normal and how you can change your perspective. You can get out of this relationship, but what will the next one you get into be like? If you don't work on yourself, you have a high probability of ending up someplace similar again.

Good luck!!

Oh lw, I'm so sad that you're in such a rough spot right now. Dan's advice is spot on and I have nothing to add, just wishing you luck in your job hunt and in finding strength in that "broken up in your head" state of mind until you're able to get out of this abusive relationship. <3

@2 right?!?

It's like, my partner has this annoying tick and I don't know if I can stay with them. And btw....

When the straw breaks the camel's back, don't worry so much about the straw. The valentine seems like a non-issue compared to everything else. But yes, he sent it because he was wistful for that relationship because your relationship has soured and time has allowed him to forget why he broke up with the ex in the first place.

Also, just a general request: Can we "not anymore" with the 'please don't have kids' comments? Like, we get it, the best time to have kids is when you're personally and financially stable and yadda yadda yadda. But it really feels pretty judgy - most people weren't raised by two nice suburban parents. Plenty of people today are having kids in less than perfect circumstances. The joke had it's run, it was pithy for a time, but it's in the first few comments of basically every Savage Love comment section, its about as fresh as a knock knock joke. It's 2018, let's all find more interesting things to say.

@Sport: so far as I can tell, it's always the same dude making the "don't have kids" comment. Same dude, different usernames. If you can get him to cut it out--or anything else--please share your secret.

People shouldn't have kids with bad partners, and plenty of people with bad partners don't seem to realize that. They're writing in asking for advice, and giving them this piece isn't any worse than any other piece. In fact, since having children with bad partners hurts 3 (or more) lives instead of 2, it's probably something that should keep being said.

I get that it sounds judgy. But reproductive rights are so huge precisely because women that have kids in these situations are much more likely to end up in hardcore poverty than women that opt not to. Then they get to write in about the joys of having to share custody of a vulnerable child with someone who is abusive. So, yeah, I would say it's still good to counteract the message that 'abortion is a hard decision' or 'always a tragedy' or that 'things will just work out somehow/people manage all the time' or a reminder that just because she's broken up with him in her head, she might not want to break up with her birth control method just yet.

customer: My tail light is out. It really bothers me. Maybe I should sell my car?

mechanic: No, a tail light is easy to fix, let me have a look-

customer: -also the transmission is shot, the front windscreen is shattered, the brakes don't work, the muffler drags the ground, each of the tires have been slashed by people who hate me, my son removed the steering wheel to make a go-cart, and I have to take the bus to dialysis that I pay for by going into credit card debt because my job as a telephone psychic doesn't provide health insurance.

mechanic: Oh my, I'm really sorry you've got so much going on, maybe-

customer: -and I'm blind.

mechanic: Well, maybe someone in your family can-

customer: -also I have a wooden leg.

I don't know that it's good advice to tell a woman in a situation like that to stay with the boyfriend until she gets insurance. Jobs that provide insurance are hard to come by these days- she might be waiting forever. And could the bf's abuse escalate beyond screaming and selfishness and into physical assault? Maybe that's not a concern- the LW does not mention anything that sounds like she's worried it might escalate into physical violence, but with all those red flags and her apparent difficulty in seeing the problems for what they are, I'd be a little wary of telling her to stay.

She mentions a supportive sister. She has a part time job. Could she not move in with the sister or ask the sister for help getting her own place and finding a roommate to share bills? She does not say that her insurance is through her bf. I looked twice, so unless I missed it, she just says that she needs his income to help with bills. That means she needs a second income- not necessarily HIS. Maybe family can help while she gets a roommate or maybe she can stay with her sister temporarily. What support network does she have?

Even if there is no threat of immediate abuse, she's also in a vicious cycle with the depression. She's in a relationship in which she's treated like shit, and she's in a part time job that doesn't pay her enough to live. Both require a lot of energy and clear thinking to change, but both also zap away energy by causing her to continue to be depressed. Then she doesn't exercise so she's gaining weight, and the lack of exercise- especially in someone who was so formerly active- will zap away more energy. Then she feels like shit about herself on top of everything, and she starts to feel that the relationship abuse and the job situation are normal or what she deserves. That last bit is extrapolation, but I think it's pretty clear that she's not seeing the red flags for what they are as she opened with the story about the valentine and says that she did not realize it was such a bad situation until her sis and people online pointed it out to her. This is a terrible cycle to be in, and she needs to break out of it. First step would be to leave the boyfriend NOT look for another job as Dan points out because other jobs are not easy to come by and if you are feeling like shit and have no energy and little time and no money, it's even harder to get a job. I don't know how long it's been since Dan had to go out and 'get a new job', but for most people, this is not easy.

She should brainstorm with her sister how she can get out of her current living situation. Talk to the therapist as well. Borrow money if possible from family. Get into a situation that she's single and away from this relationship. Then with that one bit of stress removed, THEN start focusing on taking care of herself and looking for a new job.

If there is no one in her life who can help her financially, either by loaning money or by being a roommate in a shared apartment or by letting her stay with them for a little while until she gets on her feet, then she might be forced to take Dan's advice and stay for a while, but I'd think that should be a last resort, not the first advice given.

In any case, all the best to the LW, it sounds dreadful. There will be life after this!

Oh btw, I'm an idiot because now (I swear I looked twice) it jumped right out at me where she said she got the insurance through him. This makes me so mad at the US medical system. She could see if she qualifies (at a reduced income) for medicaid. On top of that, she does not have to physically live with this man to stay on his insurance in the immediate. If she moves out, it's unlikely to be the first thing he will do- call and get her butted off. So she could probably stay on it a short number of months while she figures everything else out. It's possible (she knows the nature of the man better than we do) that he would even go along with this as a part of an amicable breakup? I recommend she talk to someone who works with women fleeing domestic violence situations. Even though her situation is not physically violent, they might be able to tell her about insurance options.

If we ever get medicare for all in this country, I think the first thing that will happen is loads of people will change jobs and end relationships. It will be transformative.

PSD @3, yes - this. I'm would guess that LW is either very young, or she has had very few relationships before this one, or maybe both. Otherwise, it would not have taken EIGHT YEARS (plus the virtual Greek chorus screaming "Abuse!" in her online support group) for LW to realize that not all straight women have to put up with screaming, inconsiderate, self-absorbed man-children like her horrible BF. It makes me wonder whether she grew up in an emotionally abusive environment and simply assumes that chronic misery is the price of admission for living together, or whether she never had the opportunity to see how men treat their partners in healthy, loving relationships. Whatever the reason for her relationship blinders, if it takes the BF sending a fairly innocent e-Valentine to his ex-wife to make LW mad enough to finally decide to DTMFA (even if it's only a mental exercise in the short-term while she lines up her escape plan), then let's all give thanks for Valentine's Day and those exes we never entirely forget.

Good luck, OVER - you can do this, and better late than never. Please check in with Dan again when this cruddy relationship is truly over, and you are in a far better place!

What fresh hell is this where breaking up with someone affects your access to medication. Yikes.

Single Payer now! Our current system is a shitshow (yes, yes, ACA is better than it was), and we need action now.

And don’t vote for Democrats or Republicans who refuse to support it at the national level.
Patty Murray
Maria Cantwell
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Chuck Schumer
Hillary Clinton
The entire Republican Party

The list goes on.

Oh, and LW, if you don’t get enough hours at your shitty job maybe you do qualify for state run Medicaid. You should look into it.

OVER, please contact a national domestic abuse hotline. 1-800-799-7233.

You need to get out but you MUST have resources and an exit plan. They can help. Please call.

EL @12, I heartily second your recommendation that OVER check in with a local domestic violence agency, or contact the national hotline at 800-799-7233 or http://www.thehotline.org/about-us/conta… if she is not familiar with the resources in her community. Their services are FREE and completely confidential, and they are trained to help victims and survivors reclaim their own identities and put together a practical, safe action plan, regardless of whether the abuse is physical, psychological, emotional, or a combination. Often, just learning about typical patterns of abuse, that other people have experienced the same things and have been able to break out of the cycle - that you are not crazy and this is not all your fault, regardless of what your abusive partner tries to tell you - is a good start toward regaining one's confidence and self-esteem, which can be a helpful first step in leaving a toxic but not life-threatening relationship.

Public Service Announcement, tangent though not directly relevant to the current thread: most of these services, and definitely the national hotline, are also available to men who are being abused by their partners. All victims of domestic abuse have to struggle to overcome feelings of powerlessness, self-blame, and humiliation, and many retain a deeply conflicted sense of love, loyalty, and a trained reluctance to do anything positive for themselves that might upset the abusive partner; male victims are further burdened and traumatized by the widespread cultural assumption that men can't be abused unless they want to be, especially not by someone who is physically smaller. Men are far less likely to contact domestic violence agencies than women in similar situations, but those who have say they wish they had done it earlier.

Some local services are funded and exclusively staffed by women and for women who have experienced traumatic rape and/or abuse by men. But the counselors at women-only centers will still refer any men who contact them to partnering organizations and resources for confidential, non-judgmental counseling and support.

You don't know, OVER? Yes, you clearly do.

Take heart. You're in the driver's seat here. You get to choose when you leave this guy. Good luck.

Mr. Netanyahu @ 1
Even Sportlandia is fed up with you.

He probably doesn't have anything going on with his ex - he's just a narcissist who can't stand the idea of anyone moving on and not having him as the center of their world, so he tries to string her along a bit for the attention.

That being said, since sending his ex a card is apparently where she draws the line (and not all the actually objectively shitty behavior) I'm tempted to tell her "yes, yes he is banging her," just because that's the only thing that will make her leave.

On having children-- It's been a while since I ran into it at my age, but I remember from my teenage years a stoner phenomenon where someone would hear a funny joke or tell a funny joke that got a good reception, and then they'd repeat it over and over and over until you'd wonder how it ever could have been funny even the first time. Think old cheech and chong routines. That may be what's going on with the "don't have children" lines. It's become something that some people (one person?) say because it still cracks them up. Whatever.

More importantly for OVER. (Because she might not be a regular reader of this comments column and might not know that "don't have children" appears in all of them.) At some point your depression and anxiety will lift. They might never be entirely gone, but with therapy and medication there's every reason to believe they'll get much much better until it becomes a manageable, not too bad, chronic condition. You'll get out of the bad situation you're in and into a better one. It's possible that you'll have a job you like, health insurance you like, a living situation you like, maybe a boyfriend who makes you happy. At that point if you want children you can consider having them. For now, accidental pregnancy seems awfully unlikely since you're not having sex together, but if you should have sex again before you're able to move out, make absolutely sure all birth control is in place.

As for the valentine. I don't know why it is, but it's very common for someone to have all the reasons in the world to break up someone and then be furious when that person breaks up with them first. You've got a variation on that. This guy is horrible. There are plenty of reasons to want nothing more to do with him. And yet jealousy kicks in when there's the possibility that he's paying attention to someone else. It's illogical but very common.

The LW has lots of thoughts, and they're almost all dismal or crushing. Serious stuff, like her bf's abusive yelling (over things like a new haircut that should be fun), and matters closer to trivialities (like the couple's having played with larger women in the past) have all got rolled up together in her mind. My guess is that this state of 'not being able to think straight' is typical of poverty: there are so many concerns, including with the availability essential goods like food, shelter and healthcare, that it becomes very difficult to sort out what is major from what's incidental. But this is what I'd urge the LW to do: to impose some kind of hierarchy on her thoughts.

It seems that her relationship is dead, yes? She deserves better--someone who doesn't lose it over minor oversights like charging a car or differences of taste over a haircut. So this must be the one big thing that registers in her mind--it's over, and she's now finding the time to plan to get back on her feet. How much money does she need to live? What job will she have? Will she need to get another? Can she upgrade her current one? Who can support her?--who, that is, can sometimes cook or clean for her while she puts in extra hours to e.g. buy the time to research her Medicare entitlements, or to apply for better jobs, or to start taking a course? What friends or family does she have round? (Her useless bf / soon-to-be-ex shouldn't even be in the picture at this point).

It does get better; but someone may need iron clarity of mind over what they want (and how their current relationship is no part of what they want) to get from a bad place to a way of being that has a shot at a better future.

Sporty @6: "Bub Boswell" is "Commentor Commentatus," who routinely shat on the comments section with his "don't have kids" posts, (however irrelevant that comment was to the letter at hand), speaking of himself in the royal we, and periodic misogynist rants. It's just this one loser troll. Ignore him or report him. Reporting him does work!

Kasatka @8: There is no need to say "don't have kids" to a LW who never mentioned that they were even considering having kids. She should also probably not buy a house with him or get his name tattooed on her butt cheek. Should we say that in response to every letter, too? Don't feed the troll!

Jodo @14: This letter illustrates everything that is wrong with capitalism. Why do people cling to this awful system of privatised health care???

22- Harriet: "My guess is that this state of 'not being able to think straight' is typical of poverty."

That's perhaps a little true to an extent, but more relevant 'not being able to think straight' is typical of anxiety and depression. Poverty and depression can be related but not always in the cause and effect ways we imagine. Poverty can cause depression. Depression can cause poverty. Either can exist without the other. Bad relationships can cause depression. Depression can cause one to stay in bad relationships that cause worse depression. Depression can strike people with good relationships, good jobs, and no poverty. It's all very knotty and something to be worked out in therapy.

Dan has good advice but I have concerns. If he sees or feels that she is pulling away/not caring/becoming more independent/not reacting to his abuse, would his pattern or method of abuse escalate? Because he would be losing control of her? I would recommend a backup plan that includeds a quicker exit or dealing with a crisis.

The health insurance thing is important, but you don't want to keep living with that guy indefinitely. Back in the day I was in a long term relationship that fizzled out, and we kept living together to finish up the lease we had signed. We were only able to afford to live where we did because we were a couple, and couldn't have afforded our own places in the area. He displayed similar red flags, designed to make me jealous and feel inadequate. My guess is that's the reason he showed you that Valentine - to spark jealousy. In my case, my then-boyfriend was the one who got jealous, though, of men I was befriending. One night he came home drunk and attacked me, and after that it was time for us to find separate housing. He had never been physically abusive before, but in hindsight I saw the red flags. He had seemed disinterested, but he was actually stewing in resentment toward me. Something that sticks out to me in your story is that you mention a sister and several online friends. It sounds like in your 8 years with this guy he's done something to dissuade you from maintaining close friendships. If you're going to keep living with him, you're going to need to surround yourself with voices other than his. Start hanging out with more women, and be straightforward with them about your situation. "Our relationship is terrible but I'm staying for now because of insurance." Then when he says or does something hurtful, you will have people to talk to about it and won't have to preface your discussion with a full explanation of what's going on with your boyfriend. In my situation, I wasn't very forthcoming with my friends about what was happening, partly because I just didn't want to put it into words and also partly because I knew their reaction would be to tell me to kick the guy out, and I felt that I'd be judged as weak for continuing to live with an emotionally abusive person. So it's important that you're blunt and honest with friends about what's going on, otherwise they won't be able to help you when there's a problem. Aside from providing a support network, hanging out with other people will just help get him off your mind and will let you enjoy your own life.

Yes, the relationship is Over but why hasn't anyone, including Dan, just advise her to DTMFA?

27-Mas-- Because then she'd be homeless and without health insurance more quickly than if she got her ducks in a row first. Recall that the A in DTMFA stands for Already. In this case it's more like Dump The Mother Fucker AFTER (some careful planning).

Everything everyone has said is right. IJWTS that halfway into the first paragraph I wanted to break up with the LW myself. Until she does DTMFA, at least the rest of the world will be spared both of them.

@14: I have no idea how this LW thinks her medications are covered, but there is no health care plan that is going to let you share a plan with a boyfriend.

There is no coverage level that is "Individual and Boyfriend."

She is either lying, this guy is more than a "boyfriend" (maybe common law married based on time?) or she being gas lighted to a truly horrifying extreme.

This column feels more like a window in to how oblivious people can be to their own problems than anything else

@23 BDF

Just a quick note here. People aren't clinging to our shitty medical system. Some form of universal coverage- single payer, medicare for all- is by far the most popular option. There are still people who hold back and claim that it will lead to communism and death panels and who honest to god believe that they should not have to contribute one dime to the greater health of society and who seem to misunderstand how insurance works (healthy people pay into it even when they don't need it now), but those people are the minority.

The reason that the US does not have a better system is not because of the general opinion of its residents. It's because political leadership is straight-out owned by the medical/pharmaceutical industry. This is on both sides, Dem and Rep. It is changing, very slowly, and I could speak at length about what that is requiring, but I know this isn't the place. As with almost all major issues in the US, campaign finance reform would go a long way towards solving the problem. I think we should fire the whole lot of them.

@30 Theodore,

I'm hardly an expert on this issue, but this is just incorrect. Some insurance companies do allow you to cover nonmarried partners though I believe it is less common with employer provided insurance unless you work for a very progressive company. Also common law is a thing, and some states do allow for domestic partnership status. She could also mean that she purchases her insurance on the exchange yet HE pays for it. Also if they count their household income together, her insurance might cost her more than if she were purchasing it with her income alone, and I'm not sure how long a change in income takes before you can change your monthly rate. I'm considering a job change myself, and it will greatly reduce our income so that if I make this change, it will be difficult for us to continue our monthly payments but some people told me that they will base it on the prior years' taxed income even though your current income might be significantly different (don't know if that's true and I've been procrastinating about looking because I'd rather saw off my fingers than go to the ACA website). I have no idea what the LW's situation, but it's a common problem for people to stay in relationships for health insurance, and I don't see any reason to speculate that she's being less than honest just because she didn't explain the details of how they are navigating this convoluted system.

@32: That would fall under the "more than a boyfriend" category as stated above. A domestic partnership is a legal relationship (and a valid Qualifying Life Event), whereas "boyfriend" is not.

That being said, your company has an extremely liberal domestic partner provision. Most require a much longer time, and the majority of places removed that coverage when same gender legal marriage became law, as the domestic partnership provisions were often just ways to get around the fact that gays could not get married.

@19 I'm not calling anyone out. @7's comment aside, I haven't noticed if it's one particular person or not - it seems omnipresent in threads going back before Bub started posting. I'm sure I've posted similar comments. It was a normal, non-controversial thing to post for a long time. Just saying, I think it's time to move on.

@33: As I said in #33, she may have a different relationship than "boyfriend" with this guy, but that is all the information she gives.

If she is just living with him as a "girlfriend," she would not legally be allowed to claim income as a household, as they have no legal relationship. Imagine the fraud that could take place if you just had to claim "girlfriend" status for benefits.

If he simply pays for her health insurance, then that is a greater issue of dependency that she needs to address herself.

The system isn't actually that convoluted, what defines a legal relationship is pretty simple, though that can change based on what state you live in.

As per your ACA questions, you have to estimate your plan year' adjusted gross income when you sign up, and your costs/subsidies will be based solely on that year's estimate. If your income changes during that plan year, you need to report it, or else you may get a nasty surprise when you file a tax return. Changes in income can affect subsidies if you qualify, but it should not change the actual cost of your plan if you do not qualify for subsidies.

Source: Been working in health insurance industry since before the ACA was being debated, and still here.

#25 is right on. I'm going through this exact scenario and he did figure out that my feelings/actions were changing and he DID ramp up the abuse and threats because he was losing power and control. I finally started recording our "conversations" because the gaslighting got so bad. (Gaslighting stopped when he found out I'd recorded him and volunteered to play it back!)

Dan is right however, making that "break" in your head has helped my mental health more than anything else I could have done. It's difficult, and I don't know if I'll ever divorce. But, I've taken my life and my sex life back. I would love to know how it comes out for you. I'm still lonely but, it's more manageable.

A back-up plan is essential - and so is money. Tuck a little away where it can't be found and talk to a close friend who can help you in an emergency.

It may not seem convoluted to you, Theodore, working in the health insurance industry, but just your simple explanation of change in income and cost/subsidies, requirement to update estimates and reporting, is extremely convoluted for most of us. I don't even know what you mean by changing subsidies if I qualify vs actual cost, etc. I know that I recently changed doctors and it was a nightmare finding one that was in-network and had an in-network anesthesiologist. I didn't even know this was a thing until I was in the doc's office and they ordered blood work and it turned out the lab the doc used was out of network and I had to go to a different one so that made me realize I needed to inquire about everyone involved in the procedure. It might seem simple to you, but for the majority of us, it's a convoluted nightmare and it makes me want to burn the fucking country to the ground though instead I just drink and rant online.

I don't know if he's techincally her bf or her domestic partner or if some of her basic needs are simply dependent on his income (what do you mean by she needs to address it herself? As opposed to what?), but I don't think that it makes any difference to the situation. Though teasing out the details of this are necessary for her to find alternative means of health care- she is going to have to talk to someone who understands the system and can help her find what will work for her.

Emma @33: Fair point indeed about it not being the American people who are in favour of this barbaric system. Vote 'em all out and start over, indeed.

@38: My apologies for seeming curt, I meant that the legal relationships and how they influence healthcare is relatively simple, as in it always has to hinge on a legal relationship.

In regards to your cost questions, if you make enough so that you do not get subsidized health care per the ACA, then your income increasing will not change your costs, but if the income change you are expecting lowers your income to the level that you qualify for a subsidy, then the costs will go down as the government pays part of your costs. The healthcare.gov site has calculators where you can enter this information and it will do all the math for you.

https://www.healthcare.gov/reporting-cha…

What I meant when I said that the LW needs to figure out her dependency issues herself is simply stating that depending on an abusive asshole for basic needs is an untenable life. Regardless of how or why she is in this position, she needs to figure out how to live independently, which is a much bigger issue than whether or not she should dump this asshole, which obviously she should.

The main issue is that she has built a life in which her basic needs are apparently dependent on some dude. Everything else is just a symptom.

The problem is that my insurance is currently employer-provided. In the past, it has been through the market. Obviously the second is much more expensive, and even though I've looked over all those plans, once you start looking at the amount you have to pay out of pocket and deductibles and different networks (meaning I'd have to change some providers) then it becomes a nightmare and seems hardly worth it. The job changes would reduce income, and if we had to apply through the ACA right now with current income, then the rates it quotes me are so high that I'd not be able to continue monthly payments if my income is reduced. I would be unlikely to qualify for any sort of aid. So, like so many Americans, we're stuck in jobs that pays decently and provides insurance (I know I shouldn't complain, most people don't have that) even though we don't want to continue these jobs, would like to move on to a different phase in life which we can afford if not for the expense of health insurance, and if we were to get sick and have to pay all those out of pocket expenses (while it's better than going bankrupt) it's still EXTREMELY expensive. So we'd pay nearly a thousand a month for two people and a dependent and then additional thousands a year for deductibles- it just seems impossible to not get fucked. I'm sure if I shopped around more and asked more intelligent questions and learned the system instead of getting angry about it and shutting down, I could find a slightly better deal. But it just seems like we could take care of all of this through taxes. Then the fucking tax bill reduced taxes on corporations so that billionaires are now paying at a much reduced rate, percentage of income-wise, than I am. Plus they are talking about gutting medicare and ss to pay for it- I don't know if they can get away with that? Will it still be around when I retire? And what about the future of the ACA? As things are now, it's doomed to fail if they dont reform it right? I can't stop thinking that the only solution is to leave the goddamn country. And I'm someone with more options than most people! What are people like this LW supposed to do?

So it troubles me a bit when people say things like "she has built a life in which her basic needs are apparently dependent on some dude" even though I don't think you meant it the way I'm taking it. The majority of people aren't dancing about endless options for financial independence. It's impossible to build a society in which every single person is able to pay for all their lifelong costs by themselves. This woman works part time. She wishes to work full time but the job doesn't offer it. She wants a second job but scheduling it is difficult- this is a common problem, I've been in that situation. It's hard to find a new job while you still have a first, and we don't know anything about her qualifications. I don't think healthcare should be something that is only available to professionals. I think every minimum wage worker and even beggars on the street should have it. And it's totally NORMAL for people to form relationships together and have their finances intertwined as they build a life together. It's normal. Humans are not supposed to be atomized workers that pay for everything entirely independently from craddle to grave - that's not even possible nor desirable.

@39 it's worth wondering how our politicians - former children, "regular americans" all of them, drawn from the same general pool of people that (apparently) massively prefers single-payer - come to deviate from the general American opinon. Something happens - the money, the political realities, hidden information use plebes don't know about. There's nothing to suggest that "voting them all out" and replacing them with new candidates would change anything, as you're still drawing from the same pool. Apples from the same tree don't fall that far away from each other.

Sportlandia, it's not mysterious, come on. Voting them out and replacing them under the existing system, yes of course that's going to lead to the same results. That's why I said you'd need massive campaign finance which would solve many of the problems across the system. For one thing, they wouldn't have just voted to decrease the corporate tax rate from 35% to 21%. For another, they'd establish some system of universal health care like everywhere else in the world. And for another, we wouldn't have a system in which the richest people on the planet tell us to get used to the fact that we're going to have trillionaires soon while their lower skilled employees qualify for foodstamps. Who do you think subsidizes those profits?

campaign finance *reform*

@42: It sounds like the compensation package you would be getting from the new job is simply not enough to support your current needs. Perhaps I misunderstood, but it appears you got your ACA quotes based on your current income, and not what you would estimate the new income to be. If you try again with what your estimated lower income would be, it may give you a quote that is more affordable for your situation.

Getting a new job or losing a current one should qualify you to get onto an ACA plan mid-year (we call this a Qualifying Life Event or QLE), so you are not necessarily anchored to your current plan, or one that you would get through the ACA with your current job. So if your income change is great enough to qualify you for assistance, you could enter into that arrangement in the middle of the plan year.

I would advise you to call their help line (1800-318-2596) and talk to someone directly who can answer these questions more fully.

I am well aware that healthcare in this country is broken, and know likely more than most that the ACA was never going to last. The numbers never added up, and they were never going to. I fully support universal healthcare too. If you were hungry I would send you a pizza, but am pretty powerless in regards to health insurance.

I usually don't check back here after I leave work, but if you have any more questions about anything health insurance related, I will check back tonight and see if I can answer them. Also, if you want me to arrange a pizza be delivered to you anyway, you can send me the restaurant, time, order, and an acceptable address to: garbage.can.2131@gmail.com and I will make that happen. I completely understand if this is too weird for you, so feel free to decline.

@44 I was chiding BDF on her continued stance that there are different level of people in the world, some type of "us" and "them" delineation. But I think you're right, the system is set up in such a way to produce the current results. While I'm not super satisfied with the results, I don't know a better alternative (and I'm very dubious about applying the lessons of a group of racially and culturally homogeneous people from nations roughly the size of washington state being viable for this country)

OVER said her job makes getting a second job infeasible because of the hours. I don't know what industry she works in, but what about freelancing? There are so many jobs on the Internet that are flexible and allow you to pick your projects while working from home - writing/editing, transcription, customer support rep, Uber/Uber Eats/Lyft etc driver, online tutoring, data entry, etc. I did a search for "work that can be done from home" and got 1.4 billion results. Admittedly it can be a bit difficult to find a legit work-from-home job, but surely even being an Uber driver would beat living with a verbally abusive boyfriend?

@24. Fichu. I think one can be a psychologist, roughly, and think that issues in the mind, character, personality and individuals' personal histories have precedence over the determinations of class, income, cultural background etc., or be a sociologist and think that structural factors come first. Generally, and in this case, I'm going to be a 'sociologist'. Of course, there won't always be an imperative to choose between the two forms of explanation; and in practice they can be pick-'n'-mixed and reconciled sure enough.

My motivation for saying something 'sociological' this time is that it can seem to an outsider that the LW can't see the wood for the trees--that she's drowning in detail, when the important thing is that she gives up her abusive relationship. But I think this is just what's hard to see when you're poor and have a ton of things (like not having healthcare ... needing to work a second or third job ... having no holiday ... divvying up your things for Goodwill or storage in your friend's lot) coming at you at once. Better-adjusted, better-off people aren't necessarily better at homing in on their important choices ... they just have fewer decisions to have to deal with.

Who else was shouting "DTMFA" by the end of paragraph 2? Never mind the bloody Valentine's, ditch the prick.

This letter breaks my heart. She should leave ASAP--he's an abusive asshole. But it's easy for everyone to tell her to leave when we don't have to consider how she will support herself.
Maybe her sister can let her live with her for a while as she sorts it all out and gets a different job or a second job.

Re: being on her boyfriend's insurance--sometimes Dan changes a detail or two; perhaps they're married. But she also says they've been together for 8 years, which could mean that they're domestic partners or common law-married. She might easily still refer to him as her boyfriend, though.

I just thought I'd throw this to the commentariat. Did anyone else not find it strange that the MF would be sending a Valentine (even such a passive one) to his ex from whom he's been separated for AT LEAST 8 years? Is this the first year he sent it, on some nostalgic quirk? Or was he abusive to her too and is now twisting the knife just for kicks? What if the ex has a new partner/husband? What if she doesn't?

Anyway, getting back to OVER's position, I feel she won't be able to keep up the subterfuge that nothing in the relationship is bothering her or that she's planning to ditch him - especially when he's screaming at her. The sooner she can move, the better, even if she has to abandon some possessions. Possessions are just ... stuff while her mental and emotional health are being currently shredded to pieces.

As for everyone who's giving her work suggestions WHILE SHE'S STILL LIVING WITH THIS MF, please get real. You need to have a fairly quiet and stable home environment to take online orders (because you get paid by the order, so speed is essential); you need your own vehicle to be a driver; and how would he react if she were going out all the time ... just to earn a bit of money driving strangers? These suggestions might make a bit more sense once she's in a less stressful living situation, so one hopes that her sister could put her up until OVER can regain some stability in her life.

Thanks for the patience, the explanation and the pizza offer, Theodore. You are really good at conveying information while still turning a heated conversation into something productive and calm. I appreciate it!

Abusers get more abusive over time. Until you start to pull away. Then they either get charming or scary threatening. So be ready for either.

If he gets more charming, he's still an abusive asshole you need to leave, but it will maybe be a bit easier to ride that ride for a month or two as you get another situation lined up.

If he gets scary or starts to make even more threats, be mentally ready to call a women's shelter while he's away and move out, completely and finally.

And no sex (at all, ideally) without birth control. If you tell him no and he tries anyway, that's rape and it's morally acceptable to cut his dick off.

Hey Theodore Gorath, I appreciate your contributing with real content and humanity here. If you'd choose to focus on that type of comment, it would make me happy, for what that's worth.

LW, you can call a hotline or a shelter even if you don't expect to use a shelter and don't know if you "qualify" for a hotline. They would be happy to help you make contingency plans /just in case/ you have to get out even without insurance or other parts of your life lined up. And to preplan your "red line" when you'd trigger these. Hope you don't need it but it's hard to be confident he won't escalate.

Seriously, hotline folks so often talk to people who are down to one emergency option, they would love to hear from you with a chance to make some plans ahead. You'll make their day.

Sporty @47: Of course people are different. Haven't the events of last week illustrated it? There are people who continue to maintain that it's more important that they get to buy as many killing machines as they want than that children can get through a school day without being shot. We are NOT all the same.

Helenka @52: I don't think it was so much that we didn't think it was strange, but that it was the absolute least offensive of this MF's behaviours and therefore completely beside the point. The what ifs of the valentine are irrelevant. He's abusive towards his wife, therefore she needs to formulate an exit plan and get out.

Helenka @52 - where did the LW say she doesn't have a car? Granted, she might not, but if she's getting overcharged at an autoshop and has a job, I think it's safe to assume she has a car for at least part of the day.

Like everyone else, including you, I don't know her exact circumstances or how quiet her home is. I was just putting some suggestions out there that I didn't see anyone else making, in case it strikes a chord. The LW is free to completely disregard it if it's useless to her. But she mentioned wanting a second job, so is it so unrealistic to suggest an option she may or may not have considered? Sure, maybe it wouldn't work out for her. But maybe it would. And if it did, it would bring her one step closer to being more financially independent and able to get away from her abusive boyfriend.

Another reason I suggested it is because I had an emotionally and verbally abusive boyfriend long ago too. Having two jobs - a full-time job and a part-time one - meant that I was away from him and his screaming-at-me more, plus it made it easier to get some perspective (for one thing, it made me realize just how unreasonably possessive and unsupportive he was). Again, this may not apply at all to the LW's case. But it might also help her to make that break and start seeing him as a roommate instead of a boyfriend.

Like I said, maybe everything I wrote is completely useless advice to the LW. But that's her call to make, not yours. And I'd rather I say something that turns out to be completely useless that she can choose to ignore, than not say anything and it turns out it was advice she could have used.

I've been in roughly this same relationship, but kind of from both sides. My ex was verbally and mentally abusive, but I was the one with the actual job and most of the 'power'. I was so beaten down by him and woefully naïve about what being in a 'relationship' actually meant that I put up with it for far too long. After five years of the screaming and insults and whatever else struck his whim, it was a relatively small thing that finally made me snap back to reality and kick him out of my life. As previous commenters have said, the straw that finally broke the camel's back - it doesn't have to be a huge weight all at once. Sometimes it's the feather that lands on top of years of accumulated bullshit that proves to be too much. The Valentine's card is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. She's just waking up to how bad it really is and realising that it won't get better as long as she's with him.

As for insurance, I had put him on my policy at work as a domestic partner. It didn't take much, just proof of living together for six months. Just a simple form that I filled out at HR, and then when it was over I took him off again. No muss, no fuss, no tax/legal repercussions. Granted I do work for a very good company, but this was also nearly fifteen years ago, so...

When I need to take long overdue action, I remind myself of Tracy Chapman's lyric: "Leave tonight, or live and die this way."

I really never believed in Spells or Magics until I met this special spell caster called Dr IFA via (drifatomilolaspiritualtmple@gmail.com).
The Girl I wanted to marry left me 3 months to our weeding ceremony and my life was upside down,she was with me for 3years and i really love her so much, she left me for another man with no reasons,when i called her she never picked up my calls and she don't want to see me around her...so,when i told the man what happened.he helped me to do some readings,and after the readings he made me to realize that the other man has done some spells over my wife and that is the reason why she left me..he told me he will help me to cast a spell to bring her back.At first i was skeptical but i just gave it a try...In less than 45 hours she called me herself and came to me apologizing..I cant believe she can ever come back to me again but now i am happy she's back and we are married now and we live as a happy family..Am posting this because i believe there are many people out there who might need his help here is his contact email: (drifatomilolaspiritualtmple@gmail.com)

My husband left 3 month ago we've been married for 3 years. We have a daughter living at the house and we have another daughter who is in high school. He’s the one that wanted to leave I have been left devastated emotional crying wanting him back he made no attempt to contact me he goes through the children he moved in with the guy from work I know where he’s at. We haven’t been connecting for the past months or two we've just been sweeping things under the rug and then I found out that he had been texting a married woman at work and they would text more than 600 times a month but he would delete them when I confronted him about it he then went and bought a prepaid phone where I couldn't track any of the numbers so the situation blew up and he decided to move in with this guy he said it would only be for a month but I’m was scared that it’s going to be longer. I feel that in my book of cheating if your texting a married woman and deleting the text messages that’s cheating because if there’s nothing to hide you wouldn't be deleting these text messages and you wouldn't have bought a prepaid phone. I feel lost and confused and don’t know where to go I went back to church and put my problems in God’s hands I pray everyday I read my Bible several times a day to try to get me through this. I try not to put the kids in the middle of this but it’s hard because he will not return any of my calls which I've only called him once but he won’t return any of my text messages either he always goes through the kids. I was lost and confused, But I prayed to God to please help bring back my King my happiness, It was really hard for me, I did all I could and nothings seems to change, Until I meet a spell caster Called Dr Ifa who turn my pain to Joy and my sorrow to happiness, I told Dr Ifa my relationship problem and he told me that he will pray and my husband will come back home. never believed because I was so lost and confused but i have the faith in God that my king will come back home, But lucky for me DR IFA was the one who brought my love back to me, he is a good spell caster. his contact address is (drifatomilolaspiritualtmple@gmail.com) You can still save your marriage if u really love your husband or wife.

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I will try to make this short as possible. In July I found out that my husband of almost 17yrs was having an affair and he actually brought this woman to my home. I was devastated to say the least. I met my husband 18yrs ago and he swept me off my feet and we got married 11 months after we met. We had a great marriage (I thought) we have two beautiful boys. In 2015 we moved 800 miles away to a very small town due to his job. I quit my high paying job at a company that I had worked at for 14yrs to move away from my family and job/career to be a stay at home mom. Then here we are 2 and 1/2 years later going through a divorce and no job. I felt schizophrenic going through all of these emotions from acceptance, to denial, to how can this be and back again. I tried all the best effort i could to get him back from this woman whom he was having an affair with, and make him see how much i love to be with him. but he insisted he never wanted to be with me anymore. Its was almost 4 months since he started living with this other woman, then i decided to use Dr. Jack spells for help because i had no other choice and i felt everything was lost to me. I had the most wonderful and happy marriage after using his spell in just 48 hours, and that was how my marital life was fixed back to its right track. If you are one of the people who is in a loveless and unhappy marriage that cannot be salvaged (and you can only determine that by being very honest with yourself), believe me...there is light at the end of this tunnel. Here is his Email:

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I thank Priest manuka for the restoration of my marriage. We have been separated for 3 years. We started talking about reconciliation. It was something we both didn’t plan. I started searching on the net for people who God restored their marriages and I found priest manuka, on how he has help so many relationship by his spell casting with his contact ,then i contact him for help suddenly after the spell casting my husband return back home 6 days after the spell casting and ask for forgiveness and now we are living together happily once again thank you priest manuka for your help. Any stander out there having such problem should email priest manuka and he will help you in your situation his via: lovesolutiontemple1@gmail.com

My testimony suddenly just happened last weekend. My husband called me late one night and told me he and the other woman had gotten into an accident while arguing and fighting in the car. He then explained he didn't want to be with her anymore. He is still in another state right now because of his job but it will be ending soon and he'll be back home. This is the same man who told me to move on and stop praying because we would never be together and that he didn't love me anymore. But Fadhili Chausiku turn everything around for my good and remove the evil woman from my marriage. She wanted to spoil and destroy my marriage with her greed. Now we talk, text, and Facetime every day. I am so grateful to my father in heaven for using Fadhili Chausiku in restoring my marriage and saving my family. I know we still have a long way to go but I thank Fadhili Chausiku for what he has done for me and my marriage. I just want to encourage all the standers to keep standing, fight for what belongs to you and you will have it. Thank you so much for reading.
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I read some testimonies about a love spell caster by Dr. OCUSODO on how he has helped lots of people in bringing back their ex lovers within 48hours, Sincerely I was just thinking if that was real and if this man could really help bring back my lover whom I love so much. I decided to contact him because I love my boyfriend very much and we have been apart for a couple of months I really missed him so much, I have tried all other means to get him back but couldn't contacted Dr. OCUSODO and he told me that my ex will come back to me in the next 48 hours,Dr. OCUSODO released him up to know how much i loved and wanted him. And opened his eyes to picture how much we have share together. My ex is now back to me again.As I`m writing this testimony right now I`m the most happiest girl on earth and me and my boyfriend is living a happy life and our love is now stronger than how it were even before our break up.All thanks goes to Dr. OCUSODO for the excessive work that he has done for me by helping me to get back with my ex boyfriend. I would like to drop Dr. OCUSODO mail address and hope you see this testimony and contact him if you have a lover that you really want back so badly, His mail: drocusodospellcaster@gmail.com or drocusodospellcaster@yahoo.com website: http://drocusodospelltemple.webs.com

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My testimony suddenly just happened last weekend. My husband called me late one night and told me he and the other woman had gotten into an accident while arguing and fighting in the car. He then explained he didn't want to be with her anymore. He is still in another state right now because of his job but it will be ending soon and he'll be back home. This is the same man who told me to move on and stop praying because we would never be together and that he didn't love me anymore. But Fadhili Chausiku turn everything around for my good and remove the evil woman from my marriage. She wanted to spoil and destroy my marriage with her greed. Now we talk, text, and Facetime every day. I am so grateful to my father in heaven for using Fadhili Chausiku in restoring my marriage and saving my family. I know we still have a long way to go but I thank Fadhili Chausiku for what he has done for me and my marriage. I just want to encourage all the standers to keep standing, fight for what belongs to you and you will have it. Thank you so much for reading.
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Ann Teresa (Florida)

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Thanks
Caroline Grilli

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THANKS TO YOU ALL FOR TAKING YOUR TIME TO READ MY TESTIMONY AND MOST ESPECIALLY YOU.

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