We had a saying- it's not the shape or the size but how many times you make her back rise. I've had many sizes from smaller than average to ginormous, porn size where it was just too big and it really doesn't matter.

If SMALL plans on leading men to believe she will have sex in order to get a look at their cocks and only then decide whether or not to have sex, that’s wrong. If penis size is a dealbreaker, then SMALL needs to weed out men who fall short of her benchmark long before her clothes come off. SMALL should be clear about her cock preferences in her online profile or before going out with someone she meets in person. Men who don’t measure up, or do, but find her preference off putting, can avoid SMALL without investing any time getting to know her.

Sounds like a problem that unsolicited dick pics would solve!

I'm joking, but seriously if she asked for a dick pic upfront then she could weed out the ones she doesn't like.

Also, she sounds unpleasant.

"Each of us has an absolute right to withdraw our consent and call the _hole_ thing off."

hehe...I see what you did there.

SMALL of course has the right to call it off at any time. But there isn’t a graceful way to do it because what she is doing is shitty. If a big dick is a critical attribute, she needs to put that out there early in the process. I hope she is flawless undressed, it would be her just desserts if some dude rejected her because her pussy/tits/tummy/skin/whatever wasn’t just to his liking.

This can apply in all kinds of circumstances. I made out with this one girl a bunch of times and whew, was it hot!! But then we got semi naked and you know what, it just wasn't as hot. And I felt guilty but not guilty about saying that in (I sincerely hope) a way that blamed myself and my fickle interests. It was still super awkward and she was still pretty pissed off and humiliated, but....

What is the point of the letter, given that LW says "I am no longer sexually active and happy with that" in her very first sentence? If she's not doing the do, why does size matter to her?

@8...I was thinking the exact same thing. I suppose you can ask for etiquette advice even if you're pretty sure your never going to the ball again... But it just seems odd to take time out of your day to so.

Wow. If you were down to have sex with him before and everything else is proceeding in a cool way and the only change is that you anticipate that a small dick won't bring you a lot of pleasure, then all I can think of is that you aren't very imaginative. There are all sorts of ways to make an encounter fun. In the future, you might decide it's not for you and you'd rather not have a repeat, but I can't see why you'd shut down an otherwise nice evening because of a suspicion that the sex may not be good- there are all sorts of things that make sex good or bad. If you are so into dicks that you can't get into anything sexual unless it involves an average to large size penis, then you probably need to explicitly state that ahead of time when looking for a casual hookup. But if you are talking about someone you are dating or enjoying and then discover when they drop their drawers that they are smaller than average, I can't imagine why you wouldn't just make the best of it- there are all sorts of ways to have good sex that don't involve dicks at all. Surely you can have fun with a small dick just for a night?

But if not, OK then Dan has given the best advice. Don't be an asshole, seriously.

I'm personally into PIV and would probably find it difficult to have a long term sexual thing with someone with an extremely small penis (micro) though as a casual short term thing, I've enjoyed sex with a guy who was extremely small because he was great at other things. If I cared about him personally as well then I'm sure I'd figure out a way to make PIV work too, but I don't know - I've never been in that situation. So I could see the LW's confusion if she was talking about having a primary sex partner who really couldn't do something she really wanted to get regularly, but for the first time you have sex with someone? I can't imagine why she'd limit herself over something like that. Also I'm a little confused about the question- is she asking hypothetically?

@7 I think you could muster up something better than "I don't feel hot any more now that I see you semi-naked"? I mean, the whole goal here is to not make someone feel humiliated, and I think Dan is right that a white lie in this case is the best course- even if the other person suspects/knows you are lying. It allows them to save face which is always a graceful way to handle something. Even a simple, "I'm really sorry, but I can feel a migraine coming on" is fine. The ol' I have a headache cliche is preferable to unkindness.

Long labia seems like a poor comparison here. Unusually loose seems like a better analogy. Unless the issue is purely cosmetic and we're talking about people who are turned off by visuals alone.

Maybe the solution for people with SMALL's concern is to make a habit of doing some over-the-clothes sexy touching (assuming one's partner consents - perhaps there are people who are down for nude PIV sex but not clothed making out?) before getting naked. Then if one feels a penis one thinks is too small to enjoy, one can play it off as though the making out was all one was interested in that night, head home, and decline any future dates that are offered. That just sets up the narrative for the partner, "We went out on a/some date/s, we made out, she went home, and I guess she just wasn't that into me [for unknown reasons]," rather than focusing on a potentially sensitive characteristic.

Some of the best (PIV!!!) sex I've ever had in my life was with a guy with a micropenis. I've heard similar reviews from other partners of his. Truly, it's as @1 says.

You have to accept that you're a dick. I know it's 2018 but you still can't absolve yourself of ALL your decisions

This is only my way of being, but if I had been making out with someone and we were headed towards sex and the clothes had come off, I would feel incredibly uncomfortable making some excuse up like " I have tummy troubles." I would probably go through with it because I think that any lame excuse would be an obvious one and I hate the idea of making a decent person uncomfortable or self conscious about something they have no control over.

So I would just keep going with the thought that I would make up an excuse before a second attempt, and I could pass off the lack of interest as not being so directly tied to genital size.

But then, it might be that I'd get a pleasant surprise because I've had some pretty astounding sex from men who were on the small end of the scale. (I've also had some terrible sex from men who were super-hung. Size matters to an extent, but skill matters more, and there's such a thing as being too big, especially if you think since you are big, you don't need to cultivate any skills.)

And if it turned out that my concerns were justified, I'd steer the relationship into the non-sexual realm or stop it altogether before the next date without making it obvious that my main objection was to size--as indeed it might not be once all was said and done.

But that's me and my way. I'm not suggesting anyone have sex they feel uncomfortable about having.

Coffee @1: So has SMALL -- she used to be a sex worker, remember. And she came to the conclusion that it does matter. Though at her age, I'd think ability to get an erection would be more of a deciding factor.

Sublime @2: Really? Okay, if you're meeting people off Tinder or Craigslist, then you may be able to ask for a dick pic or specify your preference. But if you're dating organically, what you find in a man's pants is just the luck of the draw. If she's looking for a potential long-term partner, telling him she don't want no short-dicked man would no doubt paint her as shallow and undateable. I've had several experiences where nakedness happens but intercourse does not. I suppose at 61 she can't claim she has her period, but "not wanting to go all the way on the first date" should be a reasonable excuse for sticking to naked cuddling... unless these are Tinder or Craigslist hookups where the stated purpose has been casual sex, in which case, yes to requesting the dick pic.

Ohthetrees @6: "SMALL of course has the right to call it off at any time. But there isn’t a graceful way to do it because what she is doing is shitty." If we were still doing thread winners, I think you'd have just clinched it.

Original @8: Yes, good point!

John @14: This is a good point too. Feel a small bulge, don't proceed to pants-off phase.

Nocute @17: I'd go through with it too. Unfortunately, I've gone through with it under far worse circumstances, and I do think it would be helpful if we (women particularly) had some scripts we could employ to stop sex when it became clear it wouldn't be enjoyable for us rather than grinning and bearing it and just not calling him back.

Dan, you're not right that a small penis makes no difference to sexual pleasure. I hear there are some women who get enjoyment from stimulation of the first inch of the vagina. Not me, it's all about the g spot for me.

I had a relationship with a very sexy man with a cock which was only just on the small side of average. The sex was great, apart from piv, which didn't feel like anything for me. The trouble is, straight men expect piv. And it's something I enjoy too, when the cock is big enough. The next man I was with made me squirt every time we fucked.

So now that I know how good a big cock can be, in future I won't get into a relationship with a small dicked man, although it wouldn't preclude something casual. So I'd tell the letter writer that her approach- of going through with the sex that one time and then not doing it again- was a fine option. They may be great with their tongue or fingers, after all. Or say whatever you would any time you are no longer into the sex. You always have the right to stop an encounter.

Hmm. I wonder if this Golden Rule is one reason why I've typically gone through with it when he turned out to be, not tiny (that's not a problem for me because oral sex), but hairy, which I find a massive turn-off. I can only imagine the humiliation I'd feel if someone rejected me once they saw the size of my naked breasts. Not quite the same, as breast size is discernible when someone is clothed while penis size isn't -- body hair sometimes is but sometimes is not. It is a dilemma in the moment, but yeah, I guess I'd prefer that the person carry on having sex with me so that's what I do...

I can EASILY turn down the world's biggest dick occupying the White Trash House.

John @ 14 - "Maybe the solution for people with SMALL's concern is to make a habit of doing some over-the-clothes sexy touching (assuming one's partner consents - perhaps there are people who are down for nude PIV sex but not clothed making out?) before getting naked"

Yes, there are. Someone grabbing my crotch through my clothes is an instant and total turn-off for me. It's pretty much the only thing that makes me feel objectified in an unpleasant way.

Griz @ 21 - You are not alone!

It's becoming more and more obvious that the only sex (and marriages) he gets is because of his money/ability to pay for someone's silence.

There's a distinction to be made between "not as pleasurable as I would have liked" and "truly painful, injurious, or disgusting." SMALL's question makes it clear that as far as she's concerned if it's not fantastic, then she gets to be insulting. Shallow at best, mean far more likely, definitely entitled. Why not go ahead with a sexual experience that's merely okay. It takes as much time as finding a movie you like and making the popcorn.

Fan @18 summarises the advice nicely. My personal feelings are very close to what Fichu says @24 as SMALL doesn't seem to be majorly repulsed by small dicks, but to prefer big ones.

Ricardo @22 - thanks for sharing this, I think we need repeated reminders that NOTHING sexual can be taken as given (it would never cross my mind that anybody interested in skin on skin contact would object to the same contact through fabric, but then for me seeing and touching an erection pushing against clothing is one of the most arousing things ever).

@4 LOL.

@Dan savage - thanks for your open, non-judgmental approach to size and so many other topics. You cut through so much judgmental superstition and ninsense in evrey column.

@18/BiDanFan: "If she's looking for a potential long-term partner, telling him she don't want no short-dicked man would no doubt paint her as shallow and undateable." And yet it would be an entirely accurate and fair portrait of who SMALL is. All you're suggesting is that she somehow hide her true self from potential lovers, but that does not make her any less shallow. And if she's shallow enough to seek Dan's advice about how to get out of sex that she would have if only her partner had a somewhat bigger cock, then maybe she should stick to online dating where plenty of women have strict size criteria in their profiles.

I LOLed every single time I read "parasitic twin".

Moot point for LW, but for everyone else... It would be a really shitty move to get all the way to naked and then, eyes tearing up from disappointment, call it off. You get to that point, you gotta take one for the team. Hopefully he knows how to eat pussy. And, cynically, with an enthusiastic blowjob you could probably make him come fast so the sex part is over quickly. Then you can politely decline the next date, "Sorry, you're nice but not the one I'm looking for."

Sublime @28: Yes, I did suggest that. But a few points in SMALL's defense:
1. She says she's no longer sexually active, so this is merely what-if, could-I-have-done-things-differently musing, not actively seeking advice on how to turn down men whose cocks are too small.
2. She says that when this did happen in reality, she followed the path of most of us commenters are advising and went ahead with it anyway.
3. She's wondering whether it's possible to decline sex after you've seen the person naked "whether it be from a small dick, etc." The "etc" implies that it's a general query on when a person is entitled to back out of sex, with "small penis" being an example of why someone might want to, rather than specifically an I-hate-small-dicks query.

I know, a rather flimsy defense and I can't deny that she does seem shallow on this point. But let's face it... size matters to some more than others, but most women would be disappointed to see a micropenis. Assuming it really is a micropenis that's the potential dealbreaker, not just "below average," the odds that the guy would get naked and be let's-just-cuddle small are in the, what, 10% range -- so why risk alienating the other 90% of men who'd be plenty?

In short, yeah. Either be prepared to take one for the team, as Donny @30 says, or if it's that important, stick to the methods of meeting men where it's acceptable to discuss cock size up front.

It's not especially shallow to have preferences. It is a rookie mistake to think that men with smaller penises are de facto worse lovers. I love a deep dicking and a girthy cock, but penis size has no bearing on how a person uses their fingers or tongue.

But it's dickish in the extreme to get to the clothes-off point, look at someone's genitalia, and say something that makes it clear you're rejecting them. It's your right, sure enough. But it's dickish, nevertheless. Do unto others and all that.

@32, yup exactly.

It's also fine I think to decide that you would not like to be in a regular sexual relationship with someone who can only get you off w/tongues & fingers. If you want that dick and they don't have it, that's fair. But I still don't see how this would prevent you from enjoying a one-time or few-time or casual thing with someone who is really only going to be able to offer tongues and fingers. And c'mon- if it's someone you find attractive enough and enjoy otherwise that you've gotten to the point that you're both naked, I can see the disappointment when things don't work out in a way you were really hoping for, but sometimes generosity can be hot too. It's about being flexible. For myself, it's just a perspective shift- oh, ok this is going to be THIS sort of experience. There are tons of ways to make a sexual encounter fun and they don't all include dicks and don't all require you to get off anyway (even though, like we said, there are fingers/tongues). Totally cool to not want this on the regular, but for a one time thing, I just can't see people who refuse some basic kindness once you are already in that situation. If the guy acts like a dick or if there is some other reason (hygiene, safety) OK, but just because of his dick size? Seems really unimaginative if you can't have fun for half an hour just because of that.

What I mean by the above is, while I agree with the sentiment of "taking one for the team" or just putting up with something and not calling again later, I think this is still a rather novice and unimaginative approach. Why not just acknowledge your disappointment that you aren't going to get EXACTLY what you wanted (which could happen with a big dick too) and have fun in a different way? If what you need to have fun at all is so specific even for first-time and casual encounters, then I agree with the people above who say you probably should limit yourself to seeking partners in communities (online or otherwise) in which you can specifically ask for it.

Skeen @ 25 - The way this was done to me almost every time, I always felt that the only purpose of such a move was to check if I'm sufficiently endowed - which leads me to think that the person I'm with is a size queen and is going to be disappointed (I'm average). It's a really bad way to start off, I'd say.

Emma @ 34 - By "acknowledge your disappointment", do you mean to yourself or to the other person? Because there's really no need for the latter. As you say yourself, one can be creative and have fun in different ways. Like DonnyK @ 30, I believe an enthusiastic blowjob can do wonders - perhaps not getting him to come before penetration, but substantially reducing the length of that activity.

That said, as I've mentioned here in the past, one of the most memorable fucks I've ever received was from a guy whose dick was the size of my index finger. Technique and passion do go a long way.

I would defy any woman here to match my record of lying back and think of Scotland (metaphorically), though I usually framed my approach more to the manner of Mizz Liz.

@36: Oh dear, Mr. Ven. While lying back and thinking of England or any of the United Kingdom or Great Britain is noble and must be done sometimes, I hate to think of you being in that position (ha!) on the regular.

Not for nothing, but one of the most terrible voluntary sexual experiences I've ever had came from a man with the smallest penis I'd ever encountered, and it wasn't because of his size.

I met this older man at a bar on a holiday evening. Back at his house, just as the getting naked was starting he mentioned that he was mostly used to Asian women and not women of my size. That was hurtful, but like an idiot I decided to stay anyway.

I was in my getting-around phase at the time (early 30's) and finally mature enough to insist on condoms for penetrative sex. This dude was too small to hold onto the standard size I was carrying, and didn't have any in his own size. This should have been cue number two to bail, but instead I gave him a blow job just to be a good sport. After that, I had to suggest that he might want to return the favor in some manner, and he...did not.

Cruelty and selfishness is much worse than lack of endowment.

So, my advice to the smaller-dicked men out there:1) pack your own properly-sized condoms, and 2) DON'T BE A TOTAL DOUCHE.

And to the straight Ladies and gay Gents: his biology is not your destiny. Be polite, but don't feel obligated just because you already got naked.

@35 I meant to yourself! If you are really anticipating a nice good PIV fucking, allow yourself the moment to think "well shucks" and then shift perspective to a different kind of experience. If you only want one kind of sexual experience and can't get on board with anything else even just for a casual one time encounter, then it's probably best to ask for that up front because all sorts of disappointments could get in the way.

Dan, sadly, there is one state in this country where consent CANNOT be revoked once intercourse has been initiated. Can you guess which state? Hint: last year, it's legislature passed a law preventing transgendered individuals from legally using the BR of their choice because of specious and erroneous rationales. https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017…

‘no amount of growing will help’ - what?

Emma @ 40 - Thanks for clarifying that.

Purse @39: Ah, negging to distract you from his own inadequacy. Pardon the pun, but what a dick move. Sorry you encountered the exception to the "smaller guys are excellent pussy eaters" generalisation.

Ms Cute - Well, at least I didn't have to think of Maple Grove and its extensive grounds, with or without a ride in the barouche-landau. Or Rosings or Kellynch Hall.

That leads me to wonder, though, which would be the less appealing, visiting Norland while the John Dashwoods were also entertaining Mrs Ferrars, or visiting Norland and being expected to match all the enthusiasms of Marianne?

I know Dan probably randomly picked hanging labia as an example, but to counteract any potential self-consciousness he may have generated I want to state my view that hanging labia are SOOOO hot!