Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: A guy who laps it up, this woman's boyfriend sent a Valentine to her ex, a straight guy wants to know how to hook up with a lesbian, and a letter and relationship that both should have ended a lot sooner than they did. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

For Please Don't Print My Name:

This writer could have been telling a story about my first boyfriend, except my boyfriend's ex didn't just pretend to not see him on the street. The ex had his brother call my BF to say he'd committed suicide (this was before the Internet) only to pass us on the street one day to the obvious shocked disbelief of my BF. Did realizing his ex faked a suicide to get rid of him make me realize I was involved with a predatory emotional psychopath? Sort of, but he needed me. He was unhappy without me. I wasn't going to be a stereotypical gay guy and leave without giving it an all-American try. No sirreee. Not me. I had to show society that I was one of the good gays. I was going to make our relationship work! I cringe when remembering that I really thought that way.

I guess we all have to learn from our own mistakes in our own time, but PDPMN and anyone else in an emotionally abusive relationship needs to know this: They will not care if you leave. They will pretend they do, they will wail and moan and beg you to stay until the moment they realize that they are wasting their time, when they will set out to hunt for their next victim.

And another one for PDPMN:

Oh. My dear. Your letter touched a nerve.

You have this guy who took your desire for openness and honesty and turned it into a weapon to beat you with and you're wondering if YOU'RE the problem? Here's the thing with abuse. Love is like food. The first thing an abusive relationship does is shatter your faith that you can feed yourself - that you're capable and enough. Then the abuser begins starving you. The kind, loving moments that keep you hanging on or coming back? Those moments of kindness that are such a relief they feel like a miracle? A crust of bread can seem like a feast when you're desperately hungry.

Leave him. Be the ex he isn't "friends" with. When you have confidence that you can live and feed your own soul, you will not be nearly as vulnerable to these manipulative machinations. I feel like you could be writing about my ex. All of it. All. Of. It. is so familiar. Go and don't look back.

For OVER:

Thanks for helping OVER. I wish her the best. I would have said: "You'll probably have to stay—for now." And: "You'll have an easier time putting up with his bullshit for the next few days or weeks or months." Only OVER can make the calculation of when she'll be financially/logistically ready to leave. But from the letter I suspect she'll feel so much better once she's out (and that might help with the anxiety, etc). I think it would be a shame if "months" turned into years. Additionally, I might have said "Remind yourself today that if he notices you emotionally peeling away, he might temporarily go from "total jerk" to "marginally decent human being." Don't be fooled.

That's great advice—OVER's BF, like so many other shitty boyfriends/girlfriends/nonbinaryfriends, is highly likely to be a much better boyfriend once he realizes she's on her way out. And he will, if she recommits to the relationship, revert to shitty form. Indeed, OVER, do not be fooled!

More for OVER:

I don't know that it's good advice to tell a woman in a situation like that to stay with the boyfriend until she gets insurance. Jobs that provide insurance are hard to come by these days—she might be waiting forever. And could the BF's abuse escalate beyond screaming and selfishness and into physical assault? Maybe that's not a concern—she does not mention anything that sounds like she's worried it might escalate into physical violence, but with all those red flags and her apparent difficulty in seeing the problems for what they are, I'd be a little wary of telling her to stay.

She mentions a supportive sister. She has a part time job. Could she not move in with the sister or ask the sister for help getting her own place and finding a roommate to share bills? She does not say that her insurance is through her bf. I looked twice, so unless I missed it, she just says that she needs his income to help with bills. That means she needs a second income—not necessarily HIS. Maybe family can help while she gets a roommate or maybe she can stay with her sister temporarily. What support network does she have?

Even if there is no threat of immediate abuse, she's also in a vicious cycle with the depression. She's in a relationship in which she's treated like shit, and she's in a part time job that doesn't pay her enough to live. Both require a lot of energy and clear thinking to change, but both also zap away energy by causing her to continue to be depressed. Then she doesn't exercise so she's gaining weight, and the lack of exercise- especially in someone who was so formerly active- will zap away more energy. Then she feels like shit about herself on top of everything, and she starts to feel that the relationship abuse and the job situation are normal or what she deserves. That last bit is extrapolation, but I think it's pretty clear that she's not seeing the red flags for what they are as she opened with the story about the valentine and says that she did not realize it was such a bad situation until her sis and people online pointed it out to her. This is a terrible cycle to be in, and she needs to break out of it. First step would be to leave the boyfriend NOT look for another job as Dan points out because other jobs are not easy to come by and if you are feeling like shit and have no energy and little time and no money, it's even harder to get a job. I don't know how long it's been since Dan had to go out and 'get a new job', but for most people, this is not easy.

Some thanks:

I’m a 51-year-old married female (relationship with husband 20+ years) with a boyfriend of 4+ years (he has husband of 22+ years). My boyfriend comes from Vancouver weekly. One of my favourite things in life (amongst others) is “tub time” where he reads me Savage Love. I often say to him... you should write in (he’s been a reader of your column much longer then I). Our problem is, that we don’t have any significant problems; unless you count that he likes Listerine and I’m a Scope gal. Therefore, my reason for writing is simply to say thank you! Thank you for all the other lives and loves and sex lives you have helped. You make up for what my parents and friends never taught me.

Aw, you're welcome! And for the woman whose husband is friends with everyone but her:

My husband behaved the same way early in our marriage. I eventually figured out it was a drug problem (as in, I caught him doing meth). He also "loaned money to friends," stayed out all night "with friends," and exploded when I tried to talk about it/set boundaries. So I just wanted to bring that up. Maybe he's not cheating on her, maybe he's just doing drugs! Like that's better, right?

For Wife Is So Hot Over The Knee:

"By her own admission, I treat her with respect in our day-to-day lives."

Is she a hostile witness in a courtroom? This might just be awkward writing, but it certainly conjures an all-too-familiar image of a woman being badgered by her husband to either come up with a Specific Instance of Disrespect or admit that he is the most respectful human being to ever walk the planet and therefore deserves to spank her.

But there's a big difference between getting someone to say out loud that you treat her with respect, and actually respecting her. You present this as a question of "a small inconvenience" to her versus "an incredible amount of joy" to you. But... in what world is feeling degraded or demeaned by your life partner "a small inconvenience"? It's not an inconvenience, and it's not small. It's HUGE. It's a game-changer. You literally describe her feelings of being degraded as "small" and your feelings of sexual gratification as "an incredible amount." OF COURSE she feels degraded! You literally think her feelings are smaller than yours!

If she were writing in to this column I would say: "You deserve a partner who would be freaking DEVASTATED if he ever made you feel demeaned. You deserve someone who would be at least as upset at hurting your feelings as he would be if you hurt his. These marriages exist, and they're really the only ones worth having." (And that doesn't preclude indulging each other's fetishes, either. It only precludes dismissing each other's hurt feelings as "small inconveniences.")

To you, I can only say, I hope you grow into a better and more empathetic partner.