Humblebrag.

It's possible all of them are miserable sharing one bed but each (or at least two of them) but are afraid that sleeping in another bed will relegate them as a 2nd.

@ 2 - Just like you posting here!

Three grown-ass ass-men.

BEDS: I should also add that Jeff and Robby’s “relationship” isn’t really a sexual one.

Translation: Jeff and Robby don’t have sex, therefore Jeff and Robby’s relationship ended when the sex ended, and asking Robby to sleep elsewhere is a reasonable demand.

BEDS needs to accept that the Robby-Jeff relationship is a real thing, and part of having a relationship with Jeff. If he cannot accept that he will need to move on from his relationship. The issue of who sleeps where may not be a red herring, but it’s definitely a secondary issue.

We have something that calls for the lorgnette.

FAKE. I simply can't believe a situation like this one even COULD be real.

What @6 said. Not all relationships are sexual. Most aren't, in fact. That doesn't prevent them from being deeply intimate. One might well argue that the best parts of any real relationship have nothing to do with sex.

For the love of god can we please just stop using the word "throuple"? It sounds like the relationship equivalent of a Thalidomide baby. Triad (I'm in one) sounds so much more powerful. Throuple is just totally cringe-worthy.

And don't you have to pronounce it like "thrupple" to make sense, which isn't the natural reading? Saying "thruple" is what it looks like, but sounds like you're going to say unthrupulous next.

But @10, doesn't "triad" usually mean a symmetrical triangle shape of relationship? This sounds more like a vee. A lot more like a vee. Like a vee with one arm glaring at the other arm snoring.

'There were three in the bed
And the middle one said
Roll over Roll over
So they all rolled over and one fell out.'

Snoring and farts, could it get any more romantic. You are twenty four LW, this really what you want to be spending your precious twenties doing? I'd leave the other two to it and go seek good sleep elsewhere.

Sometimes it seems so awesome to be a gay man, but this sounds like hell.

@7: Mr. Ven, for peering over?

Not that there wouldn't be a slightly less disgusting way to describe one's partner(s). One of the reasons why I was so attracted to my (male) partner the minute I got close enough to notice was that he smelled good. And I damn love to share the bed with his body which includes the corporal stuff. There're people who have a thing about statues, sure, but I guess statues, while not farting and sweating, have their downsides.
Anyhow. Not sharing a bed on regular basis doesn't mean that the LW can't stay in a shared bed for sex, cuddles or a cup of chocolate or whatever they do in bed together, and then go sleep elsewhere. I find it rather easy to understand that the LW needs good sleep and somehow, it doesn't work with two other people in the same bed - and it doesn't mean that he doesn't like them.

As an aside, snoring a lot may signal some health problems - there might be something amiss in the nasal cavity that causes or amplifies snoring and often the little deformations can be easily fixed, for example. Asking a doc wouldn't hurt, I guess.

coolie @10 - agreed. Throuple sounds stupid, while 'triad' sounds like you are underworld crime kings. Or crime queens.

A "triad" does not have to be equilateral. But it does have to include all partners. It's not clear to me whether Robby is BEDS's partner too; it reads more like they are cohabiting metamours. Ah, poly lexicon.

To recap: BEDS is unhappy with the sleeping arrangement. He says, "I can tell it’s especially uncomfortable for Jeff." Does Jeff say this, or is BEDS projecting? He also uses the passive-voice "there’s talk of buying two large beds and pushing them together." There's talk? Someone is talking; who? If BEDS is the only person who's unhappy with the arrangement, BEDS should say so. He should say something like, "You guys know I love you, but I never get a good sleep here with both of you tossing and turning and snoring and sweating. Let's buy a spare bed/futon, I'll come to bed with you in the evenings, then I'll go sleep in the spare bed once you've nodded off." If these guys don't want him to get a decent night's sleep, they don't really care much about him!

Of course, this isn't the solution that BEDS and his air-quotes are hinting at. My guess is that he wants to kick his snoring "sister wife" out of bed and keep Jeff all to himself. Sorry, pal, that's not going to happen. But if he does arrange a two-bed solution, it's certainly within his rights to ask for a couple of nights a week to bed-share with Jeff while Robby sleeps on his own. Lastly, agree with Morgianna @16 about Robby asking a doctor about his snoring.

I recommend they get a large dog, a friendly German Shepherd, and allow the dog to sleep on the bed as well.

Yeah this isn't really a triad, more of a V one obvious solution, beyond two sets of sheets so the middle person can escape, would be to put Jeff in the middle. Having to sleep next to a meta, who ISN'T sexual even with the third person just seems like cock blocking, and maybe that is what is going on. If Jeff was in the middle, since he is the hinge, he'd have each of them next to him, AND LW would be farther from the farts and snores, AND LW could get a little middle of the night nookie from time to time, which is a favorite of mine.

well heck, I just reread the letter and I see they already sleep like that...my bad. So I guess I'm of no help here.

Coolie @20: Your misreading does bring up one issue which BEDS didn't mention: how this sleeping arrangement is affecting his sex life with Jeff. I suspect "middle of the night nookie" isn't happening much with a sleeping person in the bed. Perhaps this is the source of his resentment of Robby and Jeff's non-sexual, or less-sexual, "relationship." Perhaps Robby is cock-blocking him; if so, he should definitely address it directly in the bed negotiation discussion.

I second Fichu's recommendation.

Sounds to me that this isn't really a throuple or a triad or whatever else you want to call it as it's not a relationship between all three of them. Jeff has two boyfriends. The two boyfriends are not in a relationship with each other. They are friends who both date Jeff. Didn't anyone else read it this way?

Keep in mind that Jeff calls Robby his "sister wife". Traditionally, sister wives are not in a relationship with each other in the couple sort of way. Hence the sister. They are united in the fact that each of them have a separate relationship with their shared husband. Best if they are friends and enjoy each other's company and can live together, but they aren't a couple. He didn't call Robby his bf.

So the LW is uncomfortable with all three in bed. Sounds like he'd prefer to be in the bed with Jeff because Robby doesn't have sex with Jeff anyway and Robby snores. We can't be sure, but it sounds like Robby likewise wants to keep Jeff in his bed. Neither of them is stepping up and saying "I'd prefer to sleep alone". It sounds more like both of them are saying they'd prefer their sister wife (can we say brother husband?) to move.

So Jeff probably is uncomfortable. He's literally caught in the middle, and he's the only one who can't say "I'd prefer to sleep alone" (the other two have no interest to sleep together without him) and he absolutely cannot take sides.

This is such a classically typical situation. I keep trying to stop myself from projecting my biases on poly arrangements but it's always hilarious to me how much they are rehashing the exact problems that exist in poly arrangements in the past. Only in this case, they are all three men so we don't have to add certain power dynamics around it or issues with pregnancy and childrearing (and how that plays into the power dynamics). So they can literally solve this problem any way they want. But I'm going to project away here right now because it's the language the LW himself used.

Setting aside issues of property and childrearing, traditional poly marriages (man with sister wives) try to keep the peace by codifying responsibilities of the man to his sister wives. He would have to evenly split his nights between them. Now in reality, this doesn't always happen and then it becomes another cause of resentment and jealousy. The arguments become about the symbol of the problem than the problem itself (arguments over scheduling rather than the underlying feelings of neglect or preference and the insecurities that arise). Again, though things are different, this is absolutely what these three have done to themselves. They have made a rule that they will all sleep together which is supposed to keep the peace without them having to address specifically the relationship dynamics that made this sleeping arrangement feel like a rule in the first place- and the LW even mentions that it's a touchy subject. So their solutions are within this context- getting a bigger bed, pushing beds together, etc. It's exactly like sister wives arguing about which one of them goes with the husband on a particular weekend- arguments stuck in the rules of their scheduling which only exist to keep the peace in the first place.

Alright, so luckily the LW is young, his future / finances are not tied up in this relationship, he's 100% autonomous if he wants to be, and they do not have children. Fantastic, LW- it's all very easy don't create problems for yourself. Sleep in your own goddamn bed. You be the person who says, "You know what, I don't mind sleeping alone." If this causes some hurt feelings and a fight or if it causes Robby to feel like he's won something or if it causes you to feel like you can express some resentment- fan fucking tastic. HAVE THOSE CONVERSATIONS. If you feel that you aren't getting the sex/cuddling whatever that you want, HAVE THOSE CONVERSATIONS.

The absolutely worst case scenario is that whatever arrangement you make may contribute to this relationship eventually falling apart. You are 24. It is inevitable that your arrangement will change over the years. It's not inevitable that it will end, especially if you start right now being flexible, honest, open and having conversations about real stuff instead of trapping one another in fake made-up rules to keep the peace.

Sorry I meant LW calls Robby his sister wife. Not Jeff, who is in a relationship with each of them.

BDF @ 18 - "There is" is not the passive voice. It's an impersonal structure, but not a passive one. The passive voice is when you have subject + verb "to be" + past participle (and often a complement starting with "by" and introducing the agent, who would be the subject in the active voice).

Example : I was bitten by a dog. (passive) vs. A dog bit me. (active)

Grammar is easy!

Twin-full-twin, pushed up next to each other. Full for twosome sex or three way cuddling, sideways with a blanket across the crack for threesomes. Everyone gets their own blankets and sheets and get to pick their own mattress. The wings roll off to their own bed when ready; middle rolls over to them for quiet middle of the night sex or cuddling. California king coverlet for the top and it will look fine, if extra big.

@26: That's a good, practical solution, california reader. I'm pretty sure the lw won't take it, because I think this is about something deeper than sleeping arrangements, but it is a good idea, provided one has the space in a bedroom for such a large bed.

Whatever is decided this situation sounds sad, grim and claustrophobic.
Stand up for yourself LW and insist on being part of the decision making. (How the hell does the middle guy get up for a piss during the night and read before sleep.)

Are we reading the same letter 2CV @29?
The only words which contain much affection in them are about wanting to sleep next to 'his man.' Like others, including Dan, have pointed out, this is about more than sleeping arrangements.
Simering resentment seeps thru this letter, so I assume the LW is the kid in the story and the other two are older men.

@8: The only thing that seems unrealistic is: "Now, there’s talk of buying two large beds and pushing them together. (Internal scream.) It feels a bit ridiculous."

If they're already in this scenario and this has been building up for a few years, two large beds would be a BLESSING.

@28: "(How the hell does the middle guy get up for a piss during the night and read before sleep.) "

Straight down and hops over the dog sleeping at the feet (because I'm terrible at puppy discipline.)

I'm with EmmaLiz @23
"Sleep in your own goddamn bed. You be the person who says, 'You know what, I don't mind sleeping alone.'"

In fact, I think the LW said more or less that in his letter.

If the current living situation won't allow for a separate bedroom, I'd start thinking about moving out in order to sleep well and not have to be intimate in a room shared with someone I'm not dating.

EmmaLiz @23: Excellent analysis.

Ricardo @25: Pedantry point noted, though you knew what I meant! BEDS was avoiding placing the responsibility for who was doing the talking by using the vague phrase, "there is talk," which, you're correct, is not passive voice, but is certainly passive phrasing.

BEDS is in a sexual relationship with Jeff. Robby is not in a sexual relationship with anyone, or at least not with anyone who lives in the house or shares the bed. When and where do BEDS and Jeff have sex? It's obvious that Robby knows that BEDS and Jeff have sex, but does he know the when and where of each time? Does he want to? It occurs to me that one of the many delights of having sex with someone is collapsing in each others' arms afterwards and falling asleep that way. Could this be what BEDS is dancing around complaining about? Seems to me they've got something going where BEDS and Jeff go at it and then have to call out to Robby "You can come in now!" ("And bring the dog.")

@35 I wondered about that, too. Outside of the actual sex act, there is a lot of bed-related intimacy that BEDS seems like he could be missing out on with this arrangement. And what about Robby? Even if he and Jeff don't have sex, I'd think the same applies to him as well with cuddling and possibly some low-key making out and such.

To be honest, I can't see how this arrangement is appealing to anybody for multiple reasons, even just mundane ones related to the practicality of sleeping in a bed with three people. It truly seems like the best solution would be for each brother husband to have his own bed, ideally in his own room, and for Jeff to switch things up. Unfortunately, we don't know how feasible that is with their living arrangements.

*language-lover love @Ricardo @25*

My favorite boyfriend not only had his own bed, but also his own country. We'd meet in NYC, have a great time and go back to our own beds in our own countries. Great.

Just to put this in perspective a standard King size bed is 76' wide or exactly double the width of a twin bed at 38" wide. Thus, a king with two people in it is as comfortable as a twin bed with one adult, that is to say, just barely useable. A full is what most single people need at minimum. To have three people sharing two twin beds is best done in shifts. (A California King, btw, is only 72" wide, but is longer, so I guess one person could sleep across the top and the other two perpendicular to him in parallel on the rest of the bed.)

Personally, I'd just pick a room, put a bed in it, and declare "This is my bedroom."

BDF @ 34 - Of course I knew what you meant, which is why I didn't argue on the substance of your argument (with which I agree), merely on its wording.

BEDS didn't exactly say Jeff and Robbie's relationship was sexless just "isn't really a sexual one." To me, that means they have less sex than Jeff and BEDS do, but not none. Either way, I agree with the reading that BEDS is hoping to kick Robbie out of this situation somehow.

Having a separate 'relief' bed/mattress/futon whatever is a solution IF and only IF BEDS actually wants to stay in this 3-person relationship (whatever we call it) and not oust Robbie. We have 2 little kids who wake up in the middle of the night and crawl into bed with us, not to mention the dog. Sometimes it's fine, but sometimes it's not. When it isn't, I go sleep in one of the kid's beds for the rest of the night. It works just fine for us. But for us, it's strictly a space issue.

And second Undead's comment above, if you're in the middle and have to pee in the middle of the night, you sit up and climb over the other people's legs.

LW already knows what he wants. He's just afraid to say it. Speak up or get run over, my dude.