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I’m a 24-year-old gay man from Portland, Oregon. I’ve admired you for quite some time and I’m hoping you can help me. For the last five years, I’ve been in a relationship with a man (let’s call him “Jeff”). Around the time we started getting involved, he was already in a relationship with another man (let’s call him “Robby”). In the beginning, it didn’t really bother me and we currently all three live together. You could call Robby my sister wife. This complex relationship hasn’t been easy, but one thing in particular is causing me grief: We all share a fucking king-size bed…

This started a couple of years ago and it seems like there’s no going back. I sleep on one side, Robby on the other, with Jeff in the middle. Obviously, no one has room as we are three grown men. I can tell it’s especially uncomfortable for Jeff. Not to mention, Robby snores like you wouldn't believe. Now, there’s talk of buying two large beds and pushing them together. (Internal scream.) It feels a bit ridiculous. I should also add that Jeff and Robby’s “relationship” isn’t really a sexual one. Regardless, the bed situation is a touchy subject for them. I love sleeping beside my man, but I honestly wouldn’t mind sleeping in my own bed. Sleep is so fucking important to me, but how do you please everyone involved? Please help!

Boy Eventually Desires Sleep

Get your own bed, BEDS.

As I've pointed out before: Lots of people have trouble falling asleep next to one other person’s sweaty, warm, farting body, to say nothing of two sweaty, warm, farting bodies. It's not unheard of for people in LTRs to have separate beds—researchers in Canada found that 30-40 percent of couples sleep in separate beds. That number seems high to me, but the point is that you don't have to endure two sweaty, warm, farting bodies every night in order to be in a successful throuple. You can have your own space and/or bed—or, if it helps sell the concept, maybe don't talk about it as your space and/or bed, but two beds (or, ideally, two bedrooms) that belong to all three of you. Some nights you might want to sleep on your own, some nights one of your other boyfriends might want to sleep on his own. Think of it as a shared resource/retreat, not a separate bedroom.

So get an extra bed, BEDS. Come and go as you (and your partners) please. But there's another thing in your letter that gave me pause...

Is it really the two beds that feels a bit ridiculous to you? Or is it Robby and Jeff's relationship that does? The three of you sleep together. You all live together. Maybe you all fuck together sometimes. The three of you are in one multi-faceted relationship—a successful long-term one at that. That's a real accomplishment, BEDS, and I admire you guys and what you've built together. But Robby and Jeff have a relationship, not a "relationship," and... well, gee. The way you used quotation marks there—you used them like tongs—had me wondering whether you respect their relationship. A relationship that's about intimacy, companionship, and a romantic connection is valid even if there's no sexual component to it anymore. You all bring different things to the table—or the mattress (and, hopefully soon, mattresses)—and all three of you need to value each other, BEDS, if your thouple is going to continue to thrive.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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