Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Girlfriend Squirts and I Wind Up Sleeping In a Puddle

Comments

1
Two years and they haven't thought of covering the bed yet? Someone lacks practical household skills.
2
NC needs to take a page from 'The Crimson Petal and the White' and start laying wax paper down.
3
"you never know when you're going to need a towel!" - towlie
4
Jesus effing Christ this is such an easy fix.
1. Get the blankets, multiple. Always wash in cold water and dry on low, or else they loose a lot of their effectiveness.
2. If you are done and she isn't, find other ways for her to continue things on her end. That could be lube and other body parts as Dan suggests or some toys. She can grind on a dildo til the cows come home and it wont bother anyone else's skin. Toys are fun!
3. Besides talking to her about seeing a doc for a possible medical condition, put on some music or something if her post coitus evacuation sounds bother you.

This is not rocket science!
5
The liberator throes saved my mattress and my now-ex-boyfriend's mattress, and let everyone get a good, dry night's sleep afterwards. They are also great as picnic blankets when the ground may be damp or dewy, or someone spills.

Putting a towel down if you're a squirter is useless and just creates more laundry. The bed is still soaked.
6
Get one of those waterproof bed pads (typically marketed towards moms of young kids, might be tough to find for your california king) that go under your fitted bed sheet. Then maybe have a second comforter that you fuck on top of but do not sleep on/under.
7
@6: Those things are plasticky and kind of weird. And sometimes not absorbent enough. A second comforter just gets soaked right on through.
The Liberator throe is a thing of beauty and genius. It's a bit pricey, but boy, is it worth it.
8
@7 yeah that's why they go under your fitted sheet - you'll never notice them or touch them, they just protect your mattress; they don't address the puddle issue. Sheets are cheap but mattresses are expensive.
9
Seems like the laundry/raw skin issue has sufficient solutions offered.

She definitely should have a doctor check her excretory health but in the meantime, I think kegels couldn't hurt either only because of the sudden, urgent need to use the bathroom. I don't know if LW is talking about just peeing but either way, that could be weak pelvic floor muscles.

Obviously they're both cool with the squirting once they solve minor logisitics but having to find a bathroom RIGHT NOW no matter what is a sucky thing so for that reason alone, it's worth a doc visit and some squeezy time.

FWIW, I have a friend who swears by her yoni egg - a smooth, nonporous ovoid stone she puts in her vagina and holds for the duration of her morning yoga routine. Weight training for the vag.
10
My homebirth midwife had a custom license plate that said KEGELS. So she was disappointed and probably skeptical when I found that doing them made me practically incontinent when I had been doing just fine. Every body is different. I hear that planks also work the pelvic floor, and they don't mess me up.
11
Precocious squirter here. We’ve got 4 Liberator Fascinator Throes on rotation. When one gets leaky (after a couple years of washing), we layer it on top of a waterproof one. We later the non-leaky ones, too, so after the first “puddling” we can just peel the top one off and keep on lovin’.
12
@6 sportlandia and @7 nocutename: Target sells waterproof mattress pads from twin to California king size. Example bed order: mattress, memory foam topper, waterproof layer, regular mattress pad, fitted sheet. As sportlandia says, the waterproof layer is for big-ticket-item protection rather than absorption. Buy one in addition to the other suggested products. Better yet, buy two so you can make the bed when the other is in the laundry.
13
How big is a manhole cover? If it's the width of the bed, you're both sleeping in it. If it's smaller than the bed, why haven't you been alternating which side of the bed gets soaked, why are you always the one trying to sleep in a puddle? I, too, question your combined practicality skills after two years of a problem with obvious solutions.
14
Uh ... I don't think that just adding lube to whatever part of NC's body that his gf is grinding against - on top of the drying residue of the fluids she's already squirted - is the complete answer. Just another example of how NC isn't using his head. As others have pointed out, either take turns sleeping in the wet spot or, much better, use something that will soak up the liquid (DUH).

Then, before you conk out, NC, take a thermos you keep next to the bed filled with hot (not boiling) water that you use to wipe yourself off using a washcloth (without interrupting your gf if she's in the bathroom), and then putting a fast absorbing moisturizer on any chafed skin.
15
I am too astonished that he slept in the fluid (rather than moving to a dry part of the bed, moving to another bed, moving to the couch, changing the linens, used a barrier, etc.) to offer anything useful here.

WTF, man? That's like saying, 'I often accidentally spill soda on the bed while I lie in bed reading. It makes the book soggy and created a manhole-sized wet spot. So I just the book over the side of the bed and go to sleep. But then I wake up sticky and smelling of pepsi. What should I do?'

Why is this even a question?
16
It's urine, folks.

And that's okay! There is NOTHING wrong with that. No need to be a prude.

I think it's funny how people who read these types of letters are always, like, OMG IT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE PEE

Oh really? That liquid that keeps gushing and gushing and gushing out? Is there some hidden bladder full of mysterious sexjuice that I don't know about?

Keep in mind I'm talking about the squirting that involves big puddles, not the other type of squirting.

Again! No need to be ashamed! Own it! Be happy!

You sound like a lovely, lucky couple!
17
@16 it could be that she's peeing on him. But female ejaculate is not pee, and there is an extra place that stores fluid in the region that you don't seem to know about. (Note: semen is also not pee. It also doesn't come from the bladder. And most of it doesn't come from the balls either...)

The body! It's amazing!
18
@16 TwitterEgg: What's the other type of squirting?
19
As a copious female squirter myself, I swear by the waterproof sex blanket I got from nomorewetspots.com I've tried the liberator ones and I didn't like the satin side - it's too slippery against the skin and when you put it satin side down, the damn thing slides all over hell's half acre. The nomorewetspots.com ones are fleece on *both* sides, nice and soft against the skin AND they stay in place on the bed.
20
"...whoever has to launder the bedding wherever we are a guest...
OMG, you are the worst houseguests ever! Here's a thought...how about putting the fucking ON HOLD for a day! If I was changing the bedding and found Lake Erie's worth of urine (yes, squirt is mostly urine) soaked into my mattress I would be more annoyed than a can full of bumblebees in a paint shaker! "Well, that's the last invitation to visit for these assholes!
23
For someone who's "not complaining" he sure complains a lot.
1. Put a towel down.
2. Stop humblebragging -- I mean "complaining."
24
Nocute @5: Thank you - amend my point 1 above to "throe" not "towel."
Donny @20: I know, right? That jumped out at me too. I bet these horndogs aren't being invited back to stay at many friends' houses.
25
@17 So when a man ejaculates, does it come gushing and gushing and gushing out? Or is it just a healthy, goopy squirt and that's it? That's the difference.
26
@23 OMG! I forgot my vow to always call out people for humblebragging! Thank you for catching that.
27
Practical advice from someone married to a squirter for many decades:
A big fluffy towel folded into quarters and placed under the bum of the bottom partner will keep the sheets dry.
Buy her a Magic Wand (also known as "The Closer") for use when your wand wilts. The thing is incredible.
BTW- it's not urine. really.
28
@17 & @25, you both win the ignorance of bodily mechanics award today.
29
If she's incontinent, there's reason to suspect that she's 'ejaculating' urine. But, sorry gang, ejaculate isn't urine. It doesn't look or smell like urine, nor does it stain sheets like urine.

But in my (quite limited) experience, it also doesn't gush out by cups or bucketsfull either. I doubt my ex ever produced more than 4 ounces, if that much.
31
@19 fyi, you can buy waterproof fleece from a wholesaler in SODO for like $9/yard.
32
@28 Gee. That's funny. Based on @20 and @21, you seem to agree with every word I'm saying. Perhaps there's some subtlety you missed?
33
@29 Right. So if it IS gushing and gushing out, it is indeed urine.
34
This is probably going to sound like himblebrag, but hey... squirting can be good great or very distressing, and my take is that since it happens to me I’d much rather enjoy it than worry. Towels were never enough protection, and those throws are my best investment EVER! The first one I bought is showing age after much use but is still perfectly functional, and I splashed out (...) on a second one. I squirt... a lot... and I don’t want anyone to have to sleep in a puddle, including myself. I take one of those throws pretty much everywhere with me and it is much appreciated.
35
It's both. If we are talking about someone who "squirts" loads of liquid (as the LW is) then it is mostly urine. But there is also a very little small amount of something from the skene gland. If you are only talking about a couple ounces, you are not talking about the same thing the LW is as should be apparent from the description in his letter. A small wet spot after sex from lube etc is not the same thing as someone squirting- it's a lot of liquid and putting a towel down might not keep everything dry hence Dan's good advice of something more absorbent, and I'd suspect the LW has already tried putting a towel down and it's not enough. The weird thing about squirting is that the bladder is not full in the beginning, so it's like somehow the stimulation causes the bladder to fill up faster and the concentration of the liquid (which does mostly come from the bladder and come out of the urethra not the vagina folks) is slightly different hence the different smell. It might not smell like piss right then, but if you leave it a day and smell it (leave those wet sheets on and smell them the next day) then it does in fact smell like urine. I'm way out of my element now so I'll take my share of the ignorance of body mechanics award or at least an honorable mention. I don't know why this topic fascinates people so much, but I've been in this exact conversation several times in the last few years. I think it's porn- there are some people who are obsessed with learning to squirt and a young friend of mine recently told me that her boyfriend feels like a failure because he can't make her squirt which is just really bizarre to me, but whatever. Kidz today.
36
BTW I agree with Dan's statement that the LW's gf should go to the doctor about the urgency of peeing and the bedwetting. May be nothing at all , but worth checking out or at least discussing with her gyn at her next check up. I've had the pressure from fibroids make me need to pee more frequently (or urgently)- like, I don't need to pee at all, but then when I do, I really need to go fast- nothing in between. Maybe there is some correlation between squirting easily and regularly and something like that, especially if the LW isn't just humblebragging and this is all a relatively new thing with the gf's body.
37
@32 ~ Sorry, guess I misunderstood your point.
38
@19--thanks!
39
LW, you are the recipient of stealth golden showers. If that is cool with you, dig on the cleanup and protection measures.
40
It’s curious that the girlfriend, who is “pushing 40” and “by a large margin the horniest woman” LW has been with, self-describes as having never been orgasmic before. She also, apparently, has some history of incontinence, including an episode of bed wetting at least once in the past two years.

I wonder if there’s a link between the history of incontinence and the prior inability to orgasm; specifically, perhaps the girlfriend’s fear of urinating during sex prevented her from being able to climax until she met LW, who isn’t bothered by her production of “copious amounts of liquid something” except for practical reasons.

Given the concurrence of noteworthy events down under, including prior difficulty achieving orgasm, history of incontinence, and the newly-discovered squirting ability, I would think a consult with a urogynecologist might be in order to rule out pelvic floor disorders or any other underlying condition.

Could be chasing this thread in the wrong direction but a check up certainly never hurts!
41
"Who sleeps in the wet spot" was a running joke in the '70s. Odd that I haven't heard much about it in decades.
42
@40: I was anorgasmic until I was 38, and at age 40 was incredibly horny all the time. It happens.
Although I am a squirter, I have never had a problem with incontinence. My pelvic floor appears to be as sound as one can expect from someone who has delivered two babies vaginally and is in her 50s, though I have never seen a urogynecologist--because I've never felt the need.

I don't presume to know anything about the lw's gf's state of urinary health, but she doesn't sound that unusual to me.
43
I’ve been a gusher since my teens but I’ve gotten gushier with age. (And yes it comes from the bladder, though it is not exactly urine. More like we want some extra lube and to flush out the urethra so we don’t get a UTI, so let’s ask the kidneys to quickly produce some squirt for us.)

I’ve also always been a little leaky and have gotten leaker with age. And I have had to pee more frequently with age. It’s recently gotten to the point where I spoke with my doctor about it and I may be a candidate for getting my bladder hoisted up so I can control it better. (Like @b07ias, Kegels make me gushier.)

So yes, the nomorewetspot.com throw is highly recommended. You can also get cheap, sturdy, washable, absorbent incontinence pads at your pharmacy. Great for little kids, old people and gushy sexually active people.

Stepping into the shower for a quick rinse is great if you don’t instantly fall asleep.

No, I’m not self-conscious about gushing or about where it comes from, one bit. As long as we can manage the bedding so we’re comfortable and having fun, it’s hot.
44
NC here. Thanks for all the comments, even the cretinous ones. A few responses:

- We live in an Asian country where people sleep on the floor with washable bedding, so managing that isn't a big problem. I might should have specified this.

- It didn't surprise me that my girlfriend would be bursting to have sex after spending half her adult life in a terrible marriage. That also seems like a pretty weak basis for me to be humblebragging atop of, but then again, I spent half of my own adult life in a sexless terrible marriage, so cut me some slack, people.

- Thanks very much for the (actual) suggestions and assurances that she's probably not in any medical trouble. I feel better about encouraging her to talk to a doctor about her bathroom issues without having to marshal evidence from her sex life.

- To the "use a towel, DUH" suggestions: Thanks, doctor—goodness, why didn't I think of that? Does this work for all urinary-tract illnesses?

- I agree that soiling other people's bedding would be inconsiderate. Actually, I think having sex on other people's furniture is sort of uncouth. You may have read about establishments called "hotels," where people your parents' age stay when away from home.

- I thought it was pretty clear that the, ahem, issue, is about what happens when she comes first. It doesn't happen every time, and it really isn't a big deal. The other evacuation mentioned elsewhere isn't post-coital, and if you have a bed that can comfortably fit two people plus a manhole cover, look to the humblebragging beam in your own eye.
45
@44 ~ ...”You may have read about establishments called "hotels," where people your parents' age stay when away from home…”
Yeah, well Urine-soaked hotel mattresses are just as uncouth, although more predictable thanks to “guests” like you. Just one of the many things I try not to think about when staying in a hotel.
46
Humblebrag @44: To carry on in your bullet points format:

- Hotels were not what was implied by "in addition to whoever has to launder the bedding wherever we are a guest." Choose your words more carefully if you don't want them misinterpreted. Though the Omnipotent Comment God is right, it's still inconsiderate to leave a hotel room in such a state, even though the person who has to launder that bedding is being (nominally) paid to do so. Hope you're tipping well.

- Why on earth ISN'T she coming first every time? ;-)

- Get a louder fan for the bathroom.
47
BiDanFan, I have truly learned my lesson about leaving anything open to misinterpretation. The "wherever we are a guest" aside led people down the path of imagining a gleeful squirting spree with urine puddles in guest rooms across the land (some people were remarkably eager to imagine this scenario), but it was meant to be hypothetical. It's never happened in a hotel, so everyone can stop being mad at me about it. I wholeheartedly agree with @46, hence my concern. Concern about something that hasn't happened is the whole point of being neurotic, or religious, I guess. Since squirting (not loving that term) is apparently more common than I had thought, we must all grapple with how haunted by or mad about it we will be with regard to hotel stays and whatnot.

But thanks, everyone, for the suggestions and sympathy. The product ideas are gratefully received, the health advice is reassuring and helpful for broaching the subject with her, it's nice to hear from other women about how they manage it, and I think incredulous disdain for "sleeping in the wet spot" indicates that you're a dude(?) who views spending the night on the sofa alone after sex as a winning relationship strategy. I do know what towels are and how to use them, and we've actually gotten by just fine with that approach. Thanks once again to all.
48
LW I don't know if it was mentioned and I don't know if it tracks w what's going on, but I have heard anecdotally from other people that ingesting semen makes their gi tract misbehave. Sex does this to some penetratees too. So careful you're not the cause, complaining may end up backfiring on you, so to speak.

IBS is also super common, issues post partum are also super common, there may or may not be things that can be done to help but this is one of those things where I tend to think unless it is really impacting her ability to function and it's clear she's just too embarrassed to see a doc I'm not sure I'd intervene, because it might be her baseline. Maybe if you've been with a lot of people and know for sure it's really unusual, but otherwise... I guess it depends on how it would be taken culturally, but as a female person in the US this from a partner might really damage that fantastic lack of self consciousness she has, which is a big part of the greatness of your sex life and probably her new orgasmic ability.
49
Thanks, I appreciate the thoughtful response. I thought IBS too, and I really meant that I had no complaints about anything in my letter. She actually did just get a thorough check up and the results indicated that she’s pretty ridiculously healthy, so, most likely a non-issue. Thanks again