Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: 3 dudes 1 bed, 2 asexuals but probably only 1 actual asexual, some other questionable labels, and a reader asks me to find the words and I wrote her a script treatment instead. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

First, for LABEL:

Hi Dan, just had a thought for LABEL ("gay" friend dating agender but cis-woman-presenting): LABEL, your friend is probably being an idiot, but just to play devil's advocate... He might be gayer than you think, but held back by internalized homophobia or other issues so much that this tiny step (dating someone who isn't quite a straight cis woman, and trying out hash tags) is the biggest change he's capable of right now. Exploring a new identity can be really difficult for some people.

For CAPP:

Longtime fan! Just a note about the 18-year-old diddling her skiddle to lesbian porno, her orgasm may not feel like a “good” one merely because of the kind of physical orgasm she’s having to it—not the content! I get the impression it’s the clitoral kind, since she says it happens really quickly. In studying some tantra and other sex education, women can have up to eight kinds of orgasm and clitoral alone may generally not be as deep as others. I suggest she try slowly teasing herself during the lesbian porn instead of furiously rubbing one out perhaps, for a bigger build-up with slower, deeper penetration if she wants a more substantial release. You’re the best!

All female orgasms are clitoral orgasms—that said, the clit is a large organ, not just the exposed glans, and many women find that stimulating different chunks, wings, elements, etc., of the clitoris can result in orgasms of differing intensities. Engaging the brain and other erogenous zones during clitoral stim can have have similarly intensifying effects.

For Tongue Tied:

This was not the focal point of TT's letter, and it's not a point you make in your reply... BUT. As a lesbian who has had good luck with girls with boyfriends, I gotta say something here. First for the Lezzies out there: if you're looking for casual sex, bang a girl with a boyfriend! I did it while I was going through a casual sex phase and it worked out great. For some reason, I had a hard time finding single queer chicks to bang, but WOW, the plethora of girls with boyfriends on apps looking for some tang! The world was my oyster. But here goes to my second point: I had a strict test for this situation. I would not bang a girl with a boyfriend who had a "only allowed to sleep with women" clause, as opposed to full on open relationship where they could bang any gender. Why? The implication was that women banging women didn't count. And I don't think I need to go in to why that's offensive as hell. Do I understand that perhaps the issue was that these women had an itch for pussy that they didn't have for dick because the latter was being scratched? Of course. But so long as that preference was on the lady's side and not the dude's, we'd be all good. Now, TT didn't explicitly SAY that men were off the table and her issue was more that she wanted to bang her beau's bros (which, I'm with you, probably a bad idea). But the fact that she clearly desires different genders outside her relationship, but has only agreed to be with women is... suspect. It also may be something that women might be sniffing out, thereby reducing her pool of lady fuck buddies. Just some thoughts.

Damn insightful thoughts—thanks for sharing!

For SEATTLE:

This is for the guy who was having trouble making friends among gay people in Seattle. Your advice that he investigate whether he is the problem is not wrong—that's one possibility. But, if I could ask him a question, it would be: These friends that you keep reaching out to, who don't reciprocate—do they all know each other? If they do, if they're all part of a friend group or social group (whether loose or tight knit) I wouldn't assume first that you are the problem. If they are part of one social group, it could be that they've just decided as a group that they don't want to be friends with you. It's not as nefarious as it sounds. It's not like they had a big meeting and decided that you suck and must be shunned. It's more unconscious than that, but a group of people can definitely reject a person and when that happens it feels like the whole world hates you.

I had a whole group of people decide they didn't want to be friends with me once. Because we worked together, and worked wicked long hours, I didn't have a social life outside this group. But most of them decided they didn't like me particularly, and they'd turn me down when I proposed social time and then go socialize with each other. It suuuuuucked and I thought I was the problem.

It turned out, though, it was just these particular people didn't want to be my friends. Some were probably influenced by one particularly charismatic member of the group, and others I'm sure made their own decision. Once I moved on and started socializing with other people, I found several very close friends and a bunch of other casual friends in the city I live in, and there are a lot of people who accept my social invitations now.

Bottom line, these people you've been reaching out to who don't reciprocate—they don't want to be your friends. So give up on them, dial back to acquaintance-you-say-hi-to-on-the-street level, and look elsewhere for friends. To people they don't know, who don't know them. If those people also reject you... then, yeah, maybe you're the problem. But even if that's true, assuming you aren't an irredeemable asshole who does things like vote for Donald Trump, the problem is usually fixable. So if that's the case, the therapy option is a good one to try.

Good luck and I hope you find your people soon!

Regarding MILF:

Oof, Dan, I love you, but had to comment on your response to Man, I Love Feminism. While you rightly took him to task for slagging all us hopelessly unconfident, uncomfortable-in-our-own-skin millennial women, you let slide his equally disconcerting dig at the very woman he claims to admire. He says he worries she’s “spent her whole life relying on her looks to gain validation from men.” WHAT?!? Firstly, one cannot control whether someone else “validates” them, yet this implies that she is somehow able to control the thoughts and opinions of others. Second, the word “relying” makes this woman out to be both vapid and lazy. She just “relies” on her looks, according to this fucko. EVEN IF SHE DID, how the fuck could he know that she’s done that her whole adult life?!? And why the fuck is it his business? This softboy has some serious internalized misogyny to deal with.

For LOVE:

LOVE's description of her boyfriend's emotions sounds very much like he might be somewhere on the autism/Asperger spectrum. One of the most common traits of this is a disconnect between the cognitive empathy and emotional empathy. Many of us with a touch of autism/Asperger's seem normal enough and learn to hide many of our tells and go through life without being formally diagnosed. The disconnect with our emotions just means that it takes a lot more of that emotional state to make us feel it (hence the fear and anxiety because these two emotions are easily ramped up to the place where we can feel them). The psychoactive properties of MDMA can ramp up the "love" emotion in an aspie until they can feel it. Bad news, if he is an aspie, is that he may never feel right saying "I love you." Good news: aspies are not prone to bs'ing people to the place where we're known for being "brutally honest".

Also for LOVE:

Re: the first letter in today's column concerning LOVE's boyfriend and his apparent inability to feel love, there's a much more likely (and less scary) possibility than him being a psychopath, and that is that he is somewhere on the autistic spectrum. People with Asperger's syndrome (otherwise known as 'high-functioning' autism) are notoriously lacking in social/emotional intelligence, but are highly rational and aware of this deficiency, and often mimic the behaviors they observe in 'normal' people to try to mask it, just as LOVE describes. The fact that his father is the same way could also point to a hereditary component, which would fit with autism. I'm certainly no expert in this field, but that's what it sounds like to me. Maybe you'll get other readers suggesting the same thing.

Aaaaand another for LOVE:

Psychopath/anti social personality disorder was a bit of a leap, but the LW and her paramour may want to look into alexithymia. Not everyone experiences emotions the same way and neurodiversity doesn’t necessarily imply inability. However, it’s better to be forewarned and forearmed if one becomes emotionally attached to someone who can comprehend emotions, but not necessarily experience them.

Finally, I had this to say about pot in a Slog post that was mostly about Donald Trump's dick...

Thirty years ago a single photograph of someone smoking a joint had the power to derail a Supreme Court nomination. It took us twenty years to go from "I smoked, but I didn't inhale" to "Yes, I inhaled—that was the point." Similarly, the first presidential dick pic—or major nominee dick pic—could end a political career. But, as with pot, we know that everyone sexts and, as with pot, at some point there won't be a point in denying it anymore. And just as we now regard a politician who claims to have never smoked pot with skepticism—they're either lying or they're complete social misfits—one day we will regard a major political figure who doesn't have a few stray dick/ass/pussy/tit pics circulating online as the weirdo because, hey, everybody else does.

At least one reader—clearly a weirdo—took offense:

Dan, it’s really time to stop shaming those of us who never had any interest in pot. There are many reasons one might stay sober in general and I’m here to tell you that avoiding weed has never made one the social freak loser you keep claiming. And having spent my youth as a student in Santa Cruz, Berkeley, and San Francisco very much not a Mormon, I believe I’m in a position to say so.

Just kidding! You're not a weirdo. Outlier, perhaps, but a weirdo? Nope. There's nothing wrong with you and there are lots of good reasons a person might want or need to avoid pot. Never having had any interest in pot is a pretty good reason, dear reader, and it has the added benefit of not heaping shame on those of us who take an active interest in pot. "I have no interest," is a lot better than, "I don't use pot because it drains a person of all ambition, it destroys a person's short-term memory, people who use pot smell terrible, and
pot smokers never, ever move out of their parents basements." I'll try to emulate your non-shamey approach to discussing pot use or non-use in the future... if I can remember to. (I do smoke a lot pot.)