Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Some quickies about balls and jizz, a letter writer wonders how to be honest without sending out red flags, a letter that may involve a "fetish too far," and a letter writer wonders who's responsible for his loneliness. Is it the gay scene? Or is it him? And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.
This is about TOM the straight, married guy who doesn't come when he's using a buttplug cockring combo. First of all, you and your wife sound like a lot of fun, TOM. Good for you. Your advice, Dan, was great. He should keep exploring on his own! But since he asked if "other people have had this kind of thing happen," I'm writing to say yes. This kind of thing happens to me all the time. I rarely come when my butt is being stimulated in any way. I often lose my erection altogether—and I've done plenty of exploring. I'm having a fantastic time but my brain is firing in all kinds of amazing ways so coming just doesn't happen. Later, sure, but rarely while anything is up there. I'm also fifty so maybe age is a factor but this has been the case for years. Tons of pleasure, just not a lot of come. Thanks, Dan. Rock on, TOM.
For a Savage Lovecast caller:
Dear Dan: If there’s any way you could get this message to the man in your last episode trying to decide about his sister’s wedding, I would greatly appreciate it.
I’m sorry you are in such a difficult place with your family. I understand your situation too well. I am the oldest of six kids raised in an extremely conservative household (think Duggar style). After leaving home, my parents tried very hard to keep my siblings away from me. They were brainwashed, I heard many times that I was going to hell.
Kids grow up—but sometimes it takes longer than others and it’s not always a guarantee. My five siblings have all come out of this. We are an incredibly close bonded group now and are supportive of each other. Some of us are gay, some are straight, but my parents’ prejudices didn’t win in the end. So I encourage you to stick to your guns and not attend your sister’s wedding. Instead send her a supportive message and tell her that you love her and want a relationship with her, and that you are ready and waiting any time she wants that in return. Your sister is very young still, and signing up for a lifetime commitment that she is likely not ready for.
I don’t believe this is the end for you and your sister. As I tell my siblings, you be the best you should be and let them fall in line. Support her, love her, but don’t compromise yourself for their bigotry.
Another response to a call on Episode 592 of the Lovecast:
It seems to me that you were quick to chuck the first caller's (the girl who's been wondering what to tell her dates about her lack of PIV experience) anxiety to an obsession with finding the perfect relationship.
Maybe I'm projecting a bit, but the caller didn't sound like someone who valued her PIV virginity all that much, and as someone who's been asking herself the same question in the past, I'd like to point out that the worry may not be originating from the sacred status of virginity, but rather from the stigma that comes with being a female twentysomething without much experience. At least where I live, guys are sometimes going to assume things about you («what's wrong with her if no one wanted her until now», «spinster», «crazy cat lady») or might lose interest, and that kind of rejection hurts, even though it's probably not the kind of partner you'd like to have sex with anyway.
So if it's indeed more of a stigma problem, and if she isn't sure about how her partners are going to perceive it (especially if it's a new partner you don't know all that much about), then I would recommend she tells them anything that helps her ease the anxiety without immediately having to go into specifics. She can say that she doesn't have much experience with PIV without necessarily saying exactly how much, that she gets pain and needs a lot of attention and care in that department, or keep warning that she needs to get to know the person better and that it can take a while. The big reveal can then come later if need be.
Cheers and thanks a lot for the show!
As a dude who sometimes fucks ladies on my own, and sometimes with my wife, both openly, honestly, and happily, I have some advice. If I were you, I would be less concerned about whether there are people out there who want people in your situation. There are lots and lots. Post a profile on OK Cupid, and be completely honest about who you are and what you are looking for. If you are shy, don't post face pics. Do answer a ton of the match questions, they actually work, and will keep you from ending up in bed with a Trump supporter, and will improve your chances of avoiding ending up in bed with a misogynist. People just starting out tend not to be choosy enough, so be picky. Don't even correspond with poor matches. You are the hot commodity here.
But if you think you will get to "live my normal cis gendered mom life in between", you are wrong. This stuff takes a lot of work, and practice. Before you and your husband become experienced, you will have fuckups, and fights, and misunderstandings. Don't neglect your responsibilities as wife/mother/partner/friend in the thrall of new relationship excitement. Once you get better at it, time management becomes the biggest challenge.
Good luck. It is sooooo worth it. I'm more in love with my wife than ever (together since 18, now 23 years later), we are better communicators, better friends, better lovers, and both get some hot side action.
Letter writer, I'm sorry you're having a hard time finding your fit in the Seattle gay scene. I'm no expert on either Seattle or the gay scene in that lovely city, but I think that wherever you are and whatever your scene, you'll do well by establishing a circle of close friends first - and subsequently choosing the best among them to form your "family of choice." It's not a one-and-done deal. Most people shy away from those who reek of desperation—and someone who's projecting "WANT FRIENDS/FWBs/NEW FAMILY IMMEDIATELY, MUST BE GAY, ALL APPLICANTS ACCEPTED" will certainly have that reek. I'll echo everyone else by suggesting that you need to get involved in a community activity you're passionate about, and you're likely to find your friends/FWBs/new family organically, without having to work so hard (and unsuccessfully) at it. Good luck!
I have to agree with your advice to SEATTLE, Dan. I think his closing line, "Whose dick do I have to suck to be invited out?" sums up his attitude. People can sense that when they meet someone. I have met some socially awkward people in my life and it seems to me that they often are so into their own head space that they miss all of the usual social clues about how to interact with people. I once read that extreme shyness is really a sort of obsession about one's self that prevents the person from interacting well with others.
There is one positive suggestion that I can make that I think would help him. I think he should find a GAY social cause that he believes in and dive in doing volunteer work. There are a lot of benefits to doing that. 1) He can justify the time and effort even if he doesn't meet someone because he will be giving time to something he believes in; 2) He will be interacting with people who share a common goal and so they will immediately have something in common; 3) The people he meets will have the opportunity to observe him being himself and not just desperately looking for friends. That will make him more approachable and more interesting to others.
SEATTLE is like the last guy at the bar at closing time. No matter how attractive he may be, I am sure he has that desperate look that makes people want to stay away. I think most single people have been "that guy" a few times but usually we learn early on to avoid being "that guy" and find a way of being happy in our own skins. Once he achieves that he will find more people attracted to him. That is another reason why I recommend volunteer work. It will shift his focus outward which will make him more interesting and attractive to other guys.
Best of luck to him.