Too late for your usual shtick B.B. Netanyahu- apparently they already have kids.

Actually there is a dating website for OH. It's called Adult Friend Finder and it should be free to OH. There is also Couples Cupid (they love single women too), and it couldn't hurt to setup a profile on FetLife as well.
Another option are swinger/lifestyle clubs. Single women are ALWAYS welcome there and there are plenty of guys looking for unattached women. Gang Bang nights are common too, so OH might be able to put her SERIOUS need to get laid through its paces.

This is one of the more boring and easily solved SLLOTDs in awhile. The Pope could have satisfactorily answered this one.

The only thing that I take pause at is her desire to "continue living her [cis] mom life". Which is which is wanting her cake and eating it too. I want two girlfriends who cause no drama or stress and are happy to indulge me on my schedule as well, but I'm fairly certain that's a pie-in-the-sky fantasy. Is there really such a thing as "just sex" relationships? Even nondescript patronage of a sex worker is an exercise in privilege; is it really possible for wifey to get hers without giving much of herself AND maintain her established momwife lifestyle? It would seem that something would have to give if she wants sex on a more than once-a-month basis.

OH, from personal experience, you're going to be totally, fucking swamped with responses, most of them so skeevy you will be floored. You think you want that, but it actually gets kinda gross and exhausing. I'd start with the very highly specific "what I want in a person/partner" part, even if it's not that complicated or lengthy, and go light on the "I'm so horny I could die" part. That will help you cut through the steaming pile of nasty and get to Mister(s) right-for-you.

Yes, #5, it's easily possible. Be clear, be upfront, and be aware that your desires may change over time and there's nothing wrong with that.

Sporty @ 5
I don't see it as impossible to execute and an inevitable contradiction. Certainly requires some adjustments, but can be done. With so many cheat and get away with it, LW has it so much easier.
I would also avoid the online option for now due to email flooding reasons as described by westy @ 5. Swingers, munches and the like are likely to admit a single woman to the groups.

I'm struggling with the need to be honest without freaking folks out.

She is adorable. She's met men, right?

Not everyone is interested in an ongoing relationship with a married woman, and those who are might be limited in terms of what they can offer OH in terms of availability. So, OH might consider just getting a few dates under her belt and some casual sex, before trying to find her fantasy match. So long as she is being honest and careful, she might appreciate getting laid by Ms. or Mr. Rightnow, so that she can undertake the more time consuming search for a long-term sex partner.

what a hassle!

You’re a little off base today Dan. OH is looking for a regular connection, not casual sex. She would do well to look into polyamory, my fave book & website is More Than Two - www.morethantwo.com . The bits on relationship agreements are especially worth reading.

Unicorn Hunting can be problematic : www.unicorns-r-us.com

Hotel bars near center city or the airport. You don't even have to swap numbers afterwards.

As a dude who sometimes fucks ladies on my own, and sometimes with my wife, both openly, honestly, and happily, I have some advice. If I were you, I would be less concerned about whether there are people out there who want people in your situation. There are lots and lots. Post a profile on OK cupid, and be completely honest about who you are and what you are looking for. If you are shy, don't post face pics. Do answer a ton of the match questions, they actually work, and will keep you from ending up in bed with a Trump supporter, and will improve your chances of avoiding ending up in bed with a misogynist. People just starting out tend not to be choosy enough, so be picky. Don't even correspond with poor matches. You are the hot commodity here.

But if you think you will get to "live my normal cis gendered mom life in between", you are wrong. This stuff takes a lot of work, and practice. Before you and your husband become experienced, you will have fuckups, and fights, and misunderstandings. Don't neglect your responsibilities as wife/mother/partner/friend in the thrall of new relationship excitement. Once you get better at it, time management becomes the biggest challenge.

Good luck. It is sooooo worth it. I'm more in love with my wife than ever (together since 18, now 23 years later), we are better communicators, better friends, better lovers, and both get some hot side action.

@6. Westy. I agree she will be inundated. Also I agree with Dan that 'horny wife, not been laid in ten years, looking for awkward first-time fling' is the very opposite of a red flag. So--yes--she can afford to be selective; and it's advisable.

There is still an embarrassment in our culture about women expressing sexual desire so overtly. Straight men, as I would understand it, are bad at picking up more coded signs of willing when they're phrased more integrally --when a straight woman asserts she's looking for some kind of relationship, not just a fuck. So when men come across a no-holds-barred horny woman, they can fall over themselves--and treat the woman shortly, shabbily or with scant respect. Herein would lie the reasons for the LW to softpedal her sexual neediness.

It also crossed my mind 'Hubby' might be getting some sex she doesn't know about.

The thing I rediscovered after my divorce was that even with the best intentions and preparation you are going to go through a series of false starts before you find the right fit (if you ever do). Don’t get discouraged, enjoy each interaction for what it is (and isn’t). And if you’re ever in Minneapolis, CALL ME!

@5 Absolutely.

@9 yeah, right? Where is she living that she'd even for a moment think this would freak men out or repel them in any way? Very much the opposite, numberswise.

@15 eh, I've done it without any fights, but kids probably up the ante. It's probably on par with your partner having a meaningful hobby as far as conflict generation I think, unless someone truly isn't ok w it or runs across unexpected jealousy issues. With a libido imbalance you'd think it would be a huge relief to the husband, and most straight guys are cool w it if you find yourself a girl on the side, so good thing she's bi, that's an easy baby step. People manage to cheat in utter stealth all the time, so it can apparently be done in a very time managemented way. I don't think it has to be difficult, I've never found it so whether or not we started out monogamous.

@17 Harriet. Yea, really good point. Would explain a lot- where his libido went (to another woman and not her) and why he was so agreeable to opening the relationship. All those years that he neglected her and she was miserable. Finally she can't take it anymore and puts open marriage on the table, but it's more than likely that he's been selfishly getting what he wants on the side for years, assuming that she would do the same. Makes sense especially because a parent can rationalize going outside the marriage in order to preserve the children's stable home life- something along the lines of "what my wife doesn't know won't hurt her and it will keep the family intact". Meanwhile, the wife has been sad, old faithful all these years probably doing most of the house work and childcare, too exhausted to get any side action or even think about herself. I don't think hubby is such a generous nice guy, but rather has been doing whatever he wants anyway, and then ignoring and neglecting the hell out of his wife.

@17 and @20 there really are dudes with low libido out there. I know a few. We don't hear from them for obvious reasons but they exist, it's not rare, and I don't see any reason at all to think this guy is cheating.

LW and @16 I found this other LW's success at dating apps (multiple great one-offs/weekend) very insightful:
https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2018/02…

PRO TIPS:

Most women advertising that they want casual sex are dudes. So expect that other people will expect that you're really a dude.

To counter this, offer to (PG) snap-chat or voice conversation sooner rather than later.

Set up a disposable phone number (Google Voice, Line 2) that you use exclusively for people you meet online, so you can ditch the inevitable weirdos without having to get a new real phone number.

DO NOT SEND NUDE PHOTOS TO PEOPLE YOU HAVE NOT MET.

Partially because safety, and partially because people who have no intention of meeting you will quickly lose interest if you're not throwing nudes their way.

And it will give you an opportunity to gauge ability to take no for an answer... if you say no to nudes, and they respond by berating / pestering you, not someone you want to meet anyway.

Finding someone to fuck is easy. Finding someone to fuck who will respect your marriage and vanilla life is more of a challenge.

Although I'm up for it... LW didn't mention where they live but I'm happy to help you out!

@23 no. Yes, you make a good point. Not every man is always prowling. But the cynical view of it- that he's been getting it somewhere else- is probably a strong possibility as well. Water under the bridge for LW currently as they're going to open it up anyway. However, whether he cheated or didn't, it sucks that she spent literally years being neglected.

Boring, Sportlandia @5? HoHum.
Agree Max @12.
What is husband's problem, or secret, that's what I'd be asking before jumping head long into the emotional issues that might arise from such an adventure. Then, I seek less drama in my life these days, not more.

Cosigning @15. OH, have you talked with your husband about if you and he expect to be sex only, no feelings, or you'll feel feelings but your marriage is your sole relationship, or whatever expectations it is that you each have.

I ask because you talk about it as sex on the side of your existing life. That happens for some people, not saying it doesn't. Maybe you have FWB mileage that makes you pretty confident? Anyway, people get surprised too. Sex is funny stuff.

So talk about what you want, and also your contingency plans. What can he expect to say no to, like if a partner creeps him out? What happens if you fall in love with somebody? Also the usual stuff, like scheduling and STDs. (I'm sure there's a checklist for this conversation somewhere, this is the internet.) If these conversations aren't comfortable, be careful!

I'd say avoid the unicorn stuff to start with - most unicorn-hunters are a messy emotional ball of their own Feelings Drama, and you don't need that while trying to work out the boundaries of your first steps into poly. Join the poly community and make friends. Friends that are poly are good for helping you talk through the relationship drama that will come, and can tell you when you're overreacting vs. honestly seeing serious red flags of Not Okay. Then have some discrete flings and work from there.

Sporty @5: I have two boyfriends (and until recently, a sub) so I don't know why your ideal relationship structure is being dismissed as "pie in the sky." There are, indeed, such things as FWB relationships. Step one is treating women with more respect, but once you've cleared that hurdle, I don't see why polyamory wouldn't be possible for you. Cake is for eating. Sure, this LW can have a husband and kids and a sex life. Her husband is OK with it so why not?

Since this LW is bi, one thing she can do to avoid being flooded by responses is hide her OKCupid profile from straight people. Game changer. I have only had one inappropriate message since I exercised this option. And yes, all she has to say is that she's married with kids and in an open relationship. Lots of poly folks would be interested in an ongoing, mostly sexual, relationship with someone like her.

No @21: Sorry, but finding a man on the side is going to be much MUCH easier than finding a woman on the side. If she wants sex NOW, she won't limit herself to ladies.

Biggie @25: Wise words. Traffic Spiral @29, this is good advice too.

Beaver @28: Good point about the possibility of catching feelings. This is what makes open relationships so irritatingly complicated.

Good luck, LW!

Sporty @5 cont'd. Unless what you mean is that you want two girlfriends, each of whom has sex only with you. That would indeed be harder to find. What about two sex dolls?

@27 LavaGirl - I'm kind of shocked that you'd say that! Usually you are one of my fave commenters (bet you didn't know you have international fans!)
There's nothing mysterious or even problematic about having a low libido if the dude is okay with it. (In this case he seems okay with it, and okay with the solution they have arrived at.) By definition half of everyone has a lower than average libido, and somebody has to be the lowest. The pathologizing of men with low sex drives unfair and harmful to those men.

@30 Dude flood - yeah, and I was tempted to add in there that NSA w/ guys is exponentially easier to find (ratio depending on location a bit but still) but married women looking for a gf is not a pool I've attempted to tap so things may be better than I think, and I didn't want to be gendery about it. Were I her I'd be starving more for pussy than cock as that's been far more of a drought but y/hmmv. Are bi dudes that much thicker on the ground than bi/gay ladies combined? That's about 25% of female pop, right? She's not going to be finding cis dudes if she's searching your way.

She's clearly not trying to find dudes ASAP or she'd have found one about two minutes after her husband said ok. I think she's more worried about finding ladies bc why else would she have thought the sitch would freak potential partners out? She wasn't talking about dudes there.

"I have only had one inappropriate message since I exercised this option."
Don't let the straight guys know!

@31 48 years old, but still a 14 year old in your heart.

@26 Sure, but in part by choice. Dude is cool w/ open marriage, so it's not him that was hesitating.

@31 Still doable, with added bonus of the girlfriends having sex w/ each other. Sporty says he's in Western Mass aka Rural Brooklyn, this is well within the regional wheelhouse.

If this is him, he'll have no problems.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqttFWSP…

@36 con't: He may see more success if he's nicer to the local lesbians though.

AE @ 32
I think Lava is implying that a husband’s approval should never be accepted at face value. It is suspicious and he must hide something.

Sporty @ 34
Continue speaking your truth, as your experience is the only one that counts and can be easily applied to all other people and situations. Even if you don’t have children you know what it’s like, since wanting multi-girlfriends is the exact same situation as a married with children person who wants some additional action.

@27 lavagirl. I'm on that same page, too. I feel like part of the story is missing and that is what makes me suspicious about what happened to hubby's libido. Usually when Dan gets these kinds of letters, there is at least a full paragraph from the LW about how hard they tried to fix the problem with date night, lingerie, porn or even therapy or a doctor. Maybe LW left things out to keep it summarized...idk.

@35 no. Yes, admittedly, I might be overly suspicious about the husband's motives. It could be he avoided dealing with it out of embarrassment and not because he was hiding something.

@22. girliegams. I thought he could be gay.

no is right too. He could just have low libido. What lends credence to this theory is that the couple seem to have got together with the express intention of having a family. And it seems to have worked for them, and for the LW; they have kids, and her husband would seem an excellent companion and partner. It’s also plausible that differences in their standard background levels of libido might be less apparent than otherwise while they were trying for a child, and in the early years of parenting: hers could naturally be suppressed; and--clearly enough--the main thing they were looking for from each other wasn't raunchy sex but security and responsible cohabitation and coparenting.

So, rather than regretting the lost years, now would be a good time for the LW to go out and get herself some lovin'. Good luck!

International fans! AE@ 32.. and I've shocked you with my suspicious about husband's actions. Or maybe it's wife's ready acceptance of it. And thank you for your personsplaining CMD.
Pardon me for being a skeptic, it's just not clear from the letter what husband is getting out of this arrangement. Is he too seeking outside action? Is his heart that big he's fine to watch the kids while wife is out playing.. how old are the kids.
Truth is, I didn't really vibe with this letter and should not have jumped on.
I just wanted to have a lend of Sportlandia for his 'boring' comment.

LG @41

Pardon me for being a skeptic, it's just not clear from the letter what husband is getting out of this arrangement.

A happy wife?

@41 Lava the benefit to the husband is the same as it would be if genders were reversed - no more sad maintenance fucking out of fear the other person will leave. Huge benefit. Pressure off him is tremendous.

Also what RE said, that's probably the greatest benefit. Isn't that how love works?

@39 oh for sure, it's extremely challenging to the standard social construct of manhood to be the one w the lower libido. Still she knew what was going on, could have resolved this years earlier, but didn't cause she didn't have free time so it was moot. I don't think anything particularly bad or unusual happened here re a few sexless years.

He must love his family big time if he's happy to go with the whirlwind that's about to hit his front door.

Maybe it's the fairy tale quality of the letter. Hubby says I can go for it, where do I start?
Start by putting the brakes on a bit and really mapping out boundaries with her husband. And putting her head and heart on straight.

LG @46

Start by putting the brakes on a bit and really mapping out boundaries

From the letter: We're having a lot of intense conversations around boundaries

@46 Lava - if as she reports they are solid and this fixes their one problem, why the expectation of doom? Plenty of people out there make this work now and historically.

Thanks RE; she just seems out the door already, emotionally. I hope they can work it out.

no: @49 it's not doom, its realism. They have kids, no idea of their ages, and the LW thinks she'll be able to fit each role into tidy compartments. Like I said, I should have stayed out of this one. Just forget I was ever here.

@16 is right. I sadly suspect that the LW will be disappointed and exhausted by how gross straight men can be, and the nasty aggressive messages she will be sent. Dating apps/ sites can really ruin your faith in humanity.

No @33: Excluding straight people, and leaving oneself open to all genders who like women, will yield bi men, bi women, lesbians, and a few couples. And yes, of those groups, bi men -- and I suppose couples -- remain the easiest to get into bed (particularly when you are married and bi, which will dissuade the great majority of lesbians), even though they may be less numerous than the bi women. I have, in fact, searched for women as a partnered woman, so I know whereof I speak! Most married women, as you say, would be more starved and therefore keen for pussy, but this woman has been starved for all forms of sex, so I'd think she'd be keen to get whatever she can get, and the thing she can get the most easily is dick.

Sporty @34: Please don't add years (or generations) to my age, they're coming quickly enough thanks.

Harriet @40: I wondered how long it would take before the "he must be cheating" theories would be joined by "he must be gay" as alternatives to "he's asexual." All of which are possible; I'm inclined to give gay a higher probability in this case, because most cheaters continue fucking their spouses. I agree that usually the face value explanation is the face value explanation: he got heterosexually married in order to have kids, and whether he's ace or closeted, he accomplished his purpose in having het sex and doesn't see the need to have any more of it.

RE @42: Yes, and I'll add "no longer being guilt tripped for not wanting sex."

@42 who asks for an open marriage wo someone specific in mind? As far as availability, it depends on where you are and who your friends are. It's a lot easier for me to find women as a partnered person, but I could see that being the opposite in a city. The reason why I don't think she's in a city and/or that I think she's focusing on women is that she thought whoever it was would be upset that she's partnered. Not a risk when dating men, as a rule. If you're w a straight dude, are worried about his emotional state, all this is new to both of you, you want to keep him, there are kids the line, and you're bi? I can't see why you wouldn't start with women. If needing to get laid ASAP were her mo she wouldn't have waited five years.

Ms No @53: "who asks for an open marriage wo someone specific in mind?"

Someone who's spent five years not getting any sex with their spouse.

Perhaps it took her five years to even ask for the open relationship. Remember that they have small children; it's only now that she has the time to even look for sex buddies. If she grew up in a tradition of monogamy being the only way, I'm not surprised she's unaware of the number of people who'd be interested in ongoing casual sex with a partnered woman. Remember, she says, "Last time I dated, people barely had cell phones." This stuff may be obvious to you and to me, but I remember coming out of my last long-term monogamous relationship at 39 worried that there would be no suitable partners for someone like me.

Lastly, Ms No, you've referred a couple of times now to your amazing success rate with the ladies. Care to make yourself useful and share some tips?

Timely, by Dr. Jen Gunter
https ://mobile.nytimes.com/2018/03/10/style/sexless-relationships-men-low-libido.html?smid=tw-nytstyles&smtyp=cur&referer=https://t.co/SUnTWBixWi?amp=1

Five years means she has a list of people she wants to fuck, not just one. But I would put money on one being the tipping point.

She's in her mid thirties. Knows the internet exists. Is a female human being alive on Earth who goes outside occasionally. She knows there are plenty of people who'd fuck her regardless of any condition she puts on it. You were worried about partners. I'm sure you were not worried about dudes wanting to fuck you.

Didn't say I had an amazing success rate with women, I said I have a better success rate with women than with men. The vast majority of the guys who are after you aren't worth the time of day, I can't bring myself to consider that a plus. I am most pursued by women who are afraid, for whatever reason. They come to me, I'm not trying to find them. What you were talking about in that last thread, that some women are so afraid to express desire that they can't enthusiastically consent to sex... not a thing that makes any sense to me. The key there is to not have sex with them until they freely and completely can, because obviously. Heartshatteringly this will often be a very novel approach to them. The idea that it is somehow more difficult to pick up women only exists because we're constantly fending off worthless men. It's not hard. Just golden rule it. None of this is complicated. I'm sure you'll agree it's far easier to pick up women as a woman than as a man.

@52 couples are very easy to get into bed, yes, and I think you're selling the great majority of lesbians short there.

Guilt tripping can be self generated, anyone who tries to guilt trip you about anything ever isn't being a good partner, and I doubt very much the LW was being that much of a jerk.

I want to add that I think it's weird how many people here think that casual sex on the side in a marriage will be automatically dramatic and difficult and time-consuming and will change her life. If she seeks a second RELATIONSHIP some of those things might be true. And I'll admit that it might be harder if she was primarily seeking sex with women as it is apparently much harder to find casual female partners. Also I agree that if she wants something consistent on a schedule, she's going to have trouble getting that (because life) but in terms of getting a fuck buddy- no, that's not hard, no it does not have to be dramatic, no it's not difficult to keep the relationship strictly sexual, and no it doesn't have to change anything about her life any more than if she were going to take up a new hobby (like if she started doing yoga two or three times a week). She's going to have to deal with the fact that the men will likely come and go, disappear for a while and then resurface, etc, and some will be less fun than others and she'll learn how to get what she wants if she has the right attitude and approach.

Also agree with everything everyone said about guys sometimes having low libidos too. As for the fact that she could've found a man ASAP if she were serious, I think the point is that she's not trying to rush headlong into it and is instead looking to figure out how to make an arrangement that is safer and more honest and better for her marriage, again all indications that she'll manage this without drama or massive life changes.

Nope, I just can't wrap my mind around why you guys think it would cause changes to her normal mom life to have a fuck buddies.

No- I don't know anything about your life, but I also find it really weird to think that she has some ulterior motive and a list of guys, etc. Bizarre. Do you know what life is like for most married people with kids and jobs, etc? You are really fucking busy. The years fly like weeks sometimes while you are caught up in one thing and the next. Most people have a relatively stable group of friends/neighbors/familymembers/coworkers in their lives. While I have no doubt that she's felt attractions to people (which is irrelevant to whether or not she's getting any at home btw way) it's perfectly believable that she could pass five years in a state like this without seeking or even truly considering seeking sex with other people. And if she values her life, family, marriage as it is, then she's probably not considering fucking anyone she actually currently knows- in fact her letter directly states otherwise and states that she wants something on the side and disconnected from her regular life. It requires some compartmentalization and acceptance that people are going to come and go, but it does not require having a ready list of men or immediately going online and taking her pick.

From experience as someone who spent years as a happy normal boring married woman life and lots of dick on the side without the two ever mixing or causing any complications. I think the logistical considerations are overblown. The important thing is to keep it all compartmentalized and to not take things personally. Granted once caregiving - both to children and elders- became a part of our life, something had to give, and that's what we gave. But if the LW and her husband feel that they are in a place in which they have enough time/emotional resources to play outside the marriage, it should be pretty damn easy for her, honestly.

@58 if she seeks people, male or female, who are also looking for a secondary partner, risk of emotional entanglement on the part of both is reduced. I don't know any strictly monogamous lesbian couples, ymmv of course.

I think she's got someone in mind because everyone I know who has gone from monogamy to nonmonogamy had someone in mind. It doesn't mean that person was a good option or achievable, but the issue which they've been sitting on forever finally gets pushed cause they wanna fuck someone specific. Most of them did not fuck said person for the reasons you mention. Having small children brings you into a lot of close contact w other people in a similar boat, if anything you meet more new people than you would otherwise outside the bars/clubs, I don't see why you wouldn't pick a few out in a perfect world. I'd be surprised if anyone at all didn't have a list of people in their head they definitely under perfect circumstances would fuck. Especially if severely sexually frustrated. Some of whom almost inevitably are actual real people you know. If we learned nothing else from Hannibal Lecter, how we first covet is pretty straightforward. First, we see in everyday life.

It is entirely possible to do this w people you know. She doesn't have to rely on a rotating stable of strange dick. You were able to handle yourself emotionally, it is reasonable to expect a person you know could too. It is also possible to make friends with the people you fuck and then they're in your life otherwise too.

I don't think having small children makes most women effectively asexual. Harmful myth.

And yeah this is totally doable. What is the point of fuck buddies if not that it's a low time/energy commitment?

To be clear, no, I didn't say small children makes people effectively asexual. I said that they take up a huge amount of resources/time/emotional energy which can A) occupy people and make the years fly, and B) change one's priorities on how they might choose to spend free time/energy.

Ms No @56: Never does OH say that she is in her mid-thirties. You are guessing, just like you are guessing she has a mental "queue." Both are possible. Neither is a fact in evidence.

I don't know how you and I are so different, but it is absolutely not my experience that it's easier to pick up women as a woman than as a man. I've lost so many women -- both hopeful hookups and actual partners -- to men, it's not funny. Most women like men; most women don't like women, so men have a numbers advantage, in addition to a "being socialised to make the move even if rejection is probable" advantage, a heteronormativity advantage, and a there's-no-alternative advantage (as you say, we can choose to avoid the fear of rejection inherent in approaching a woman by simply saying yes to any of the legions of interested men; straight men can't). The difference between you and me may simply be one of confidence: women approach you! Therefore, you're confident with women, because you have historic evidence that women fancy you. Women rarely approach me, therefore it's difficult for me to summon the confidence that everyone of every gender finds attractive. I'm glad "just let them come to you" is a strategy that works for you, but for whatever reason, it doesn't work for me. Maybe I should just move to a smaller town.

Ms No @59: "I think she's got someone in mind because everyone I know who has gone from monogamy to nonmonogamy had someone in mind."

And every woman Sportlandia has slept with has enjoyed being spanked, so can we extrapolate from that that 100% of women like being spanked? Of course not. I think we can read the letter and presume that if OH had someone in mind that she's like to fuck, she'd ask Dan how to go about approaching that person, but she didn't -- she asked him about how to put herself out there online without looking like a freak. Your experience is not universal -- no one's is. Projection is useful to help identify possibilities, but it cannot reveal certainties. A far better strategy is to take people's words at their face value -- particularly when face value and projection conflict.

Agree with everything that BDF said @61. I'm not going to speculate on either of your experiences with the difficulty and/or ease of picking up women, but as to the LW, she does mention being open to being a third, and I've heard lots of talk here about the difficulty of a MF couple to find a third. So is it reasonable to conclude that it is generally easier for a woman to pick up another woman & man than it is to pick up a woman solo? There might be fewer women who want a couple which switches the benefit back to the woman who does, right?

Also No, I don't see where she said that people would be freaked out that she was partnered.

"how do I be honest without sending out red flags? Horny wife who's barely been laid for a decade is available for awkward first time fling? I'm struggling with the need to be honest without freaking folks out."

To me, it sounds more like she's worried about conveying the situation honestly without causing alarm. It doesn't seem like the alarm is around the relationship status (but she wants to know how to get that out there up front) but rather around her desperation and recent lack of experience. She knows her first fling (probably first few) will be awkward. She has all this pent up desire and also she's worried she's going to be all elbows in bed. On top of that, acknowledging this fact is important since it's going to change expectations at first- both of what her performance is going to be like, plus what she needs from the other person. Then it's also a new open marriage- she hasn't done it yet- and reality might be different than what she's considering.

It's smart to worry about throwing yourself out there in that state because obviously you will find plenty of people to jump your bones, but the ones who are likely to be more kind/thoughtful in this case might very well also look at what is involved and decide to pass. So how do you convey all that info without attracting the creeps? The answer is, you can't. No matter what you write, you will attract the creeps. But Dan is correct that the wording of her ad combined with careful reading and then in-person filters will help her maximize her chances of meeting the right person. And after she's had a few experiences, she'll be more confident and experienced and likewise also have a better sense of what she wants and what to do to get it.

It could be that she wants to start with women, could be men, could be couples- she doesn't write that she has a preference just that she's open to all so I see no reason to speculate that she's got some hidden desire. Likewise with any individuals, nor do I see anything in her letter that supports that. In fact it's sort of the point of being so horny- that there isn't any one individual, you just want to fuck. The fact that she's not rushing into it (and hasn't in the past) doesn't change this, it just shows that she's capable of balancing her desires with reality and wants to go about things in a way that won't blow up her life which is exactly the attitude compatible with someone so focused on family and trying to make a mostly sexless marriage work that she would put her desire to the side for several years.

@52. Bi. It's worth saying 'maybe he's gay' just to try to erode heteronormativity.

@53. no. I've never gone into any relationship with the supposition it would be exclusive. It's much better to make clear that a partnership might well be committed but not hang on sexual exclusivity when you're still at the smitten stage, the utterly admiring stage, when he ('he' for me) is still fascinating and uniquely satisfying. Because then there's no question that anyone else could be more interesting, more whom you want to fuck; and you're putting sex in its correct place--as something you'll both want, in lots of different circumstances, but not the most important thing--not conversations every night after supper, or caring for each other, or making each other laugh.

Emma @62: Yes, I have found it much easier as a single woman to pick up a couple than a woman. Normally because when there's a woman you fancy, she has a boyfriend/husband. Who is typically even more keen than she is on the idea of an FFM. Sadly, though, most of these boyfriends/husbands, like most men, don't appeal to me at all. It's rarer that the woman is available not as part of the package deal.

Emma @63: Gold star comment.

Harriet @64: Indeed. Sometimes there's a rush to "maybe he's gay" whenever any man doesn't want to bang a given woman, but in this case, I think it's actually a possibility.