1516999045-savage-letter-of-the-day-stamp-2018.jpg

30-year-old, bisexual female here. I recently moved in with my boyfriend of a year+, let's call him "James." James is sweet as can be, thoughtful, funny, and easy to be with. We were friends first and we get each other. But while I love the time we spend actively together, I dislike where we live, am annoyed by my longer commute, and feel like every minute we don't spend together in the house he's either watching violent shows or playing violent video games. This really gets under my skin based on my trauma history. He knows this, and turns it down when I ask him to, but I can still hear it and it makes me want to leave the house all the time. I've also been feeling depressed since I moved in.

He's offered to compromise. A first ring suburb, a house we pick together, a house with a man cave so he can play games in the basement with some soundproofing. All pretty reasonable. But without running that experiment I don't know if it would satisfy either of us because our criteria are fairly different. I don't love my job and I'm not sure I want to stay in this city. He's tied here: friends, family, working toward a pension. And running that experiment probably involves buying a house. Its hard to rent in the burbs here. I have funds for that and was planning on making that move in the next few years, but feel like I'm much too uncertain about everything to make big choices like that.

Meanwhile, confusing the situation, an adorable friend that I've always had a crush on just confessed feelings for me. She and I are two peas in a pod with really similar lifestyle choices, hobbies, food preferences, much more similar than me and my partner, and I've had her in my head the last few days. She's also been fantasizing about starting over somewhere new. Also, James is decidedly monogamous.

I don't want to lose James. I love him. But I feel like there are too many variables to tease out.

What do I do?

Basically Indecisive

You have my permission to break up with James and run off with your adorable friend—you know, the person who sounds like a much better match for you emotionally, socially, sexually, and gastronomically.

You sent me a long list of things you're not sure about right, BI: You're not sure if you want to stay in the city where you're living at the moment (a city James can't leave). You're not in love with your job (which you should find a way to leave whatever else you decide to do). You're not sure if you want to sink all the money you have into a house as an experiment (an experiment designed to test whether or not you can continue to live with James without feeling traumatized by his entertainment choices). You're not sure about that man cave (or whether soundproofing would work). And it would seem you're not sure about monogamy (at least that's the impression I get from "James is decidedly monogamous"). And on top of all this uncertainty, BI, you've been feeling depressed and anxious ever since moving in with James... which is probably a sign that moving in with James was a mistake in the first place.

You're young—and, yes, 30 is young, take it from me—but regardless of age, BI, you shouldn't be settling for someone who, through no fault of his own, doesn't make you happy and whose entertainment choices make you miserable. Even if you didn't have an adorable friend anxious to pursue similar interests, hobbies, and entrees, BI, I would urge you to get out of the relationship you're in now. James isn't a motherfucker—he sounds like a lovely enough guy, BI, just not the right guy/girl for you—so I can't urge you to DTMFA. But I can urge you to let James down easy.


Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org!

Tickets to HUMP 2018 are on sale now! Get them here!