Savage Love Letter of the Day: Is There a Pube Pervert On the Loose In My Office?


HOW DARE YOU share that toothbrush story? I am so very offended that I am now forced to share it with ALL of my Trump-voting relatives so they can be as disgusted with America as I have been since November ‘16.
@1: You have a better memory than I do! Crazy how I ended with the same story about that toothbrush pervert — totally spaced that letter (it's from 13 years ago!), and yet the same kind of story (CPP) dislodged the same disturbing toothbrush story!
One additional variable to consider is that beard hairs & pubes can sometimes be indistinguishable. Could potentially explain the sink 'placement.'
The “pubes” on the sink could very well be hair from someone’s forearm, as could some elsewhere. Ones on the toilet could also be from someone’s leg. If knowing that a stray hair came from someone’s thigh is any comfort. Any genuine pubes are where you would expect to find stray pubes.

It’s also quite possible that this isn’t a kink so much as being inconsiderate of others. LW’s coworker(s) might find a pube on their finger and wipe it off wherever, not for the thrill of knowing someone will see it, but for lack of thinking and manners. That may not comfort LW either.

Anyway, LW sits right by the bathroom, after months, he hasn’t been able to narrow down the list of suspects based on his own visual inspection of the bathroom and the knowledge of who is entering and exiting. Giving how much thought LW is putting into this issue, he’s remarkably unobservant and lacking in ingenuity. His organization should probably consider letting him go on that basis.
I think the real issue here is that LW is grossed out by public washrooms (as he admits), and is therefore continuously grossed out by having his desk next to one. I think he should address this problem with management, not sit there imagining scenarios that justify his disgust.
Was stuck in an office for about a year with 2 not large bathrooms for about 100 largely sedentary guys. Bathrooms were trashed by noon, made a college dorm shared facilities look pristine by comparison. The short and curlies were *everywhere*...
I find pubes in my own apartment where there aught not to be pubes and wonder how they got there. I still don't always know. PUBES list of "careful" locations also read like a list of where pubes would likely end up by accident. If it's a lonely pube, and it's attached to or near porcelain, Occam's Razor says it's not a CPP.

Also, i dont know if i'm the only mythbusters dork, but they built a bathroom from scratch, took one dump in it, and found fecal bacterial on essentially every surface. it's impossible to avoid!
Well, it's not Clarence Thomas leaving them everywhere. Or upset that people are leaving them everywhere.
I think LW is right. These are staged pubes. If he takes a picture of each one he finds, prints 'em out and then we dissolve to a montage of LW alone in the living room with only a lamp and the pictures around him as he tries to puzzle it out.

Suddenly! Inspiration!

The hairs form letters and arranged chronologically, spell "you're fired". Being stuck at a desk by the bathroom for what? A Year? hasn't been enough to get him to leave.
...arranged on the bathroom mirrors to spell out REDRUM...
So funny! This is why I read Dan Savage.

I wanted to ask if the LW works at the Supreme Court. . . .
It’s a thing. I had a friend who left a carefully placed pube every time she came over, always same bathroom, same single pube, same place. First time I thought it an accident, second time started to wonder, third time finally figured it out. We’re no longer friends.
ef·flu·vi·um; say it like ”əˈflo͞ovēəm” -- or don’t … it’s a noun meaning, “an unpleasant or harmful odor, secretion, or discharge.” (couldn’t it be all five?)

“Since this kind of contact [with grotesque ‘bodily effluvium’ – nice ring to that] can't be avoided, your consent falls somewhere between irrelevant and implicit.” Well, I spose you could wear gloves and a mask (like the Lone Ranger*), and dark glasses, but point well taken.

Perhaps she might knit them a nice little pubic haired cranial cap, and when they doff it and strut proudly round the office, accidentally set it on fire.

* probable germaphobe
I can't believe you didn't bring up Anita Hill.
Wow, semi @ 1 beat me to it and even found the link- thanks!

Pubing was never my thing, though admittedly I had some other sneaky tactivities going on at some point. As such my guess is that intentional pubing is likely to be a “thing” and assume it to be mostly sexual, something along the line of exhibitionism with an added dash of animalistic territory marking in this case.

LW-You are not risking your sex positive card by setting your boundaries in a commonly used bathroom nor beyond. I think you correctly sensed something.
Kudos to semi-crepuscular @1, but if anyone's interested, I too remembered that letter from 2005. Seriously, how could anyone forget a letter that was so oddly specific?
This sounds like an episode that needs to be on CSI. Screenwriters, get to work!
It's just me and my husband at home, and I know neither one of us is a "CPP," yet I find pubes in the bathroom, on the seat, often. We're both brunettes, north and south, so either one of us could be the source.

I KNOW I'm not the source of the little drops of pee on the seat, though. His aim's getting worse with age. Rather than get all upset about it, I keep cleaning wipes (like Lysol's, but I buy the cheap store brand) by the toilet, and when the state of the seat is not to my liking, I wipe it off.

You, LW, are never going to find out who is doing this perving, and you've seen the evidence so I'll believe you that it's deliberate. But whoever is doing it WANTS you (and others) to be distressed. Don't give them the satisfaction. Just wipe that puppy off, do what you came in to do and enjoy the rest of your day.
I agree with #4, I have a coworker with a big beard that leaves hairs all over the workplace, imagine finding what looks like a pube on the clock-in computer! His beard hairs look just like pubes, you never know.
@ 19 - It's not his aim, it's his prostate that's playing havoc with his stream.
@19 ya boy knows he can raise the seat, right?

How can Dan devote so much energy and space to answering this trivia, when others with real problems sometimes get a one line response? Unbelievable.
The odd hairs stay in the bathroom, right? So they're not targeted at one particular person the way a hair on a person's desk would be. And they could be anyone's, so there's no sense in trying to change any one person's behavior. My last assumption is that there's a janitorial crew that comes in after hours to clean. Why not tell management that there's a need for the bathroom to be cleaned during the day as well? See if they'd go for the added expense.

In the mean time, look for ways not to have to use that bathroom so often. I don't know the layout of the office or the surrounding area or how long the work shifts are, but I can imagine taking lunch out, using the bathroom at the restaurant, then returning and not needing the bathroom again until returning home. That's generally all that's necessary or healthy for a younger person who's not menstruating.
Acirc @6: Hmm, interesting that you read the LW as male; I had the opposite reaction.

Sporty @22: I know, right? Or sit on it, if his aim is worsening? Or wipe his own urine off? Dude's a grown man.

I think there is a difference between the 2018 CPP pervert (CPPP) and the 2005 one, namely: we know who the 2005 CPPP was. It could be any of PUBES's dozens of colleagues who is being, at minimum, careless about cleaning up after themselves in the shared bathroom. Perhaps PUBES could start by talking to a few colleagues to see if they've noticed, and progress to a "please clean up after yourself" sign.
Ha ha ha: HIS.

Dan. Thank you for not descending into Tumblr bullshit--not that I would expect you to.
Fichu @24: Really??? You think painfully clenching one's bladder for four hours is preferable to having to clear away a stray pube?…
"As with many things in life, everyone is different. This also applies to normal urinary frequency. For most people, the normal number of times to urinate per day is between 6 – 7 in a 24 hour period. Between 4 and 10 times a day can also be normal if that person is healthy and happy with the number of times they visit the toilet."

If this person drinks as much water as is generally recommended for good health, a mid-morning and a mid-afternoon pee break are to be expected.

And what if PUBES is not young? And what about when she is menstruating? (My periods were always light; I had to pee far more frequently than I had to change my tampon.)

Perhaps you can imagine going a full afternoon -- which may or may not involve a cup of tea! -- without a pee, but I sure can't!
27- BiDan-- We've gotten different medical advice so we're coming to different conclusions. I asked a urologist how often it was normal to need to pee during the daytime and how often at night. His answer was that if one is waking to pee more than twice a night, a doctor's appointment was in order and sleeping through the night without needing the bathroom was preferable. For the day time, he put the number at 3-5 times, so going 4-5 hours without needing a bathroom break was reasonable. Then he shrugged and said something about the women who always have a water bottle with them with the implication that it's harmless but unnecessary to drink so much.

But basically I agree with you which is why I made the suggestion about the bathrooms being cleaned more often and acknowledged that using the bathroom less often isn't practical for older people and menstruating people.
The best part of this is that I remembered the pubic hair placement predecessor, and I am delighted to see that I wasn't crazy in thinking "wait a minute, I am almost positive Dan had a similar inquiry at SOME point in the past".
@19, 21, 22

If you want to stand to pee, that's fine, but not raising the seat is intolerable. GENTLEMEN, YOUR AIM IS NOT AS GOOD AS YOU THINK IT IS.

Ladies, you have a right to complain about men who leave the seat up, but maaaaybe count your blessings and be grateful about the men who bother to raise it at all.

Women do leave drops, though. As the sign says, "Ladies, please remain seated for the entire performance."
Fichu @28: I admit I was going by experience, rather than medical advice. I was once shocked to be seated on a long-haul flight next to a man who didn't get up to use the bathroom once!! Getting up during the night to pee is a different issue than having to pee multiple times during the day. I'd think it was unusual indeed if someone urinated only once upon getting up, once at lunchtime and once before bed.

Twitter @31: The women who leave drops are "perching" rather than sitting. Advice is the same: You're a grown adult; clean up after yourself, or raise the seat if you're not going to be sitting on it! As for being grateful when men do half the job of lifting the toilet seat but not replacing it afterwards, I offer this:…
BDF @72 Those weird American toilets where the bowl is full with water. We don't have those over here. Only cold porcelain if you accidentally sit down with the toilet seat up.
APOPHENIA is the tendency to perceive connections and meaning between unrelated things.

The LW's work area is adjacent a busy human restroom, and the LW begins noticing "pubic hair" patterns in the restroom. Occam's razor says the LW's mind is creating a pattern where none exists from the daily elements encountered in his/her work environment. No need to invent an apocryphal pubic pervert who plants gross tokens of affection.

Aside, Confirmation bias is a variation of apophenia, and boy the commenters here dope up on confirmation bias more than jeebus.
@31/TwitterEgg: Just drops? I walked into the bathroom at Starbucks on Sunday as a young woman exited. She had clearly let rip all over the seat and floor. I cannot imagine how she managed that, or did so without get pee all over herself too.
@32 Point taken!

@35 I'm...I'm...well, I'm kind of impressed.
Sublime @ 35
Or maybe she was reluctant to sit and did it while standing or squatting on the toilet in order to avoid sitting on it, something I’ve seen a young man do awhile ago.

As for leaving marks behind after toilet use: I have a fast metabolism an am a confessed frequent user I have no problem with making an effort to leave the toilet clean. That said, some times the mess we see is not the fault of the last user.

I also wonder how “intimate” is the toilet by LW’s desk, how many people use it and how often. My work situation is different and it would be hard to detect patterns with so many random users.
No, LW, it's not a thing. It sounds like there are not enough bathrooms for the number of people in your office.

You're obsessing about something stupid. Get a life and stop worrying about things you cannot control or even affect.
@19 ". . . the little drops of pee on the seat, though. His aim's getting worse with age."

@31 "count your blessings and be grateful about the men who bother to raise it at all."

There's another approach: Guys, like girls, can pee sitting down. It results in no drops of pee missing the bowl and without the back spatter, the area around the toilet is much cleaner and smells less of ammonia. A friend was raised by a single mother who taught both daughters AND her son to pee sitting down. Mom figured she had enough on her plate and could eliminate that annoyance. As an adult, the guy still peed sitting down.

Also, you can sit down at night, with the lights off, and not ruin your night vision for the trip back to bed.

And Dan, thanks for making me feel old. The "a long, long time ago . . . leave a little bit of his semen on his hosts' toothbrushes." letter burned its way onto my brain sometime between "Dear Faggot" days and the Obama Administration.
Revealing myself to be of a certain age here, but doesn’t this bring Clarence Thomas to mind? The original CPP.
I worked over on the Eastside for a while and in one of the public bathrooms on the floor I would constantly find several "misplaced" pubes on top of the urinal on a regular basis. If it had been only once in a while, I would never have thought anything of it but this was literally several times a week for the entirety of my time at this particular office.

There is no way that these pubes could have magically jumped up there and I'm convinced this was a "thing" for someone. I really found it quite strange and am totally with the letter writer that there are people out there who get off on this somehow. Was it such a big deal that I'm going to make a federal case out of it? No. Was I still constantly wondering who the Pube Bandit was? Absolutely.
Irrespective of why/whence the pubes (or other androgenic hair that can be mistaken thus), is the sloution not to simply brush the away with some toilet paper or paper towel and get on with life? I'm not thrilled when I find urine or fecal spray on the seat, but I wad up some paper, wipe it off, lay down a toilet paper barrier if my own squeemishness dictates*, and get on with my (bowel movement and) life.

On the other hand, I do rather enjoy turning mundane experiences into Murder on the Orient Express, so I don't want to dissuade potential future LWs.

Mad props @1 for the memory skills.

*While I'm consciously aware that nearly every surface on Earth is covered in a fine spray of the waste products of some creature, and I intentionally ingest some of them (e.g. alcohol is yeast urine), waste from one's own species is a bit riskier, as it's more likely to contain bacteria that can survive on surfaces for a bit or parasite eggs, potentially infecting oneself.
Sublime @35: Or the person before her had.

David @39: My last live-in, male, partner peed sitting down. It was wonderful!!! C'mon guys, learn to pee like civilised humans, at least in your own homes. Also, please lock the bathroom door. No one wants to walk in on you while you're taking a piss.
Why are there seldom urinals in homes?
No lid, no seat (little to no competition from the women folk),
do your biz, shake shake shake, push the handle (unless it's digital),
and walk away.
ffs Dan, this is naughty putting this up. You know there's just gonna be copy cat pubic hair leavers all over the globe.
Just carry some spray disenfectant LW, to protect your self. Hairs do drop out, beard hair is the worst. Imagine some guy scratching his face as he looks in the mirror? Gross to us girls, I know..
Kris @45: I would rephrase your question as "why are there only urinals in public?" Because there's clearly no need to have a space-taking appliance that only half of the household -- if any -- will use. There are only urinals in public spaces because they do take up less space than stalls, and apparently many men don't want to sit down on public toilets which can be unsanitary (many women don't either -- hence perching). So a good rule of thumb would be: Stand at a urinal, sit on a toilet. No? ("Competition from women folk" shouldn't be too big of an issue in a private home!)
@39 Your point about men sitting down is well-taken, but with a word of warning:

Some men will sit down to pee and then NOT FUCKING AIM THEIR DICK DOWN. They just think their dick is going to point down automatically.

Uh, no. NO. What happens is, the pee shoots out between the seat and the toilet bowl and you will WISH your biggest problem is a few drops here and there on the seat.

So yeah. Something to consider.